Kate

Zeke and I ate dinner together again the next night, and the next night, and the next, and the next. Our second dinner we just went and got pizza, then took in a movie. Our third saw us eating at my place, while my parents playfully interrogated the young man as to his intentions towards me. Our fourth was at his place, and Faith was in attendance- mostly because she was the one who cooked for us. It was a delicious meal of grilled chicken sandwiches with a homemade cobb salad on the side. I didn’t realize she was the one doing that for us until I arrived and the food had already been prepared, and I was wracked with guilt at the realization. The poor girl was bending over backwards to help me, and being nothing but nice to me… I tried to invite her to stay, but she slipped off somewhere before I could even finish the offer. 

We all had the week off from our respective fights, and none of us felt like going out, so we wound up spending Friday night all watching the fights together at my place. Jolly Roger, Tooth Fairy, Sparky-Sparky-Boom, and Ultimate Frisbee all took home victories. 

At the end of the night, as Zeke and Faith were getting ready to leave, Faith was scrolling on her phone and then paused with what looked to be a panicked expression all over her face. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked. Zeke was standing in the doorway, me at the base of the stairs, and Faith between us. 

“Um,” Faith said. “You’re trending on social media.”

“How’s that possible? I don’t have any social media accounts.”

“Well, um, someone tagged Zeke and I’s shared account with a photo that got posted,” she said. “And you’re in it.”

“What?” Zeke and I said simultaneously. 

She showed us, revealing a picture of Zeke and I leaving the Indian restaurant together that past Monday. Revealing me in all my trans glory to the entire internet without my consent. “Who the hell-”

“Olivia,” Zeke growled. 

“Let’s not jump to any conclusions,” Faith said. 

“Who tagged us in the photo?” Zeke said. 

“Let’s see here,” Faith said. “Who the heck is Eileen Portman?”

“Team Sparky-Sparky-Boom!” I said, grinding my teeth together. “They were at the restaurant on Monday night!”

“Goddammit,” Zeke said. 

“Okay, let’s not freak out,” Faith said. 

“Not freak out? Are you kidding me? This is the perfect time to freak out! That-that bitch! She’s my next opponent, she must have done this on purpose to rattle me! I’ll show her. I’ll crush her, I’ll-”

“Kate,” Zeke said. 

“What?!”

“You’re doing it again.”

“What do you mean?”

“It,” Faith said. “You’re doing it. Your hands are bunched together.”

I looked down, to see my hands had indeed balled into fists. “Oh.”

Zeke walked over to me, putting his hands on my shoulders. “It’s okay. I know you’re upset. I know this feels awful. But you’re better than this. You don’t have to play the game on their terms.”

I looked up at this man, at my man, and the anger evaporated, replaced by a cool serenity and simple clarity. “You’re right. I still have a week to figure out my response. That’s plenty of time.”

“Exactly,” Zeke said. “You can get out in front of this.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Faith said. “Own your narrative. There’s got to be some way for you to respond to this without slipping back into your old persona.”

I breathed in deep through my nose. “I think I have one idea.”

***

I popped my first Estradiol pill when I woke up on Monday morning, letting the blue-green tablet melt under my tongue. It had a curious texture to it as it slowly dissolved, and I wanted to say it tasted like sugar, but it didn’t really taste like anything. I wanted to say I could feel it changing me right away, but that was ridiculous. What it did make me feel right away, though, was relief. And… Joy. A clean, pure joy that sang through my entire being, every fiber grateful as I took my first step towards changing my body to what I wanted it to be.

I was on my way, physically and mentally. 

Now for the hard part. 

I did my makeup, put on a blue and white sundress and a pair of strappy sandals, put in my four hours at the store, and then climbed in my car and headed to Gaines Auto Body and Bodybuilding. 

I’d emailed Gaines’ social media publicists, Nadine, on Saturday morning, and we’d set up a meeting for the following Monday. I parked in the back of the shop and made my way in through the front, conscious of the dozens of ridiculously buff guys staring at me as I walked through the gym. Some were staring at me with recognition and contempt, others with bemusement, others with confusion, and one or two with naked lust. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it all, so I just kept my head down and powered through. 

I reached the back of the gym and knocked on a closed door, and when it opened, a young black woman with long, luscious braids and bold makeup stood on the other side. She was tall and slender, and wore big, horn-rimmed glasses over her brown eyes. She wore an orange shawl over a light blue tank top and darker blue jeans, while red converse all-stars adorned her feet. A diamond engagement ring rested on her finger, shining proudly even in the cheap, artificial radiance of the overhead light. “Hi!” she exclaimed, effortless enthusiasm pouring out of her. 

“Uh… Hi!” I said, doing my best to match her immense energy. 

“You’re Katherine, right?” she said, opening the door wider and gesturing me into the office. 

“Uh, Kate, but yeah, that’s me,” I said. Her office was carpeted, with teal-painted walls and sleek metal desk in the corner. A bi pride flag hung over the wall, along with a framed copy of a college diploma from CSU Long Beach that read ‘Nadine Palmer.’

“So, I got your email, and first off, I wanna say, I am so, so sorry that happened to you,” Nadine said, gesturing to the bean bag chair that sat in front of her desk as she traipsed over to the regular chair on the other side. Seriously, what was with this place and weird seating arrangements?

I sat down in the bean bag chair, surprised by how soft and comfy it was. “Thank you. I… I gotta be honest, I have no idea what to do now. I’ve never really been a social media person, but I know I want a new image going forward.”

“Tired of the whole ‘macho bravado’ thing, I take it?” She said, offering me a sympathetic look. 

“Yeah, it, uh… Well, it served its purpose,” I said. “And now it doesn’t, anymore.”

“I completely understand. My fiance, Greg, went through the opposite version of it.”

“How do you mean?”

She looked at me for a second. 

“Oh, he’s-”

“Yes, exactly,” she said. “Used to have no idea how to stand up for himself, the poor man. But people can change.”

“Absolutely,” I nodded. 

“So, I think we should start by building an Insta profile for you, something that makes you seem friendly and approachable, and take it from there. Sounds good?”

“Sounds great!”

“More broadly, though, do you have any idea what kind of gimmick you’d like to go for?” Nadine asked. 

“I… I don’t know yet,” I said. “Do you think… For now, we could just focus on the bare bones stuff, get me ready for my first big public appearance as myself?”

“Totally fine,” Nadine said. “Mind if I ask you a personal, transition related question?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Have you started HRT yet?”

“Just took the first pill this morning,” I said. 

“Good, good. Here’s my pitch then: transition timeline. One photo of you every week, dolled up and looking gorgeous like you are now,” Nadine said.

I smiled. 

“Then we compile the timeline while the hormones work their magic slowly.”

“I like this plan!” I said. 

“Thought you would. Once you’re further along, we can decide on a more specific gimmick for you going forward. For now, though, who’s ready for a photo shoot?”

I mustered up my best smile. “I am.”

“That’s the spirit!” she said. 

***

The shoot flew by faster than expected, and so did the rest of the week as I finished repairs on Polyphemus in preparation for my fight. The bot was finished, ready inside my truck, and I sat in the driver’s seat in the parking lot, that damn parking lot where so much had happened to me, clutching the steering wheel with my seatbelt still fastened and the door still locked. 

“You okay?” Zeke said from the passenger’s side. He’d ridden in with me, while Faith and my parents were meeting us there. Zeke was originally going to do the same, but… He’d offered to keep me company on the ride over, and my heart freaking sang when he did. He’d been at my side through so much of this… Part of me wondered if I really deserved him. Part of me wondered if Faith deserved him more. 

But he wanted to be with me. He’d said as much. Granted, we’d both agreed to keep our relationship on the down-low at work, at least for the time being, but still… That he was there with me, to help prop me up, was amazing. “I’ve… Been better. Nervous, mostly. But I’ll be fine. Got all my repairs done before the match, got my outfit already-”

“You look gorgeous, by the way,” he said, gesturing to my black skirt and pink hoodie combination.

“Oh, stop,” I said, smiling bashfully and playfully waving my hand at him.

“Hey, just being honest,” he said. “My girlfriend looks gorgeous, I’m gonna tell her as much.”

My jaw dropped, but my lips slowly curved upwards into a smile as his words sank in. We both sat there a moment, a change in the atmosphere between us making itself readily apparent. “D-did… Did you just use the g-word?”

“Heh. I think so,” he said, scratching the back of his head. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. 

“I mean I just… We’ve been seeing each other pretty much nonstop for a few weeks now, we’ve made out a bunch of times, your dad even gave me the whole speech-”

“Yeah,” I said, warmth and giddiness exploding in me like a Fourth of July fireworks display. Girlfriend, I thought as euphoria and attraction swirled together. 

“If you’re not comfortable putting labels on it yet-”

I unbuckled my seatbelt, reached over, grabbed his face and kissed him. Our lips pressed together, his stubble scratching and tickling my carefully made-up face. I opened my mouth up further, pushing my tongue towards him, and after a nanosecond’s hesitation, he let it in. We Frenched for a few minutes, only the utmost willpower pulling me away from the magnetic connection that held the two of us together. I didn’t want to stop, but I knew if I didn’t, I’d be inviting him to tear off all my clothes. And putting aside the part where I wasn’t sure either of us were ready for that, it was a work night. 

“Okay,” I said, my voice breathy and girly, half-purr and half-whisper, my nose pressed against his. “I’m your girlfriend. You’re my boyfriend.” The euphoria and the giddiness tripled, quadrupled, quintupled. Everything felt clear and simple and right, as if I’d unlocked some higher sense of understanding myself and him and the both of us together. Of how we were more together than we were apart. 

“Okay,” he smiled. 

I kissed him one more time for luck, and said, “Let’s light this candle.”

Zeke helped me wheel Polyphemus into the arena. The first two fights of the evening had already gone down, and I handed my intro monologue card to the appropriate person. They read off my speech and introduced me, with Derek and Marty making note of a few adjustments I’d made. 

“Well, it seems this is a season of change, Derek,” Marty said into the microphone. “First Faith Watanabe, and now Kate Calloway as well.”

“Exciting times we live in, Marty,” Derek said. “Wonder what other surprises Team Polyphemus has in store for us tonight. 

“AND IN THE RED CORNER,” came the next monologue, roared to life by our glorious master of ceremonies, “This bot, is DA BOMB! It’s got an EXPLOSIVE PERSONALITY, and it’ll spin your head RIGHT ROUND RIGHT ROUND! It’s SPARKY-SPARKY-BOOM!”

Mr. and Mrs. Portman stood across from me, both clapping along to their own applause. Their bot was… An interesting design. 

A bomb. It looked like a big black bomb, mostly spherical, but with a rotating horizontal spinner consisting of a massive saw blade wrapped around it. The nub at the top of it looked like a wick but was, in reality, a spout that shot fire. 

Fire-breather against fire-breather it was. 

We were led into our respective boxes while our bots were wheeled onto the floor of the arena. “Hey there!” Mrs. Portman called out to me from her box, a smile I couldn’t decide on the veracity of gleaming across her face. Her husband, for his part, had adopted a smug smirk. 

“Hi,” I said awkwardly. 

“Good luck tonight!” 

“Thanks, you too,” I said, my voice dipping low.

“Oops, be careful about that voice,” Mrs. Portman said. “There’s cameras and microphones everywhere, you know.”

“Yeah, I picked up on that when you posted me on Insta without my consent,” I snapped. 

“Oh please, I did you a favor- you had no exposure on any socials, it was time you made your big high society debut,” Mrs. Portman said. 

White hot anger flashed inside me like a lightning bolt. “Lady, where the hell do you get off-”

“ROBOTS! ACTIVATE!” screamed the mechanical announcer. 

Mrs. Portman punched her button and then gave me a mocking wave. 

“We’re finishing this conversation later,” I said. 

“I sure hope we are!” she smiled. 

I grunted. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. I punched the button, and the bot battle began. 

The thing with horizontal spinners was that they had a built-in defense system, provided they didn’t take any major hits before they achieved full speed. Which meant there was a limited amount of time before my attacks would stop being as effective. Normally, a simple weapon like my katana would be able to jam the spinning blades before they could get to full power. 

But I hadn’t brought my katana that night. For tonight, I’d gone with a throwback and attached the ax Polyphemus. It would slow me down, but coming at this opponent from above made more sense to me than an attempted shot to the proverbial heart. 

Sparky-Sparky-Boom was faster than it looked- it came charging at me right out the gate, Mr. Portman stoic and stern as he piloted the bot. I didn’t move, didn’t even attempt to pivot. I just waited, waited, waited-

I slammed the trigger on my ax as SSB closed the gap, and my ax pile-drived into my opponent’s spinning hacksaw. Their weapon shattered, sliced down the middle and torn off its axis. 

“OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! KATE CALLOWAY HAS MADE A BRUTAL OPENING STATEMENT WITH A CRUSHING BLOW, DISABLING SPARKY-SPARKY-BOOM’S PRIMARY WEAPON WITH A SWING OF THE AX!” Marty screamed. 

“Nice shot, ‘girly,’” Mrs. Portman said, adding air quotes to the final word. Jerk. “Can you handle the heat, though?”

With that, her husband barrelled forward and rammed me the second I’d withdrawn my ax, pouring on the heat from its fire-spout as it used its greater weight to simply push me towards the screws. 

Dammit!

I slammed the trigger on my ax again, hoping to power it up quickly, all while trying to get myself out of SSB’s terrible momentum, but it none of my controls moved fast enough, and the next thing I knew I was shoved directly into the rotating screws as the blades took chunks out of Poly’s backside. Dammit! 

Ten seconds elapsed, and SSB was forced to back off. 

Mrs. Portman said something, with that smug grin plastered to her face as she worked the controls on her flamethrower, but I didn’t hear it. I didn’t care what it was. I couldn’t tell if she was being serious or if she was just playing the heel like I always had. And I didn’t care about that, either. I just knew I wanted to win. 

I flanked left around the bomb-shaped bot, taking advantage of its weight and slow turn time, bathing it in flames from both my flamethrowers while my ax got itself ready. SSB kept trying to turn, and I let myself slow down just an instant. 

SSB shot straight for me, and I pivoted Poly and brought the ax down on them again, slamming it directly into their flamethrower and setting loose a small explosion as a spark lit against the leaking fuel. I pried my ax free and went on the retreat, while SSB, wobbling on its axis, crawled towards me, hoping to ram me again. 

I tried the same trick again, but my ax wasn’t working- dammit, the fire must have disabled the controls! SSB rammed me, pushing me towards the rising kill saws in the center of the box, and all I could do was pour on the fire as the larger bot shoved me around like a ragdoll. 

I spewed fire, fire, fire, until finally, SSB started to smoke in all the wrong places and its engine gave off a sickly, wheezing, sputtering sound. It slowed down, slower, slower, slower. Half an inch from the kill saw behind it, Poly managed to stop SSB in its tracks, bringing the bomb-shaped bot to a halt entirely. 

Once the kill saws went down, I drove out of the way, and the countdown started as SSB found itself entirely stationary. 

“-3, 2, 1- that’s the fight!” the ref decreed as the alarm sounded and the crowd went wild. 

I was half-tempted to do my usual fist-pump, to scream and jeer, to make a big stupid macho display of myself… But I didn’t want that. So instead, I gave a simple curtsey and then ambled over to the interview. 

“So, Kate Calloway, two wins in a row, and this the first one as the new you,” Derek Benes said into the microphone. “Did everything go according to plan tonight?”

“Oh, there was no plan,” I admitted, scratching the back of my head and laughing awkwardly. “I’d never faced the Portmans before, I was mostly just winging it. Except for the ax, that was planned, but even then I had to improvise.”

“Anything to say to your upcoming opponents now that you have a winning record? The regular season is winding down, and you’re still gonna need another win to make it into the tournament.”

I looked for words within, looked for a version of my usual bullshit that wouldn’t give me dysphoria. Maybe… Maybe I should just try to do the opposite of what I would normally do. What was the worst that could happen?

“Just that I’m really looking forward to fighting each and every one of you,” I said with the sincerest smile I could muster. “May the best bot win!”

Derek bid me farewell, and I pulled the sledge carrying my bot into the pits. Half of the wires were fried, and the ax was gonna need sharpening, and I’d gone through a month’s worth of flamethrower fuel in the span of three minutes, but… But dammit, I’d won, and I hadn’t made an ass of myself for a change. I was proud of myself. 

It was a new feeling. 

“Hey there,” Mrs. Portman said as she walked up to me. 

Crap. This was gonna be difficult. 

“Hi,” I managed.

“Good fight,” she said. 

“It was.”

“Don’t think you’ll win a second time, though,” she said, that passive-aggressive smile never leaving her face. “I underestimated you tonight. It won’t happen again.”

“Well, hopefully you trying to dox someone on social media won’t happen again either,” I said, planting my feet and putting my hands on my hips.

“I’d hardly call what I did doxxing-”

“Maybe not, but I wouldn’t call it a good thing to do, either.”

“Oh please, I did you a favor.”

I scowled. “A favor? You call that a favor?”

“Yeah,” she said, folding her arms behind her back. “Forced your hand and made you think about how you present yourself, carry yourself. Given that you’ve clearly never spared a moment’s thought to that before this past week, I’d say I did you a favor.”

I gritted my teeth. Unbelievable; this jerk was trying to turn this around on me. I bunched my fists together, feeling the screams coming from deep within my belly. 

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind. “I think what she’s trying to say is that she would have appreciated you asking her before you did something like that,” Zeke said, putting his arm around me and standing by my side. 

A fluttering joy sang through me as I stood with him, as he protected me, as he helped me protect the person I wanted to be. 

“Hm. Well, agree to disagree,” Mrs. Portman said as her husband came over and stood beside her. 

The four of us all glared at each other, until finally, I started laughing. The Portmans stared at me in confusion and irritation for a moment, and then Zeke started laughing too. The Portmans left while Zeke and I kept standing there laughing like idiots.

Faith approached us from the back entrance and said, “Uh, what are you two laughing about?”

“Oh, just how ridiculous this all is,” I said. 

“And how ridiculous those two are,” Zeke said. 

“And how ridiculous I am,” I said. 

“Hey now, come on, what did you say about being mean to yourself?”

I exhaled heavily. “That I’d do it less?”

“Yes, exactly. You won tonight, and you had a successful debut. We should celebrate.”

“Sounds great!” I said. I turned to Faith and said, “You wanna come with?”

She hesitated, but finally said, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Are you sure?” Zeke asked. 

“I’m sure,” she said, heading for the exit. “I’m gonna go home and get some sleep. You two have fun though!”

She smiled, and she waved, but as she left, I couldn’t help but notice the sadness in her eyes.