Engel felt that he lost control of himself at times, and he couldn’t even help or do anything about it. There were times where Engel would blink, and he didn’t know where he was, or even what he was doing.

 

“Sil.”

 

Nobody responded, and Engel didn’t expect anyone to. He smiled slightly in the dark, leaning his back against the cold stone walls and sitting down.

 

“Sil, if I don’t get out of here, I’ll haunt you if you hurt him.”

 

Engel closed his eyes, but it didn’t make much of a difference. The room was pitch black.

 

This was how Ulan lived for three years, right?

 

“Eirene, I only pray that you won’t die. Can you even die? Even if you can’t, stop while you’re at it.”

 

Engel let out a sigh, placing a hand on his head. He forgot he left his cloak with Ulan.

 

“Eros… how is Zhilan? Is he resting peacefully? Are you still visiting him?” Engel chuckled softly as he spoke to himself. “Zhilan is sweet. If there comes a day he’s reborn again, maybe you’ll meet again.”

 

“I haven’t seen you in a while, Gula. Maybe we can meet, if I’m not dead by tomorrow.”

 

Thinking about it, Engel thought about visiting the Lunas Medical Ward again. Make sure she isn’t dying. How would he get her to change? She is extremely stubborn and doesn’t listen to anyone. Engel was slightly stumped, but he did know he would have to go back eventually.

 

Maybe with Ulan? Maybe when this whole ordeal is over?

 

Engel wished.

 

Right now, he was suffering. It had been only an hour or so, but Engel understood that someone had endured this for three whole years.

 

From the year 3018 to the year 3021.

 

“Ulan…”

 

Nobody answered, but Engel didn’t expect anyone to.

 

“When the day comes, when I’m finally free from the remnants, will you forgive me?”

 

He tapped his finger against the wall.

 

“Probably not. You’ve changed a lot. Sch… Ulan… you’ve become cold and distant. I can understand, yet, it feels horrible.”

 

Pitch darkness, isolation, and a tinge of hopelessness. Engel experienced it all today.

 

“I hate.”

 

***

 

Ulan didn’t exactly have access to his old books, and neither did he have access to the royal palace. If anything, he was simply an average citizen.

 

It’ll be a while until he is fully accustomed to this way of living. Maybe he’ll never be accustomed to it. If he’s being honest, after being beat up so badly, he doesn’t want to be at the lowest point anymore.

 

And— he’s been getting a stinging sensation in his left earlobe.

 

Fuck.

 

Ulan hissed from the pain, and hit his head against the pillow.

 

“Fucking! Hell! What the fuck is this! Fuck! It hurts so bad!”

 

Torturous! This was fucking torturous! Who the fuck would do this?!

 

He’s already been to hell and back, what more is wanted of him?!

 

And— where is Engel..?!

 

Is this some more mind manipulation shit? Fuck.

 

“Engel! I curse you and all your ancestors!” Ulan spat out, his voice slightly muffled from the pillow. He punched it before screaming, and only once he was done, opened his eyes and stared down.

 

“Curse you…”

 

Ulan hissed.

 

“Curse you and all your fucking…”

 

Suddenly, Ulan’s head turned at the sound of banging. He narrowed his eyes, gripping the pillow in his hands tighter.

 

“You have the key, you fucking dimwit! Open the door yourself!” Ulan yelled again.

 

The doors lock rustled, and Ulan rolled his eyes and laid back down. Once he heard the door unlock, he looked towards the person entering.

 

“Damnit, took you long en— Shohei!?” Ulan’s eyes widened. He immediately sat back up and stared at the man who entered.

 

Shohei!

 

Shohei looked a bit tired, and he simply smiled looking at Ulan. He waved, and sighed slightly. “Your highness…”

Holy shit! I haven’t seen Shohei in… years! Well, he is, like— wait, what’s—

 

“H–How did you..? Where is he?” Ulan’s demeanor changed, and he seemed slightly confused and curious. He relaxed a little, and was less tense.

 

He was familiar with Shohei, simply as he’s worked with him before. Shohei also was familiar with Engel, scaringly familiar, it was almost like they had known each other for centuries. Ulan was pleasantly surprised! If anything, he’d much prefer anyone else other than that deranged maniac.

 

He can’t help but wonder where Engel was, and why Shohei was here instead. Of course, Ulan wasn’t going to complain, it just meant he didn’t have to see that fucking bastard, but still. It’s only human nature to question and theorize.

 

“Your highness, great, you’re here,” Shohei spoke, and walked closer— quickly walked closer. He knelt down and examined Ulan’s face. “We went to the Itim Grotto, and saw that the spiritual array was undone, the Queen wants to see you again.”

 

“Shohei, what? She hates me.” Ulan responded, moving away slightly from Shohei. His eyes narrowed, and he touched his left ear again.

 

Is this why it has hurt so much? They were tracking my location?

 

Right before Ulan had been imprisoned, he had gotten a spiritual tracker implanted in his ear by his mother. Ulan forgot it even existed, and that he even had it. In all honesty, Ulan forgot most things.

 

Also, what in the world has happened when he has been gone? We went to war with Cecilia?

 

Shohei shook his head, “Your highness, she never did. I… I’ve seen how she misses you, and was extremely relieved to hear that you were wrongly accused.”

 

Wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait.

 

Ulan froze for a moment, and it took him a minute to really process what had been said to him.

 

She knew.

 

Mother knows, she knows that I was wrongfully accused? Framed? She knows? Who told her? How does she know? Did something happen? Did she get a lead? Does this explain why Engel isn’t the one here, and instead Shohei?

 

“S–Shohei! Let me go back to the castle!” Ulan spoke.

 

Shohei hummed before speaking, “That was the plan, your majesty.”

 

Bituin! I can get back to Bituin!

 

Ulan was mentally celebrating. Things were finally going his way, and he desperately—

 

…Why would I care about her right now? That’s something Engel wanted to do, not me. Why would I go find Bituin?

 

Ulan had changed. He had changed a lot. He didn’t care about others as much as he did before, and he doesn’t think he can revert back to his old self. Engel ruined him, and Ulan hated it.

 

Unless Engel gave an arm and a leg to him, Ulan would never forgive him. Engel was devoid of forgiveness, but Ulan can’t help but kind of want to help him.

 

Ulan isn’t stupid. He’s known to be sharp and have a good eye. Hell— he’s been able to identify moles, and even hidden weapons.

 

15 years in Xevian culture is seen as being fully matured, but 13 is when Elvens are checked if their bloodline had any spiritual power. Typically, if one of your parents had spiritual power, you had a higher chance of having it. Elvens of high status or royalty typically have the power to seal others' powers for an indefinite period of time.

 

Ulan had it as well alongside his water manipulation, but his mother took it away from him 3 years ago. He could get it back now! He could!

 

I don’t care about others.

 

…But I really don’t want Bituin to die.

 

“Your majesty? You’re quiet.” Shohei spoke up, slashing the silence in half. Ulan looked up quickly, and only nodded.

 

“Sorry,” Ulan apologized, “I’m thinking. Where’s Engel? Also, I want to go to the Lunas Medical Ward when we get there.”

 

Yes, I want to go to Lunas. Yes, I’m selfish and only looking for my own benefit, but I… I really want to see her again. Not for Engel, no, not for him. I want to see her simply because I want to help her.

 

I want to help her.

 

Shohei looked down. “Engel is at the Itim Grotto.”

 

“It…im..?” Ulan’s word was stretched out. Itim Grotto… Itim— Itim. Itim Grotto was pitch black, and not even a candle could light it up.

 

The only way to light up Itim Grotto was to have spiritual power and be able to light a Palm Lamp.

 

Itim Grotto was where Ulan resided for three years during banishment. Itim Grotto was the place Ulan loathed, because he was stuck there.

 

Itim Grotto was the place where Ulan hated, and never wanted to go back.

 

Itim Grotto was the mortal realms equivalent of hell.

 

“Please do not worry about it, your highness,” Shohei spoke again, and placed a hand on his side, right over the hilt of his sword. “Come back to the palace. I’ll escort you, your mother wants to see you.”

 

Ulan shook his head. “Take me to Itim first.”

 

Engel, count this as a fucking favor. I may hate you, but it’s no denying you saved my life twice.

 

…I don’t think I really want to die.

 

Shohei sighed, “...I’m going to be demoted, your highness. Alright, we’ll stop by there first.”

 

***

 

Engel was used to the darkness by now, but he knew the psychological effects this might have on his brain. He’d seen it first hand in Ulan’s behavior in the past day. Ulan was cold, distant, and was easily agitated.

 

Ulan said one thing, but then would do the other. Ulan would say that he wanted to die, but then he would flinch when a knife was thrust towards his chest.

 

It was like Ulan says he wants to die, but in reality, he’s scared of death.

 

However, if that may be true, why had Ulan almost killed himself two times? This was something Engel was trying to figure out.

 

Ulan was becoming unpredictable and extremely unreliable. The amount of psychological torment he was put through surprised even Engel. He didn’t think it’d take that much of a toll on his mind.

 

Ulan’s thoughts were in disarray as well. The last few days, reading Ulan’s thoughts was like trying to read a book, but all the words were in the wrong position on the paper.

 

If Engel had anything to say about it, Ulan was currently unstable.

 

Itim Grotto— he’d heard of the name countless times in the past three years. Every now and then, someone would bring it up and play rock paper scissors to decide who’s going to check up on its residence. Engel never went. It was way too easy to win those games, and the other members of the battalion never won against a mind reader.

 

It wasn’t fair, was it? Life isn’t fair. Life is about suffering, and suffering is a part of existence. Everyone will suffer at one point or another, it’s just your time hasn’t come yet.

 

Engel chuckled slightly as he leaned against the wall, sitting on the ground. He felt something sharp with his hand, and he winced slightly.

 

“That glass shard, huh?” Engel spoke to himself. He found himself smiling slightly, and carefully picked it up. “This was the first thing that almost killed you.”

 

Engel’s face was blank now, as he simply stared off into nothing, letting his mind water. What if he tried the same thing Ulan did? What if he tried?

 

It’s futile. He knows he won’t die. Eternal suffering is only the consequence of sin. Engel just embraced it, and he wasn’t getting out of it. Even if some miracle happened, he’ll still suffer. It’s his punishment for what happened long ago.

 

His life, it’s gone a lot longer than he’d liked it too. It should’ve ended ages ago.

 

“Is everyone still alive?”

 

Silence was once more a part of the room.

 

“Who am I kidding,” Engel sighed, “it’s only 5 of us left. Eros, Gula… can I follow your example?”

 

Can I follow your example?

 

Although a sudden smile was plastered on Engel’s face seeing the glowing of a palm lamp.

 

“Your highness… we should have gotten your spiritual power back,” a voice spoke. Engel knew exactly who that voice belonged to.

 

Well hello... Shohei. It’s been a hot minute. How many names have you had… too many to count. You’re lucky the queen always recognizes you. Ha, I can recognize you just by seeing the back of your hand.

 

“Yeah, well my mother wouldn’t have let me come here!” A more fiery voice replied to the first statement. Engel felt himself laugh, he was so easy to recognize now.

 

Ulan… Schatz...

 

Engel stared at the light for a moment before speaking, “Yoohoo. Well hello to you two.”

 

Shohei’s eyes moved to where he heard the voice, and Engel only smiled. It was so dark here— it really deserved its name of Itim Grotto.

 

“Over here.” Engel called once more.

 

“Oh, Engel! You fucking idiot!” Ulan cursed, grabbing Shohei’s arm quickly and quickly moving over to where Engel was. “You went to the palace to turn yourself in?! You absolute idiot! I thought you were going to Bituin!”

 

Engel smiled, the palm light coming out of Shohei’s hand illuminating the small area. “Oh, Schatz, you went along with it.”

 

Ulan was quiet, and confused.

 

“Your highness,” Shohei sighed, “you’ve become quick to act.”

 

“Mn, Schatz, I hope you forgive me for this.” Engel said, closing his eyes for a moment. He yawned before opening them up again. “Also, aren’t you still poisoned? You’re doing exactly what I planned, but I’m slightly concerned.”

 

“Stop talking, dimwit!” Ulan hissed, “You said you were going to find someone else to go into the palace!”

 

Shohei tilted his head a bit. “Oh, yeah, Engel did.”

 

“What?” Ulan responded.

 

“Shirong.”

 

Engel smiled slightly. “You’re alright with your boyfriend going undercover like that?”

 

“Engel,” Shohei sighed, frowning. “He’s more mature than you think. He isn't someone who needs babying.”

 

You and I both know that.

 

“No, no no. Who is Shirong?” Ulan spoke up, before nudging Shohei’s arm to start disassembling the array.

 

“Shirong is from Elyve, also Shohei’s little lover.” Engel snickered.

 

Shohei simply hummed, working on disassembling the array with his free hand. It took him a few minutes to finally get the hang of it. “Can you please just call him Shirong? His actual name?”

 

“Nope. It’s more fun to call him your little lover,” Engel replied, sliding the glass shard he was holding away and standing up, leaning against the wall with his foot propped up.

 

You two have a year left.

 

Engel shook the thought off for a moment, He glanced at Ulan, who was right behind Shohei.

 

“Schatz, you're still wearing the cloak?” he teased, leaning his head against the bar.

 

Shohei narrowed his eyes, “Engel, off the bars, I don’t feel like giving you frostbite.”

 

“Harsh..”

 

Ulan looked at Engel as well, and simply nodded. “It helped hide my identity, so I kept it on. Also, idiot, what use was this?! Aren’t you trying to destroy those demons?! What use is locking yourself up?!”

 

“Schatz, I only wish…” Engel trailed off, before smiling once more. “Nevermind. You’ll understand later.”

 

Schatz, I only wish I could control myself. This was also an episode of my ever growing self pride. I simply believed that I could do this so I went head on without thinking. If... you weren't here, I would have failed.

 

Ulan still helped Engel, despite the fact Engel ruined his life. That intrigued him.

 

I thought you hated me. You went off and off about how much you wanted me dead, but you’re here. You’re lying, aren’t you? You don’t have the will or want to kill anyone.

 

When you tried to kill yourself, you hesitated both times.

 

That was something Engel noticed. When he had met Ulan in the grotto, he heard Ulan’s thoughts by tapping inside his head. Ulan was scared. He was constantly worried about the pain it would have caused. Ulan was scared that he would have regretted it. When Engel found out Ulan had eaten one of those poisonous herbs, Engel saw Ulan’s worry and anxiety. It was all proven when Engel tapped into Ulan’s head once more, hearing how he was scared.

 

Ulan committed, but his heart didn’t want to.

 

Schatz, you’re an interesting character. Though, I suppose you think the same of me. I’m not only interesting, but a raging maniac to you.

 

Don’t worry, I’ve heard it all.

 

Engel simply watched as the barrier was being undone, staring at Ulan. He felt a tinge in his heart, and he simply wished to reverse time.

 

“Schatz.”

 

Ulan turned his head.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“The fuck you mean sorry?! Shut up!” Ulan hissed, yelling at Engel which only made Engel smile.

 

Shohei was almost done with disassembling the barrier as he glanced over, “Your highness, please be nice.”

 

“No! Do you know how much he ruined my life?!”

 

“Your highness…”

 

Engel knew what Shohei was thinking. "If you hate him so much, why are you here?"

 

Though, Engel really wished he had been less maniacal when he went to save Ulan first.

 

He stared at Ulan, and he really, really wanted to make things right.

 

“Schatz, if you ask, I’ll give you my whole life.”

 

“Excuse me?” Ulan raised an eyebrow, daring Engel to say that again.

 

Engel smiled. “Nothing.”

 

I would.

 

He really would, if that was what it took to show Ulan he was sincere. To show Ulan, make him understand that Engel really couldn’t control when his episodes hit.

 

It’s not that he had mental problems, it’s just that he’s cursed.

 

We share that in common, Schatz.

 

And, we share that with the other person in the room as well.

 

Engel knew that most people were under the impression that he was just mentally deranged, and maybe that was true. Maybe Engel was slightly unhinged, but it’s because of it.

 

Schatz, I…

 

He didn’t want to say I love you.

 

He didn’t think Ulan would believe, and neither would Ulan reciprocate. Engel knew he was human garbage.

 

If I can’t say I love you, I want to say I miss the old you.

 

The old Ulan is what Engel wished to see again.