I woke up a few hours later than I was used to, and I felt tired. Terribly tired. The dream must have taken a heavy toll. After rolling out of bed the tiredness got worse and worse. I didn't bother putting on something else as I already knew it would be futile. Was I getting ill?

Successfully making my way to the kitchen it got harder to breathe. I saw Ida sitting at the kitchen table, reading some book I've never heard of.

“Oh you're awake, you don't look very well. What's wrong?”

“I've just had the strangest dream ab-” I couldn't talk any further. My strength left me and I collapsed to the ground. Ida didn't waste a second, she rushed towards me and took my hand. She seemed to process what I said for a moment before reaching her purse and pulling out the envelope. It was glowing in a mysterious blue now.

“Oh, this isn't good.” She looked between me and the envelope multiple times before settling to look at me. The concern was written all over her face. “You have to stay with me, please. Just hang on. Everything will be fine I promise.”

Every passing second it got harder to concentrate. Her words were soon just an undistinguishable noise.

My body started to burn, I couldn't keep my eyes open and forming a coherent thought wasn't possible anymore. The tiredness also grew stronger and it wasn't long ‘till I couldn't hold on anymore.

I don't know for how long I was out but once my consciousness came back, the first thing I saw was my mother. Cowering over me and sobbing, Ida was also there, she sat in the back and looked terrible. None of them seemed to have noticed that I was awake again.

“Wha... What happened.” I could talk again even though with some difficulty. My throat was sore as hell.

As soon as she noticed I was awake, mom took my hand and started stroking my hair carefully. She looked terrible, her eyes were puffy and red accompanied by pronounced eye bags. Her lip was wobbling and her whole body trembled. “Ida told me what happened. It's my fault I shouldn't have -”

“No Mara, it's my fault. I was the one who thought she was ready. I should have known better.” Ida for her part didn't look much better than mom but she seemed to be able to hold herself together much better.

My head was still a bit dizzy. Following their conversation required a great amount of effort.

“I'm so glad you're still alive. I just recently met you and now you nearly died because of my stupidity, you must have come to hate me.” Was this another dream? Was this real? I couldn't decide. Regardless, I hated seeing her like this, I wanted her to stop crying.

“I don't hate you, mom. I'm happy I met you.” I gave her my best smile. It was a small smile and my cheeks started to hurt but she needed to stop crying. I wanted her to know that she meant the world to me. We only had a few hours together but those were the best few of my life.

She rested her head on my chest and started stroking my hair. I couldn't see her face now but at least she stopped crying.

The room was quiet for a while, the dizziness left me and while my throat still hurt it felt much better now. I started another try.

“What happened? I remember feeling tired and then suddenly my body started hurting.”

Mom and Ida exchanged a knowing look and Ida left the room while mom sat on the edge of the bed. She gave me a reassuring smile and wiped away some of the hair that had fallen in my face. I don't remember it ever being that long or green for that matter. I already had a suspicious feeling I knew what was going on but since a big part of my body was still numb I waited for my mother of confirmation.

“I think... what happened might be... you see, ” - she was starting to stare at the wall in front, something on it seemed to have piqued her interest - “the letter, you...”

“You can just say it.”

“We think you have accidentally activated the letter and... and accepted it's offer.

“When you got back the... the transformation already set in but there wasn't enough magic around you any more to support it” - she got awfully quiet on this part - “ the transformation and then your magic... it started burning you up from the inside.” I had just gotten her to stop crying and now she starting again and I felt compelled to do the same, “ you were so close to dying. I... I don't know what I would have if... if you had -”

“Don't.” Mom was taken aback, her mouth wide open and her eyes still so full of worry, “I'm alive now aren't I?” I gave her my best smile through my tear smeared face and hoped it would help to cheer her up again.

“Oh, Eli. You don't know how much you mean to me.” She tried to hug me once more but with me lying down, unable to cooperate made this pretty awkward.

Eli, hmm? Elinora. 

I could vividly remember every single word written in the letter. Elinora, Sorceress, true self.

Did my soul really write this? Subconsciously I knew the answer, but I couldn't accept it. Did I raise you to be a fucking girl? No, I could never accept this, this was wrong, a mistake, it had to be.

Defeated, I put my sight back onto my in blankets covered body, “So I'm a girl now?”

There was no beating around the bush, “Yes Eli, I'm sorry.”

I took a deep breath and pushed these feelings aside, they could wait until later. Right now I wanted to spend some more time with my mom.

Ida entered the room sometime later with a handful of snacks and two cups of coffee. “Here” she handed mom her coffee and put the snacks beside my bedside table.

“Where are we anyway?” I asked, curiosity finally getting the better of me. The room was big, decorated with ancient-looking furniture, a massive wardrobe adored the back, a trophy cabinet to my left and lots of pictures of old people dressed in robes with staffs or wands in hand padded the walls. 

Maybe the most intriguing was the sceptre. Securely locked behind a display it was slowly flying up and down. I couldn't avert my eyes.

 “We're in my bedroom... Eli, are you listening?”

“Oh sorry, was distracted.”

As it turns out, I was lying in my mom's bedroom in upper Alos. The capital city of Amerbia, the world I had entered when I first meet mom. We talked some more and at one point I regained feeling in my body, I could even make small movements again. I tried hard to suppress the strange sensations that my body gave off. Not now, Eli. This can wait. 

I used my newfound mobility to search the room some more, anything to keep my mind forming those dangerous thoughts. And then I saw it. Right above me hung a portrait of four people, two young women, one with forest green hair, the other a brunette one and behind them stood two elderly people, clad in what I presumed would count as traditionally mage.

“Are they...?”

“Ah yes. Your grandparents, Marie and Hernold Sypha.”

“I have grandparents?” It never occurred to me how absurd it must have been but since my father never told me about my mom or her family, I just assumed. And now here I was not only with a mother and an aunt but with grandparents too. I wanted to cry right now and here but I had to keep myself together. Men don't cry.

“Can I meet them?” 

Mom and Ida starred at each other, Ida shook her head violently and mom nodded.

“I think it would be best if we waited a bit with the family reunion.”

I pouted.

“You see, ” sheepishly she scratched her head, “my parents... your grandparents are more on the traditional side of things, with gender roles and the like...” She looked at me unsure of what to say next, “I think it would be best if we waited till you're more comfortable with your current situation... ”

“Oh.”

I was a bit disappointed but I could see her point. Still, I couldn't wait to someday meet them.

“There's something else I need to talk to you about.” Her voice had me a bit worried I hoped there weren't any more surprises. Getting thrown into another world, nearly dying and being turned into a girl were enough for now.

“Yes?” I asked unsure of what to expect.

“I wanted to enroll you at our academy. I think it might help you get used to life in Amebria and you will learn how to use your magic. What do you say?”

I hadn't expected this at all but it didn't sound too bad. Learning magic was one of the things I looked forward to the most. “Sure, why not?”

Conversation drifted again. Mom and I caught up on the things that happened in our lives. It was wonderful learning all the things that happened in mom's life, from what she told me, she was quite the troublemaker. She, in turn, listened carefully about the thing that happened in my life, which to be honest weren't that interesting. I was a depressed mess after all. When I mentioned my father she swore under her breath.

“That fucking piece of shit mind-bender.”

“Wha... what?”

This was the first time I saw her like that. Her hand balled into fists, her face was twisted with rage and her eyes full of hatred. Then it hit me, a pulse of energy chilling me to the bone.

“Mara, calm down,” Ida said as she laid a hand on her shoulder.

“No, she has the right to hear the truth about her father.”

“Are you sure? She's not ready yet.”

 

“I appreciate your concern but... I have to do this. Would you?”

“Yes, I understand.” Ida turned to me once more, “Whatever your mother tells you, know that she nor I ever loved you any less.”

Once Ida left, mom sat beside me and started playing with my hair again. “Do you know what a mind-bender is?”

“No.” I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Ida's words repeated themselves over and over in my head. We never loved you less. I braced myself for the worst.

“Everyone who is born here has at least some semblance of magic. Some more, others less.

“There are people who are born with some unique talents, one of them includes forcing their will onto other people... we usually call them mind-benders.

“Your father was born with this talent. To understand why this happened you have to know that every girl born in our family is born with a gift. A gift the mother passes on to her daughter.”

I didn't like where this was going in the least. Maybe Ida was right, I didn't want to hear this but I couldn't bring myself to stop her.

“I was young, not much older than you when I met him.” She had this sad laugh as she recounted what happened so long ago. “He was charming and I instantly fell in love with him; or so I thought. Suddenly I got pregnant and didn't know what to do.

“But he was there for me all the way and I couldn't wait to meet my baby girl. You see, because of the gift passed down in our family we are unable to bear a boy.

”I was young and naive. After your birth, he changed. He was cold and distant. Then one night, not a week after you were born he put me under his spell again.

“It was easy for him to take you, I couldn't resist, I wasn't strong enough. There is nothing I wish more than I could have been there for you. Could have been the mother you deserved.

“I wanted to go after him, get my baby back but I couldn't. He put another spell on me that prevented me from entering the other side. I didn't know the formula so I was unable to undo his spell. I pleaded with my sister to help me. I didn't need to. She was on his trail already but your father was... his whole life was building up to this moment. To take away my little girl and to steal this world of the gift that was given to us.”

I had no words. I was right, my father didn't want me. And worse my mother, I was... how could I...

No matter how many times I told myself to stop crying, to man up, it wouldn't work. I was a disappointment, failure. I was never going to be the man my father wanted me to be and my mother... every time she would look at me... I would forever remind her of what he did to her.

“I need some time to think.”

 Mom was about to touch me again, but I didn't want it. Not after what I had done to her... no, I couldn't face her right now.

Still, she placed a kiss on my forehead and was mumbling something under her breath. Before she left, she turned to me one more time, “I can't imagine how hard this must be on you, but please, don't let your father's lies get to you.”

Easier said than done. I couldn't stop thinking about what mom told me, not only about herself but also about my father. I tried to tell me that she loved me nonetheless but... it was hard.

'Never doubt your mother's love'

Huh. Strange. Where did that come from? I didn't pay it any more mind, my body was regaining more and more of its usual functionality and there were more important things.

Standing on shaking legs I had to support myself as not to fall. I made my way to the small mirror hung above a pile of clothing carelessly tossed onto a wooden chair. The girl I saw reminded me of a picture or rather portrait I had seen earlier, adjusting my gaze I made my way to the portrait of a young girl. She had the same heart-shaped face, her lips, however, formed a smile and her green eyes, even through the portrait radiated happiness. The girl in the mirror instead looked at me like a dumb fish.

I wondered if someday I can be as happy as her. I peek at the mirror once again and tried to smile, just as the girl in the portray had done and, for the briefest of moments I got this feeling in my chest a that I had never before, and as quickly as it appeared, it was gone again. The girl in the mirror replaced by an older man with black hair. He was yelling at me, how could I sink so far. Was I seriously entertaining these thoughts? No.

I tried to get away from him but he stayed I my head, telling me over and over again what a disgrace I was. 'Everyone else in your situation would a devastated',  'You should be ashamed of yourself'.

I couldn't stop it, he was in my head and he wouldn't get out, but he was right. I wasn't a girl, I would never be one. I had to find a way to undo this.

'Don't let him corrupt your mind.'

There it was again. This voice, it sounded so kind and familiar, heavenly even, yet I had never heard it before.

'No one judges you.'

But he was right. I shouldn't just accept this. I was a man after all. If I hadn't tried hard enough I had to try harder.

'Don't let him take away what you want most.'

The voice disappeared together with the image of my father. Left utterly conflicted I crawled back to bed, put the cover over myself and tried to shut my head off. Staring at the portrait of the happy girl I asked myself the question anyone but me seemed to know, “What the hell do I want?”