Chapter Theme Music: Wintery Night ~ Derek Fiechter (Mists of Ice)
<02/28/149,565 {Avion 148} - 15:45 | Corral Position, Genosis, Altiri Sector Space>
<Karnak to ACS414 Date Equivalent: 02/28/2009>
"I beg of you, Lumina. Please do not drag out our collective failures with your insane jokes." Derria spoke to us directly, as she and a few others had teleported into my ship to discuss what we already knew by now.
"And I beg of you, to not take the words I say to you as lightly as one would in a jest." Part of what she said was not arguable, even to me. We all spent a few years scanning all places of the south, and while we surely did not study more than two percent of the entire local zone populations, it was spread out enough and long enough to get a basic picture to the question I presented long ago. I've already let everyone know I ceased giving the mission significance a while ago, though here we are circling the same issue.
So I began again, certain as I was to do what I had to do. "This very situation is unlike anything we've faced before. I know what I'm asking from all of us, what it would mean... You must understand that I cannot turn a blind eye to someone so innocent, suffering in heart too much to bear." My target, my person of interest who I had been watching grow up passively for years was still the center of my mind, the center of my focus. I've watched him long enough to know that his entire future is soon to be doomed, if nobody intervenes in his life and helps him turn it around.
Fionne was here with us as well, speaking her voice while everyone on their respective ships listened with their minds. "This is by far the most unlike you I've ever witnessed Lumina. Nothing you say is making any sense. I understand the situation you present to represent for this one human, but it is a situation that happens far more often than most are led to believe."
"Fionne is right," Sherika assisted. "Most of the humans we do see are so messed up or broken, that those who truly are innocent on that world wind up the same or in a worse position. Sad as it may be, we have seen this happen before directly, more times than I care to count. Why now would this one human be any different?"
I wanted to thank Fionne and Sherika for understanding at the very least that the aspects of this one human's uniqueness had little to do with the obvious and more alerting factor, but Hurma was not so understanding, and she interrupted all of us in person to remind us of this one fact. "All of you are forgetting the bigger picture in this problem. Costs for all of us aside, this Reed you have become fond of is nothing more than a putrid, disgusting heathen! His age matters not! All who are male in that world will turn out to become a heathen; it is bred into their genetics."
Standing my ground cautiously, I had to nod my head in front of Hurma, forgiving her overwhelming anger and hatred for any and all men which we all share. "It should be obvious to you by now that I have judged him to be totally free of all heathenism influences. However, I'm afraid that if something about his situation is not changed soon, all of that outside influence will eventually affect him."
"Then how can he of all people be any different to the billions of heathens already there? He is no exception. All heathens are the same! There is no such thing as an innocent male."
I knew this wasn't going to be easy. Half of everyone didn't even take my presentation or plea seriously at first. What I'm asking everyone to help me with is more than tough; it's practically impossible! There is only one way I can think of to help Reed out of his dire situation, to prevent him from becoming someone he we will later regret. If I'm ever to talk to him or befriend this unique soul, the only way I can do that is to deliver him a purge, activating his Cora sector and giving him the power of limited telepathy, between his world and ours. "You're wrong about this time Hurma. I've paid close and careful attention to his character. I'm sure I've never met a soul like his before. His own self-awareness and insightfulness to the world around him shields him from many toxic influences that society trades around."
"Lumina, if I may speak?"
I was already fairly upset with Hurma for being so unreasonable about the situation, but since Sherika was the one wanting to deliver more dialogue, I offered her no resistance, her intelligence and charisma trustworthy to us all. "Go ahead Sherika."
"Your statement of Reed's character and your desire to suddenly purge him are both in contradiction. If he is as capable of handling his own mental development free from influence as you say, then there would be no need to intervene in his life for any course correction."
Sherika doesn't know how bad his situation has become though. He hasn't suffered the same horrid things others on Earth often do, but he also has lacked much of the necessary interaction for any balanced happiness. All Reed wants in life is people to befriend, and none offer their hand to him even when he breaks free from his passive introversion momentarily to try. His mind may be solid, but most hearts are fragile, and his is more sensitive than I would have guessed at a first look. "But that's—"
Sherika cut my off with her hand signal before I could say anymore, unfinished with what she had to say. "Furthermore, the clear fact that you are so fixated on this one person of interest, to even go as far wishing you could purge him, is proof of what Junko warned me about earlier. You've grown too attached to your subject of study. It was bad enough that you failed to switch targets and locations when all of us did, but here you stand now, ready to make a life-changing decision for someone you barely know."
Her words dug into me, hurting more than a thousand stones. What Sherika said to me was not harsh, for it was mostly truth. I was certain she was only wrong in two specifics; Reed's ability to make it on his own without catastrophic psychological damage, and the notion that I don't know him well. "I do know him though, more than you think!" The agitation of my voice didn't seem to add any weight to my promise for the others, but I knew I was correct. So what if I've allowed myself to become so attached to Reed? It is for this exact reason why I know him more than others believe.
I watched Reed passively grow up, getting to know the person locked inside, always wishing to be expressive, yet so afraid of exposing a sliver of his personality to those around him, where everyone is so judgmental. If any human ever saw him for who he really was, they would laugh and claim he is too sensitive of a person; but the truth to it is, his collective sensations and sensitivities are his greatest strengths, so much that he is his own unique person, worthy of appraisal outside an already tarnished human name. I cannot call him a heathen, an idiot, nor even a representative of any other human. In fact, I've never seen a young man with so much respect for life than Reed, in the thousands of years I've been watching ACS414. He is the exception. He is someone special.
I'm willing to risk everything in my life to prove what I know to all of us, and I can use a psionic purge to do so, to change the course of his life as well as our own, but I need help and support in sending a purge; I cannot do it alone. "Please everyone. I know this decision will not let us down. We have finally found the only exception to the rule of heathens, and we can sustain that person's need for companionship. I need all of your support to make it happen."
"What you ask is not something to be taken lightly Lumina. Do you even hear what you are asking all of us to do? Do you really understand the never-ending consequences of what it really means to purge somebody?" Talor lent her mental voice to us as well from the comfort of Hurma's ship, giving me another barrier to bypass.
"Of course I understand the price for a purge. I was there for that lesson, and we recently refreshed ourselves on it not too long ago. I know what I would be giving up, what I would be asking my sisters to give up. Still, I implore you to understand why this cause is worth it."
Junko inhaled with her eyes half shut, hating the very idea of standing in opposition to my heart. "I don't want to doubt you Lumina, but what if you're wrong?" Before I could even answer her in assurance I wasn't wrong, Junko elaborated where she wanted to go. "This is a purge we're talking about Lumina! You don't make a choice to do something like that out of mere desperation, for someone who isn't important to us. You hear me? We only get one! Once we use up our purge, that's it. We'll never regain that ability ever again, no matter how many times we die and come back from the Astral. When it's all over, only you would be the one to speak to the purged target, while the rest of us suffer in the same tribute, gaining nothing ourselves in return."
I did my best to hold the tears back, hard as it was to prove my sister wrong. What hurt most was how she so quickly assumed Reed was unimportant to me, and then Sherika piled on. "Lumina? I recall a promise you made to all of us in the past, a promise that you would never try to enforce any of us to utilize or support any decision to purge any human being."
"Without good reason," I finished what I too could remember.
"And what good reason could there be to purge an enemy of The Unity? I don't know where you left your brain Lumina, but you better find it soon!" Still as hostile as ever, Hurma made it very clear what her answer on support would be no matter how much time was to pass.
Still, I needed to remind her that Reed is not a heathen. "Reed isn't an enemy of The Unity, and he's more important to me than all of you might presume."
From what I could only imagine to be from Hurma's never-ending hatred for all heathens, she finally snapped as she turned to me, raising her voice of malice beyond what any of us had ever seen her do before. "This is exactly what we're talking about! Nobody here has even addressed the strict protocol we have against purging male humans. Even if you had our approval, which you won't have, it would be completely forbidden to purge this subject, since he is a heathen."
"He isn't a heathen—"
"All men of any society are heathens!" Hurma was practically screaming at me, her arms and legs clenched with the tight vice of rage and memory. "You're being played for a fool, by somebody who currently has no awareness of our peaceful covenant. I thought I knew you better than this Lumina! You of all people would never let yourself be fooled by an enemy who has yet to mature into their role."
"We can all stop him from becoming a heathen Hurma! What's wrong with you right now?"
Hurma turned around with her arms crossed, huffing before her response while our argument silenced everyone in the main room. "That should be my question to you. There isn't a single Altiri soul in this world who would ever make the mistake in judgment you are making now, not even for a moment. No purge is ever going to change what heathens really are, nor will one prevent such a development. It doesn't matter how much self-control you think this enemy has. Men are a lot harder to control than you think."
"I never said I wanted to control Reed. I trust he can remain a good person on his own, if only someone will show him the way."
"Stop using his name!" Still enraged, Hurma turned towards me again, her eyes fierce enough to petrify anyone else. "If you don't cease your stupidity, I'll make you understand. I'll remind you of our collective training, about what Legasso forced all of us to feel!" Hurma balled up her right fist, certain as she was to instigate a physical brawl between the two of us.
"Enough!" Shouting between the both of us, Sherika jumped between myself and Hurma, ensuring no fight breaks out. "I will not allow you two to go this far just to fight. Hurma? Even if Lumina is currently misguided, she is still your sister. Please do not raise threat to her, just to make a point. It's vulgar."
"Like I care." Hurma's attitude remained, though she did back down with Sherika blocking her path to me. "As for the two of us being sisters, we may have to reconsider that."
Everyone in the room gently gasped at her bold statement, while I could only stand and quiver... I knew Hurma was mad, but I didn't think she meant what she just said... She didn't mean it, right?
"Forget this sham of a meeting," Hurma phrased as she walked towards the teleportation room. "Lumina? If you want to go out of your way trying to waste a purge on a single heathen and be reprimanded for it, be my guest. I don't care anymore, because I'm not going to have any part of it, nor is Talor." She didn't use Talor's name lightly; Hurma and Talor have been best friends for such a long time, and now, both the two may very well attempt to leave the Cy-Stars in light of this insanity.
Chapter Theme Shift: Rain No Water ~ RA
Though I had expected yet to hear from the others off this ship, everybody seemed too silent for too long, leaving me to drown in an unfamiliar despair. At last, I could cry, but I didn't wipe my tears. After waiting for Hurma to depart from my ship early, I did what I could to see if anyone else was on my side. "Everyone...? Are all of you going to abandon this move too?"
Crossing her arms, Junko inserted a clause before any could answer the loaded question. "Before putting such a choice to an immediate vote, I think there is still far too much for all of us to consider, including you, sister." "Even after what Hurma said, she still isn't changing her mind."
Though Junko meant not for her last thought to project, I wanted to address her anyway. "I don't want to feel this way about Hurma. Junko? I need you to look into my eyes, and into my mind, so that you may understand why this is such a big deal."
Junko actually did stand there looking at me for a moment, and then she tried to think back to the other few times similar things have happened. "I'm sorry Lumina, but even then does the reason elude me. There was a time not long ago, just like this, when you centered much of your time and attention to a female human, noticing many similar patterns."
"But this time there is difference in the targets."
"How so?"
I knew exactly who she was referring to, the memory too fresh to forget. "The girl from before, despite wanting the same thing, despite wanting love or everlasting friendship from the people around her, she was too willing to compromise herself for their selfishness, and she too turned vile after many years passed her. Even if she had remained the same person, the fact that she didn't try to fight for herself for long was one of the reasons I knew it was for the best not to purge her, and to move on. But Reed is different. He's down there alone, and to the moment is still fighting the stages of peer pressure in his own silent rebellion. He's willing to be himself so long as at least one person can accept him for who he is. He has a resistance to the negative influences around him. Of course it doesn't make him immune to change; no person is, and he has nobody in his life to encourage him anymore, especially since his parents are behaving about him differently, after their divorce."
"That may be all true, but I still don't understand why it falls under the highest possible priority to you." As Junko mentioned it, Fionne, Sherika, and Derria were all staring at me with matched curiosity and concern.
I couldn't help from hesitating in my answer, since it was impossible to place into words. It happens occasionally, even on Earth, that one person observing another understands circumstances about them that they don't even recognize themselves, and it is followed with a desire to help. There's always initial barriers of resistance, like the embarrassment or fear of getting involved in that other person's life. So often do people fall into place, but fail to reach out and help someone else who needs it, from shyness alone. I'm more than willing to get involved, and so I'm in a perfect position to help him, since all Reed wants most is a friend...
But that's not the whole picture of how I feel. There's so much more to it, much of it perplexing even to myself. I know that some of what I want for Reed is also what I want for myself. My reasons for wanting to purge him are not exclusive to wishing I could help him; I also hope that Reed can speak to me without a hint of deception or distrust in his voice, to reflect his entire mental essence and all he feels in front of a friend. I want to be that person he can trust, that someone who can be there for him. I want to be involved in his life, and for him to be involved in mine.
Even as a human, even as a thirteen year old, I'm certain he is capable of understanding us, no matter what world we come from. Even as an alien, his heart is so open, so easy to read. Even as a single insignificant person to the entirety of the cosmos, he will be important to someone, someday, and he's already important to me, because I want him to be happy. I want him to break free from everything binding him down on that horrible, doomed planet, even if it has to cost so much from me... I want Reed; that's enough reason for me to keep an unchanged mind.
"That's difficult to put into words." I couldn't lie to myself or the others, despite needing to convince every last sister to help in what I must do. I couldn't look anyone in the eye for a second, ashamed at my own unresolved confusion about why Reed is so important to me; I simply do not know.
"Please try." Fionne sounded desperate to understand me, and she gave me this look I've never seen from her before... All of them are looking at me this way now, as if they could sense my desperation from within.
How could I explain my own emotions to them? I don't fully understand how I feel myself. Even so, this doesn't invalidate what I truly want. What I feel doesn't always make sense or provide an answer as to 'why,' and maybe it isn't supposed to make perfect sense.
When did it begin exactly? When did I find myself becoming this attached to Reed's life situation? It all goes far beyond a life situation now. I was intrigued from the moment I laid eyes on him so young, certain that his passive observation of the world around him was excessive compared to the normal folk nearby. Reed is a dreamer, a person who has so much hope and faith in other people, even strangers he does not know. With his naivety exposed to him already, his hope and faith waivers. Reed is the co-dependent friend without the other half to function, his attention and focus sharpened at the mere idea of talking with somebody else hoping for a deeper connection to permanently form. As the fuel in his heart dries away, his gradual despair deepens ever further. I have seen it already, and seen much more of it this year, a despair he shows not to his own family.
Thinking about it so much now allowed me to realize something extraordinary, that we Altiri are not too different from his core behavior, after accounting for the difference in maturity. Who am I to really say that I can do everything on my own? I would have been lost forever had it not been for Sierra and my sisters pulling me from my plunge. Even Hurma, in all she feels now still relies on and trusts Talor so much. Every single person in our world has at least one friend, and it appears that such a latent requirement to functionality holds true in the human world as well. Despite this, not all humans realize the importance of this deeper connection; often do they warp its very meaning if they ever think about it at all, focused more on money, power, unassociated popularity, approval, or any of the other fallacies humans lie to themselves about.
Reed needs someone in his life, and he's looking around in a world of these lies, hoping for what he needs when the chances of that already appear to be so low... So maybe that's when it started; when I realized how much of myself I could see in him, not by personality or traits, but rather the desire to be connected with someone, to be friendly with someone, to be loved by someone, no matter the framework or capacity.
It doesn't matter why I care about Reed. All that matters now is that I do. However, with Hurma and Talor out of position to assist me, I now need everyone else at least, to form the minimum personnel requirements to deliver a purge to an alien, to someone I want to be friends with. All I can do is try, as Junko requests. "Without knowing why, I've easily come to understand Reed, beyond his personality, and beyond how he feels. It's hard to explain, but..." I did the best I could, trying not to fumble my words, but what I felt in all of this had no easy explanation, and an eerie silence ensued for longer than I wanted it to.
"You're connected to him."
"Huh?" Derria's words were cryptic to all of us, though she seemed super-focused on me, inching closer to confirm what she meant.
"I can see it written all over you, but it isn't something just anyone can understand... You've somehow managed to get inside his mind, more than mere observations should allow."
Unsurprisingly, Lulu was quick to wonder what Derria was going on about, since her physical definition was impossible. "You can't really mean that Derria. Our clairvoyant powers don't allow us to read the minds of others, nor do they capture enough thought dynamics to experience the emotions of a remote target. Lumina? You must be mistaken."
"No, no. Even I disagree with Derria on the assumption. I mean, I know how Reed thinks and feels, but not physically, and not as result of some weird power."
"I wasn't trying to be literal," Derria corrected. "The power of observation is sometimes enough to achieve the same result, if we are so certain the result is not merely a projection of what we want to be true." Derria kept looking at me like something new to study, eliciting curiosity from everyone else. "Perhaps Lumina, in this case, does not need anything beyond her ordinary powers and focus to determine the type of person her target is. Enough of a kind of, hyper focus on a different individual may be telling of who they are, heart, mind, and soul. There have been examples of this in Lumina as well, rarely."
"Only this time, we have the power to do something about it. We have the power to change a person's entire fate, giving him the chance to choose better."
"Pray tell, how exactly does a purge on Reed give him the power to choose better for anything of his life?"
"What he needs most right now is friendship. I will use the connection made through the purge to offer my time to him, for this purpose."
"I must admit," Derria cautioned, "even though your intentions remain clear, it doesn't change that fact that this is a most unusual situation to be in. Also, Lumina, I'm still of the mind that your entire position on the matter is too strange for comfort. The risk and the cost that you alone would have to pay doesn't come anywhere close to balancing against the benefit you stand to gain. In addition to such risk and cost, the same extends to all of us, to any Altiri willing to help you achieve your purge through the amplification process. Just because I finally understand how you feel, doesn't mean I agree with you."
"Derria please! I'll owe you everything. I'll do whatever you want!"
"I've heard enough." With visible disappointment in me, Fionne nodded her head, and made preparations to leave the ship. "I used to know you as the most reasonable, level-headed leader that all of us could look up to. But now, it's like I don't even know you anymore... You're not going to get a vote out of me, and I doubt you would get any votes from anyone else right now. Your raw desperation to merge your senses with this alien individual is pathetic Lumina, and all of this is besides the fact that this kind of purge would automatically be declined by the queen."
"I know that already. We would have to take yet another stacked risk just to get the purge through."
"Whoa! Hold on now." Sherika now voted against me as well, for reasons of her own. "You want to intentionally defy the queen, breaking the number one law that they don't just slap you on the wrist for? No, your choice would also drag all of us into the same kind of punishment as well. It's obvious that no scryer or authority's power would ever allow anyone to purge a human without permission, especially one that is a male."
"But I told you all already that Reed isn't a heathen!"
"Will the queen and the others really see it that way?"
"Listen to Junko on this Lumina. Even I can see why this is such a horrible idea. Even if what you want is real and pure, Reed isn't a female human, and so you are never going to get your wish. Purging him without permission would literally brand you as a number one threat against The Unity, by treason if nothing else. For your sake at least, I won't just stand here and talk you into that."
"Sherika!" Nothing I did or said was working. Virtually every single member of the Cy-Stars was either abstaining from helping me, or voting against the idea altogether, even my very own co-pilot!
"I'm sorry Lumina, but this is a choice that none of us can support. You need at least seven of us to take part in the purge without killing yourself in the process. Since you already have no support on this, and for our own collective interests, even I must vote to pull you out of this dangerous way of thinking."
Their words sunk in deep with the ensuing silence, and I could no longer look a single one of them in the face. Not a single person here today is willing to help me. I know full well just how costly a purge is to anybody, but if I can't get through to Reed, what the hell have we even been doing all this time?
What is there to do on this ship but sit here and rot? Thousands of years pass and this world barely ever changes, resisting ascension in every possible manner. Our species is in decline even with the transperation experimentation looking more promising, and we have nowhere to branch out to. If we can't even communicate with these other aliens, what was ever the purpose of our observation with them? How many more humans need to suffer before a single one of them can be allowed salvation from willful self-destruction? What is even the purpose of a purge if no aggressor group can be trusted to invoke them responsibly?
"Lumina? You good?"
"Just go. I want to be alone for a while." Despite how cold I was being towards Sherika, Junko, and Derria, more of my thoughts were still allocated to every manner of simulation and daydream about how it might go between myself and Reed. I wonder if he would theoretically accept me there as a friend, despite our differences in origin, and despite the difficulty which would present itself from my presence lying unprovable to other humans. Even so, it was almost all I could think about.
Still, the betrayal from my sisters removed what air I could breathe. I don't really want to do anything anymore, but to huddle up in a corner and let the endless currents of time chip away what remains my shattered soul. Though they were hesitant, the others fulfilled my less important wish of leaving me to my ruin, heading for the teleporters to leave my ship, as Junko held my shoulder briefly before returning to the cockpit for routine coordinate adjustment.
Every cell in my body screamed as much as it could, demanding that this could not really be happening, but reality is often cruel and unfair. I've been hit with waves of new emotions today that I've never felt before, and now, all I can do is nothing. I gave into this new entropic doom, realizing how small and suffocating this world was despite how vast many claim the universe to be.
What kind of leader am I, when any choice I make is brought down and destroyed? What kind of person am I, when all I feel matters to nobody outside myself? I have to wonder if Reed ever feels the same way, questioning who he is when nobody cares about him, no matter how brightly he tries to shine.
No such thoughts would be of any use to me now. I did my best to tune everything out, until I could care no more, silent in my uncomfortable corner, where everything I am could dissolve into the all.
