Writing prompt from HURGMCGURG: A story where someone attempts to make soup, but ultimately fails somehow.

Joe finally got to live alone, without having those maids pestering him. For dinner, he decided to make chicken noodle soup. Sounds simple. What can go wrong? Let's ignore the fact that he has never stepped foot in the kitchen before or had to do anything himself. He reads cooking novels. That surely is enough for experience right?

Bonus minigame: List all the things that Joe does incorrectly. (Warning: the list may be rather long)