I shut the door. “I’m home!”

Today was the day. It was time. I wasn’t going to wait any longer.

“Welcome home, sweetie!” My mom called out.

I didn’t say anything back, instead I made my way directly to the living room. Dad was sitting on the couch. Mom was bringing out a bowl of apple slices for herself from the kitchen.

“Oh, hey there, so, how’d you-?” Before Dad could finish, I answered his question.

I lifted my report card. It was already out of its sheet, both of them could see what was written on there with their own eyes.

Mom had barely just sat down when she’d excitedly stood up. “Oh, your grades! Let me see!”

Dad followed behind as well. I let them have it, and they both seemed to scan through it.

It was a good report card, exams went well for me. I’d made sure to study extra hard for this one.

English B+, Mathematics A, French B, Social Studies B+...

It was a line of Bs and B+’s through the whole card, with the one exception being Science at C+. But that was still decent for my usual interest in the subject, and the A I got in Math should make up for things if we’re being fair. That’s incredibly impressive all on its own.

“Congratulations!” My mom declared.

“Yeah, this deserves a round of applause.” My dad affirmed. “Graduating middle school with the finest grades. I’m pretty proud of you.”

I didn't smile. I already knew his pride for me had been shaky this past semester.

“What do you say we celebrate? Cook up one of your favorites, maybe go out to eat-”

“Estrogen.” I interrupted. “You know what I want. I want to start hrt.”

“...” Dad paused. “Now look, we’ve been over this, you already have those blockers to help you decide-”

“I’ve already decided.” I refuted, my voice firm. “You said they'd give me time to decide if this was right for me, and I decided. Six months ago, in fact.”

Convincing Dad to approve of something like that had already taken effort, but I knew this was the big one. In all fairness, the blockers had already done wonders for my anxiety. Just knowing I wasn’t going to have to go through any of what my male classmates were having right now… It was a relief like you couldn’t believe.

But I wanted more. I wasn’t going to sit back as I watched my peers become teenagers. I was going to join them. As a girl.

“I’m going to come out, too.” I continued. “Or at least… I want to start presenting as a girl in public. I’m not going to go through high school as a boy.”

…After a pause, my dad held a hand to his head. He sat down on the couch with an exhausted look on his face. “...Are you sure you actually want this?”

“Yes!” I shouted. “How many times do I have to tell you?!”

My mom raised her hands, trying to mediate. “Now, now, no need to raise our voices.”

“I’ve only gotten more sure. Every day I think about the kind of future I want. I'm forced to look at the people around me, and I just can’t imagine living as any type of man!” I continued, gripping a hand on my chest. “I just… When I think about the possibilities, what I *could* have if given the option, there’s this craving, this need…!”

Mom put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“I know that it’s right for me, it’s just so hard to explain it…” I trailed off.

“...”

“...I want to be a girl, Dad.” I muttered out.

“...And are you really thinking about what that means?” He suddenly asked. “For you?”

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” I answered.

“Because this isn’t just some easy decision to make. It’s your *life!*” He hit back. 

“Then it’s my choice, isn’t it?”

He stood up and waved his hands over his head, “Everything will change! You’re going to flip everything on its head and there’s no going back from that!”

“...!” It took a bit to find my words. Just that voice, his piercing gaze on me. “Yes, that’s what I want!” I shouted. “You’re the one who wants me to get out more! Changing things is exactly the answer! I might actually feel better about myself if I didn’t have to be a guy!”

“That’s a pipe dream! This isn’t as simple as ‘being a girl,’ you’re gonna be…!” He stopped himself.

“...What?” I asked. “What is it? Finish what you were going to say. A freak? Is that what you think of people like me?”

Dad held a hand to his forehead again, trying to regain his composure, “I just don’t think this will actually help anything. You’re not going to ‘just be a girl,’ do you really think that’s how other people will see you?”

I felt goosebumps. 

“You can grow out your hair,” He gestured to it. “You can take your pills or whatever else, try to fit in, but you’ll never be… normal.” It felt like he struggled to get that last word out. “You’ll always be the *trans* girl, you're gonna be a girl with an asterisk at best. They won’t be treating you like you’re one of them. If anything, it only makes you a bigger target…”

I grimaced, “...You can’t say that.”

He gestured to himself, looking back at me almost condescendingly. “You think I don’t know how cruel kids can be? There are already people out there that hate you just for existing, you think teenagers are gonna be any better?”

“...It’s still my choice to make, though. If it means getting to be the person I want to be, I feel like I’d do anything…” I meant it, I really did. 

“I’m just trying to think of your future.” He continued. “You had your issues but at least you could, you know, try to fit in. That doesn’t happen to trans people.”

“But it can!” I tried to refute. “I’m telling you, I think it might actually be a bit easier for me! It’d be hard, but if I manage to start passing early with the estrogen’s help, no one might even need to know!”

“You really think it’s that simple?” He looked right back at me.

“...” I can’t find it in me to respond.

“You keep filling your head with these ideas, that things will just turn out fine. Trans people are oppressed! You’re just gonna try hiding your entire life and hope no one ever finds out?!”

“I…!” I tried to get the words out, “I might-!”

“Have you even tried coming out to other people?!” He called, “What does that friend of yours think about these little ideas you have? That you’re gonna 'give being a girl a shot?'”

“...I-I still haven’t told him…” I admitted.

A part of me considered it sometimes, but I just couldn’t. There was just this vague ever-present feeling that him knowing would somehow corrupt everything. That all of what we had would come crumbling down.

“...Exactly, that’s what I thought.” Dad responded.

Mom, having been silent for so long, finally sighed, “Look, Eric, we-”

“I repeat, do you actually want to go through with this? Not at least wait until college or something?” He suddenly asked.

“...” I looked down. I hated his eyes so much, just please…

“You say things will work out fine, that you’ll just try to be a normal girl. But seriously, do you really think that someone like you could ever be seen as normal if you did something like this?! I’m trying to think of your future!”

“Eric!” Mom calls out. "This-"

“Or do you only think that because of how you see me?!” I finally let out. Finding my strength, I looked directly back at him with tears in my eyes. “You’re not worried, you just think everyone’s gonna see me as a freak because that’s what you really think of me, isn’t it?!”

“No, I didn’t-!”

“It’s always been like this!” I continued. “You keep wanting me to be someone I’m not, as if I have any fucking choice in the matter!”

“Son, I-”

“I’M NOT YOUR SON!” I yelled. “It’s always been ‘study’ this, ‘get good future grades’ that. ‘Get into a good college,’ ‘find a job so I can raise and take care of a family of my own.’ You don’t care about what I want! Just what you expect from your kid who you don't even know!”

“What I want from you is to live a good life! I want you to be successful! It's about what's best for you! How many times do I have to repeat that this is about your-?!”

“My future?! I’ve never even been able to think of one!” I yelled back, almost shaking. “Whenever you talk about it, I literally can’t imagine it! When I try, I…!”

Mom reached out to me, laying her comforting hand on my arm, while Dad stayed silent.

“...I just know it’s right for me, just please…!”

Mom looked back at Dad. “...Eric, I really think we should consider this more. I agree, you’ve been very hard on him- her.”

“So now you’re taking his side?”

“It’s a mother’s job to love and understand her child.” She responded effortlessly. “Why can’t you do the same?”

I looked back at her, half expecting more tears to start flowing. That meant a lot to hear, after everything.

I wasn’t sure what Dad was going to say, he seemed at a bit of a loss for words. Eventually, he sat back down on the couch and sighed. “...Let’s continue this tomorrow. I’m too tired to deal with this.”

“Oh no,” My mother let go of me, walking over to the couch. “You can’t run away from this. She’s been very insistent on what she wants, and you’ve been wanting to avoid it for months. We need to finish talking about this. Now.”

Dad glanced back at me. For once, his gaze didn't instill that dread in me. “...Go to your room, I think your mother and I have to talk.”

Mom paused, but did the same, turning her head to look at me and nod. 

I did as they asked. I somewhat understood Dad’s exhaustion, the yelling had tired me out too. Besides, I had a feeling I didn’t want to listen to whatever was coming.

I closed my door, then sat on my bed. I didn’t know what I was going to do, so I just grabbed my 3ds and started mindlessly fighting against the cpu in Smash. It was an old game, by this point. Adrian already got a Switch at his place ages ago and it didn’t take long for him to purchase the newest entry the moment he was able. It was fun, but it still felt a tiny bit nostalgic to go back to the older entry, with the fewer characters and the slight differences in how everything functioned.

For some reason, I expected to hear shouting at one point, from outside the room, but it never happened. Even so, the wait felt like forever. Wondering what they were talking about. Especially knowing… that it was me. I was the obvious topic of conversation, my wants and desires loud and clear. They were talking about what to do with me.

Finally, a knock sounded on my door, with Mom’s head peeking through. “Hey, we need to talk.”

I shut off and closed my 3ds, still in the middle of a match, and looked at her as she sat down on my bed next to me.

“Your father and I… are getting a divorce.”

…What?

“We had a long talk, and we just figured it wouldn’t work out anymore.”

I felt my lips quiver, I didn’t understand. That was the takeaway from what they talked about? How did they land on that conclusion of all things? Was it… because of me? I muttered out, “So I…?”

“You’ll be staying with me.” She continued. “And we’ll look into the hormones, like you’ve asked.”

I might finally be getting what I wanted. But that wasn’t what my mind was stuck on, somehow. 

Mom closed her eyes, “To be honest, things were already getting a bit rough between us before all of this happened. We’re just not the same dumb kids anymore.”

But I still…

I think Mom had noticed the tears that were coming even before I did, because she wrapped me in a hug, the gentle sound of her own crying audible. “It’s going to be a-alright. Things will just be changing. We’ll both be looking for an apartment, a-and your father’s going to help. He’ll send some money too, so we shouldn’t have any problems paying for you…”

Her words cut off there, but a part of me wasn’t even listening.

I’d destroyed my family.

Dad was right. Everything had changed, and there was no going back.

 

---

 

“You’re doing what?” Irene asked from my phone’s speaker.

“I’m going to that convention.” I repeated. “‘Fancon,’ or something.”

“...Well, I guess I’m just surprised.” My friend paused. “This got anything to do with Adrian?”

I flushed, thankful that I only had Irene on speaker and didn’t have my camera on. “What? No! It’s for a different thing!”

“Uh-huh.” I could hear the dripping sarcasm.

Well, it was true. The Lucina outfit had just come in a while back and everything, I’d put the call on video and show her if I still wasn’t a bit embarrassed about it. I’d only been sitting in my room and getting a good look at the wig when Irene called, asking if I was free to hang out tomorrow on Sunday.

“Look, I swear, I just can’t tell you for actual reasons.” I tried to explain. “Like… it’s a favor for someone involved in queer club stuff. I genuinely can’t tell you.”

“Yeah, fair’s fair.” She responded. “We’ll hang out without you, stuff happens.”

“Thanks. I wish I could go, but it’s just a commitment.” I told her. “I guess if I have anything funny to share, I’ll tell you guys, but it’d be hard to explain *why* I’m going…”

“Yeah, I get it. Though not like you gotta mention it’s a queer thing. I'll just tell them you're doing a favor for some old friend of yours.”

“...”

“You there?”

“Sorry, it’s just,” I sighed. “Fucking…! You made me think about him again!”

A chuckle was heard through the speaker. “Woah, must be serious if you’re swearing about it.”

“Ha ha.” I answered sarcastically. “Look, you know what my deal is there. It’s just…!” I let out a loud grunt, frustrated at trying to explain my feelings.

“Penny, there’s no shame in liking someone.”

I huffed. It had been over a week since it fully hit me that I might actually have any more-than-platonic feelings for Adrian. Trying to process that fact still led to a back and forth in my head, but it felt impossible to deny. At some point during the last few weeks, I'd developed a thing for him, though I'm still not sure where it even came from. It just happened. Of course, the fact I had these thoughts and feelings only added more complications to everything. Handling my identity and all the other stuff around Adrian was enough, I didn't need a potential crush to make things more difficult. In the end, these were things I desperately had to quiet down and ignore. But that was easier said than done...

“You know that it’s not just that.” I told her, “This isn’t like when I was telling you guys I thought Bryce was cute or whatever, Adrian is…”

“Your childhood friend who has no idea that you transitioned and thinks that you’re now a completely different person. I know.”

“Right…” I rubbed my arm nervously.

“I hate to be that gal, but why is it you can’t just tell him already? Feels like it’s overdue by this point. Scared he’s a bigot?”

“What? No! He’d never be like that!” I paused. Well, I didn’t actually know his stance on trans people. For all I know he *could* be a transphobe, but it just… doesn’t seem like him. “But I guess you never know…”

“I hear even allies can get super picky about dating and stuff.” Irene commented.

“Yeah-” I nodded, before freezing. “Wait, I didn’t mean it like that! I’m not going to date him!”

“Why not? You like him, don’t you? Felt like you said as much at lunch a while back.”

“I…” I held my hands against my head. “I don’t know. I mean, sure, I guess you can call it that, but…”

“But what?”

“...It’s just never going to happen.” I said. I looked at the wall, at the corner of a cabinet where I still kept some of my old 3ds cartridges. “I mean, he has to realize it eventually, right? He’ll… still remember the old me. He’ll still remember him. If he knows, that’s just who he’ll see. That’s who we’ll be again.”

“...” She let me continue.

“...Plus, I abandoned him, Irene. I moved away and stopped returning his messages after a while without so much as a word. I left him to be alone and he doesn’t even know why or what happened to me. I already feel horrible and hate myself for that. But if he finds out, what will *he* think about that? About me?"

“...”

“Not to mention all the recent stuff.” I continued. “The fact I haven’t bothered saying anything, the way I’ve just been hanging out with him again and pretending I didn’t even know him. Who knows what’ll run through his mind, if he realizes that his friend secretly turned into a girl and started getting close to him again without him even knowing.”

I sighed, “God, imagine if he's actually started crushing on me too, that’d feel even weirder from his perspective. 'Best friend turns into a girl and starts seducing you,' could you imagine how that story sounds?"

“But most importantly…” I turned away, shifting my gaze towards the floor. “I just can’t bear the thought of being him again. Even if it’s just to one person. At least you only ever knew me after I transitioned, but Adrian…” To him, that’s who I’ll be. Even if he’s gotten close to Penny, the past can’t be ignored…

“...Sounds like you still have your issues.”

…I didn't confirm or deny her observation. “It’s just not meant to be.”

“...That’s rough.”

I crack a small smile, “But isn’t what we have now enough anyway?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like…” I glanced over at my Switch console. “We’re somehow friends again. And he got me to add him on my gaming system a while back.” I giggled fondly, “He might drag me to play some dumb video game again soon, like in the old times. We’re… somehow back to where we started.”

“...”

“...Except I’m a girl now." I leaned back on my bed and looked up at the ceiling. "Just some girl. I can slip back into how we used to do things, like nothing ever even happened. It’s like a redo.”

“...Hey Penny-”

“Do you think…” I interrupted her. “That maybe I could even… let things go further? Further than things went last time? If these feelings are real…” I anxiously played with my locks. “Could I just be his girlfriend? No asterisks. No buts. Just his girlfriend. Nothing from my past would ever have to get involved. He never has to know…” 

I let the silence linger, imagining what that future could look like. Even when I tried to deny these feelings, there was just something there. A part of me really did want us to grow closer like that… I wanted to talk to him more, whether it be joking about something silly, or working on some class assignment, or talking about our feelings… The thought of continuing all of that, just as a couple. Where he's my boyfriend.

“...You said he’d realize eventually, though.”

“I mean, yeah, eventually.” I smiled wistfully. “But until then… It… It could be like a dream. The two of us, together. I just…” My face fell to a frown, “I’d have to let go, before that happens. The dream can’t last forever.”

“...”

“Like I did with Bryce.” I continued, sitting back up and shrugging to myself. “We could fool around for a few months, have our fun, and then… I just leave before he can find out. I can just be Penny. That girl he knew back in high school. The one he dated for a while. No need to know anything else.”

“...” I eventually heard Irene sigh through the speaker. “I don’t know. That sounds like it’d be playing with the poor guy’s heart.”

I frowned, "I guess. But… it’s not a lie if I really do like him. It’s not like I’d be using him…”

“...I just don’t know, Penny. That sounds like a dangerous game, either way. You’re going to get your heart broken if you do things like that.”

My frown deepened. “I know. There’s no chance something like that will work out anyway.” Yet slowly, I started feeling a bit melancholic. “...But still, it’s nice to dream, isn't it?”

“...Yeah, I guess so.” Irene responded. “I’ll talk to you later Penny, hope your thing at the con goes well. I’ll tell the girls you said hello.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

We ended the call, and that was that.

I flopped myself back down onto my bed, my mind still lingering on that conversation.

Yeah, that was stupid of me. I shouldn’t get caught up in that idea, it’s just a stupid tiny little crush because of how much we’ve been spending time together lately. I just need to let go. Move on from these feelings so I can forget about it all. Let go, and move on. 

Because I knew what would happen if he found out. Everything would change, and there would be no going back. 

...Just a dream…