{Azrael}
As I wake up and find myself being suffocated by Remiel's disproportionately large breasts, I am met with a problem.
Don't get me wrong, they're soft enough that I'm tempted to just stay here and bask in their glory for the rest of the day, that's not the problem.
The problem is how I'm going to convince her to not cling to me all day when I'm trying to do my work for the guild without destroying her already broken self-esteem.
I can already imagine her breaking down in tears while apologizing for an hour straight while I have to try and get her to understand that she's not a problem, and I've known her for less than two days. Let's just say that I'm very familiar with how people like her think.
...I could just bring her along with me, right? I feel like someone called the 'Lord of Balance' would have to be pretty strong. That is, of course, assuming she is the one the slab was referring to. Even if she wasn't, I'm pretty sure I'm strong enough to protect her.
*gasp* I'll just slip a pillow into her arms real quick. Unfortunately, even I must have oxygen.
Anyways, while I'm waiting for sleeping beauty over here to wake up, I should go over all the stuff I looted from that crypt.
Lesse... here's the sword I used in the ritual- I was NOT going to leave this in there. It's a longsword- and when I say long, I mean it- with a white blade and black hilt. Yes, WHITE. Not metallic white, but bone white. The hilt has '携挙' engraved on it- not that I have any idea what '携挙' is.1携挙 is the Japanese word for the rapture.
I've also got the slab- thank God there's only a cute girl haunting me and not some old fart trying to get this back.2RETURN THE SLAB
And then there's a wooden chalice.
Why did I take this? There were plenty of gold and silver ones all around the room, heck, there was even one that seemed to be carved out of a single giant crystal- thank god Travis didn't find that one- but all of them seemed... too easy. Obviously a trap. This one though... while at a glance it looks like it has seen its fair share of batterings, a skilled appraiser would quickly see that it was made to look like this; in other words, it's in pristine condition, despite being in a crypt that's likely been abandoned for as long as Remiel's been in that void. Whether that's due to the material or some sort of enchantment, I have no clue, but I can tell that it was important, even if only in a ritualistic sense.3 Yeah, Azrael may or may not have found the holy grail.
Things like this chalice are one of the main reasons I enjoy being an adventurer. There's just so much stuff that you would never even think to look at outside of these long abandoned crypts and dungeons!
...though the money is also VERY tempting, I won't deny it.
Of course that's not all there is to being an adventurer. Well, as long as you're in the guild. If you're just out going unofficially, then that's pretty much it.
But if you are, then you also inevitably end up dealing with the occasional goblin-adjacent creature. Why? Because the innocents need protecting dammit! And the non-innocents need to get the hell out of dodge before I rip their spines out their assholes! Just because I wear shorts and am a girl does NOT give you the right to touch my thighs!
*mumble* "...and somehow it's my fault when I break their wrist..."
For most people, they loot dungeons and crypts and ruins because they want armor, weapons, or money. But me? I want to make a museum! I want everyone to know about all of the weird and potentially useless tchotchkes that our predecessors made and subsequently left behind!
...But for now, I just need to find out what all Remi will need. I wonder if she'll let me call her Remi.
I'm pretty sure that the sword belongs to her, so I'll need to get her a sheathe. Obviously she'll need some more clothes, since mine sure as hell won't be able to contain her personal marshmallow hell. Maybe a hat if she doesn't want people seeing the halo.
I guess I can go get all that while she's asleep. But first...
To: Remi
From: Azzy
Before you start freaking out again, I'm not going to be gone for long. I just went to get you some clothes and stuff, and I thought you were too cute to wake up.
Good. After dealing with Allie for fifteen years, I've learned that complimenting a timid person is the easiest way to calm them down.4Disclaimer: Azrael has not learned the proper methods of calming someone down. This will more likely than not fail to work. The things I did to get her to stop crying...
...I suppose I'll have to go see her for some of that stuff.
*shuffle* "...hnngg..."
I wonder what she's dreaming about. Something good, I hope.
{Azrael}
“For FUCK’S sake, how many times must I repeat myself! I AM NOT A WITCH! I do not make potions! When will you get it into your minuscule brain that I’m not going to brew anything for you!?”
Sounds like Allie’s got another twatwaffle to deal with. I do not envy her in the slightest.
It’s mostly her fault though. Despite being an artificer who also just so happens to use some magic, she stubbornly insists on calling herself an ‘Urban Magician’. Whatever the heck that is. This town is suburban at best.
I did work up enough courage to ask her what it is at one point. She just stared at me like I had asked her if water was wet- I would recognize it, since I’ve asked her that before- and then she said “I’m not an Urban Magician, I’m THE Urban Magician.” Apparently that was supposed to clear up my confusion.
…I do remember her dad being just as weird, so maybe she inherited it from him.
Speaking of remembering, Allie used to be so cute before she inherited the shop a year ago. Now she tends to act like she’s almost entirely emotionless, and when she isn't acting like that she sounds like she hates everything. But I know that she’s still the same socially awkward goof underneath. Like how she still messes with her weird marionette collection. That one’s an inherited family heirloom thing apparently, but she’s the first one in God knows how long that actually likes the freaky things.
…I think she’s done emotionally assaulting the fool now, so I can finally go in without becoming collateral damage. I made that mistake once, and I won’t make it again.
{Alyssa}
I am THIS close to outright banning everyone who comes in looking for potions. WHY ME!? There are so many fucking potion shops in this damn town, WHY DO THEY COME HERE!? I don't even advertise myself as a witch! That was grandma's schtick, not mine!
...I just need some sleep...
*bang* "Heya Allie!"
Oh God, not now! I don't want the one person I actually l- no, nothinkingaboutitstopthisnow- I don't need her to see me like this!
Hair fixed, check!
Deadpan, double check!
Okay, I'm ready!
"What is it, Azrael?"
"First off, why did you stop calling me Azzy?"
Oh trust me, I want to so badly! But not right now! I've gotta keep up my image!
"Because I'm at work."
"Oh, okay. Now for the actual reason I'm here. I need some equipment for a new friend! I'll have to introduce you to her soo- Allie?"
*crack* "It's nothing."
calmdowncalmdowncalmdown-
"Okay then, back to what I was saying! I think you two would get along great! She's even more of an awkward mess than you used to be!"
*blush* "...p-please don't mention that."
"See!? That's what I'm talking about! That’s so cute!"
‘cute’
"Hey uhh... Allie? You good?"
'cute'
*waving hand in front of her face* "Guess not. Welp, you're coming with me then. Hup!"
'cute'
{Azrael}
Why are all of my friends so weird?
Anyways, I guess I should close the shop. I don’t think she'll be coming to any time soon, and I was going to ask her to come over anyways.
"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMIN- Oh it's just you. You should really stop carrying people around like potato sacks."
"I suppose you're right Johnny. But how else am I supposed to carry a person?"
"Well ya' see, you put one hand under their back and the other under their thighs, so that you aren't jabbing their stomach with your shoulders."
"...that does sound a hell of a lot more comfortable for both of us. Thanks! I'll try it out next time!"
(Johnny) 'I'm sorry Miss Alyssa, I tried my best!' *tear drop*
{Azrael}
"I'm HOOOMMMEE!"
"Eep!"
Now that's what I'm talking about! Finally some reaction!
"W-who is that? A-are they s-still alive?"
"This right here is my good friend Allie! And no, she's not dead. She just tends to freeze up."
"...please put me down."
"Ack! How long have you been conscious!?"
"Since you stopped talking to Johnny."
"But that would be... an hour ago!? Why didn't you say anything!?"
"I did. You were just running too fast to hear me. Like usual."
"...I'll try not to do that next time." *slowly sets her down*
*muttering* 'Let's hope there isn't a next time...'
"Uhh, anyways, Allie, Remi! Remi, Allie!"
*fidgeting* "..."
*stare* "..."
"U-um, n-nice to meet y-you! I am Remiel!"
"...can I touch your hair?"
"S-sure?"
And this is the version that is now my Profile Picture:
