“Where is he? He was supposed to be here by now.” I complained as I watched the clock on my phone.

Sato-san agreed to help me out with my investigation, and I was eager to hear what he had to report. The plan was simple enough, we would gauge Sayaka-chan’s response to him saying he was going to ask me out to determine how she felt about me.

Following our first “date”, I told him how I felt about Sayaka-chan and he agreed to help me out. After a few weeks of planning, we finally went through with the next step of our plan. The first step was for me to spend all my free time around her to learn as much as I could and get her used to me being around. Sato-san and I would meet up a couple times a week to go over my progress to determine when we should make our next move.

We agreed to have him plant the idea in her mind that he finally began to develop feelings for me and suggest that he would ask me out. We wanted to know how she would react to the news, and possibly learn more about her sexuality. It was a long shot, but anything regarding her feelings was going to be difficult to unearth.

Just as I was beginning to become overwhelmed with stress, Sato-san rounded the corner and sneakily rushed over to where I was hiding.

“How did it go? Did she buy it?”

Sato-san sat on the bench next to me and began snacking on chips he had in his bag. His aloof nature was infuriating sometimes, especially when I was impatient.

“It went about as we expected it to. She was indifferent and wondered why I was talking to her instead of you. However, I successfully planted the idea that you have a crush on her, and I made her talk about her sexuality, so I consider it a success. I told you that she wouldn’t get antsy and jealous like you hoped.”

“That’s a shame, but not overly surprising. What did she say specifically?”

Details were an important part of information gathering. The possibility of Sayaka-chan agreeing to go out with me was slim, but I was willing to play the long game. All I needed was a crack in her armor to squeeze my way into her thoughts.

“She said she hoped we would start dating because then you wouldn’t be annoying her all the time, so you might want to take that as a lesson. She also said she does have sexual feelings but not to the same degree as others and has no interest in pursuing them. She also doesn’t consider you a friend, more like a duckling who follows her around for your own benefit. You have a lot of work to do. Are you sure all of this effort is worth it?”

Sato-san was a nice guy but utterly clueless about romance. My crush for him disappeared the moment I realized I had fallen for a girl. It was hard to go back to thinking about Sato-san kissing me when I was thinking about Sayaka-chan’s soft lips against mine.

“Sheesh, she’s more of a brick wall than I thought. At least I know she isn’t devoid of those feelings; she just avoids them and denies them from growing further. All I need to do is plant a seed and carefully tend it until a beautiful tree blooms.”

Sato-san gave me a judgmental glare as he continued to munch on his chips.

“This is going to end in disaster for you. We don’t even know if she would be open to the idea of dating a girl since she’s against any kind of relationship altogether. You should just accept the fact you’ll be in the duckling-zone for the rest of time and move on.” He just had to remind me of Sayaka-chan’s less than complimentary description of our relationship.

“...Wait! You asked her if she would be interested in dating me, right? Did she explicitly say no to dating me or did she deflect the question?!”

“Ugh, you’re getting desperate. She said she wouldn’t date you because she’s against dating in general. Though she did say something about the benefit of a same-sex relationship is that there’s no risk of unplanned pregnancy.”

My eyes grew at the information he shared. He was holding back the most important information of all! That dumbass was so stupid sometimes it hurt when I thought back to when I believed he was the perfect guy.

“Yes! She doesn’t think same-sex intercourse is inherently repulsive! That is a huge win for me! Plus, she isn’t against dating me because she hates me specifically! I can work with that!”

“...You’re a strange girl. Haven’t you only dated and liked guys? Sayaka-chan is extremely different from most girls, let alone the inherent differences there are between teenage boys and girls. You can’t seriously think you can win her over. She’s not interested in your appearance, let alone how much cleavage you show, which you should really use more buttons. She also thinks your personality is annoying, she even said you were polar opposites. Stop getting excited over inconsequential details.”

“Her mom was a gyaru, y’know!? The next phase of my plan is going to be tricky though. I need to learn what it would take for her to consider the possibility of dating. The only way I can ask those kinds of questions is if she doesn’t believe I have an ulterior motive. Sato-san! I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend for a while. It would only be around Aoi-chan and Sayaka-chan, but it would make her less likely to suspect me of manipulating her. Since she knows I had a crush on you, if I tell her I rejected you, she’ll immediately figure out something was wrong. Will you help me again, Sato-san?”

He facepalmed and groaned in frustration. I didn’t think I was asking anything too crazy, and I believed I had given him a solid rationale for my deception. In order to move the unmovable, creatively was required.

“Fine, I’ll help, but only for Tanaka-chan’s sake. Lying your way into her good graces is pretty scummy, but I suppose you don’t care about that.”

“Not at all! If the day comes that she agrees to be my lover, she will be grateful for my persistence. Let’s just hope my looks haven’t changed too much by then.”

With our plan agreed upon, we decided to split ways for the day. We had accomplished everything we set out to do and I was feeling pretty confident with our progress. Taking on the impossible task to get Sayaka-chan to develop feelings for someone was a bold move. However, I knew I wanted to be with her, and I was willing to wait however long it took for her to see me as more than a duckling.

The moment I returned to our apartment complex, I knocked on her door as I did every day. The purpose of the visit would be to share with her the big “news” and gauge her reaction. It was unlikely that she would care, but it would give me the opportunity to ask questions about her relationship interests.

Unfortunately, after three subsequent knocks there was no answer at the door. She rarely went anywhere after school, but it was possible that she was at the bookstore. She would go to the bookstore a couple times a week, so it was the most obvious explanation for her absence. Because I was later than usual due to my meeting with Sato-san, I probably just missed her.

That being the case, I decided to wait for her in my apartment. It had been only a week since she cleaned it for me, so it was still bearable to spend time in. Even after all the times I watched her clean my apartment, I had yet to figure out how to do it without making everything worse than before. Of course, I wasn’t interested in her because she cleaned and cooked for me. In fact, I was attracted to her personality above all else.

Once I realized I had fallen for her, I couldn’t just stand by and watch her be alone forever. However, the challenge wasn’t just convincing her that same-sex relationships were acceptable, but that relationships in general weren’t a bad thing. The biggest issue was that I had no idea why she was so staunchly against them. She never said she was naturally opposed to it, only that she didn’t want or wasn’t interested in them. To me, that meant that there was a reason she was against them and not inherently disinterested.

Thus, my information gathering plan was born. However, since her best friend, and the person who knew her better than anyone, disliked me, I needed to be creative. Sato-san was the only person I could rely on for help, yet even he was skeptical of my plan. She wasn’t going to crack easily, and I was fully aware that it may take months or years until anything would come of my efforts.

The worst-case scenario would be her rejecting me, which I was prepared for. The best-case scenario would be us living happily ever after in a country that was hostile towards lesbian relationships. The most likely scenario would be her getting annoyed with me and telling me to go away. Until then, I was going to do my best to make her mine.

A few hours after I got home, I heard the door next door close. It was nearly dark and well after when Sayaka-chan usually got home. She was probably going to make dinner first thing and then start on her homework. She never ate takeout or convenience store food so she couldn’t have eaten while she was out.

The internal debate I had every evening about whether I should go over or allow her some alone time raged on inside my head. It was conceivable that she was tired and wanted to relax for the rest of the evening. However, I hated her being alone all the time and I wanted to be there to keep her company. On the other hand, Sato-san told me earlier in the day that she was annoyed with me coming over every day so I thought it would be best to leave her alone… However,…

The cyclical arguments continued for a while, only stopping when they were interrupted by a loud knock at the door. No one ever knocked on my door before, so I was bewildered by the uncommon occurrence.

The door cracked slowly as I tentatively opened it to see who it could be.

“What are you doing, dumbass? Are you hungry or not?” Sayaka-chan looked at me like I was a total idiot, which was how she usually looked at me. She never came over to my place, but I figured she was worried about me eating since I usually went over for dinner.

“Yes, of course!” I exclaimed excitedly.

“Then come over before it gets cold. If Sato-san is over he can come too.”

What exactly did she think I was doing with my fake boyfriend!? Why was she so unaffected by the thought of me doing it with her friend? Maybe she really wasn’t interested in me at all.

“He’s not here! What kind of girl do you take me for!?”

“One who doesn’t know how to control the volume of her voice. Let’s go.”

She led the way back to her apartment in an annoyed huff. The table was already set for two people, filled with food that was still emitting steam, fresh from the stove.

“This all looks so good! Thanks a bunch, Sayaka-chan!”

Her food was simple yet delicious. She always found ways to use leftovers or to substitute more expensive ingredients without sacrificing nutritional value. The ability to cook on a budget and still make such good food amazed me. Perhaps if she had access to better ingredients, she could make even better food, but she never seemed to mind.

“You were later than usual today, did you stop somewhere after school?” My curiosity boiled over and I decided to just ask her why she was late.

“Aoi-chan and I went to a cafe and then I went to the bookstore. Did Sato-san talk to you?”

She seemed disinterested but she wouldn’t have asked if she truly didn’t care. Maybe she was hoping I said no! But I wasn’t going to bet on that possibility, so I decided to go with my plan.

“Yup! We’re officially going out now! It’s almost too good to be true!” Lying to her wasn’t something I wanted to do, however I needed to do whatever I could to learn more about her.

“Just keep the noise to a minimum. We share a wall; I don’t want to hear your lewd activities while I’m studying.”

“Ah! We won’t be doing anything like that! Why would you assume that we would be doing that right away?”

She calmly ate her food without reacting to my outburst. She was impossible to read even when she diverted from my expectations.

“Isn’t that something couples do? You’re both teens, don’t most people our age fantasize about that kind of stuff?”

“Just because we think about it, that doesn’t mean we’d actually do it! Come on, are you saying you never had those thoughts?” What was I asking!? Asking such a personal question wasn’t part of the plan, but I needed to adapt on the fly.

“The things I think about and the things you think about are entirely different. Besides, just because I occasionally consider such things, it’s not like I would ever act on them. Though, I suppose I have attempted to learn more about them lately.”

She what!? What was she doing to learn about sex!? Surely, she wouldn’t watch pornography, she didn’t even have a smartphone. Was she into erotic novels!? What kind of things was she learning!?

“Huh? How are you learning about them?”

She shrugged and went on eating her food. “Just playing theoretical scenarios in my head to determine what I was the least uncomfortable with. I also purchased some books that I’m hoping will give some insight on my condition.”

Condition? Did she think being interested in physical intimacy was a medical issue? She wasn’t so devoid of understanding that she would accuse the majority of the people on earth of being infected with horny.

“What kind of scenarios? And what books are you reading? I don’t want you coming to conclusions based on faulty information.”

“Hmm… I analyzed a few factors such as emotional connection and gender. By doing so, I was able to learn what I was capable of imagining without feeling physically repulsed as well as what emotional state I required. Using the results of this analysis, I purchased some light novels that described the kind of dynamic I may prefer. Of course, that doesn’t mean I plan to get into a relationship ever, I just wanted to learn more about my preferences.”

She was talking gibberish because she was too embarrassed to tell me the truth. What kind of revelations could she have stumbled into that made her so flustered?

“Uh-huh. And can you be a little more specific?”

“Nope. Aoi-chan helped me realize that just because I have a preference doesn’t mean I want to actually indulge myself. In fact, it only gives me yet another reason to avoid relationships.”

Why must she be so vague!? Of course she would tell Aoi-chan, the one person who knew everything I wanted to know but refused to share with me. If only she didn’t hate me for something I never even did!

“Ugh, you’re evading the question. At least show me what books you got.” Dinner was the last thing on my mind, despite it being exceptionally tasty. I needed to know what kind of relationship she was interested in!

“Hmm… I doubt you would be interested. Besides, it’s none of your concern. Shouldn’t you be bragging about how you finally got your perfect boyfriend?” she asked as she stood up to clean up after dinner.

She was being evasive, and I knew I had no chance of getting her to break. Accepting defeat was the only option I had left. However, I went on the attack instead of retreating.

“You see me as a duckling, eh?”

“Is that a problem with you? Would you prefer that I saw you as a different type of fowl?” She could be such a smartass sometimes.

“I was under the impression that we were friends. Or am I just annoying you?”

“Why did you frame that as a dichotomy? Is it impossible for friends to be annoying? Also, who said it was a bad thing that you’re a duckling? Stop catastrophizing everything.” She sounded emotionless but I could tell she was bothered by my pessimistic view of our relationship.

“Ugh, you can be infuriating to talk to you sometimes. Can you at least tell me why you’re so against relationships?” 

“What does that have to do with anything? Is it so ridiculous that I have no interest in dating? Especially in high school since I’ll be graduating in less than a year. While everyone goes away to pursue their dreams, I will stay here to work. What’s the point of even considering a relationship when any kind of emotional attachment would make parting more stressful?”

Finally, she gave me an answer! However, it was a hard one to refute without making promises that I couldn’t guarantee. Why was the first answer I got from her the only thing I couldn’t respond to? But I needed to give it my best.

“But if someone loved you, they would surely be loyal to you and be okay with your decisions.” I thought my response was solid, but not entirely comforting.

Unfortunately, she always had a rebuttal. “Let’s say that’s all true, they would probably want some kind of physical intimacy. They would assuredly feel unfulfilled when I couldn’t provide one of the basic activities that couples engage in. Would you want to be in a relationship where you rarely saw the person you loved, and when you did, they had no interest in copulating? How satisfied would you be in that kind of relationship?”

Damn it. She thought through her points thoroughly and I had no chance.

“Well, umm, are you wholly against the idea of sex?” Somehow, that was the best I could come up with.

“When I thought about it in more detail, as opposed to the basic concept itself, I became distressed. It would take a long time before I felt comfortable enough to even see a romantic partner without clothing. However, I will continue my research, so it’s possible the idea will become less stressful.”

“Forget sex for a moment, what about things like kissing, hugging, cuddling, and such? Could you handle that stuff?”

It’s not like I was clamoring to have sex with her, but I wanted to at least be able to kiss her if we ever dated. Having kissed and touched only boys, I was interested in how it would feel to be with a girl. My first crush on a girl just had to be someone who had no interest in touching at all. Just looking at her made me want to kiss her, especially since she was a total cutie.

“Give me a moment, I need to run a simulation before I can answer………… Kissing would be too awkward, hugging would be fine depending on the situation, and cuddling is just horizontal hugging. Though, physical interaction isn’t something I enjoy on the whole. Why are you so interested in my views on romance?”

“W-well I was thinking about how I’m excited to do all those things with someone I like, so I wanted to know how you felt about them. Why wouldn’t I want to take the opportunity to learn more about my friend?”

Luckily, I had come up with an excuse for my inquiries prior to speaking with her. The plan was for me to use my faux relationship with Sato-san as the impetus for getting closer to the person I really wanted to be with. While it might’ve had the side effect of making her believe I wasn’t interested in dating women, I decided to address that at a later time. The first step was to expose what she actually thought about romantic relationships.

Our talk gave me more than I was expecting due to the serendipitous timing of her self-exploration into her romantic preferences. What I came away with was more questions than answers. Like, what did she mean by preferences? Was she talking gender or what kind of guy she was into? What exactly did she picture doing to figure out her preferences? Would she ever feel comfortable enough with me to allow me to touch her? These were important questions that needed to be answered.

“So how will things change between Sato-san and you? What is a relationship in your conceptualization?”

Why did she ask such a strangely worded question? “The basic couple stuff; going on dates, spending meals together sometimes, talking about our days, and sometimes kissing and stuff. Relationships to me are more like a partnership than anything. Supporting each other, helping each other out when we need it, doing little things to make the other person happy, and having fun together. The physical stuff is great, but you don’t need to be in a relationship to have that. Sex is more about expressing emotions and getting to know that person in a way that nobody else does. It’s about trust, and that’s what makes a relationship so special. To always have somebody who will be there to comfort and support you as well as make you smile. Do you get it?”

My idea of a relationship wasn’t what most high schoolers probably thought, but I truly felt that way. After being betrayed and having gone through so much pain alone, I just wanted someone I could lean on.

“Nope, I don’t get that.”

My face dropped as did my heart. I truly thought she would crack just a bit with that speech, but apparently not.

“Why can’t you just do that same stuff with a friend? Why do you need to have sex with someone in order to trust them? It sounds like the only benefit of a relationship is being with a friend you like to molest. We’re friends, do you feel like molesting me? Probably not. Yet that is the only thing that distinguishes Sato-san and me.”

My brain nearly short-circuited the moment she asked if I wanted to touch her. My perverted mind immediately thought about fondling her chest and I couldn’t stop picturing it.

“Umm, let’s say, hypothetically, that I did want to touch you, how would you react?”

“Meh. It’s not like you would actually do anything to me. Though, it’s hard to believe someone like you would be interested in me. Not to mention the fact we’re both girls, which I could imagine being an issue for you.”

…Wait, what did she say? An issue for me? Did that mean it wasn’t an issue for her? What!?

“S-so me being a girl wouldn’t bother you?” Answers were needed immediately but I forced myself to be calm.

“Not particularly. I don’t want any kind of physical intimacy, regardless of gender. But wouldn’t it play a role for someone like you? You actually want to be with someone like that, so you would probably have a preference in gender, correct?”

“Eh? Umm… I don’t think love has anything to do with gender.” The best response I had was probably the blandest reply I could give. Luckily, she knew nothing about love clichés.

“I suppose so.”

She finished cleaning the kitchen and then sat on the couch next to me to relax. Just being close to her made my heart race. Her skirt slid up slightly as she angled her knees, exposing her thighs. Somehow, I went from a gyaru who loved muscular guys to getting turned on at the sight of smooth feminine thighs.

“So, what are your future plans, Sasaki-san? Surely you have some kind of lofty goal.”

“Umm, not particularly. I’ve always wanted to be a beautician, which would only require a couple years of vocational school. You plan to work right away, right?”

“Yeah. It would be selfish if I chased after my dreams while Mom never had a chance. She’s still young, if she doesn’t need to work as much, she’ll be able to pursue all the things she wanted to before she had me. She wanted to be a fashion designer, but once her parents found out she was pregnant, they cut her off and she had to give up everything she ever wanted out of life. I don’t blame myself for her life going the way it did, but the least I can do to repay her is by allowing her to live her own life. Some dumb teenage romance that ended with the guy dumping my mom the moment he found out she was pregnant caused her nothing but pain. Is it so crazy for me to feel like relationships aren’t worth it? Besides, any relationship I could have would eventually take away time I could spend with Mom.”

She finally opened up to me and I learned more than I expected. Not only did I learn more about her ambitions in life, but also about why she was relationship adverse. If I was colder and more calculated, I would have tried to find a way to spin that information to my benefit. However, I cared more about her than to advance my position by exploring her vulnerability.

“But… Do you think your mom would be happy knowing that the only reason she had the opportunity was because you gave up yours? Don’t you think you would be doing exactly the same thing she did, giving up your goals for the sake of another? Think about it; she spent her whole life working to make sure you had the chance for a better life than she had. What’s wrong with you working hard to eventually get a job where she no longer has to work at all?”

“...What do you know about it? You’re just some dumbass gyaru who has no clue what it’s like to see the only person in your life work themselves to the bone. It’s my decision to make, not yours. Just because you can’t understand, doesn’t make you right!”

Before she flew into another shouting fit, arms wrapped around behind her and squeezed her tightly.

“Don’t yell at your friend for expressing that she cares about you, sweetie. She wants you to be happy, Sayaka. You should be happy that you have a friend who cares so much about you.” Her mom had a soothing aura that seemed to pacify Sayaka-chan instantly. They obviously adored each other, which I was only slightly envious of.

“You’re home early, Mom.” Sayaka-chan sounded at peace in her mother’s arms, a stark contrast to how she spoke to everyone else.

“I wanted to spend the night with my awesome daughter. Would you mind heating me up some dinner? I would like to speak with Rina-chan for a moment.”

“Of course, Mom.” Sayaka-chan kissed her mom on the cheek and went to make her some dinner.

“Let’s go to your place for a few minutes.”

At her behest, I led Tanaka-san to my apartment. She made a beeline to my sofa and collapsed onto it, making herself at home.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t about to be scolded.

“Heh. I’ve told Sayaka the same thing you did a million times. Don’t think that I made her believe that she needed to martyr herself for me sake. She’s a stubborn girl, especially when it comes to making my life easier, but she’s not an idiot. She knows exactly what she’s doing, but she doesn’t care. No matter how many times I tell her that I have no regrets and that I’m happy with the life I have, she’s convinced that she stole something from me. I’m trying to persuade her to take the college entrance exams, just so she can see where she may get accepted, but she’s been resistant. Don’t take her outbursts personally, she’s only lashing out because she knows all of that and refuses to accept it as true.”

Her mom was a surprisingly mature person when she wasn’t acting like the gyaru she was at heart. Anyone would be able to figure out that she loved her daughter more than anything and that she worked as hard as she did because she wanted to do what was best for her daughter. She was someone I greatly respected and admired because of how hard she worked.

“...Is there any way for me to change her mind?” I asked.

“About what? Her career goals or her views on relationships?”

“Ummm, would you think less of me if I said the latter?” My face was flushed, and I was overwhelmed by my own awkwardness. What kind of loser asked their crush’s mom for help?

“She’s never been interested in romance, even as a child. However, lately she’s been trying to understand it better. If you really want to be with her, you’re going to need to show that you’ll be there for the long haul. Don’t expect her to change her mind overnight. Also, you may not want the kind of relationship she can handle. Sex isn’t something she’s ever thought about, so you should keep that in mind.”

“I’m doing some information gathering before I do anything. She thinks I’m dating Sato-san, but it’s just a cover so she won’t suspect that I’m hitting on her. And with sex… I can always find other ways to fulfill my needs.”

Tanaka-san chuckled at my response, probably thinking my schemes and workarounds were hilarious. For someone who was only in her mid-thirties, she was still extremely pretty and had a fun personality. If she was truly selfish, she wouldn’t have put her daughter first in everything she did. Instead, she was probably the most selfless person I knew, and she worked hard to give Sayaka-chan the best life she could provide. She was an admirable person, someone who I could aspire to become someday.

“It would be nice if she opened up a bit. Be patient with her, I can tell that she likes you. If she ever yells at you like that again, try to comfort her. She may fight at first, but she usually lashes out when she’s distressed and overwhelmed.”

“So, umm… Are you okay with me being with your daughter? I mean, would you be okay with your daughter dating a girl?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? The only thing that matters is that she’s happy. The kind of person I want for my daughter is someone who truly cares about her and supports her. Gender and such don’t matter if you truly love someone. I’ll be rooting for you, Rina-chan.”

Tanaka-san stood up and embraced me. Just the few seconds I was in her grasp was enough to make me understand why Sayaka-chan calmed down whenever her mom hugged her. She was warm and soft, but I could feel the earnest affection she felt for her daughter.

She left shortly after, leaving me to reconsider a few things. Perhaps it would have been better if I told her I rejected Sato-san since it would have shown that I was only interested in her. However, there was something that she said that stuck out to me as worrying: relationships aren’t worth it.

Just when I thought I was getting close, I suddenly found myself going backwards.