“Aoi-chan, what’s wrong?” I asked the moment the door to my apartment closed behind us.

“You pocket-dialed me and I heard her pressuring you! I needed to save you before she took advantage of you! She was definitely hoping something would happen. That sensual line of questioning was too far!”

“Sensual? She was just asking why I cut her off, I don’t think she was that out of line. And why did you need to be so violent? She didn’t do anything.”

“Who knows with a girl like that!? Plus, she annoys the hell out of me. Stupid gyaru, always flaunting herself like she’s trying to turn men on.” Aoi-chan really hated Sasaki-san and it was really beginning to annoy me.

“Hey! She’s not like that! I’ve told you before, she’s a really nice person, not all like the rumors make her out to be! Plus, if you hate her for how she is, then you hate Mom as well because she was just like her!”

“Ehhh, that’s a good point. Why did you want to go over there in the first place? Didn’t you say you were fine without her?”

“I just… After seeing her grades and how she didn’t try to talk to me after she hugged me, I felt like she was becoming someone I didn’t recognize. I guess I was worried that she was changing herself because she didn’t want to be alone.”

Aoi-chan flopped onto the couch and groaned in annoyance. She had been supportive of me ignoring Sasaki-san because she didn’t like that I was attracted to her. It wasn’t that I wanted to date Sasaki-san, but I felt like I needed to get away before any feelings sprouted. Unfortunately, I spent the time apart reading girl love novels and I began to feel less apprehensive about my attraction to a girl.

However, my opinions on love hadn’t changed, and I began to avoid her out of fear of falling for her. Seeing her but never hearing her annoying voice was difficult for me. Every day, I would see her spend hours in the library studying for exams, showing a determination I hadn’t seen from her before.

It became obvious to me that Sato-san and she weren’t actually dating a couple days after I stopped talking to her. They never spoke, never at lunch together, and she was always studying. I figured they either broke up quickly or they were never dating in the first place. The lack of awkwardness between the two made it obvious to me that they were never together to begin with. Why she thought it would be a good idea to fake a relationship to get closer to me was beyond my understanding. She was always over at my place anyway, why did she need to be dating Sato-san to talk more openly with me?

“So, despite staying away from her for two months, you still fell for that gaudy dummy. Ugh. What do you plan to do now? You keep saying you don’t want a relationship, and you’re against anything remotely physical, what exactly do you want from her?”

“I’m not sure… Nothing about me has changed; I’m still not interested in loving someone or getting into a relationship, and she’ll still probably move when we graduate. Yet I can’t get her out of my head.”

“Ugh, why her of all people? What’s so special about her?” Aoi-chan was acting like a spoiled child, jealous that I wanted to play with someone else.

“Hmm, I’m not sure. She’s a nice person and I find her visually appealing. She’s usually carefree but can be serious when she wants something. She really cared about me, despite how mean I was to her. Everyday that she came over, I was annoyed because I missed my alone time, but I liked her being around at the same time. It’s hard to explain, but that’s how I feel right now.”

“Oh geez…” Aoi-chan rubbed her temples, suggesting that she had a headache from my reasoning. “Okay, let’s just extrapolate a possible scenario. Say she stays in the area for school and that she is also interested in dating you, she will probably want to be physically intimate with you eventually. Do you think she’ll be fine in a relationship without touching?”

“Why are you acting like it’s feasible that she would be interested in dating someone like me? Besides, I’m sure I’d be able to get past my anxiety eventually… Maybe. Every time I simulate that kind of scenario in my mind, I get overwhelmed and quickly end it.”

“The important thing is that you’ve actually considered it. Well… Since avoiding her didn’t help, I think we need to test how you feel about her. When she got close to you, how did you feel?”

Aoi-chan seamlessly shifted tactics on the fly, realizing that it was hopeless to talk me out of my confused emotions. A devious smirk was stuck on her face, she clearly enjoyed seeing me uncomfortable. It was probably the first time we had ever talked like normal teenage girls, and she relished it.

“I was uncomfortable, obviously. I mean, I was struck by how soft her skin looked, but that was just because I was curious about her skincare routine.”

“Heh, of course that’s your excuse. Alright, we need to see more of that bodacious body! Any ideas of how to see her in her underwear? Hot spring? Maybe you could go shopping together? A swimsuit would work just as well.”

“Eh? Well… She did offer to see if I can work at her aunt’s shop by the beach this summer.”

“That’s perfect! You get to make money and see the girl you like in a bikini! Will you be staying there? If you share a room, you can see how you feel about sleeping next to her!”

“Uh-huh. I highly doubt Mom will allow it since it would take time away from my studies. Also, how can you be certain that she would wear a bikini or that we’d share a room?”

“Heho, I think once I explain the reason you want to go, she’ll change her mind. And even if she doesn’t wear a bikini, you’d still see a different side of her, same thing with whether or not you share a room. The point of this is to see her in a way you haven’t before.”

“...Why are you being so insistent about this? A minute ago, you were complaining about me being attracted to her, now you’re trying to set me up with her. I’ve told you before, I don’t want my feelings to get any worse than they already are.”

“Because this is the first time you have shown any genuine interest towards someone in a romantic sense. Even if you don’t pursue a relationship, you can still enjoy spending time with her. Plus, the more time you spend with her, the more likely it is that you’ll find something you don’t like about her, and you can move on.”

Aoi-chan was helping me because she thought I would give up on my feelings if I were to spend time with Sasaki-san. Of course that was why she was eager to help. Aoi-chan wasn’t one to change her mind about a person so easily, there was no way she wanted me to actually fall for Sasaki-san.

“Ugh, whatever. If you can somehow convince Mom to let me get a part-time job, I don’t care who I need to see in a swimsuit.”

“Splendid! Once you find out if her aunt will hire you, we’ll go out to find a swimsuit for you! Or… Maybe you could go with Sasaki-san! Yes! An innocent shopping date with a flashy gyaru will surely turn you off of her!”

“You’re such a cynic. If, by some impossible circumstance, I was to enter into a relationship with Sasaki-san, would you support me or would you stop talking to me?”

“Don’t be silly. If you were to ever date anyone, I would give you my full support. Besides, we don’t even know if Sasaki-san would date a girl so I’m not worried.”

Aoi-chan was right, we had no reason to believe that Sasaki-san would even consider dating a girl. There was no point in doing anything if she was staunchly against it. Since I never told her about my preference for women, I didn’t know if she was okay with lesbians, let alone anything else. Her earlier antics were easily explained away by her outgoing gyaru nature. Skinship was something she probably never thought much about, which meant she was oblivious to how someone like me could interpret those things.

Why was I putting so much thought into something I told myself countless times I never wanted? It wasn’t like me to be interested in someone in any kind of sense beyond friendship, yet my mind was filled with thoughts of Sasaki-san. Despite not talking to her for months, I couldn’t get her out of my head. During that time, I would subconsciously watch her, worried that she may have found someone else. And there it was again: someone else. For some reason, I wanted her to only look at me, which was why I thought pushing her away would work in the first place.

Aoi-chan left shortly after she finished concocting the perfect plan to get me to give up on Sasaki-san. It was a bit distressing that my closest friend disliked the only person I ever had feelings for, no matter how confused those feelings were. Aoi-chan was only being so cynical because she didn’t want me to get hurt, I knew that. Sasaki-san was the kind of person who liked to cross boundaries, and Aoi-chan didn’t want someone to take advantage of my confused feelings.

On the other side of things was Mom. She thought that Sasaki-san was a great person who cared about me. Neither the rumors nor Sasaki-san’s personality mattered to Mom, the only thing that mattered was that Sasaki-san cared about me.

It was hard to deny that Sasaki-san truly cared about me. The reason she used to visit every day was because she didn’t want me to be lonely. She refused to leave my side when I was feeling ill, even going as far to end her date early the moment she heard about my condition. Even though it was a short time, Sasaki-san was devoted to being my friend. And I repaid her genuine affection for me by cutting her off because I got scared of my own feelings.

Despite how I treated her, she welcomed me into her apartment like nothing between us had changed. She could have ignored me or told me to go away, instead she fed me dinner and talked like we did before.

When I learned that she was working hard to prove that she had worth, I just about lost it. She must have thought that I didn’t think she was worthy of my time. But instead of giving up, she put in endless hours of work in order to make herself better. The look on her face when she talked about everything, she did to improve herself made my heart race for the first time in my life.

If things worked out in my favor and I could work with Sasaki-san over the summer, how would things progress between the two of us? Was there even anything to progress? It was hard to say we were friends since I had ignored her for longer than we knew each other, but she didn’t seem angry with me at all. In fact, she was happy just to talk to me again. What kind of idiot was I that I tried to push someone like her away?

That night, I was flooded with regret. All those weeks of pushing her away did nothing but make me more certain of my feelings for her. Despite my best efforts, the wall I built around my heart had formed cracks. No matter how I looked at it, it was inevitable that I would fall for her. Whether or not that fall would be met with the warm embrace of Sasaki-san’s arms or a faceplant on the ground of heartbreak had yet to be seen.

There was a darkness that loomed over my feelings, the ever-present unknown, uncertain future. Ahead of us were a lot of decisions that would impact everything about the next few years of our lives. College, work, or family could cause either of us to move far away, never to see each other again. Even if neither of us moved, there would still be obstacles. If she were to get into beauty school and I chose to enter the workforce, there may not be time for us to be together or one of us would become jealous when new people got close to the other.

Was it worth all the unknowns to open myself up to a relationship that could cause more hurt than joy? Could I trust her to never hurt me and stay by my side despite my faults? Would I ever be able to overcome my fear of physical affection and entrust my body to her?

None of my concerns could be answered easily, especially since we had only known each other for a short period. What I needed to decide was whether or not it was worth finding out.

In the end, as I fell asleep that night, I was still undecided.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A couple days passed since the night I ended my Sasaki-san embargo, and I had yet to see her again. It wasn’t from a lack of trying. The morning after Aoi-chan rudely assaulted her, I went over to her place to apologize but she never answered.

It wasn’t until after eight in the evening that I heard her finally return from wherever she was. While I was tempted to go over that night, I decided against it since she was probably tired and would want to relax.

The next day was the same, I was unable to catch her before she left, and she didn’t get home until late. It was a bit worrying that I had no clue where she was for nearly twelve hours every day. Did she have a boyfriend that she didn’t tell me about? She said that someone had motivated her to improve herself, maybe that was who she was talking about.

With my anxiety fully out of control, I decided to do something drastic to calm my nerves. The following morning, I woke up earlier than usual to follow through with my admittedly creepy plan.

A few seconds after I heard Sasaki-san’s door close, I snuck out of my apartment and followed her. Making sure to keep a safe distance, I jumped from cover to cover, stealthily shadowing my neighbor. Perhaps I was a fool for stalking my friend instead of just asking to walk with her, but I didn’t want her to think I was interested in her.

She stopped at a street vendor and purchased what I assumed was going to be her breakfast. She was acting aloof as always, unaware of my clandestine efforts. After she got her breakfast, she stopped at a convenience store to get drinks, and then she continued on her way.

All my focus was on not being seen, unworried about what people on the street thought of my odd behavior. Since I was watching her, I didn’t take notice of where we were going, so it came as a shock when I found myself outside the local library. A few minutes after Sasaki-san disappeared into the building, I figured I could enter without her noticing me.

A cursory glance around the building made it evident that there was a myriad of places she could be hiding. Rows of bookshelves blocked the view of the tables behind them, and the second floor made it that much harder to sneak around without her catching me.

After a moment considering how I would attack the situation, I decided it would be best to start on the second floor. It reduced the chance of her seeing me from above and also gave me a view of half of the lower level. My plan wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t have many options.

As I tiptoed up the stairs, I kept my head on a swivel in a futile attempt to be aware of my surroundings. Just as I rounded the corner of the first bookshelf, I found myself face to face with a waiting Sasaki-san.

“You took your time.” She said with a snicker. “Is there any particular reason you felt the need to clumsily trail me?”

My face was burning from supreme embarrassment. Not only did she know I had been following her, but she also acted like it was the funniest thing in the world.

“I was just curious where you were going for twelve hours a day.”

“Uh-huh. And why couldn’t you just ask me when I left this morning or when I got home last night?” Her smile was unceasing and made me progressively more ashamed of my behavior.

“W-well, I thought maybe it was something you couldn’t talk about, or you made a friend or maybe you got a boyfriend…” My voice awkwardly trailed off as I verbalized my extremely shameful rationale for my actions.

“Hmmm… Well, as you can see, I’ve been spending my time here studying all day. What’s more interesting is why you’re worried about who I spend my time with when you told me not to talk to you.”

She had me cornered and she knew it. My options were to either come up with a pathetic lie or tell her the truth about my feelings.

“Umm… I-”

She covered my mouth with her hand and gave me a sparkling smile before I could spout nonsensical lies to her. “You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to. Take things at your own pace, Sayaka-chan, I’m not going to pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

She removed her hand from my mouth and then went to the table where her stuff was lying. She pulled out a couple of steamed buns and cartons of strawberry milk from her bags, placing one of each on either side of the table.

“Come on, let’s have breakfast while you’re here. It’s not much, but I didn’t want to wait in line too long while you were trying to hide behind a trash can.”

She was so unaffected by my behavior that it began to creep me out. She should have been put off by my actions, yet she acted like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“Uhh, sure. Thank you.” I sat down and tentatively accepted her kind gesture.

“So, umm, why are you studying so much?” I asked, trying to shift the focus away from my stupidity and onto her curious behavior.

“Well, even though I plan to go to beauty school, I still want to take the entrance exams so I can keep my options open. If I can earn good scores, I should be able to get into most colleges.”

It was unusual to see her so passionate about school, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, she made it sound like she already knew where she wanted to go but she would be willing to change her plans for someone. The kind of time and dedication it took to study as hard as she did made it clear to me that she loved whomever she was working hard for.

“I see… So, umm, sorry about the other night. Aoi-chan was worried that you were going to pressure me into doing something, so she ran over to ‘rescue’ me.”

Instead of taking offense, Sasaki-san chuckled. “It’s fine, I wasn’t that bothered. She was just doing what she thought was right at the time, I don’t blame her for that. At least it made my night a bit less boring. Things have been a bit lonely since you stopped talking to me, but I hope we can still be friends.”

“Of course we’re friends, dummy. Do you think you can get rid of me that easily?” I tried to sound like my usual self, all the while I was freaking out about how unmoved she was about everything.

“I suppose you’re right. Oh, by the way, my aunt said you could work for a couple weeks with me if you want. It’s not much, but it would be a good way to make some extra cash while also giving you a beach vacation. Like I said before, I’ll be staying at the beach house while I’m working but you can commute every day if you really want.”

“I’ll check with Mom tonight. If it’s only for a couple weeks, then she may actually let me do it. And, uh, would we have to share a room?”

The fear I had about staying there was sleeping in the same room, or same bed, as Sasaki-san. There were bound to be a lot of uncomfortable moments if it were just the two of us, especially in regard to baths and such. However, I would’ve been lying if I said I wasn’t interested in seeing more of her.

“Well, they’ll probably be staying at their other place, so we would have the house to ourselves. But there’s two bedrooms so you would have your own space. I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable by sharing a room with you. I’m a cuddler, so I would eventually end up using you as a body pillow if we had to share a bed, and I don’t think you would appreciate that.”

“Oh. Good.” That was code for: I didn’t know I wanted that until you said it. “Say, why are you going out of your way to help me out when I was so cruel to you for months?”

“I don’t have a grudge against you or anything. I really enjoyed being your friend and I want to spend as much time with you as I can. Plus, I kinda want to see you in a swimsuit. Hehehe!”

She practically made me swoon! How was this girl for real!? Her smile was making me feel funny all over and my heart was pounding out of my chest.

“You want to see me in a swimsuit? Why?” I needed to act as naturally as I could, despite the unusual way I was feeling.

“Because you’d look super cute! If your mom lets you go with me, I’ll take you shopping to find one!”

“I’m not so sure about that… Why are you so fine with everything? Aren’t you supposed to be mad at me for acting so poorly towards you?”

“Because I don’t care about that stuff. I told you before; I’m not going anywhere. If you want to talk to me then I’ll be here for you. If you want space, that’s fine as well. So, it’s okay if you feel like you can’t talk to me, I’ll be here whenever you feel like you can.”

She was such a strange person. Did she really want to be my friend that badly? Was it that hard for her to find friends who didn’t care about rumors? Whatever her reason, there was a warm feeling in my chest that I never felt before. It was foolish of me to have thought that I would ever be able to get over her. She was really sweet and obviously liked me, it was unfair how ideal she was.

“I don’t understand, why do you like me so much?”

“Hmm… I think you’ll figure it out eventually. Once you do, you can decide whether I’m a fool for being so stubborn.”

“What does that mean?”

“Who knows?” She giggled at her own wit, enjoying the inside joke that she shared with herself. “Well, unless you want to study with me, you should head home. We can hang out later if you want.”

“Oh… I should probably go home since I don’t have my books. You should come over for dinner, it’s been a while since you’ve done that.”

“And whose fault is that?” she asked with a cheeky smile.

“Sorry. I thought spending time apart would be a good thing, but I ended up missing your dumbass.”

“Ah, I missed your name calling. You really know how to make a girl happy.”

“Ugh, shut up. Don’t work too late, we’re having dinner at seven and you better be there.”

Before she could respond with another sarcastic quip, I hurried out of the library.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Where have you been this early in the morning?” Mom asked playfully the moment I walked through the door.

“I had breakfast with Sasaki-san.” It wasn’t a total lie, but it was significantly less embarrassing than telling her that I stalked my friend.

“I’m so happy you two are back to normal!”

“Umm, about that. Her aunt has a store by the beach and Sasaki-san said I could work there with her for a couple weeks. I can stay at their beach house with Sasaki-san so I wouldn’t need to commute. Would it be okay if I did that?”

“You are so lucky! I wish I had a friend with a beach house back in high school! Of course you can go, it’s your last summer of high school, you need to enjoy yourself a bit! And you’ll get to be with the girl you like, what could be better!?” Mom was more excited than I thought she’d be.

“But I would be working part-time, are you really okay with that?”

“Huh? It’d just be for a couple weeks, right? Go have fun, make some extra money, and spend time with that cutie. Oh! Will you be sharing a room with her!? Maybe you could put your futons next to each other! Ahhh! You may even get your first kiss!”

Mom was way too excited on my behalf. Perhaps it was because it was the first time I had asked to do something fun with one of my friends. Or maybe she really wanted me to get together with Sasaki-san. Based on her odd fantasy of me sleeping next to and kissing Sasaki-san, I deduced that she just wanted me to get together with my crush.

“She didn’t invite me to do anything like that. She’s just being nice because she knows I want to work over the summer. There’s no way she would want to do that kind of stuff with me.”

“Why wouldn’t she want to be all lovey dovey with you? You want to be with her like that, don’t you?” Mom’s behavior began to creep me out, especially with her smile that bore through my soul.

“Nope. I admit that I’m attracted to her, and that I’ve imagined the unlikely possibility of us becoming more than friends, but I’m not interested in anything physical like that.”

“That’s still something! My little girl is finally growing up!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Sasaki-san is coming over for dinner tonight, by the way. Once I let her know you’re letting me work with her, she’ll probably want to take me shopping for a swimsuit. Just the thought of her hanging around here more is giving me a migraine.”

“Your words are in direct contradiction to that smile plastered on your face!”

“Shut up, it’s not like that!”

Mom and I argued for the rest of the morning before she went back to bed. She was strangely into me being with Sasaki-san, smiling and encouraging me to go even further than I was comfortable. Even so, talking to her about Sasaki-san and hearing how supportive she was of Sasaki-san and I getting together, made me feel warm inside. Even though I had no intention in actually doing anything about my crush, it felt good to have Mom be happy for me.

After she went back to her room, I attempted to study for a while before I needed to make dinner. Unfortunately, my anxiety was running rampant. What kind of food was I going to make for her? What were we going to talk about? Would she stay after dinner to watch a movie? If she did, would we share the couch? She was apparently a cuddler, so if we shared a couch, would she try to cuddle with me!? If she did try something like that, would I be okay with it!? What if she wanted to stay the night!? We only had one futon, so where would she sleep!? What was I thinking!?

In an attempt to calm my mind, I decided to focus on figuring out what to make for dinner. It was the one thing I could control and, since it was her first time visiting for dinner in a while, I wanted to make something special for her. There was a strange part of me that wanted to impress her however I could.

Months of pondering my feelings had only led me to realize how much I repressed out of fear. While that fear wasn’t wholly gone, nor was it unjustifiable that I had it, I couldn’t continue lying to myself that I felt nothing for Sasaki-san. My discomfort with any physicality that was overtly sexual was still present. However, it was difficult to not acknowledge that I was extremely attracted to Sasaki-san.

Since we had class together, I would see her everyday and marvel at how pretty she was, despite her being a flashy gyaru. She wasn’t the most athletic person, but in P.E I would gawk at how good she looked with a ponytail. Just the thought of seeing her in a bikini, like Aoi-chan suggested, made my face flush from embarrassment.

There was a nagging thought in my head every time I felt uncomfortable about the idea of intimacy with her: She wasn’t him. On the contrary, she was extremely sweet and gentle, the kind of person who would never hurt someone on purpose. Anything she would do to me, if we somehow progressed to that point, would probably be an expression of her affection for me as opposed to a lust-driven attack.

With my mind wandering, I decided it would be best to go to the store to pick up ingredients for dinner. If sitting in the living area thinking of recipes wasn’t enough of a distraction, then I needed to get out of the house. It wasn’t too hot despite it being the middle of summer and there was a pleasant zephyr that took the edge off the heat of the sun’s rays.

My plan of distracting myself with shopping was almost immediately met with an obstacle. Dinner was already planned, and I had a list of the ingredients I needed. However, I had nothing for dessert. The choice of whether to buy a cake or attempt to bake one as well as cook dinner was weighing on me. She probably wasn’t expecting me to go all out for her, and if I did, she would surely suspect something.

It was easy to forget that I had no clue whether she would even consider dating a girl. She certainly liked to tease me, and I even felt like she was holding herself back, but that didn’t mean she was actually interested in me in that way. But if she didn’t like me in a romantic sense, it would be on me to make her think of me differently. As she was my first crush, I had no clue how to get someone to like me. Thus, the dessert conundrum I was facing.

Homemade baked goods showed affection and dedication to making something for someone. Store bought, on the other hand, was the safe and easy option. Since I was already making her dinner, baking a cake on top of that would be a challenge, especially if the cake didn’t come out perfectly on my first attempt.

After a long internal debate, I decided to go with the safe option and focus on making dinner perfectly. If I made a good cake but a subpar dinner, then I would’ve been exposed as an idiot who couldn’t prioritize the thing I used as an excuse to invite her over.

After weeks of reading girl love light novels and manga, I was familiar with the common relationship tropes. As such, while I was preparing ingredients for dinner, I thought about the fact that I was making dinner for the one I liked after she worked hard for hours. If I followed the tropes, I would’ve welcomed her by saying that cringy suggestive line: ‘welcome home dear. What would you like first - dinner, a bath, or me?’.

The thought of saying something so cringy was enough to nearly kill me from embarrassment. We weren’t even dating, nor was I prepared to offer my body to her. The fact I had such a shameful thought was evidence of my shifting views on things I once was vehemently against. Perhaps it was because of all the books I read, or maybe it was because the emotions were still new to me, but I was thinking more about Sasaki-san’s body than I was comfortable with.

When it was close to the time that I told her to come by, I began cooking dinner. The prep work had been done for a couple hours because of my anxieties about making everything perfect. Sasaki-san wasn’t picky, even so, I was nervous for some reason. The more I felt unfamiliar emotions and the anxiety that came with them, the more annoyed I became that I had them all.

Before I could succumb to yet another bout of anxiety, there was a knock at the door. The moment I had been stressing over for hours had finally come and I suddenly felt underdressed. My focus had been entirely on making the perfect meal that I forgot to make myself look cute! It was too late to shower or do my makeup, so I answered the door, fully aware of how disheveled I looked.

“Welcome.”