Most of my childhood was spent alone. Both of my parents prioritized their work, which meant I rarely saw them. They would order meals to last me a week and buy me all the most popular video games to keep me occupied. Because I was raised that way, I thought it was normal. It wasn’t until I started grade school that I realized that most people had parents who were around.

Every day I would come home to an empty house, eat my microwave dinner, and spend the rest of the night watching anime and playing games in my room. My lifestyle led to me becoming socially isolated and unable to relate to my peers. It was hard for me to make friends until I got into junior high.

Since I was a hardcore otaku, I knew that gyaru girls were popular and beautiful. The summer before junior high, I decided to use my glut of time to make myself the perfect gyaru. I believed that if I could pretend to be someone that people wanted to be around, then maybe I would eventually change into someone people cared about. No one ever wanted to be around me, not even my parents, so I thought that I needed to change who I was.

Becoming a gyaru proved to be just as effective as I hoped during my first year of junior high. For the first time in my life, people flocked to me and wanted to be around me. It didn’t matter that they only liked me because of my appearance, at least I wasn’t alone.

Throughout junior high, I received dozens of love letters and was confessed to countless times. However, I never accepted their affection since they only liked me because of how I looked. None of them cared about who I was on the inside, so it was easy for me to reject them. Perhaps I was naive, but I didn’t want to date someone who only cared about the gyaru side of me. That is, until I met Maku-kun the spring before high school.

Maku-kun and I met at an anime convention the spring before high school started. Because I kept my otaku side secret from everyone at school, I went to the convention sans the gyaru attire. It was the first time anyone had ever paid attention to me without me needing to put on an act. As such, when he asked me out, I happily agreed.

Maku-kun went to a different high school, but was extremely popular, even at other schools. We met up every weekend and would go on the kind of stereotypical dates that I read about in manga. Everything about being with him felt like a dream come true, he was almost too perfect. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only one who saw him that way.

A couple months after we started high school, I began hearing rumors about Maku-kun going out with girls other than me. Of course, Maku-kun denied it when I asked him about it, but I wasn’t convinced. After doing some searching on social media, I discovered that Maku-kun had multiple Insta accounts and each account had pictures of him with different girls.

The moment I learned of his cheating, I confronted him and dumped him on the spot. To him, I was nothing more than one of many, not special nor needed at all. He retaliated almost immediately, spreading rumors about me cheating on him so that no one would believe me if I tried to expose his true nature.

Not long after that, my friends from junior high cut me off and the rumors grew more and more elaborate as they spread throughout the school. After everything I did to fit in and make friends, even changing my personality to become more likable, it all went to ruin because of one guy. It was too late to reinvent myself a second time, so I was stuck with the gyaru persona and flashy attitude.

What hurt the most was that the person whom I thought liked me for who I actually was, turned out not to like me enough to be loyal. I started to believe that no one would ever like me, until Sato-san spoke up for me. He dismissed the rumors without a second thought and never treated me like I wasn’t worthy of his time.

For two years, I sat quietly in the corner, content to be the lonely gyaru who had an unrequited love for the nice boy in class. The thought never crossed my mind to ask him out, I had been burned once already and I was scared to take a chance. However, by the time I became a third-year, I made a resolution that I would work up the courage to talk to him and maybe become the kind of person he would like.

The first day of class came and I couldn’t help but overhear him talking to some girl I had never seen before. They talked like old friends, and I could feel the genuine affection the two had for each other. In some twist of fate, the girl whom I thought was the kind of girl he liked lived next door to the apartment I moved into over spring break.

That evening, I learned that her name was Sayaka Tanaka and that she was a very strange person. Her apartment was sparsely furnished with cheap furniture and minimal decorations, but there was a warmth to it that I never felt before. Our first encounter ended poorly because I let my gyaru personality get out of hand, which made her mad at me. Eventually though, we got closer, and she even agreed to help me get closer to Sato-san.

Just as I was beginning to feel confident that I could talk to Sato-san, Sayaka-chan said something that struck me to the core. She told me that I shouldn’t change myself to make other people happy. She already didn’t care about the rumors and freely spent time with me, but her insistence that I shouldn’t feel like I needed to change made me really happy. While she could be blunt and was regularly annoyed with me, she made it clear to me that, even if I had flaws, she truly liked me as a person.

She didn’t care about me being a gyaru and wasn’t at all bothered by my many flaws. Before I knew it, Sato-san was an afterthought and I had fallen for Sayaka-chan. Her gender didn’t matter to me, nor did her issues with romance and love, the only thing that mattered was that she accepted me for who I was.

Unfortunately, just as I was beginning to understand my feelings for her, she suddenly cut me off. She didn’t give me a reason, but I could tell that it wasn’t because she didn’t like me anymore. Even though it hurt at the time, I wasn’t dissuaded at all. She was the first person to ever tell me not to change myself for others, there was no way I was going to give up on her. She was the one person who I knew would never judge me and would always accept me.

The days I spent with her were the happiest of my life. She was short-tempered, dismissive, and quick to insult me, but she cared about me. When she came to my defense after a month of giving me the cold shoulder, it was the best feeling. She still cared about me, even after over a month of not talking or interacting, she hated to hear people belittle me. After that, there was absolutely no way I was going to give up on my feelings for her.

She was romance averse and cringed at the thought of any kind of physical intimacy, but I was willing to wait however long it took to be with her. Because with her, I would never be alone.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sayaka-chan had been acting strangely since we started talking again. She seemed more nervous and uncertain, not at all her usual grumpy self. The only thing that changed in that time period was that I had decided to devote myself to ensuring that she would understand that I wanted to be with her.

The most explicit sign that she changed was that she stalked me all the way to the library because she thought I had a secret boyfriend. It was a testament to her odd anxiety that someone she cut off was spending time with someone she didn’t know was enough to make her turn into a bumbling detective. Not only was I not allowed to be friends with her, but I also wasn’t allowed to have any friends that weren’t her. The strange possessiveness of someone she didn’t seem to want to be around was beyond confusing to me.

In addition to that, she refused to tell me why she ignored me. The only thing I got was that she was scared about something, but that didn’t explain anything. What could have scared her enough to make her stop talking to me? It was obvious from how she had been acting that she didn’t hate me, so it couldn’t have been something that I did to make her scared of me. Then again, she never said she was scared of me, perhaps it was something else that scared her.

The problem was that I had no clue what kind of thing could have scared her so much that she felt the need to avoid me. She never confessed to having any fears, and she was usually a strong-headed girl overall. She was typically emotionally flat, easily annoyed and quick to yell, but never nervous or shy. Suddenly, she was stuttering over her words and blushing over the silliest things. If she were anyone else, I would have assumed that she had feelings for me. However, I knew that she didn’t have those feelings and assuming that she did would only foolishly get my hopes up.

The most likely explanation for her behavior was me seeing things how I wanted to see them and attributing them to my own selfish desires. Perhaps I was too cynical, but I didn’t want to act on a misunderstanding. If I confessed my feelings for her and asked to be with her only to have her recoil in disgust, then all my work would have been for nothing. My top priority was to show her that I would be there for her in the long run, that I wouldn’t leave her behind after graduation.

The plan was to wait until after entrance exams to tell her that I wasn’t going to move away. The last thing I wanted was to tell her something like that and end up having to leave. Even if I did everything right, there was no guarantee that we would get into schools that were close by. Thus, I decided to hold off on telling her anything about my motivation for working so hard.

What was becoming more and more difficult to suppress was my urge to spend time with her. Since we weren’t on bad terms or anything, I felt like I wanted to spend everyday with her. However, I didn’t want to risk annoying her with my presence all the time like before. There was so much that I wanted to tell her, so many things I wanted to ask her, but I knew I couldn’t. If everything went according to my plans, I wouldn’t ask her out until after graduation, possibly even after we graduated from college.

Of course, every plan has its weaknesses, and my plan was full of them. Regardless, I wasn’t going to give up just because the odds were against me. And like all journeys, it could only be taken one step at a time. The first step was going to be critical, and I was already getting nervous about it.

It had been months since I had dinner at her place, and I was exceedingly nervous about it. Working hard on a goal was easy when I didn’t have to worry about interacting with her. Ironically, being apart from her made it easier to plan for a future with her. But no matter how nervous I was, I needed to suck it up and try my hardest to make a good impression.

The moment I knocked on her door, I felt a rush of anxiety. When I saw her earlier that morning, I nearly swooned from how unfairly adorable she looked. Not too long ago I was totally into guys, but Sayaka-chan converted me and I wasn’t looking back. She was cuteness incarnate, like a prickly hedgehog who secretly just wanted to be cuddled. Or, at least, that’s what I wanted to believe.

“Welcome,” she greeted me awkwardly.

Her cheeks were bright red, her hair was slightly disheveled, and she was wearing an apron as if she forgot it was there. In short, she was super cute!

“Thanks for having me,” I answered calmly as I entered the humble apartment.

The savory aroma of Sayaka-chan’s cooking enveloped my senses, it was a familiar scent that I had been missing. She was a brilliant cook, and while I loved her for more than just her domestic skills, I would have been lying if I said I didn’t want to eat her food for the rest of my life.

“How did your studying go,” she asked to break the ice.

“Pretty good so far! I’m still struggling with English, but I’m making solid progress. What about you, Sayaka-chan? What have you been up to so far this summer?”

“Meditating,” she replied immediately as if she had been waiting for me to ask. “H-hey, Sasaki-san, I have some questions about working with you this summer.”

“Lay ‘em on me!”

“S-so, how long would we be working every day? Y’know, like, would we have free time to do other stuff,” she stuttered out awkwardly.

“We’ll probably just help out with prep work and the lunch rush, so we’d have afternoons and evenings off. And it’s not like we’ll be working every day, we’d have a couple days off. Why? Is there something you want to do there?”

Sayaka-chan didn’t come off as the kind of person that enjoyed the beach. It was hard to imagine her building sandcastles or frolicking through the waves. The closest I could get was her reading under an umbrella while she ignored everyone around her.

“Not really, I was just wondering if I really needed a swimsuit. I’m not a great swimmer and I would probably just hold you back from having fun.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it! As long as you’re there, I’ll have a blast! We’ll get you one because I forbid you from wearing your schooled issued suit. Don’t worry, I won’t make you wear a bikini if you don’t want to.”

Her cheeks somehow became even redder at the mention of bikinis. I knew she was shy, and not overly interested in physical stuff, so the idea of showing more skin than necessary probably made her uncomfortable. As much as I wanted to see her in cute frilly bikini, I wasn’t going to push my luck and get greedy.

“T-thanks… W-will you wear a bikini, Sasaki-san?”

“Yup! I’m not ashamed of my body, plus it’ll super sunny there and I want to get a nice tan. Why do you ask?”

Her eyes grew at the news that I was going to be wearing a bikini. Her face became the epitome of bright red and she quickly covered her face with her hand. If I knew she was going to react like this, I would have told her sooner! How was it possible that she could get even cuter!?

This exchange was yet another example of her recent odd behavior. A couple months ago, she wouldn’t have cared what I was going to wear. Now, she was stumbling over her words while she appeared to overheat from embarrassment. Even though the Sayaka-chan I fell in love with was the cold and sharp-tongued version of her, I quite liked this new bumbling Sayaka-chan.

“J-just wondering… I’m sure you’ll attract the attention of a lot of guys. Y-your body is objectively very, umm, alluring.”

Alluring!? Homegirl said what!? Was she really that jealous of my body!? I knew she was self-conscious of her appearance, especially because her mom was a stunner, but I didn’t think she was that envious! Sayaka-chan was short, wore glasses, and had long black hair that flowed down to her lower back. She was the embodiment of a studious and hardworking teen, but that’s what made her even cuter in my eyes!

“Heho! Are you suggesting that you like my body? What specifically!? Do you wanna feel my boobs or something!? I’m not very toned, but my butt is jiggly!”

“…I’ll be back in a minute,” she blurted as she rushed to the bathroom.

“She’s even more entertaining than before,” I snickered to myself. “I wonder which part was too much for her. Ehh, then again, she’s sex averse so the whole premise of the conversation may have been pushing it. Oh well. At least I learned she likes my body.”

Five minutes later, Sayaka-chan finally emerged from the bathroom looking a bit less flustered. She was obviously trying to pretend that nothing happened or that it was just a misunderstanding, but I wasn’t that easy to trick. Body envy was common for girls our age, and since I was more gifted in some areas, it’s only natural that she would have some jealousy.

“Let’s have dinner before it gets cold,” she declared without looking at me.

“Yes! Sayaka-chan’s cooking is the best! I’m so happy I get to taste this divine food again!”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” she retorted, still averting her eyes. “So, umm, I realized that I don’t really know that much about you. Like, what do you do for fun? Do you have any siblings? Are you over Sato-san?”

Eh!? What was this!? She was taking the initiative and asking questions about my personal life!? She must have really wanted to be my friend! She wasn’t the most socially aware person and was a bit awkward and stiff to talk to, which was why she didn’t have many friends. Aoi-chan and her met in junior high, so she probably didn’t know how to make new friends! That had to be it! Nothing else would have explained her strange questioning and nervousness!

“I’m a closeted otaku; like, I’m really into manga and anime! I also really like video games, especially shooters! Not to brag, but I usually have the best KDR in my squad. I’m an only child, and I never had a close relationship with my parents. But I kept myself busy! And I’ve been over Sato-san ever since that first pseudo-date that you helped set up. After being with him like that, I realized there was something else I was looking for. Why are you suddenly curious about me?”

“No reason, I just wanted to learn a bit more about the person I’ll soon be living with for a couple weeks. At least we won’t be sharing a bed,” she said as she reverted back to her blunt personality.

“You’re right… We’ll just take out baths together,” I implied suggestively, trying to get her to turn into a tomato once again.

“W-why would we do that?”

Success! It was almost too easy to make her blush. Just at the suggestion of seeing me naked was enough to get a rise out of her. Then again… If we took a bath together, she’d also be naked… My mind was about to implode at the thought.

“Why not? We’re both girls after all, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But I’ll have mercy on you this time. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable.”

“Your existence makes me uncomfortable,” she grumbled under her breath.

“What was that? You want to fondle my breasts in the bath? That’s so lewd, Sayaka-chan!”

“Ah! I-I didn’t say anything like that! Grrr! When did you become such a bully!? You dumb, dumb, dummy,” she shouted in embarrassment. “If you’re just going to tease me the entire time, I won’t go to the beach with you.”

“So, I can still tease you sometimes? Can I get a set schedule of times that are appropriate for teasing?”

“You’re teasing me again! Is this payback for me giving you the silence treatment for a month?”

“Pffft, no way! I’m just in a good mood because I’m with Sayaka-chan!”

Admittedly, I was being cutesy, but I couldn’t help it. She was so goofy and easily embarrassed that it was hard to control myself from doing things to see a progressively cuter side of Sayaka-chan. My waiting had not been in vain, this girl was who I wanted to be with. There was no doubt in my mind; she was the one who made me happy.

“And to think, I bought a cake as a way to apologize for being so cruel to you. I’m beginning to think that I was right to ignore you.”

“Is that so,” I queried with an eyebrow raised. “Then why don’t you tell me to leave? If you’re that sick of talking with me, why not kick me out? Could it be that you’re actually having fun talking with me?”

“It’s more entertaining than sitting alone every night, but you still get on my nerves.”

“Because I’m a silly gyaru, right? What if I dyed my hair back to its natural color and wore less makeup and dressed properly, would you no longer like talking to me?”

While I phrased it as a joke, I was genuinely worried about how she would answer. She told me that I shouldn’t change for others, and she said she didn’t mind how I was, but did that mean if I were to change, she’d no longer like me? To her, I was probably nothing more than a reprieve from her normal life. Perhaps she liked the gyaru part of me because it reminded her of her mom. If I changed to become the kind of person she wouldn’t be annoyed by, would she think less of me?

“Do you think your appearance defines your personality,” she replied seriously.

“But you don’t like my personality! Haha! Seriously, why do you want to spend time with me if I annoy you so much?”

She went quiet at that question, even though I asked it while laughing. That was something else about her that I liked, she always took me seriously, even when I was joking. It’s like she could see through my attempts to brush off my insecurities as nothing important. A part of me wondered whether she knew about the person I really was or if she was blissfully unaware of all the things I thought about inside. Could she tell that I was trying my hardest to be the kind of person she would be proud to be with? Could she tell that everything I did was to ensure that I could be with her in the future? Could she tell that I was desperately in love with her?

“Because you don’t have anything to gain by hanging around me, yet you want to anyway. Most people are put off by my personality, and I don’t exactly fit in anywhere. I’m not stylish or pretty, and I don’t have the kind of things most people our age has. Really, there’s no reason for someone like you to be friends with me. Even after I was so cruel and ignored you, you were happy when I finally spoke to you. I suppose I like your personality because you don’t see me like everyone else does, and you seem to enjoy being around me.”

That… Was a lot more thoughtful of an answer than I expected. It was like she thought about that very question before and was just repeating her conclusions out loud. But it definitely made two things clear to me: first, that she wanted me in her life; and second, that I could change as long as I stayed by her side.

However, there was something strange about how she was talking to me. She never opened up about her feelings before, what changed in the time she ignored me? Did something happen that made her more willing to share things with me? That didn’t really make sense though; what could happen that would make her want to open up to someone she wasn’t even talking to? Sayaka-chan’s behavior was becoming more and more confusing the longer I talked with her.

“You like me that much, eh,” I suggested in an attempt to lighten the mood again. “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate your kind words, but weren’t you the one saying that you didn’t want to get emotionally invested with someone who may move away after graduation?”

“T-that’s true. However, I think it would be fine to spend whatever time we have left as friends instead of feigning to be strangers.”

“Uh-huh. And what’ll you do if I end up not moving? Will I be promoted to best friend or is that title reserved by Aoi-chan?”

“She’s more like an older sister than a friend at this point. She’s always fussing over me, but that’s why I like her. She doesn’t allow anyone to bully me, but she’s suspicious about anyone who tries to get closer to me because she doesn’t want me to get hurt. So, the title of best friend is technically available, but aren’t those labels a bit silly?”

“Fair enough, I suppose. Aoi-chan seems like a good friend, and I’m guessing she has a good reason to be cautious of anyone getting close to you. I know that she hates me, I honestly don’t understand what I did, but she doesn’t bother me.”

“Ah. Good. I’ll grab the cake,” she blurted out as she rushed over to the kitchen, desperately hiding her blushing cheeks.

Did I say something that would make her embarrassed? It felt like a random time to get flustered, but perhaps she liked what I said about her friend. That had to have been it! She was probably stressed over her two friends not getting along, and hearing that I didn’t dislike Aoi-chan made her happy!

“Where’s your mom? Is she working tonight,” I asked in an attempt to change the subject.

“Yeah, but she should be home around midnight, which is early for her. She’s an amazing person, honestly. She lost so much because of me, yet she doesn’t care about anything other than me. She lost her parents and had to make a life for herself without anyone to help her. Somehow, she was able to provide everything I needed without resorting to things that other people in her position would. Even after working nonstop for 18 years, she’s still just as cheery and light-hearted as she was before I was born.”

“I can understand why you love her so much. I kind of look up to her, despite how immature she can be. She’s quite young, has she every thought about dating again?”

“No,” Sayaka-chan replied immediately. Her entire mood seemed to shift over a pretty innocuous question. “She doesn’t want to date anymore.”

“Alright, I was just asking. I’m sure she wants to spend all her free time with you, anyway. You seem to be a favorite of annoying gals, aren’t you lucky?”

“You’re nothing like my mom,” she shot back, still in a sour mood.

“Uh, I wasn’t trying to be like her, it was just a joke… Do you want me to leave? I really didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s fine… Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. Let’s watch a movie while we eat our cake.”

“Yeah, that sounds great!”

The night went by without anything out of the ordinary occurring, yet my mind was stuck on what happened earlier. Everything had been going so well. She was opening up about her feelings and feeling comfortable with me, but that mood ended the moment I asked about her mom. Sato-san mentioned that something happened when Sayaka-chan was in junior high that changed her, perhaps something happened with her mother.

If her mother had a bad boyfriend, or if she saw her mother dating as trying to replace her, it would make sense why she would be against her mother dating. It would also explain why she was adamantly against romantic relationships. However, there was no way to confirm my suspicion. Apparently, not even Aoi-chan knew what happened, so the only way to find out would be asking directly.

Based on her response, asking Sayaka-chan would be the worst thing I could do. If just asking an innocent question about her mother was enough to ruin her mood, then asking her directly may make her cut me off entirely. Her mom probably wouldn’t react as negatively, but I got the feeling that she wouldn’t tell me anything. The bond between them was extremely strong, so Tanaka-san would know better than to blab about something that her daughter was tightlipped about.

In the end, it was probably best not to dig any deeper into the situation. Sayaka-chan would tell me eventually if it was something I needed to know, but I didn’t want to betray her trust and look into it behind her back. It was none of my business, I was just her friend and next-door neighbor, I wasn’t her therapist or anything.

That night, as I stared up at my ceiling from my bed, I repeatedly went over the events of that evening. There was so much that happened that made me hopeful, and I couldn’t help but smile at the memory of her blushing face. However, all I did was make her anxious, embarrassed, and then annoyed. Next time, I would focus on making her happy.