The events of that evening played on repeat in my head for what felt like forever as I tried to fall asleep. The disturbance severely cut in on my precious rest, which meant I was tired from the moment I woke up. It’s not like I could pretend that it never happened. The image was permanently burned into the inside of my eyelids so that I saw it every time I closed my eyes.

Fortunately, Sasaki-san was adept at pretending that nothing happened. Throughout the walk to the restaurant, dinner, and the walk back to the apartment, she didn’t speak a word of what had happened. Gyaru were a curious lot, a group that I knew a great deal about due to my mother, but I still didn’t understand all of their peculiarities. Exposing too much skin for my taste was on par for their typical behavior, but I wasn’t sure whether they were overly comfortable with people seeing them fully exposed.

On the other hand, I was the furthest thing away from a gyaru, and as such I was horrified at the idea of her seeing me without a shirt. Of course, that had a lot to do with the fact that I was in love with her, and I was suddenly conscious of the disparity between our bodies. The main issue was whether or not she was interested in girls in general, but I would be remiss to totally disregard my physical appearance.

If she was interested in dating someone of the same gender, then she’d probably have a type that she was attracted to. Since she had dated boys in the past, it was possible that she would only be attracted to androgenous girls as opposed to the girly types. It’s not like I was willing to chop my hair off to get her attention, but it was something my overly analytical brain ruminated on.

By the time my alarm went off that morning, I had barely slept, and my head felt as if it was filled with fog. The only consolation was that it was a day off for Sasaki-san and I. However, that also meant that we would undoubtedly go to the beach with the intention of swimming instead of just walking. That left me in a very awkward position. There was no way to easily excuse myself from spending the day with her without causing suspicion that I was still affected by the events of the previous night. Nor could I just suggest doing something else when the main attraction of the area was its beaches.

One way or another I would end up on the beach with my bikini-wearing crush. While it wasn’t nearly as bad after seeing what was underneath, it still wasn’t an ideal situation for me. The thought popped into my head that perhaps it wouldn’t be such a good idea for us to live together after graduating. If I couldn’t make it a couple of days without falling into a void of pure anxiety, how would I survive living with her?

That thought brought a whole other wave of anxiety with it: what was I going to do after graduating? Before Sasaki-san entered my life, I had been staunchly opposed to furthering my education. After meeting her though, I began to question whether I was really okay being just another line-cook without much chance of advancement. Mom had been against the idea the whole time, but she was the only person I ever cared about, so it made sense in my mind that I’d give up my future to make her happy. But if she wouldn’t be happy that I put my future on hold, and Sasaki-san was willing to support me wherever I went, then maybe going to college wasn’t a bad option after all.

“Wake up,” Sasaki-san yelled from outside my door. “We’re going to the beach today, so you should wear your suit underneath your clothes.”

“Okay,” I called in response.

The swimsuits that I picked out were all relatively plain, solid colors and minimal patterns, with just one exception, which was a little cutesier than I preferred. The reason I bought something I wouldn’t typically choose for myself was simple: I wanted to see how Sasaki-san reacted. Since I was still reeling from the events of the night before, I decided not to push myself any more than necessary and went with one of my plainer suits.

Once my suit was on and covered by my shorts and T-shirt, I went to the kitchen to make breakfast. To my surprise, I found Sasaki-san expertly folding over eggs to from perfect omelets. Just how long did she practice cooking to be able to do that with ease!?

“Good morning, Sayaka-chan! You came out just in time for my super special omelet rice!”

“What makes it so special,” I asked in my usual cold tone.

“It’s made with love! …and chicken stock. I’m sure the chicken stock tastes better though,” she giggled at her own form of humor.

“Since when are you so good at cooking?”

“Hmm… Well, even though you like cooking, I don’t think it would be fair to expect you to cook every meal for me when we live together. If you get into culinary school, you’ll need a break once in a while, and I don’t want to be completely useless.”

The subject of us living together seemed to keep coming up. I dared not ask why she was so insistent that we live together after graduation. There was no guarantee that we’d get into schools close to each other’s, or that both of us passed our exams to get in. Theoretically, if I failed and she passed, would she really give up her future prospects just to live near me? Wouldn’t she just come to resent me if she gave up all her dreams just so we wouldn’t be apart?

“You shouldn’t prepare for something that isn’t even happening yet, if ever. Besides, you know I don’t mind taking care of cooking and chores. I’ve been taking care of Mom for years, so I’m used to caring for someone.”

My voice was cold and even, a drastic improvement from the stuttering fool I became whenever I viewed more of her than expected. There was still a part of me that hoped that my feelings would disappear, that I could go back to seeing her as nothing more than my troublesome neighbor. The feelings I felt for her were new to me, and made me extremely uncomfortable, even if they weren’t inherently bad.

“Excuse me for being excited about living with my friend,” she replied sarcastically. “I’ve never lived with anyone before, and I don’t want to be a bad roommate.”

“Being excited is one thing, but you seem to be only focused on that aspect of your future and not anything about what you want to do with your life. It’s fine if you want to be near me, but is that all you want to do in your life?”

“Hmm… I see what you’re saying. I’m not particularly good at anything, nor am I passionate about academia. My future has always had the same outlook: to live off of my parents’ wealth until I figure out what to do. They’ve never really been interested in me, nor had any real expectations for my post-graduation life. They would react the same way to me becoming a lawyer as they would if I got a job as a waitress.”

“That’s just depressing. In any case, you should think a bit about what you want to go to college for other than to live with me. Who knows, maybe you’ll find something you’re passionate about enough to pursue it as a career. By then, you’d have more than just me to drive you, and you may even make more friends. By the time we graduate college, you’d be ready to live on your own and not worry about following wherever I go.”

The words were hollow and only spoken out of a strange sense of obligation. It would’ve been selfish of me to want her to be wholly interested in me after four years of college. She was pretty and worked hard towards the things she was passionate about. If we moved to a city where no one knew anything about the dumb rumors, she’d surely become popular in no time. The only reason she stuck to me like glue was because I was the first person to not judge her and accepted her as she was. If she met other people who did the same, then there would be nothing about me that was special to her anymore. That thought alone was enough to make me resolute to savor the time I had with her, and hope that her feelings for me would blossom into more than just friendship.

“Don’t be silly, Sayaka-chan. Even if I had a career and a dozen friends, I’d still want you in my life.”

“Uh-huh, whatever you say, blondie. Come on, let’s clean up and head to the beach. Ah. But please make sure you remember to wear your bikini top; I don’t want a repeat of last night on the beach.”

“Ah! Why did you have to bring that up!? I’m embarrassed enough, why do you have to rub it in,” she pouted like a whining child.

“You’re the idiot who sat in the living room without a shirt. I need to be extra cautious around you from now on. Sexual harassment is a crime, you know.”

She whined and cried the whole walk to the beach. It was amusing, especially because it distracted me from my embarrassment from the night before. However, as we neared the sandy coast, the reality of what was about to happen began to sink in. Not only would I be exposed to Sasaki-san in a bikini, but I’d have to ignore the lustful gazes that perverted boys would undoubtedly cast her way.

My foot sank into the sand, heated up by sun’s unrelenting rays, and our first day at the beach officially began.