Full Fathom Zero
Marnie was going to into shock.
Theo stood dripping over her body. He watched a tremor spread out from beneath her jean shorts, silent ripples coursing under her sugar-sprinkled skin. The sand particles rose and fell in place like buoys. Her tangled hair made a mess of brown roots, grasping her face—her chapped lips, her bruised cheek, her fluttering eyelids—then they ventured to the earth beyond and fanned out across the white beach. The ice water sea droned behind them, its smacks and sizzles indomitable to any noise that might challenge it. The only evidence of her short breath was the quick, rhythmic shimmer on her soaked shirt.
It was going to get worse. Soon the tremors would become spasms. It would start in her hands and feet, then make its way to her lungs, then her heart. Then the spasms would stop.
When the water breached the cabin and swallowed all the air and light, the cold burned into Theo’s body so deep, so fast that it stopped all thought. Floating in the dark, he felt nothing. It was so cold he lost all sensation. If that could happen to a thirty-five-year-old mage in good health, it’s natural it triggered such an intense reaction in his eight-year-old Marnie. Theo could treat her symptoms, but not the cause. Exposure to the cold water of the Northern Pacific triggered this, but the real problem was Marnie’s mana. The uncontrollable, furious mana in every cell of her body.
“It’s similar to a form of cancer. Your everyday mage has an affinity to one or more molecular structures or elements, sometimes even a specific isotope—
“Like deuterium.”
Marnie’s doctor nodded. “But in Marnie’s case…”
Theo’s eyes widened. “She doesn’t have an affinity.”
“There’s more to it. Though rare, there are mages whose bodies can process raw mana. They have a harder time practicing magic, but they can do it if there is enough raw mana available. You see, your daughter’s body can’t process it. She collects mana from her surroundings like every mage, but her body won’t process it. Without an affinity, her cells are rejecting it. The longer she’s alive, she’ll have more and more outbursts. Most likely, she’ll die of distributive shock. There are medications we can consider, but there are no cures at this…
Of course, Mar’s meds were a mile out and a mile down now.
The water slithered up and licked Theo’s ankles through his soggy sneakers. They couldn’t stay here.
He looked up the slope of the beach and saw nothing but pitted charcoal boulders and clumps of ice. Theo bent down and scooped up his daughter’s shivering body. She was so much heavier than normal. He waddled up the embankment, weaving through rocks and boulders. It was a serious chore. At every step, his shoes squelched deep into the loose sand. The wet denim and beach grit chaffed his skin, cutting into his joints. He could feel the salt was starting to crystallize on his face.
When they reached the top of the hillside, icy wind blasted through to his bones. His face and hands burned. The air scraped his ears, fumbling around like a broken speaker, so loud he couldn’t hear the ocean anymore. Before his eyes lay a sloppy graveyard of gray rocks, sucked dry of their volcanic heat a million years ago. Beyond them, the dark empty expanse of the Pacific Ocean. The sun held its warmth tight, sulking on the horizon, away from the clouds that dominated the sky and washed out all the color below.
Theo searched for a decent spot to lay Marnie down. He didn’t have time to be picky. He spied a smoothed out hollow beneath a clump of larger boulders. It must have been home to some kind of tundra—who gives a shit!
The spasms were starting.
Theo layed her down haphazardly and immediately tore off her shoes, then her socks.
Her knee kicked air.
Bits of clothing jumped all around. The wet clothes would only make hypothermia more likely. He’d get them later.
Marnie’s entire body was jerking about now.
Theo rubbed his palms together roughly to warm them up, then placed one to Marnie’s heart and the other firm against the side of her neck. He closed his eyes.
Feel the heart throb. The blood flow to the beat. Oxygen bouncing between red donuts. The storm of mana raging against capillary walls.
Marnie quaked and seized. Her lungs had stopped, and her—
Focus. Find the oxygen. Peel open the hemoglobin. Careful! Careful. Slowly. Free the oxygen. Not too many—she still needs to breathe.
Let in the mana, just a bit.
A bit more.
More.
Okay. The oxygen is moving too fast. Angry. Hot. Don’t let go. Control it. Push it out.
Fuck! Slow down, dammit.
Out through the skin. Slowly. Push it steady.
Steady.
There.
Theo opened his eyes. His daughter was breathing softly now, her body calm, goosebumps popping up here and there from the cold. He watched her intensely. He had to be sure.
Steam wafted off her skin for a long while, rising just a few inches above before it was eaten by the frigid atmosphere. Every once in a while, a tiny spark popped in the air as raw mana fused with the oxygen and the resulting energy burst into heat. Centuries ago, oxygen mages like Theo were misunderstood as sorcerers of flame because of how easily oxygen burns.
Eventually, the vapor faded completely. He checked her heart rate. It was fine. The tremors hadn’t resurfaced. Marnie would be okay—for now. Theo guessed she’d wake in an hour or so.
It wasn’t time to rest yet. There was more daylight up here during summer, but the sun would set at some point. Theo stood up and stretched out his back. He used his mana to push out the water from his hair, his clothes, his shoes. When he was dry, he stepped up next to one of the boulders that sheltered Marnie from the wind.
Luckily, Theo also had an affinity with carbon. And there was plenty of carbon in this volcanic rock. He reached out and touched the stone, drew out the carbon and realigned them into nanotubes, then dragged a sheet out of the rock’s surface. He crafted a curved wall and encircled Marnie with it, leaving an opening about two feet wide for a doorway. The crystalline structure of the carbon was nearly as tough as diamond, so it would serve as a decent shelter. It hadn’t rained or snowed yet. Theo figured he’d make a roof if it came up. Otherwise, he wouldn’t bother.
Next, he formed charcoal pellets out of the ground and tossed them into a pile in the center. After he lit a fire, he collected his daughter’s clothes and dried them before dressing her. He wished he could make a bed or blankets, but he didn’t have the skill or the affinities for such a thing.
All their luggage was gone. Marnie only had a thin hoodie and jean shorts, so he shook off his winter coat from his shoulders and draped it over her. Exhausted and hungry, Theo sat down, hugged his knees and stared into the fire.
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It was too fucking quiet!
Thoughts began to float gently in through the walls—he could feel them coming.
It started softly.
It was just him and Marnie now. All those people. How many fit in a plane? A hundred fifty? Two hundred? Not a single one woke up. How did this happen?
Theo couldn’t fathom it.
No.
He could. It was just more of the same—the same damn story since Rachel. Five years, now. Marnie was only three. Maybe it was better it happened when it did. Rachel was barely a blurry face in Marnie’s mind at this point. Yes, it was better this way.
Then Marnie had her first episode. In the beginning, they were months apart, but the attacks came faster and faster and worse and worse. Theo spent weeks, months, sleeping on hospital couches, left alone with the silence and his sleeping baby girl.
Why? They were so close. They were so. Fucking. Close.
Theo was forced to take any job he could find—constantly fired for taking too many personal days to care for Marnie. The best paying jobs for a mage like Theo were in the military, but he wouldn’t have the time for Marnie if he had taken one. It killed him inside, but for Marnie’s sake he went to his parents for grocery money. Twice. Three times. Ten times. Just thinking ab—
Theo’s lungs burned. He realized he’d been holding his breath. He forced himself to breathe in.
Breathe out.
He found an experimental treatment, in Russia. A surgery to replace the organs responsible for collecting mana in people with Marnie’s condition. A light. A maybe. Finally, a maybe.
Their application was rejected.
And rejected.
And rejected.
And rejected.
Then they made the list. It was a miracle! Theo was ninety thousand in debt, but it was possible. Just maybe. Maybe.
The surgery was free, but she had to stay in the hospital for five months for recovery. Five months in a foreign country without a job, plus plane tickets. It was a lot of money. So he saved, and he borrowed.
Then the visas were held up. Theo spent hours on the phone getting it resolved. He was connected to one person, who sent him somewhere else, then connected to someone else, who sent him back to the first person he called. Around and around, back and forth, over and over. He got the paperwork in the mail two days before they got on the plane.
And now…
There was no rest, never any rest. Theo had to hold it together, always together, always strong—no matter what new impossible cliff awaited them. If Theo let go, if he allowed himself to be weak, he’d break.
He knew it.
He knew.
He knew it like he knew the feeling of oxygen in his lungs and carbon in his cells.
Theo was running out. There was nothing left. It was coming. Soon, he’d snap in two from this pressure. He’d crack and then both of them would die out here. He didn’t give a shit about dying anywhere. But Marnie…
It was sick. Cruel. Disgusting that she’d come so far to meet this absurd hell.
Why was everything so hard? What do I do, Rachel? What the fuck should he do on an ice cube in the middle of the fucking arctic with nothing but clothes? Use magic? Magic was a joke. All it was good for was killing people. Killing people and pretending.
He was going to die. First, Mar would die and then Theo would die. He’d been dying so long he didn’t even feel it. Things were so far away. He was so deep inside himself, looking out through a stranger's body. It wasn’t real anymore. It just was.
“Mm. Owww.” Marnie was waking up.
Theo shut his eyes tight. He’d been staring into the fire too long and they stung like hell. He pushed his eyelids in with his fingers to rub out the pain, then looked over at his daughter.
No. Giving up isn’t good enough. I can do this. I’ve gotta keep going. For Mar.
She sat up and shook her head. “What happened? What’s going on?” Her eyes were bloodshot. The bruise on her cheek was starting to purple.
“We’re on an island. The plane crashed into the water.”
“Oh.”
She sat for a moment, processing. It was probably too much to grasp, such a violent shift in her reality. Her eyes flickered around the room, then back to Theo.
“Dad? Where are all the people?”
Theo felt the question squeeze his chest. “They’re gone, Mar.”
Marnie stared at the air between them. “Like, dead?”
“Yeah.” Theo watched her eyebrows slowly relax. She looked so far away. Alone.
I’m right here, Mar. I’m not going anywhere.
“Where’s the plane? Is it out there?”
Theo shook his head. “No. It sank in the water. It’s just me and you.”
“What do we do now?”
Good question. What the hell should they do? What could they do?
“Dad?”
“I’ll find us some food and we’ll wait. The Coast Guard will be looking for us.” He put up a flimsy smile. “They’ll find us. We just have to wait, okay?”
She straightened her back and leaned forward on her hands. “We can’t call them and tell them where we are?”
“My phone’s in the plane.”
“What about magic? You could, I don’t know, like send a message through the air.” Her eyebrows were wrinkled and lumpy again. “Can’t you?”
Theo shook his head.
“Well, have you tried? You have to try before you just give up.”
“I’m sorry, Mar. That’s not how magic works.”
Marnie frowned as if she didn’t believe him. As if, should she frown long enough, she’d think of something he hadn’t. Marnie sank back into her sitting position with Theo’s jacket over her lap. Her shoulders slumped and she lazily looked around the room, though there wasn’t much to discover.
Her dad. A quiet flame in the center. Salt and pepper sand spread thin across the stone floor. Silhouettes of small rocks in odd shapes here and there, projecting wobbly specters against the walls in the firelight. High walls encircling them. A hole in the roof.
“Hey, Dad! Look! Stars!”
Theo strained his neck to find thousands of specks peeking in through the roof. Most of their glory was washed out by the scattered light of the fire in front of him. He’d never seen the aurora. Neither had Marnie.
She hopped around the fire. “Can we go see? I never get to see stars at home!”
It’s hard to see much of anything from a hospital bed.
“Mar, it’s way too cold outside right now, and you’re wearing shorts.”
“Oh, come on! I’ll just go out for a minute. I can go out for just a minute, right?”
“You just had another episode. You need to lie down and sleep.”
Marnie’s shoulders fell and she flung her head back, mouth open like a chicken in the rain. “Uugggghhh!” She stomped back to her place next to the wall and leaned her back against it. “You always do this. I never get to do anything!”
She glared at him. Whenever she did that, all he could see was Rachel. They had the same eyes. Eyes that went on forever. Whenever Rachel gave him that look, Theo knew he was going to lose. Dammit.
If he lost Marnie too, what was he going to do? He couldn’t carry around another one. It’d destroy him. Maybe he was already beyond repair.
“Okay.”
Marnie’s face lit up. She cracked that same mischievous smile.
“Okay. Fi—
BOOM. What the hell? It wasn’t raini—
BOOM. It was even louder that time. Closer.
BOOM. BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM.
Theo ran out of the shelter and looked where the sounds had come from. All he could see was a pool of moonlight floating on the water in the distance. The rest was black, empty except for the crashing of the black sea and the icy whistling of black wind.
He stood in the cold for a while, trying to find the source of the noise. Maybe, another plane crash? No, that was crazy.
“What was that, Dad? What’s out there?” Marnie shuffled out behind Theo, wrapped in his winter coat. “Woah. It really is like super cold!”
“Marnie, go back inside!”
“What for? I’m fiiiine.”
“Just go.”
Theo looked around a second time while his eyes adjusted to the darkness.
Wait, just there. The white tail of a small plane slid into the water in the distance. And an orange spot bobbed in the waves.
A survivor!
“Wow. Those stars are so pretty!”
Theo strained his eyes. It was a girl, maybe thirteen? She looked unconscious. That water had to be below zero. Even in a life vest, she’d die if she didn’t get out of that water now. Theo took off toward the ocean.
“Dad? Dad! Where are you going?!”
Theo slurped the hot water out of a makeshift cup crafted from carbon. It was a poor breakfast, but at least it was warm. He set the cup down on the floor.
“Here, let me get you more.” Marnie took the cup next to their newest member, poured out the cold water onto the ground outside, then walked to the bowl above the fire and refilled it with fresh water. It was an almost completely empty gesture, but Marnie probably felt helpless seeing the redheaded girl in front her refuse to utter a word or acknowledge they existed.
After Theo brought the unconscious girl to shore, she woke up with a start and started screaming and yelling. After looking around a while and realizing what happened, all the light left her eyes. She’d been an empty shell ever since.
Theo had brought her to the shelter and dried her off, then heated her clothes and hair with magic to ward off hypothermia. After that, he made a pot, some cups, and collected a couple gallons of seawater. He removed the salt with mana, then boiled it to kill any bacteria.
They all sat around the fire drinking water while the sun rose. In the meantime, Marnie had tried everything an eight-year-old could think of to coax the girl back to the present, but failed. It was just too much. Chances were she had just lost her parents. Maybe she watched them die.
Marnie handed the new cup to the girl, and she accepted it, but that was all. Marnie stayed on her feet and leaned against the wall.
“So, uh. I’m Marnie.”
Nothing.
“You can call me Mar though. And that’s Dad. You can call him Theo. It’d be weird if you called him Dad, too. Heh heh… heh.”
Beneath her long orange curls, the light reflected in the girl’s eyes wasn’t the light of the fire warming her face. She was somewhere else—somewhere dark, wet, and freezing. Theo had spent quite a lot of time somewhere similar over the last five years.
He reached out and touched her shoulder. “Drink.”
She looked up at Theo.
“Even if you have to force yourself, you gotta drink. You need the fluids, and it’s very cold outside. I know we don’t have any food yet, but you need to be warm and hydrated first or you’ll pass out before I can feed you.”
She stared at the cup for a minute, then brought it to her lips and took a sip.
What comes next? Damn. Fishing, I guess?
Theo reeled at the task before him. What the fuck was he going to do with no supplies and two kids on a frozen rock in the middle of the ocean?
“Synecdoche.”
“What?”
“Synecdoche. That's my name.” She finally spoke.
“Nice to meet you, Synecdoche. I'm Theo.”
“People call me Syn. But Todd says—
She fell back inside.
Shit.
Marnie came to the rescue. “Syn? I like it! You have a super cool name, Syn!”
Synecdoche snapped out of it. “Oh, yeah. Thanks, uh…”
“Mar. Just call me Mar, okay?”
“Sure, okay. Mar.”
Theo took the chance while all three of them were present. “We need to do something about our situation while there is still daylight. We need food first. We can decide what’s next after that.”
Marnie leaned down and coughed. Theo could hear her ribcage rattling as she spewed blood through her fingers. He rose to his feet and rushed to hold her.
“What’s wrong?” Synecdoche’s voice was full of panic.
“I’m fine.” Marnie gently pushed Theo away.
“No, you’re not.”
Her meds were wearing off. Her hands were shaking, probably from painkiller withdrawal. It would get worse soon. Theo could only imagine how much it hurt right now, with all that mana coursing in her veins. Her nails were ragged from constant chewing. She’d been trying to hide the pain from him, but Theo could see it from time to time.
Then he realized: with her medication wearing off, he couldn’t treat her attacks with mana extraction anymore. It would kill her if he tried again. Without the special chemicals that interfered with the process, her body would begin refusing to let the mana leave through the skin. It was part of the disease.
“Dad. I’m okay. I’m not gonna die, I promise.”
That’s not your job, Mar. It’s mine. I’m the one that makes promises.
He needed to move. If he spent all his time thinking about this, then they would definitely starve out here. Or freeze.
“You both will have to stay here while I get food. We need to survive until the Coast Guard find us—
“NO!”
Synecdoche threw her cup to the ground and glared at Theo. “We can’t wait around like this! They’ll never find us. Those planes… they’re underwater, so radio waves won’t reach them. If they can’t find us on radar or something, then—
“The Coast Guard will find us. Syn, it’s their job, okay? Everything will be fine, but we need to survive until they get here.”
“We’re a needle in a haystack right now. There’s no way to find us! They’ll never get here. They never, ever get here in time…”
This wasn’t really about the Coast Guard, was it?
“Maybe there's something down there, Dad. What if, what if there's like a, like a radio or whatever?”
“Even if we could get one back here, my phone and everyone else's will have short-circuited down there. And there’s definitely no reception in the middle of the ocean.”
“A satellite phone! Todd had one. It was turned off in his bag, so it should work if we go get it from the plane!”
Marnie chimed in to support Syn. “Yeah! We could try to-
“Do you have magic?” He could guess. Only one in a hundred people were mages.
Synecdoche twirled a lock of her hair with her finger. “No.”
“It's below freezing in the water this far north. The only reason the water doesn't turn to ice is because of the salt content and the tidal forces.”
Tidal forces? Really? His attempts to sound like an adult were faltering.
“But Dad, you could do it, right? With your magic.”
“If I'm gone and you have another episode, you could die, Mar. I’m not risking your life over a phone that might not even work.”
“If, if you won't do it, then I will!” Synecdoche balled her hands into fists, then stormed out, heading for the beach.
I don't have time for this.
He finally caught one.
It was heavy enough that Theo had to grasp the carbon spear with both hands. The fish shimmered in the sunlight, furious, desperate. It fought death admirably, almost flying free from Theo’s control. It took a few minutes to die, much longer than Theo expected.
What was this? Some type of cod? It was about an arm’s length, blood orange spine fading across its sides to a silver belly. It was probably enough. There were only three of them, after all.
It didn’t really matter anyway. The water all around was a murky sand cloud. If any brave sea creatures still remained, there was no way he’d find them, no matter how many times he might bury his spear into the ground.
Theo vaulted the fish up and behind his shoulder with the spear against his collarbone.
Maybe the teenager was right. It wouldn’t be the first time a commercial flight had been spirited away into an ocean, never recovered even with satellite imaging and thousands of man-hours searching the vast expanse. Maybe they were just fish in a huge bucket full of muddy water. Good fucking luck with that.
With Marnie’s meds dissolved in salt water by now, they were already out of time. The surgery was her final shot. She was approved at last only because she had been deemed terminal. They said she had a handful of weeks. That was with the medication.
Now…
He needed to get back to camp. Marnie had probably collected Synecdoche from her outburst and consoled her by now. The island took five minutes to walk the circumference if you took your time, so there weren’t exactly any places to hide. Besides, keeping his legs warm in this water was eating up a considerable amount of mana.
Back in the shelter, the only things waiting inside the gray carbon cave were the water pot, the cups, and fire. Marnie really shouldn’t be out there much longer. She didn’t even have long pants. Theo propped the spear against a boulder so the fish wouldn’t get sand on it.
“AAAAAHHHH!!”
That was Synecdoche.
“Help! Theo, help!”
Oh, no.
Theo found them on the beach, Marnie sprawled in the sand, seizing like she was shot with a taser. Synecdoche held her hands to her chest, collapsed next to Marnie.
“She just started shaking. She-she was just talking and, and…”
Theo ignored her and kneeled down next to his daughter. Mana extraction through the skin wouldn’t work now. Trying would likely rupture her skin and kill her faster.
Shit. What do I do?
His ears throbbed hot with blood, his heart slammed so loud he barely heard the waves crash behind him. He tried to calm his breathing, but it wasn’t working.
whatdoido whatdoido whatdoido whatdoido
The air just wouldn’t stay in his lungs. Was he going to pass out while his daughter died in front of him?
Dammit dammit fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck whatdoidowhatdoido whatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoido whatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoido—
She was breathing as fast as he was. She’d stop breathing in a minute.
His stomach turned. Once. Twice. Theo wretched and dry-heaved.
That’s it. That’s it. Her stomach! It’s full of water. There’s plenty of oxygen in there. I can do it. I have to try.
He placed his shaky hands on her abdomen.
Move along the veins. Travel with the flow. Around and around. In and out of organs, oxygen for CO2. Separate the hemoglobin from the oxygen. Absorb the mana. Control it. Trap it inside.
More.
Even more.
Alright, that’s step one.
Fuck! That’s cold.
The tide crept up around Theo and Marnie, turned Theo’s legs solid. If this took long, Marnie would drown on dry land before she died of distributive shock.
Marnie glared at Theo with hot eyes, trapped inside the prison of her own body. She was still conscious. What amazing willpower, amidst all that pain.
When the water retreated, a stinging sensation needled Theo’s—
Stop.
Into the stomach. Push toward the stomach. The capillaries around it are small—be careful. Slow.
Slow.
Okay. Keep it together. Don’t let go. Dissolve into the water.
Theo opened his eyes and shoved two fingers down Marnie’s throat. She bucked and struggled, but Theo didn’t stop until he felt sticky acid water covering his hands.
Marnie turned over on her side and vomited blood and water on the sand inches from her face. She coughed and coughed, but eventually pulled herself into a sitting position, finally free from the seizures.
“Mar?”
Her sobs were quiet. Marnie eased into Theo’s chest and let him hold her. He wrapped his arms around the tiny body as far they could reach and squeezed hard. She was practically made of glass, but he couldn’t loosen up. There was far too much risk his little girl would evaporate as soon as he let go.
I’m not going anywhere, Mar. No matter what.
Eventually, Marnie separated and rubbed her silent tears away from her face.
“Hey, Dad.” She coughed again, smiled. “Told you I wouldn’t die.”
He couldn’t take it. Theo stood up, turned around, and walked toward the ocean.
“Thank God you’re okay, Mar! Theo wait… Hey, what are you doing? Hey!”
“Dad?”
“Dad.”
“Dad, come back!”
Ignoring both girls, Theo waded into the water and started swimming toward where he found Synecdoche the previous night.
Exhausted, Theo flopped onto his back as soon as reached dry sand. The girls weren’t there, so they must have decided to dry off back at camp. He looked up at the yellow satellite phone. With a bit of mana, Theo evaporated all the water off every surface, inside and out.
Moment of truth.
Theo held his breath and pressed the PWR button.
“Please, God. Just cut me this one break.”
After pressing down for ten seconds, he heard a curt BEEP.
No.
It lit up. The screen read:
SEARCHING. . .
No way.
…nine, ten, elev—
BEEP.
READY
Theo’s fists shot into the air, trembling in weak victory. It was such a tiny thing, but it was everything. That crazy teenager just saved their lives. He’d never be able to repay this. He sat up and dialed 9-1-1. They weren’t exactly in range of any police station, but he couldn’t think of anything else to dial.
RING.
RING.
RING.
RING.
RING.
RING.
RING.
RING.
RING.
click.
“SatTech Emergency Services, what’s your emergency?”
Marnie and Synecdoche were all smiles and laughter now. They both jumped up and down, danced, and hugged each other when they heard the news. The Coast Guard were tracking the phone’s location and would reach them in four hours. Marnie’s joy over even the smallest victories was contagious. Every time he saw her win someone over with that heart-melting happiness, Theo could only marvel at how he possibly had been so lucky to be her father.
“This fish is so good! What's it called?”
“I don't know. It's white on the inside. It might be some type of cod. But I’ve never been fishing.”
“Syn, where are from? Like, where are going after we get back?”
“Um, California.”
“That’s super cool! What’s it like there? Have you ever surfed? Have you ever seen a movie star?”
Marnie and Synecdoche chatted about whatever crossed their minds, fluttering between subjects. They were just back at the airport, waiting at the gate for their next flight.
Theo assessed Mar’s condition while she wasn’t paying attention. Past her boisterous smile were tired red eyes. Her knees bouncing constantly. She fidgeted now and then. The pain was probably worse than ever before.
Hang in there, baby. It’s almost over. Just a few more hours.
“I… I need to go to the bathroom.” Marnie stood up abruptly.
You don’t need to lie, Mar.
“Okay. Zip up your coat and keep your hands in your pockets as much as possible. The sun is out, but it's still very cold outside, got it?”
“Geez, Dad. I know. I’m not five.”
His not-five-year-old stomped out. Marnie had called Theo “Daddy” since she first spoke. Then she decided it was too childish, and Theo was demoted to “Dad”. When did she start calling him “Dad”? He wasn’t sure he approved of this growing up nonsense.
“What's wrong with her?”
“What?”
“I mean, what's Mar sick with?”
“She’s a mage, just like me. Only problem is, she can’t use it and her body doesn’t have a method to get rid of the mana it constantly collects.”
“So, like, it's like cancer or something?”
“Bingo.”
There was nothing more to say, so they sat in awkward silence for a moment.
“So. Synecdoche. Where were you flying to before you crashed here?”
“Uh… I was with Todd and Teresa—I mean my parents. I was with my parents and we were flying home. Well, I guess I’ve never been there but—
“You've never been to your own house?”
“I’m… well, I was adopted. On Friday.”
Only three days ago.
“I grew up in foster care, but the Jenkins found me and filed for adoption. I guess they knew my mom before she…
The Jenkins couple must have been the two bodies holding each other in the plane wreck.
“So when they found out I was in California, they came and got me. Todd said they're my godparents or something. I don't really get it, but they were really nice. The nicest…
Synecdoche was back in the plane again. Theo felt it was better to let her feel it. He knew from experience. The only way out is through. If you don’t let yourself feel it, the darkness will stalk your thoughts forever, then swallow you whole. If Theo had to keep all this together much longer, he might suffer that very fate himself.
Where was Mar? She’d been gone for at least fifteen minutes.
“Syn, I’ll be right back. I’m just going to check on my daughter.”
It took a few minutes, but Theo found her lying on her side at the foot of a small boulder. She’d probably been sitting there, then fell over. When he noticed the unnatural positions of her arms and legs, all the air in his chest abandoned him.
He didn’t need to check her pulse.
It was over.
What happened, why—nothing mattered. Marnie was gone.
He felt absolutely nothing. There should have been something—an outburst of anger, uncontrollable sorrow, something! But all he felt was a black tide of nothing rise and engulf him, stopping all thought.
It was all he had left—the space between them.
Theo shuffled to Marnie’s body, knelt down, and drew her into his arms. He hugged her unplugged hardware as tight as he could. He smelled her hair, breathing her in. He breathed her in and in, soaked every remaining bit of Marnie into himself until there was no more Marnie left.
He held her in his heart, the most precious mana he’d ever collect.
Synecdoche was standing behind him. She said something he didn’t quite catch, then he heard the deep thumping of a helicopter approaching.
In a dark, dry room that reeked of Pine-Sol, a lab tech in teal medical scrubs handed Theo a small brown container. Marnie’s ashes.
“Thanks.”
The tech left without saying a word. Theo stared at nothing in particular for a long while.
“Uh.”
Theo forgot Synecdoche was still with him. She had nowhere else to go. She didn’t have anyone—just like him.
“What are you gonna do with...
“Marnie?”
“Yeah.”
Theo cast his gaze down. “I don’t know.”
The clay surface was cool. No more wild mana beat relentless against its walls. Theo remembered this feeling from last time, with Rachel. It was exactly the same. Everything that mattered in the universe was rent in two. A millimeter from his fingerprints. Galaxies distant.
He’d probably been on that island ever since his wife died. And now Syn was on that island too. Maybe they’d never leave. Theo had been drowning deep inside himself for longer than he could remember. There was a maybe. Only a maybe, but more than zero. Maybe he could learn to swim.
Theo decided. Then he looked the girl hard in the eyes.
It was a good question. What was he going to do with Marnie now?
“I don’t know.”
But I do know something that I need to do. I promise I’ll try. I promise.
Mar.
Just wow. Tears. Well executed.
Aww, thanks!
It took me years to read this. I was always too afraid of not being able to appreciate it, before I found the words confusing and easy to get lost in... After all this time, I made it, I read it, and I regret not reading it sooner...
Thank you for the story!