As I returned to my barracks, I could see Grunne and Jhaele playing knivesies – a game where one held their hand still while the other took a dagger and poked between their fingers rapidly, back and forth.  I smirked – obviously they were betting on something, or settling a dare.  I chose not to disturb them, and slipped into my quarters.

 

                As I removed my weapons and armor, I realized that the only weapon I still possessed was Siri’s old blade Draugrfing...  The thunder blade and the spear had either been destroyed or left behind.  Well, shit, I thought.  So much for my upgrades!  Still, it felt comforting to have Siri’s old blade, so I took it off and set it down safely for later.  My armor though – ewww!  As I peeled it off, all I could smell was sweat, BO, and the scent of my blood.  It needed a good cleaning.  I set it aside, to deal with after I had a shower.  

 

                It felt good to get out of my armor – skimpy as it was – but it just reminded me all the more about my new body.  After a few days living in it, I was growing more accustomed to it – but it was still difficult to deal with.  It just felt wrong – but oddly, it didn’t feel as bad as the first day, when I healed dad and took him home.  That means something, doesn’t it?  I though, sort of passively asking Siri for her opinion.

 

                *Yes, Sannyr.*  Siri replied pensively.  *It means you’re adapting to your body – getting used to it.  Is the dysphoria as bad as it was yesterday?*

 

                I thought about it honestly, and had to pause... If yesterday was a 10 on the discomfort meter, then what was today?  Maybe a 9?  In the end, I had to admit that whether it was something I was just getting used to, or whether it bothered me less, it did bother me a teeny bit less.

 

                *That’s how it begins, Sannyr.  It starts out bit by bit, and one day you might just feel normal again.  Or at least like your body is your own.  I’m sorry it happened like this.  I know you liked being a man... you liked being Jason.*

 

                I smiled sadly.  “Yeah, I guess I did, Siri...  but you know what I liked a lot more?  Having a dad I can come home to, who’ll live a long life, and not have to be buried at forty.  I made my peace with that decision.  I just have to deal with this new stuff – my new body, and my... new feelings.”

 

                *Did you want to talk about that?*

 

                “I guess I’m going to have to at some point, aren’t I?” 

 

                *Not if you don’t want to.*  Siri replied.  *You could just deal with it yourself.  I know I caused this problem – I may not be the best person to chat with about it.*

 

                “I was thinking of talking to Grunne and Lashawna, honestly, but I think we need to talk too.”

 

                *Ready when you are, Sannyr.* 

 

                I sighed, and turned away from the bathroom mirror, and stepped into the bathtub – a luxurious pool made of stone with four steps descending into the basin – like some European lord or lady might have had in their castle.  It was decadent, and as I descended into the warm water – just a sconch below hot – it felt amazing to sluice off the grot and blood and BO that had built up in today’s battle.  It felt a little awkward cleaning myself – I wasn’t used to having boobs, for one thing – and other places on my body felt unfamiliar as well.  Still, it felt better to be clean than filthy.  I looked at some of the scented oils at the edge of the pool, and waffled.  I certainly didn’t feel the need for them, but Sigrid had a reputation to retain, and it wouldn’t hurt me – just make me smell nice.  In the end, I scented myself with some amber soaps – and actually was surprised that I enjoyed the scent on me.

 

                Now that I was clean, I sat on a ledge in the bath and just let myself soak, the water of the pool coming up just far enough to cover most of my breasts.  So, Siri, I thought.  Have you seen how I’m changing?

 

                *Yes.* Siri said quietly.

 

                I’m starting to have feelings for men, aren’t I?  The butterflies?  The weird feelings I’ve been having in flashes here and there?  Is that me losing myself, or you taking me over, or is it something else?   Oddly enough I felt strangely calm about the whole thing – and for a moment, I wondered if Siri was doing ‘that thing’ to calm me down again.

 

                *I’m not.*  She replied.  *And I think you are, Jason... Sannyr.  But I don’t think you’re losing yourself – you’re still you, but you’re also gaining a huge amount of knowledge and experiences from me – and I’ve lived a very long time.  Let me ask you a question, okay?*

 

                “Sure, Siri.”  I replied aloud, basking in the hot water.

 

                *Would you say that the you of two years ago was the same you as you were a day before we bonded, before you met me?*

 

                I thought about it for a while.  I was younger, and more inexperienced in many thing.  I hadn’t matured as much – and dad’s illness hadn’t forced me to give up things I loved – like college – to come home.  I had friends, and hope for the future – but after dad got ill, hope seemed to flee – and my friends fell by the wayside.  I felt alone, isolated, and overwhelmed.

 

                “I would say I was different in attitude and maturity – but I was still me – just a sadder version of me.”

 

                *Good – so you can change – but still remain you.  That’s what’s happening now.  You’ve been given memories and knowledge of a thousand lifetimes – most of them women’s lives – and all of them warriors.  It’s natural that you feel differently – you’re growing into something new – but still the same.  You’re still Jason and Sannyr where it matters – but your feelings and emotions are adjusting in part to all the past lives you now have to draw upon.  The part that makes you you is still inside – still there.  It just might realize it likes different things as time passes.*

 

                “So one day I might just decide I’m okay with all this, like men, and embrace it all?”

 

                *Maybe...  Or you may realize you’re still uncomfortable with your body, but can live with it, and might like men to some greater or lesser degree – but may also still like the touch of a woman.  Nothing is set in stone, Sannyr.  You still have your own choices and experiences to contribute to our bond – it’s not all just me.  That’s the problem with our race, Sannyr – without hosts, we lack agency.  We can’t survive outside a host for long – but all hosts are not equal – and what I haven’t told you before is that after a long enough time bonded, the host almost always becomes the dominant force in the pairing... using the memories and skills of the symbiote to aid them in their chosen tasks.  It means, basically, that although I can advise, and I can suggest, eventually you’ll be the one constantly in the drivers seat, and I’ll be a passenger who exists to aid you and be a companion to you, and to aid you in adapting to your new role – and all of us – the Einherjar, the Valkyries, and even the Lords and Ladies are okay with that.  It’s our nature.*

 

                I thought quietly for a while about what Siri had said.  “So if perchance, one of the Lords or Ladies of the Aesir died – their host slain, and they were forced to take a new host, then the new lord or lady would be very different from their predecessor – at least at first – but the spirit of the predecessor would act as a guide or teacher to help them become the best version of the previous Lord or Lady they could be?”

 

                *Something like that, yes.  After a while, the new Lord or Lady would take on aspects of the old Lord or Lady – and retain the aspects of their new host that fit well with their new life.  It’s why in some of your myths the nature of the gods seem to change – from demanding human sacrifices in one century, to wishing for peace in another century.  They are still the gods you remember – but just as people change, gods change too – and their message isn’t as written in stone as your people think.  That’s something your people could stand to learn, frankly.*

 

                “So is there an eternal, perfect unchanging god or goddess out there somewhere?”  I asked. 

 

                *Like I said before... If there is such a being, we have not as yet encountered it.  We are fallible.  We are not omnipotent, and we are certainly not omniescent – but we are more than we appear, and in my mind, the Lords and Ladies of the Aesir are worthy of the title of gods and goddesses.    Certainly more than some beings we’ve encountered.*

 

                “So these feelings I’ve been having – they’re me adapting to your many lives?”  

 

                *Yes, while still keeping the part that is mainly you, unchanged.*

 

                “Will I get used to it?”

 

                *I don’t know, Sannyr.  Maybe?  You are your own person.  You might embrace it wholly, or feel awkward for many years, if not the rest of your life.  I cannot say.*

 

                I thought a bit more.  I felt strange, having feelings for Calder – but was it that bad?  Was it worse than being alone for the next thousand years?  I wondered just how much of me was wrapped up in the masculine role I had been taught growing up – and how much I could change and still recognize me as me...  In the end, it felt like a circular argument, and I realized I wasn’t getting any answers at the moment.

 

                “I just want to be happy again.”

 

                *I think one day you will be, Sannyr.  I just can’t say when.*

 

                I smiled.  Knowing that happiness would be coming one day would be enough to keep going.  That hope was my birthright, I guess.  My nature.  I sighed, and tried to stand and get out of the pool – and nearly crumpled to my feet my limbs were so limp and loose from the hot water.  In the end I had to almost crawl out of the pool and lie on the bathroom floor for a few minutes to get my strength back.  In the meanwhile, I was pretty sure I looked like a fish, flopping about helplessly on the bathroom floor.

 

                “We never mention this to anyone.”  I laughed.

 

                *Agreed.  We defeat an alien battle-cruiser, and yet get defeated by a pool of hot water.  I think not!*  Siri said with a mental smirk.

 

                “Accursed pool of warmth!”  I called out, laughing.

 

                For the first time, Siri and I laughed together, sharing a very fond moment of camaraderie.

 

               

*              *              *

 

 

                A little while later, I was dried off and dressed in clean clothes – more Asgardian clothes, and not my human garb from Midgard.  They were nice enough, I guess, but getting used to dresses might take me some time, I thought.  And although I wasn’t used to wearing a bra, I was very thankful for the Valkyries secrets that my sisters in arms had given me...  With my new body I definitely needed the support!  The dress I was wearing was blue, with gold braid and a blue cloak embroidered with wolves and dragons.  Even I had to admit I looked badass.  I buckled Draugrfing back on my belt – a Valkyrie should never be far from a weapon, or so I had been told.  Maybe I should go to the armory and get another, later?  I wondered.

 

                *I’ve been thinking about it a bit, Sannyr.  Why don’t we keep Draugrfing with us for now.  It’s been in a trunk for centuries – and its a good weapon.  It needs to see the light again.  I only put it away because of other reasons, not because it didn’t serve me well.*

 

                “Is one of those reasons the man Brunhilde was hinting at during our battle?”

 

                Siri was silent for a while.  *Yes, Sannyr.  That blade was given to me by someone whom I had loved in the past – and I wanted to keep it safe, as a memory of him.  But I think he would instead prefer to see it used in battle.  Perhaps its time I wielded it once more...*

 

                “Would you like to talk about him?  If not now, then later?”

 

                *Sure, Sannyr.  Maybe later.  You deserve to know – just not now, okay?*

 

                “Okay, Siri.” 

 

I headed out to the barracks, to see what the other girls were up to, leaving Siri to remember her lost love.  It was time to see if Grunne and Lashawna could give me any useful advice to help me adjust until I felt better about all this... and if they couldn’t help me adjust, at least maybe tell me what to expect in the next few months.  Maybe it would help me feel better?  I was worth the try.

 

I went to meet my sisters.