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Ayumi’s Perspective

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Mari sat me down with her on the couch. When we finally settled in, Mari turned towars the window and thought about the past.

"The day I accepted you Ayumi, I planned to never be with Madoka-san again..."

Mari confessed as she brushed her bangs away from her eyes.

"Is that true?"

I asked, and she nodded.

"Yes... I decided that because..."

Mari turned back to me, and I could see the pain in her eyes.

"Because I love her, Ayumi. I wanted to let her go because I love Madoka."

I was confused, not fully understanding her meaning of "love," I suppose. I had to press on and understand Mari on an intimate level... despite how much it may hurt me.

"Can... you explain to me what you mean? I don't think I fully understand, Mari."

She took a deep breath and exhaled, calming her nerves.

"I wanted Madoka to be happy. She found her way into my heart and understood me more than anyone I've met ever."

Mari looked away.

"I love her in a way that's hard for me to describe, Ayumi. I don't even understand it fully. I-I want Madoka-san's happiness first. In a way... I selfishly want her to just be happy regardless of my own feelings. I think it would be wonderful for her to live her life... and for me to enjoy watching her smile... even from a distance."

She had a calm smile on her face as she said this. It took me by surprise, how natural she looked, thinking about something so wonderful to her. It was then that it clicked to me... what she was saying.

"Mari, are you saying everything is fine even if you're hurt? Even if you can't be loved back?"

It took a bit as Mari processed it. Slowly, she nodded.

"Yeah... that's just what I'm saying, I guess. Eventually, Madoka-san's pain would fade, and she'd find someone to be happy with. And that alone should have been enough for me, Ayumi. At least, that was what I had decided."

In desperation, she turned to me.

"So, I decided that day you begged me to be with you... I decided that I would put all my effort into being with you! Because I knew that if you were safe, Madoka-san would be happy."

Mari shook her head.

"I know how selfish this sounds! But that's just how deep my love went! Even if I hurt Madoka in the process, in the end, logically, I could guide her to make the right choices, and she'd find someone who would do everything for her... And I could watch over her."

Desperately, Mari tried to explain her mangled feelings. As if she was a machine trying to articulate emotions correctly, Mari was exploring the one thing she was socially constructed not to do. Mari... was opening up and explaining her complex feelings.

"Logically, it would work. Madoka-san would hate me, but she'd find someone to give her everything I couldn't. You would be happy and never leave her as long as I committed to you, Ayumi. Hana would have a loving family, just like she'd always wanted."

In tears, she explained her logic.

"But what about you, Mari? Don't you think it's wrong for you to not... find happiness too?"

I asked.

"I... I don't deserve that, Ayumi. I never have... and never will."

Mari confessed bitterly. After being with her for two years, I never realized that Mari hated her emotions like this. I was slowly seeing how broken her family must have made her and it was... sad.

"Y-You see... I was supposed to wade through the feelings and eventually I would have been happy too. I would fall in love with you and... everything would be perfect. And that would have made me so happy to see the person I love to be happy!"

Hiccups escaped as she tried to continue.

"B-But I'm not a machine like my mom and dad tried to make me into! Emotions are hard to control, and I found it hard to stay logical and do what I intended. And I realized that during Madoka's coma. When I was in the hospital room, Mihara Yuko-san came in."

 

 

I recalled that ash-haired girl who Madoka had recently reconnected with.

"Mihara Yuko-san? You mean the young girl who visited during Madoka's birthday?"

Mari nodded.

" Yes, her. Her old basketball teammate. Madoka-san told me what happened between them before her accident with you and how Mihara-san felt about her... So, when she came to visit Madoka-san every day after school, logically, I knew she would be perfect."

Mari rubbed her fingers gently.

"That sweet girl brought in these wonderful carnations for Madoka-san. They were so beautiful... and it scared me, Ayumi. It scared me, knowing that everything could work out right. And Maybe Madoka-san would accept Mihara-san's feelings... and maybe they'd be happy. Logically, it was perfect."

With her head on the palm of her hands, she shamefully confessed.

"But emotions aren't logical, Ayumi... and I destroyed her wonderful gift like a selfish monster. I hated myself for not sticking to my plan... because of my terrible emotions. I h-hated myself for being so emotional when I wasn't supposed to be."

 

 

The pain of her feelings echoed in the house, and for the first time, I could genuinely feel how much pain Mari had been in these last few years. I never heard about Mihara-san because I rarely visited Madoka at that time. So, it only made sense that Mari would know just who that was.

"B-because I ruined her gift, she found out and I scared Mihara-san away. I regretted doing that to such a sweet girl even to this day. I've always wanted to apologize to her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Mihara Yuko-san... didn't deserve to be hurt like that."

With a sigh, she continued her story.

"Then when Madoka eventually woke up and reconnected with Mihara-san, I asked her... to be good friends with Mihara-san when we had dinner a few months back. Because I knew that Mihara-san was at least one person who liked Madoka-san enough to come to see her every day in the hospital. She... was perfect for someone like Madoka-san."

 

 

I recalled that night when we were having dinner. Hana was out at camp and it was just Mari, Madoka, and I for the week. I found it strange that Mari remembered that girl so well, which made sense in hindsight. That girl, Mihara Yuko-san, could have made Mari-san's plan... a reality. That same night, Madoka asked me to tell her about her past and I told her no. It didn't occur to me back then... but Mari stopped contributing to the conversation...

Because she wasn't worried about Madoka remembering like me. She was too caught up in her moving on... even though that was what Mari wanted in the first place.

"I wanted Madoka-san to fall in love again... but my heart still hurt at the selfish thought of her moving on. I was so caught up about Madoka-san finally moving on that I got a fever over it, Ayumi. The night where Madoka was treating me, the only thing I was thinking about was... Madoka moving on."

 

 

The truth of her selfishness was laid bare as Mari made herself vulnerable to me. That night Madoka called me, telling me that Mari got sick and she was treating her. I never realized that it was because she was struggling with her feelings.

"In a perfect world... Madoka-san would have woken up and moved on. I would have accepted that, and eventually, my feelings for her would fade, and everyone would be happy. Even if she woke up remembering everything... Madoka-san would have hated me but moved on and found happiness. You wouldn't have been depressed, and Hana would have had a family that loved her."

Mari tenderly put her hand on her heart and looked me in the eyes.

"But I'm human, and I screwed it all up. I can plan everything and hope it works out the way I want... But my emotions, the ones I tried to cover up, ruined everything. And for that... I'm sorry, Ayumi."

Her body trembled as she opened the floodgates of her emotions. This was the selflessness and selfishness of Koda Mari. As I thought about everything, it was all adding up. Mari has always had one person in her mind: Madoka.

Love is complicated, and Mari's is no different. She doesn't see her feelings as equal to others but as a weakness, she has to overcome. Mari fell in love with Madoka and chose to mentor her until she came to a choice on whether she truly loved her. Mari gave her time... But then she fell into a coma. Feeling guilty, Mari decided it was best to protect Madoka's future... by being with me. She would give Hana the one thing she'd always wanted, which was a family too. Then Mari would guide Madoka into a love she could never give her.

Mari's love is painful for her.

If someone asked for a glass of water, Mari would fill it to the brim and not save any for herself. She would give everything to someone... and leave nothing for herself. But because her emotions get in the way, Mari would constantly war with her feelings. Even though she wants to give the world to the one she loves... that little piece within her wants to be a part of the world she's giving away. Mari, despite everything, wants to be a part of Madoka's world. And Mari saw that want and need for her own love as weakness. She doesn't see her feelings as equal to others... And that's what she'd been struggling with her entire life.

"I think I finally understand you, Mari..."

As much as this hurt to hear all of this, it made sense. Mari had been like this her entire life when I thought about it. Just like how she was with her deceased husband, the first person she truly loved.

 

 

Mari gave up her family and everything connected to them in order to love who she loved. She had Hana with someone her parents didn't approve of and happily gave up everything she previously had. Mari gave up her family name, Nakamura, and became Koda Mari, leaving her past behind. But when she suddenly lost that, nobody filled the void in her. Mari even blamed herself for her husband's death too. Maybe it was at that time where she started to believe... that her happiness shouldn't matter. As long as the person she loves can be happy, everything is right.

 

Mari's actions are clear...

 

To give everything she can to someone she loves, that's the kind of love that Mari strives for.

Mari wishes for a selfless love but her emotions won't let her have that. And Mari sees those normal emotions as weakness.

 

 

"So... because you love Madoka, Mari, you tried to love me?"

As painful as that was to hear, I wanted to confirm what she was saying.

"Yes..."

She confessed.

 

"And that's why we can't continue the way we were, Ayumi. B- Because my feelings for you weren't out of my love for you... But for Madoka."

She touched my hand, and her warmth resonated through my body.

"So, I want to start over and stop all these lies. I want to be emotionally available to you and Hana, and Madoka. I want to change... I need to change Ayumi!"

Like a lion, Mari faced me as she fought to become the person... she didn't hate.

"I want to see Madoka-san be happy as she should be. I want to stop the lies and find a way to make our family whole, like it was supposed to be, Ayumi. But this time, I'm not going to selfishly do it alone. I'm not going to try and put the pieces together and hope for the best outcome while pushing my emotions to the side. I-I'm going to rely on everyone... because I can't fix everything alone, and I realize that now!"

Mari shook her head. Gently, she opened those garnet eyes and gazed into my soul.

"Growing up, I was emotionally shut off from the world. Expressing my feelings has been the hardest thing I've ever done, Ayumi. So, I wasn't going to tell anyone how I felt. My father and mother beat it into me to always save face and never tell others how I felt. I was emotionally manipulated to never show weakness. That's why I tried to do everything alone. I tried to weave people's emotions like clay to make a pseudo-happy family. And If I was truly emotionless Ayumi, everything would have been perfect..."

I could hear the distastes in her own words. Mari... was disgusted at who she was, but I could tell from her actions that she wanted to change. Mari wanted to... learn to love someone the right way.

"But I'm not emotionless. Honestly, it's because I'm so emotional that everything is destroyed... and I think that was for the best. It showed me that I needed to change, and I'm not afraid of that anymore."

With passion, Mari confessed her intentions.

"Mari..."

Her pained words were chipping away at my shield... and I hated it. It made me realize that I never was... number one in her heart despite what I did to put myself there.

"I love Madoka-san and decided to support her so she can be happy. That girl has been through too much... to not be. I love Hana and will make sure she isn't ever lonely again. That's the least I can do for the daughter who'd supported me for so long. And I love you, Ayumi, and I will do my best to ensure you never feel that crippling depression again. But even if we separate... I refuse to let everything crumble. I want to selfishly support everyone and stop allowing my emotions to hurt others."

Mari's determination peeked.

"But I need help, Ayumi! You can't just hide and expect everything to be fixed while you wall yourself away! I want the truth, so we can decide the best way to do this."

Everything was too much, and I tried to stand up, to escape from her. But Mari wasn't letting me go. Gently, she grabbed my hand. I wasn't running from this uncomfortable situation... and that probably was for the best.

"Ayumi, I told you my selfish feelings. How I love your daughter to the point that I'd hurt her. So please, you have to tell me the truth, so we can see if things will work out between us. And even if you don't think it can be salvaged, we must be honest and put away all the lies. Did Madoka-san tell you about us before your accident? D-Did you know her feelings before you asked me to be with you?"

Tears rolled down my cheeks as my selfishness came to my mind's forefront. I bit down on my teeth and finally told her the truth I was carrying in my heart all these years...

 

 

I recalled the memory that started all of this madness on this Christmas day. The one that I screamed and yelled at my daughter in the car... for confessing her feelings about the person she loved. I yelled at her about how she'd ruin their life because she was so spoiled. I demonized Madoka for telling me she loved someone...because I had the same hidden feelings for them.

The night I recklessly looked away from the street and nearly killed my daughter. There was no turning back. Mari suffered through, telling me all the horrible sides of her... So, I finally let out my secret that would shatter this illusion of a happy family I had created for these last two years...

 

"Yes, Madoka did tell me about someone special to her that night in the car, Mari. I-I've always known about it."

 

 

 

"Madoka told me that she had feelings for you, Mari."