“Are you ready, Lexi?” my sister asked.

“No, I’m not,” I replied.

Truth to be told, I was scared to death.

It was Sunday, the day after Roger’s birthday party, and I was about to come out to my parents. Well, my mother, for the time being, since by a fortunate coincidence my dad had gone fishing with some of his friends that afternoon; this way at least I wouldn’t have to face both of them at the same time.

That morning I’d told Lena what I planned to do, and she’d stood by her promise to support me and said she would help me face our parents; we were currently in her room, and I’d just finished rehearsing – for the third time – the speech I planned to give to our mom.

“You don’t have to do this now if you don’t want to,” Lena said.

I sighed. “Yeah, but I will have to do it eventually, won’t I?” I said in return. “And the longer I put it off, the harder it becomes. Might as well do it today.”

She nodded. “Okay. Let’s go then.”

Exiting her room, we walked down the stairs; our mom was in the living room, sitting in an armchair, reading a book. I felt a bit guilty: besides her job – she was a history professor at the same college I went to – she had to cook and take care of the house (along with my dad, of course), though she had a maid who came by once a week to help her clean. Sunday afternoon was usually her only free time, and I was about to ruin it by dumping a load of drama on her.

My mom looked up from her book when she heard us come down the stairs, gazed at us briefly, then turned back to reading once more. My sister and I sat down on the couch. I gulped; here goes nothing.

I cleared my throat.

Mom looked up from the book again. “Yes?” she said.

“Mom, can… Can we talk for a bit?” I said. I tried to keep my voice steady.

She smiled. “Of course, sweetie,” she replied, and dog-eared the page she was reading before setting the book aside. “Now, what is it?”

I hesitated. I gulped again. My mouth felt dry. “I…” I began, then stopped.

I’d rehearsed my coming out speech for hours, but suddenly my mind was blank. I didn’t know what to say. “I…” I said again.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned my head to look at Lena, sitting on the couch beside me. She nodded, and smiled encouragingly.

I looked at mom again. I could see she was frowning, seemingly realising that whatever I was about to say was important to me, and also made me nervous.

I took a deep breath.

“I… Have been thinking recently. About stuff,” I said.

Mom nodded. “Alright. What kind of stuff?”

“Well,” I continued. “Something happened, that made me think about myself. I have thought long and hard, tried some things out, and what I figured out… I mean…”

I squeezed my eyes shut.

“I’m transgender, mom.”

I was so scared I had to force those words out, and even then they were barely a whisper.

The silence was deafening. You could hear a pin drop.

My mom didn’t say anything right away. After a few seconds, I opened my eyes, and looked up at her.

She smiled and nodded. “That’s nice, dear,” she said. “So, she and her pronouns? Or something else?”

I gaped at her. I tried to formulate a response to… Well, that, but I was coming up with nothing.

“...That’s it?” Lena said.

Thank you, sis. My thoughts exactly.

“What exactly were you expecting?” mom asked.

“I… I just…” I stammered. “I thought you would be mad!”

She cocked her head to the side. “Do you want me to get mad?”

“Ye-- No! Sort of! That’s not the point!” I said. I was rambling at that point. “I just expected some sort of reaction!”

Mom’s smile became wider. She seemed to be really amused by my being flustered.

“Mom, please, don’t tease her,” Lena interjected. “This is life-changing for her, and you’re treating it as if she told you she… I don’t know, took the last cookie from the cookie jar, or something.”

Mom frowned, straightened up in her armchair and looked directly at me. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make light of it. Okay.” She paused, likely formulating a sentence in her mind. Then she said, “You’re still my child, I still love you, and I will support you in any way I can.” She smiled again. “How’s that for a reaction?”

I felt relief wash over me. I almost melted into the couch cushions. “Oh thank god,” I whispered, while Lena rubbed my shoulder in a comforting gesture.

“I’m glad you chose to trust me,” mom continued. “I know it’s not easy to speak about these things, especially with someone who is close to you; still, you took so long I was wondering if you’d ever get around to it.”

That last sentence echoed in my brain. “Hold on, what?” me and Lena said at the same time.

“Oh, me and your dad had figured it out years ago. I think you were thirteen or fourteen? We compared notes and concluded you were…” She paused. “Well, we didn’t know if you were gay or transgender or what, but it was obvious there was something going on with you.”

I turned to look at Lena. “I thought you said they hadn’t figured it out,” I said.

“Yeah, I thought so, but apparently I was wrong,” she replied.

“You knew this whole time, and you didn’t bother to tell me?” I said accusingly, turning back to face mom.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just… I only realised I’m actually a girl a couple months ago, and now I find out my family – both my parents and my sister – apparently knew all along?”

Mom looked startled. “You realised two months ago? Really?” she asked. Lena nodded in response.

“I mean,” I went on. “It would’ve been nice to know, like… Years ago.”

Mom sighed. “Xander… No, wait, I guess it’s not Xander any more. Did you think of a name yet?” she asked.

“Lexi,” I answered.

“Okay. Lexi. Nice name,” she said. “Lexi, I know it’s hard to accept it, but in these situations, it’s usually better to let someone figure it out by themselves. Trying to force someone to face what… Who they really are can end in tears. I know this from experience.”

“Experience?” I queried.

“Your aunt Abby,” mom replied.

I knew aunt Abby, of course: she lived three states away with her wife Pam and their son Rick. We saw them almost every Christmas, when we all went upstate to our grandparents’ house for the holidays.

“When she was eighteen and I was sixteen I tried to convince her to come out to herself,” mom continued, “And it was really ugly. I guess it was a different time, nearly thirty years ago, but still. She left for college shortly after that, and we didn’t speak to each other for years.” She sighed. “We did mend things eventually, of course, but I still regret it.”

“But that’s different,” Lena said. “Aunt Abby is gay, not trans.”

“What? Oh, no, she is,” mom replied. “Trans, I mean.”

Me and Lena stared at her. “...She’s trans?” I said. “But you never…”

“I never told you, yeah. I just didn’t think it was important. Abby’s a woman, and that’s it.”

“Huh.”

“And so are you, of course,” mom said. “If you’re a girl, you’re a girl. It’s no big deal.” She paused. “No, sorry, it is a big deal, I guess. But like I said, it doesn’t change the fact that I love you, and I will stand beside you. Always.”

I felt like crying, I was so happy.

“And the same goes for your dad, probably. We haven’t really talked about these things lately, but I’d be surprised if he thinks otherwise.”

We heard the front door open. “Hey guys, I’m home!” my dad’s voice called. “We’re having trout tonight, I got lucky and caught a lot!”

“Oh, speak of the devil,” mom said as dad walked into the living room, carrying a slightly wet plastic bag. We all turned to look at him.

“...What? What did I miss?” he asked, when he saw the three of us just sitting there, staring at him.

“Uh…” I said. “It’s… Kind of a long story.”

“Hey, Noah, welcome home!” mom exclaimed. “Guess what, we have two daughters now!”

“Mom!” Lena said, turning to her.

Dad stared in confusion, looking from Lena to mom, back to Lena and back to mom; mom smiled, and nodded her head towards me.

Dad turned to look at me, and after a couple seconds his eyes widened. “Oh. Oh!” he said. “Okay! Cool.”

He paused, then asked: “Lady pronouns then?”

 

 

“How was your Sunday?” Roger asked.

It was late morning on Monday, and Roger and I were having one of our usual coffee dates, the first one since he’d found out about Lexi; I was glad me being a girl hadn’t changed things between us. We were sitting at a table in CoffeePB, sipping our drinks. I was having black coffee, while his poison of choice was usually a chai latte – I’d often teased him for choosing such a “girly” drink. Our seats were in a quiet part of the café, by choice: this way we could chat about anything without risking anyone overhearing us.

“It was good,” I replied, using my female voice. “Eventful, but good.”

“Oh?” he queried, and took a sip of his tea.

“I came out to my family.”

Roger choked on his drink; he started coughing, and set the cup down on the table to avoid spilling it.

After a few moments he looked up at me. “Damn, girl,” he said between coughs. “Ever heard of taking things slowly?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I replied innocently. “Also…”

Roger had started to lift his cups to his lips again, but he stopped. “Yeah?”

“Also, I wrote to a doctor, to meet and talk about starting hormones.”

My parents’ acceptance had emboldened me, so the previous evening, right after dinner (the trout was delicious, and we talked about everything – I really liked not having to hide anything from my parents any more), I wrote an e-mail to doctor Wilkerson’s office, asking to set up an appointment. They hadn’t gotten back to me yet, but I could hardly wait.

“That’s great, Lexi!” Roger said, placing a hand on my shoulder and looking me in the eyes. “I’m so happy for you. Really.”

“Thank you, Rog,” I smiled back. But for an instant a weird expression crossed his face; he seemed almost… Sad? It was just a moment though, then he was back to his usual self.

“So where are you planning to go from here?” Roger asked.

“Well…” I said. “I need to start hormones, of course. And then come up with a concrete plan, a real timeline, about how I’m going to go about coming out to everyone. I’m not going to lie, I’m not looking forward to it. Especially regarding the team.”

“You never know,” Roger replied. “They may be cool with it. Take Simon, for example.”

I thought back to the party, two days earlier. “Yeah, you’re right. But…” I paused. “Charlie.”

Roger made a face. “Right.”

“At this point, I think I may just wait until next year. The next school year, I mean. After all, graduation day is only what, a month and a half away? We’ll be rid of that idiot after that.” I smirked. “Can you imagine? Me showing up as a girl out of the blue, pretending nothing is different? How funny that would be!”

Roger laughed. “Yeah, I can just about picture their faces!”

“Or maybe I’ll do at the team’s end-of-year party. Y’know, just go fully dressed and made up, as kind of a final fuck-you to Charlie.”

“...I’d advise against that,” Roger said. “It could be dangerous. What if he decides to beat you up, just because?”

“Hmm, yes, you’re right,” I nodded. “However I decide to do it, I have to be careful about it.”

“That’s right,” Roger nodded.

We kept chatting for a little bit more, and then it was time for lunch; we decided to head on over to the cafeteria together.

As I was getting up from my chair, my phone pinged; I looked at it, and saw I’d received an e-mail from the Planned Parenthood office, offering to set up an appointment.

“Dude, look at this!” I said, showing my phone to Roger excitedly. “They got back to me!”

“Is this about--”

“The hormones, yeah,” I clarified. “Man, I’m thrilled, but also super nervous. Does that make sense?”

“It does,” Roger reassured me. “I’m so happy for you.” And he gave me one of his big, friendly, reassuring hugs.

After we broke the hug I said, “Excuse me for a sec, I need to tell the family.” Roger nodded, and I concentrated on my phone.

Group chat – The Ham’tons

[12.03] Me: Hey. Hey.

[12.03] Me: The clinic got back to me

[12.04] Me: I have an appointment!

[12.05] Sis: ayyyyyyyyyyyy congrats!

[12.05] Sis: I’m so happy!

[12.05] Mom: Congrats Lexi!

[12.06] Dad: Big news! It’s great! When?

[12.06] Dad: Lena shouldn’t you be in class

[12.06] Me: Tue next week

[12.06] Sis: lunch break dad

[12.06] Me: Morning

[12.06] Dad: Ah right

[12.07] Me: Uh, question. Can someone come with me?

[12.07] Me: Bit nervous about going alone

[12.07] Sis: take this! *hug*

[12.07] Sis: sorry sis. got school

[12.08] Mom: I’m working that day

[12.08] Dad: Same

[12.08] Mom: Sorry

[12.08] Me: nm then

[12.08] Dad: I can call in sick

[12.08] Me: Nah s’okay

[12.08] Me: gtg I’m with Roger, talk to y’all later

[12.09] Mom: Tell him I said hi

I looked up from my phone; Roger had been patiently waiting for me. I smiled at him. “Sorry for the wait,” I said. “My mom says hi.”

“Thanks,” he replied.

We started our trek across the quad towards the cafeteria in silence. I was a bit bummed, and lost in my thoughts. I would’ve really liked it if someone could come with me to the clinic, at least the first time. Just to have some company and moral support. But my whole family was busy that day. Which meant I’d have to go alone.

Suddenly, a thought struck me. I stopped walking. Roger walked a couple more steps, then stopped too and turned back to me. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

I looked at him.

“Rog,” I said. “Can I ask for a favour?”

He shrugged. “Sure. Shoot.”