Percy isn’t real. That’s why she asked me to call her Kayla no matter what. Isn’t it? How could I be this dumb? She knew we would swap, because her body is acting up worse than mine is. 

“Are you okay, Kayla?” I put my hand on her back and focus on thinking Max thoughts. 

The bell is probably going to ring soon. Kayla doesn’t have my phone password. Kaitlyn and the rest of my group would notice if we swapped phones. She is already panicking, telling her that would probably not help the matter. I pushed her too far, like an asshole. Like an inconsiderate, stupid asshole. I need to make sure she's okay, and I can't do that if we are swapped because she'll just want to swap back and that's all she'll talk about.

“Don’t touch me,” she growls. I jump back and fall on my ass, but looking at Kayla, it seems like a little incoordination is the better end of the stick.

“You said you were okay like that.”

“This is normal for me.” Her voice is gravelly, and quiet. 

“It shouldn’t be.” 

“Go away, Max.” 

“I’m not leaving until I see that you’re alright, Kayla.”

“Don’t call me that at school.” Her voice cracks. 

She’s leaning on the fence, turning away from me, but her back rises and falls fast. She’s freaking out again. The voice cracks, the growl, she’s trying to be scary, and it just doesn’t work. How could it? She will never follow through. All she's got is her looks.

“What else am I meant to call you?” I ask. She needs to know I care, though she might already.

“Nothing. You aren’t meant to be talking to me.” She’s spitting words out desperately. I can't hold her. I can't tell her what she wants to hear, because there is no way I could leave her after she hurled.

“We need to sit you down.” I move closer to her and she shuffles back. “No one will spot us if we’re in one of the door, alcovey things.”

“Why won’t you go away?”

“If you can’t make it there on your own, you can use me to lean on. I’m thinking as many un-swappy thoughts as possible.”

“Un-swappy?” she asks, her panicking seemingly on pause.

“Like ones to stop us from swapping.” I thought that was obvious from un-swappy.

“I don’t think that’s how this works.” Her voice is shaking. I want to wrap her up in a hug. She pissed me off earlier, but she doesn’t deserve this. 

“Why not?” 

“Every time I’m around you, I have to think un-swappy thoughts.”

“Ha, you said it.” Maybe I can lighten the mood? Her flat expression gives me nothing to go off.

“And yet, we still swap.” She ignores my jab and keeps talking. “So no. I’m not leaning on you. I can get there on my own. I’ll be fine. Just go to class, Max.” Despite that, it barely looks like she can stand up. I can’t just leave her here without at least getting her somewhere to sit. She has no one else to rely on. 

“Kayla, we can try to avoid touching, but you look like you might pass out.” 

I reach out to her, she tries to shuffle back, and her eyes go wide as I get closer. She’s holding on to the fence for dear life. Her eyes start darting around for any other way to escape, and then she pushes me away, and I don’t fall back. I’m so stupid.

“Shit, shit, shit.” Kayla stumbles to her feet in my body. I can’t tell if she’s even processed it as she jumps the fence I’m now leaning on and runs. 

I walk over to the alcove and slump down. There’s no point in chasing her. It’ll just freak her out. It’s best to let her calm down and come back to me when she’s ready, right? She’ll realise what’s happened soon. That was so boneheaded! Of course, she’d panic. The pockets on her dress are deep so my phone won’t fall out. I pull out her phone and shoot her a quick text with my phone password so she can get in when she calms down, and we can talk it out. 

She really can’t control it, huh? Even when she’s scared of being in my body, and even when I’m trying to stay in mine, she can cause it. I’m really dense. There are so many times she all but told me she is Kayla. Why would she want me to call her Kayla all the time if that isn’t her name? Even when she tries to be Percy, it’s so obviously an act. Her flinching whenever she hears what should be her name makes it obvious.

Which leaves me with a lot to think about. The idea of the two people staying swapped is one that appears a couple of times in a couple of body swap stories, and when it happens, it's hard to take seriously. The idea of gender nonconformity seems so alien to some writers, and as a former tomboy, it always rubs me the wrong way. A boy being caring doesn't make him a girl! A girl being forward doesn't make her a boy. A couple do have them staying swapped, but it's almost always about the former guy and former girl falling for someone that they weren’t attracted to before, and it doesn’t make sense, so I usually stop reading. Staying swapped for one person's well-being is rarely even considered. Would it even be good for her? Is that what she might want?

I still haven’t even established if she is a girl. I keep thinking of her as a she, but maybe it’s not that deep. Maybe Percy is a mask for a really sweet guy who’s just stuck under a facade of toxic bullshit, and Kayla is just him not having to put those on. Because Kayla doesn’t have expectations. She doesn’t have to be manly. Like some grumpy bad boy who becomes a total sweetheart around certain people. Considering how it works in the stories, that would make sense too.

Regardless, I’m crushing hard and if swapping more means seeing her smile more, I think I might do it. 

The bell rings, but I’m not going anywhere. 

—

I must have lost my balance when I pushed Max. I did it again. God, what if she’s hurt? Do I really have time to worry about that? Probably not. I need to get as far away from her as possible. It’s the end of the year. Most of the classes are just revision. I can get away with skipping some.

I’m barely a block away before I run out of air. Usually I can run far more than this. The humid spring air must be messing with my lungs. There’s a park close by. I just need to get there, and then I can think more about how to get out of this mess. 

Max is going to hate me. I wanted her to hate me, and now she’s going to because I pushed her, and I don’t want her to hate me anymore. Why can’t I make up my mind? What if she’s hurt? What if I pushed her too hard, and she hit her head? She could need help. Last time this happened, Charley got a scar. I haven’t changed at all. Is it even worth lying to myself anymore? Even if I get away from this place, I’m still going to be me. A monster. An awful fucking monster. She might be the only one who cares about me, and I’ve ruined it by panicking.

I need to keep it together. The park will have somewhere to hide. I just need to keep walking. 

Why can’t she just leave me alone? I’ve given her everything she wants. I compromised. We were going to meet up on Saturday, and if she’d just stuck to that plan, this wouldn’t have happened. Whatever she’s feeling, no matter how weird it is, isn’t more dangerous than swapping. It’s obvious that I have no say in this. I can’t take my body back. I’m not sure if I’m capable of wanting it enough. The best I can muster is not wanting to be in hers, but I’m just not strong enough. What if we get stuck? Has she even thought about that? What if she’s unable to put us back to normal? She doesn’t seem capable of thinking these things through. 

Any normal person would be disgusted by me being in their body, but she seems to revel in it, which is somehow worse. She knows there’s something wrong with me and asks me about it whenever she gets the chance. It’s like she's taunting me, but I don’t think she’s capable of doing it intentionally. Even her teasing doesn’t feel malicious. If anything, it feels flirty, and that makes everything worse!

I easily slip under the playground's castle and curl up. My phone vibrates and the bell rings, but I ignore them as I start crying like the pathetic baby I am. The sobs are wrong. The hiccups are wrong. The sound of my fucking breath is wrong. Or right. Or, I don’t fucking know. How did I not notice? Of course I fucking swapped us when we touched. No wonder, I stopped feeling like I was going to throw up. I’m so much worse than I thought was possible. What am I meant to do? Is there anything I can do? My first instinct is to find the nearest road and find a nice spot to lie down, but since this isn’t my body, I can’t even entertain the thought. Maybe once I’m back.

I could grovel and beg for her to forgive me, but realistically, it won’t work. I just ran off in her body. She’s going to need it back, and if I keep acting like I don’t care about what a piece of shit I am, she might leave me alone. She can get back to her life. Get used to her body again, and I can keep grasping at straws and hoping that one will make my life better.

Max’s phone vibrates again. It’s not like things can get worse. She’s probably wondering where I am so she can get her body back and go to class. I owe it to her to give it back. I take a deep breath. In and out. In and out. 

Kayla: Hey, Kayla. My phones password is 3495

My contact name is Kayla. She set my name to Kayla in her phone. Max saw me as just Kayla, and I ruined it by acting like me again. She even said I’m like a different person. Why didn't I lean into it? I just had to freak out and ruin it.

Kayla: Are you okay?

Kayla: Do you need me to come to you?

I don’t get it. She’s probably trying not to scare me away, so I don’t run away further. From her perspective, I just stole her body and ran off.

Maximillion: I’m at the park, it’s around two blocks away. I won’t run away. 

I take a deep breath. I have to hold on now. I need to just choke back the last of these tears until she gets here. 

Kayla: Do you want me to come get you?

Maximillion: I didn’t mean to swap us. Please believe me.

A tear hits the screen. Why can’t I keep it all in?

Kayla: I figured. The swearing tipped me off. Do you need some time alone?

Why isn’t she angry?

Maximillion: I’m not going to run away.

Kayla: That’s not what I asked, Kayla.

Maximillion: Come and get your body back. I can’t fucking move properly. 

My legs feel like jelly. Well, they're not my legs. I’m such a mess. 

Kayla: OMW

With my body, it won’t take her long to get here. I need to calm down. I need to just breathe. I need to just push all of this stupid fucking emotional horseshit deep down where it belongs before I tear myself apart screaming.

Her phone vibrates again.

Kait: Where are you?

Why is Max risking anything to be near me? Kaitlyn cares about her. She has friends, an actual group from what I can gather, that actually like being around her. Losing any of that makes being around me an even worse idea. Why doesn’t she get it? She’s the one who has to live with it!

“Kayla?” Max peeks under the playground.

“Give me your hand,” It’s not intimidating. My stuffy nose and shaking voice make sure of that. 

“No, not yet.” She sits down and inches closer. I grab her arm and nothing happens. “What do you want me to call you?”

“Just take your body back!”

“I’m not going to let this cycle keep happening.”

“What cycle?”

“I ask you a question. You try to dodge it. I get annoyed. You get annoyed and we somehow end up swapping. So I need to know. Who are you?” 

“You know who I am.” I slump back into the ground. 

“I really don’t. I have no clue on how I’m meant to treat you. All the social cues I’ve been able to pin down go out the window with you." She rests her face in her palm. I can't be that confusing. "You change, seemingly on a dime, from a sweetheart to a wannabe bad boy, and I can’t figure it out. I have a guess, but I’d prefer to know how you see yourself.”

Another question that I can’t answer honestly. She’s great at asking those. Anything I say right now would be cause to send me to the psych ward. I sniffle. I must seem so pathetic to her.

“No answer?” she asks, looking back up at me. “Can I try to guess? A nod will do.”

There’s really no way she could get anything that’s going on inside my head. I nod. Maybe she can give me a good lie to agree with so we can swap back, and I can run away and everything can go back to normal.

“The girl who was joking about dating and enjoying wearing dresses and was disappointed when I pointed out her mess of a fashion sense? That’s you, Kayla. Percy, the grumpy guy who’s constantly trying to push everyone away, is an act, and you don’t want to be around me because I might notice.”

“What?”

“When you're in my body, you are more comfortable being yourself, and I don’t even know if you notice it.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” I lie. 

“Whatever is going on with you, I’m not going to judge. I need you. I like you. I know this is all really fast, but we are literally in each other's bodies right now; if you can’t trust me, then who can you trust?”

“You keep taking my body, Max.”

“Not intentionally. Besides, if I screw you over, can’t you do the same to me? I mean, you said it yourself, I have more to lose than you do outside of academics; what do you have to lose?”

I’m tired of her thinking, of her assumptions and deduction, and her being right. I don’t have anything to lose by trusting her. I know that. Of course I know that. We’ve been over this. 

“I’m scared," I whimper. I sound so pathetic. No wonder, she isn't scared of me. I can't even look at her.

“I figured. I just don’t know why.”

“Because it’s terrifying, Max.”

“What’s terrifying?”

“Telling anyone about this. I hardly understand it and the last time I tried to explain it to someone here she didn’t listen, and I ended up hurting her and I don’t want that to happen again." I keep needing to gasp for air. "And I don’t want it to happen to you. I’ve already hurt you. Why aren’t you running away?”

Why can't I stop crying? She stares at me, taking in every word I say. Why is she still being so patient with me? I keep screwing her around, and she keeps being kind and patient. 

“Is this about what happened with Charley?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me about it?”

“It won’t help with your issue, Max. Whatever's happening to you is different. You’re a normal girl. Any dysphoria you’re feeling when we swap back is probably just a lingering effect of being in my body. We should go back. The problem should disappear after a while.”

“This isn’t about me. What’s that dysphoria thing you mentioned?”

I fucked up.