MajorKerina

Warning - This has some dark imagery, especially brief suicidal ideation.

Chapter 39 - The Surprise Blossom of Kenzie Waller 

And I wanted so much to rush towards him and hold him, but I restrained my feet and brought my hands up to my mouth. Wes noticed and said, “I’m sorry for what I said before. I still feel it…raw, but I’m sorry I said it to you. Physical death feels like a formality. But it’s not your responsibility.”

I panted through my hands and shook my head. Reaching out, I told him, “Wes. Please. Don’t even think about it. I know. I know I can’t imagine what you’re going through…but please…there’s gotta be other options.”

He shut his eyes. “Natalie said a lot of that. She knows a special care clinic around and was talking hormones and plastic surgery and all that. Just mutilate me some more. I can’t deal with that. I was trying to think…what would be the least painful way to die…”

With his head pressed against the fence, he ruminated, “You can’t force yourself to hold your breath, even in a bath. My dad has some razors. From this book I read once, I know you go down the length of the arm, but it can be difficult because of your tendons and stuff. On The X-Files, this guy killed himself with a plastic bag and some shoelaces. Seems so easy in television shows. I had an uncle who left a truck running in his garage, but my niece found him before he died. That left him with permanent brain damage. I thought…maybe I could just jump over this fence and land on my neck. But I can’t be sure…”

I couldn’t restrain myself anymore. I rushed to him. I wrapped my arms around Wes, around his soft, girlish body. I whimpered and tried to find words, to find something to say. I tried not to think about how the warm breasts pressing against my skin were there because of what I had done.

Wes didn’t try to squirm out of my grasp. He didn’t push me away. But he was rigid as I held him, his arms out. I shook my head and quietly resolved, “We’ll find a way to fix it. It’ll be okay. There’s gotta be a way. There’s gotta be something.”

He shook his head slowly and answered sullenly, “I dunno. I told you to kill me. Maybe you can blast away the part of me that hurts so much. Just hold on to me for a little longer...”

I leaned back but still kept him in my arms, half-afraid if I let him go then he would scramble up the fence and over the other side. I had to let him go though. I had to take that chance. Then, I saw it.

The brick wall down the road was cloaked in a long shadow from the setting sun but part of it was moving, shifting. Nothing stood around or above the wall though. Nothing else nearby moved. In the darkness was a shade of red in a distinct pair, like a reflection of taillights.

It dashed closer, like an ephemeral garbage bag sliding in the wind.

I wanted to say something to Wes, but I didn’t want to look away. You look away from something weird, something terrifying, something impossible, and when you look back…it’s gone and that’s the worst thing.

So, I kept my eyes there. I tried to think through what it could be. There had to be something above or at an angle, but the shadow was too small and distinct and not distorted.

It licked across the street and came to settle a few feet away from the fence. It deepened the patches of link shadows. That nasty, violent taste of dust returned even sharper.

I stared angrily at it. I was barely thinking, all feeling. It…whatever it was…was after Wes. Hunting him. Stalking him.

I glared at it and felt warmer than I should’ve felt, even with Wes’s body so close. That thing. That crawling, creeping thing. It could fucking burn!

Wes started to speak but his words stammered as the dusty shadow stretched out for his leg.

NO! You GO AWAY!

I pulled Wes from the rattling fence. She clung to me as I tightened my stare at that…slug made of darkness. Burn!

No holding back. My fire. My radioactive flame or whatever the hell it was.

I would aim it right at that damned thing. A beam. A wave. A wall of air. Like those old nuclear tests from the 50s.

It was the fake house, and I was the bomb.

I grit my teeth and stared it down. I would burn that shadow into oblivion. I heard soft sounds from Wes, but I wasn’t paying attention to them.

My everything was on the monster. Kill it. Blast it till there's nothing left. It wouldn’t hurt Wes. It wouldn’t hurt anyone.

For all my gritting and glaring and thoughts, all it took was one ebbing moment of clarity and decision and the shadow, from red ‘eyes’ to deep, black shape, melted like vapor caught in a gale till there was only the still, stretched shadows of the fence and my utter uncertainty about what the hell had just happened.

Panting softly to myself, I let my tensed muscles ease and dropped my arms from Wes’s body. His arms went around me instead, as he asked, “Are you okay?”

I looked at him. His eyes seemed a little different, even though I was sure they were the same eyes as a minute ago. But the darkness around them felt lessened. I was sure that had to be…because of the angle of the light where he was standing.

With a deep breath, I cleared my throat and said, “I dunno. I think I might be going nuts.”

“Because of that black thing?”

He said it simply and calmly. I tried to keep my jaw from trembling. “You saw it too?”

“I saw something. Like a big, dark rat maybe. Red eyes. Hiding in the shadows. Was it trying to bite us?”

A big rat. Yeah. That made more sense. We’ve both seen it. I’d just seen it wrong. I needed new glasses sooner than I thought. Or tears had streaked my eyes or something. I was freaking out because of all this, and I just misunderstood. Or I was losing it and it was infectious.

Wes took a deep breath and rested her head on my shoulder as he spoke, “I gotta say…I missed your hugs. And you’re still really warm.”

I’d felt warm. It was still kinda with me. But when I got excited, that was what happened. I swallowed and asked Wes, in turn, “Are you okay?”

He dipped his arms and looked down before looking back at me. “You know what? A little bit. More okay than before. Like...anodynic. Like a soothing balm for all the pain.”

I felt a frown on my face and asked, “Since I held you?”

He scrunched his face. “Since you pulled me away from the fence and glared at that rat or whatever. Since you felt warm like when my parents light the furnace and I stand next to it on a cold night. Since then, I feel better.”

I swallowed again. That should’ve comforted me, but I’d done something again without thinking about it, without restraining myself. What had I done to Wes?

But, at the same time, he didn’t seem unhappy or hurt. Not like before. Still, he clung to me a little bit. He was so close that I felt a tickle in my stomach that threatened to upset my bladder and everything else inside. At the same time, he looked so at ease.

“What about dying? What about me killing you?”

She locked eyes with me and said, “You were right. There’s gotta be another way. A better way than giving up to hopelessness and fear. I wish I knew what it was but…I’m glad you’re here.”

Wes gave me a soft smile and the nicest hug I’d had from him since we dated.

I took a deep breath and told her, “You should get home. Your parents are probably worried about you. And Natalie too.”

Wes nodded matter-of-factly. “Yeah. But…if you don’t mind…I was wondering. Could you walk with me a little bit? Just a little bit. Please?”

She seemed more eager to be around me than when we were an item. That unnerved me. I told her that my mom was probably freaking out that I’d been away so long when I was just going for a little walk. She chewed on her lip slightly and offered, “How about…I’ll go with you a ways…or I could even sleep over the night at your house. I don’t need much space. Please?”

Oh, I could just imagine how that would go…

Hey, mom! Here’s my former short-term boyfriend snuggling me even more than Heather did when I blasted him that first time. You mind if she stays the night so I can absolutely obliterate any chance he/she has of ever being a boy again?

Actually, I had this vague sense that if I phrased it exactly that way then my mom wouldn’t be put off. But then my mom had some stories I was better off not repeating. She was still probably mad at me though.

For the time, I agreed to let Wes walk with me in the direction of my house. He talked a little and one thing he said in particular stuck in my mind.

“…So, six out of ten people in the United States are women. And it’s like 55% female compared to 45% male in the world. Most people out there are girls. It’s scary though, but I’ve got you and Natalie, and I’ve been seeing people to help me. I’m not alone and that kinda helps with the worst of what makes this so unsettling.”

With a deep breath as we came to the main road, I reminded him, “But you wanted to die. You wanted me to kill you. You said it was like I had already destroyed you. Dysphoria. What about all that?”

Strangely, it would’ve been a small comfort to me if Wes tried to jump into traffic. Instead, she nodded and answered, “I know. I said all that. And I’ve got all those methods of killing myself in my head but like…they say in stuff in the guidance office and all that with papers and posters…it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s a cry for help. I don’t want to die. I want to live and be alright with myself and my body and who I am.”

I shook my head and murmured, “But how? You’ve changed so much. You’re not a boy anymore. Just because the majority of people are women doesn’t mean you should be. I…fucked it all up. I destroyed you…like you said.”

She still clung to me like a (I imagined) scared little sister as she nodded her head. I wasn’t sure of any further physical changes. I was too at a loss by all this to really pay attention. Her hair may have been a little longer and her face a little rounder. She kept moving her legs even though we stood in place.

“I know. My legs are shaking. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do but…I’m still here. Just gotta figure this out.” She took a deep breath. We hurried over the road at the school crossing. Still, Wes hadn’t left my side.

Right before the turn to my neighborhood, he asked me, “What do you think of the name Lea?” He emphasized the spelling and widened his eyes slightly as he waited for my answer.

I gazed at him warily. I wondered if I’d accidentally done what he asked and destroyed what was left of Wes, left of the boy.

With another heavy swallow, I told her, “Lea is a nice name. Why do you ask?”

She explained quietly, “If ever they need me to change my name because of things…it just popped in my head as a nice name. It was my great-aunt’s name. Could you see me…using Lea?”

All I offered was a shrug and the emphasis, “It’s kinda early for that. We…I…I’m sure we’ll find a way to turn you back into a boy. It’ll be okay.”

She nodded but still mouthed the name to herself. I tried not to think of Wes or Lea’s warm, unfamiliar body clinging to mine as the sun slipped its last bright edge over the mountains and a soft-sided shield of darkness settled over the entire valley.

Art by Alexis Rillera/Anirhapsodist