Chapter 44 – Sooth Thy Titmakers

I was fine as I slipped into the lethargic, undressing masses of a Friday. More volleyball but mostly more sitting on the bleachers by myself. Only this time, I had the writhing of a frantic thought.

I loved Lea and I wanted to hug her again. The sensation was thought-consuming, jagged, and urgent. It was like when I held her close and focused for a second time. But she wasn’t anywhere around. Ecstatic fear sharpened the edges of my emotion. Every heartbeat brought a visual of Lea burned into me.

Lea Lea Lea Lea Lea…

The name kept going on. Lea, I love you so much. The only analogy I could grapple for was like a mother with a newborn. Every moment since birth, her child was within reach. But now, the first moment of separation had come.

What if something happened to Lea? What if she got scared? What if she needed me? What if Lea’s day went worse than anything I imagined for any of my days? At least I could hide myself away from people. Lea didn’t deserve that, and her changes were visible to anyone. She was a nascent person, still forming, and I’d let her go into the wilderness. Oh, Lea. Lea Lea Lea. Please be okay…

Coach’s words were far off and lost to me. I followed where she pointed, but all I could hear and feel with each heartbeat was Lea…Le-a Le-a…Le-a Le-a…over and over.

Time passed with excruciating calm. It was like I was just sitting there while unknown fires burned down my heart. It was a kind of Hell I couldn’t have imagined till that moment.

Somehow, I endured. If someone talked to me, I forgot my automatic response. I was a body, and my consciousness was elsewhere, a few thousand yards away, seeking out Lea across the gulf. I’m sure I played volleyball. Maybe I was awesome. Maybe I really sucked. No idea which.

But, when the end of class finally came, I threw my clothes on and nearly forgot both my shoes and backpack. Unfortunately, one of the other coaches was over by the door and we weren’t supposed to leave till after the bell.

Fortunately, I was able to slip away with a small group when he wasn’t paying attention.

It took me some searching to remember exactly which room was Lea’s Spanish class. The first good sign was that she hadn’t been left on the front ramp to cry and curl up in a ball. That just left several dozen other bad things which could’ve happened to her. The door fluttered open with people testing it for an early exit, but this soon quieted down with some strong words wafting from inside.

I bit my nails in the meanwhile. Ravenously. I chomped down on my pointer nails first. They were always the hardest to bite through because, if I did it wrong, at best, I had a new hangnail or, at worst, I had blood oozing from the edge of the nail. The pinkies were easy bites.

I couldn’t handle this. I had to peek in. I crept up the ramp with slow steps and pressed open the door a moment. Quick look. An unfamiliar room. Plenty of Spanish phrases on the walls. The teacher turned towards me. Crap. Scan the room.

Too fleeting a look. I had to let the door close and escape. If anyone asked, I was just someone from next period thinking class had already been dismissed. Perhaps I’d seen Lea. but I just didn’t know for sure. Too many people up and milling about.

Soon, I wasn’t alone on the ramp. No one else tried the door though. I heard a scatter of shared laughter. Then, finally, the release bell went off. I let a few early escapees pass me by. No Lea.

When I came to a lull, I slipped through the shutting door. The room smelled like feral cat piss had been left to dry and permeate before being sprayed with something flowery, but the original, wretched stench was still there. Then, several horrible, funky creatures had rolled around in all that for good measure.

It took only a few careful sweeps to spot Lea. She was right by the teacher with a little notebook open in her hands. She wrote swiftly and nodded quietly. She even had a small backpack on the edge of her shoulder.

I didn’t see Gena or Robert around.

Deep breath. She looked at ease and her ease released some of my tension in turn. In a moment, she looked up from her notebook and smiled gently back at me. I caught the last words from the teacher mixed in with all the chaos of the disintegrating class.

“…And that should be it.”

Flipping the notebook closed, Lea told the teacher, “Thank you so much for everything. I’ll return the backpack on Monday. Have a great weekend.”

The teacher, who didn’t really stick in my mind even then, gave a steady nod and encouraged her, “You hang in there, Lea.”

Bowing her head, Lea made her way towards me, arched her slim eyebrows, and offered, “Heya. Did gym go well?”

I locked up for a moment. On the one hand, all my fears hadn’t come to pass but, on the other, this situation seemed too normal for any of my expectations. Lea was relaxed and smiling. This was good but felt inscrutable.

I answered quietly, as I turned to the door, “Umm…I barely remember it. You?”

Brushing her hair back, Lea stuck with me and said, “A lot better than I figured.”

We slipped quickly through the door and around two layers of foot traffic to merge with the main artery.

Stretching back, Lea elaborated, “The response was kinda…ambivalent at first. Mr. Lenz knew about my situation, so he talked with me, and I told him I wanted to be in class. No one recognized me…which is really hard to get used to. It was so unsettling and scary with my parents. I mean like…if I hadn't changed with witnesses, then who would believe me and tell others?”

That thought struck me like an all-consuming prickle. I’d considered the situation in the library as the worst possible. So many witnesses. The whole class watching in the library as Wes changed. But she was right. If she’d changed randomly with no one else watching, then it would’ve been like she’d suddenly become no one.

I nodded to her words and added simply, “Scary thought.”

Shrugging her backpack higher on her shoulder, we cut around some of the worst of the crowd as she continued, “So, he was totally cool. It was kinda like he treated me as a transfer student. I told him my name…that I picked, and he called me Lea and everything. But he also informed the class that I was a student, but I’d been out due to personal issues. He was sorta vague but made it so I didn’t have to explain a lot of stuff. ‘Lea is going to be joining us. Please make her feel muy bueno’. Heh.”

That sounded like a good way to handle it. Not complete disclosure but not lying either. So far as the rest of the class, as Lea could relay it to me between the shrieks and yells of passing students, it sounded thoroughly mundane. She just kept to herself and didn’t say anything to Gena or Robert or anyone else she knew. That made me frown, but her mood didn’t dip.

I asked her what she was going to do for second period. At least asking briefly kept my mind off what I was going to do for mine. She assured me her teacher had called ahead to her next class and already made arrangements. Next, she showed off her backpack and explained, “He even let me borrow a spare backpack in his lost and found collection. And he let me have a notebook and something to write with. So all that worked out!”

I flashed her a slight smile, wishing I’d had the foresight to help her out before we even left. But at least it had been resolved. It was a tired question, but I asked her again, “You alright?”

She took a little breath and smirked. “I dunno. It was like the first day all over again and that was stressful. But I got through it. My next, Chemistry, has Natalie though. What should I say?...”

I thought back on the mental image of Wes and Natalie, the cuddling couple. An image that would never come again in quite the same way. I clasped my hands behind me for strength as I asked, "What have you two said to each other so far?" I recalled Wes alluded to a fight. I swallowed.

She held her hands behind her head. "A total cornucopia of yelling, bitterness, and nasty words. I want to tell her sorry and just make her feel happy again, but how do I...start?"

Looking ahead, there was a finite, looming encroachment of her chemistry class. Time couldn't stand still between classes, just during them. I had to offer her something and quickly.

The easy, lame answer was she just had to be herself. Of course, being "herself" was the point of stress and pain. And she was a different herself than she'd been just twenty-four hours before. Not that moment to moment uncertainty wasn't a teenage preoccupation but gender usually remained consistent.

Deep breath and little time. So, I put to her, "Try me first. Test what you want to say on me?"

She let her hands drop and stared ahead at the cracked, black-speckled pavement before softly deciding, "Alright. I guess that could work. Less nerves and freaking out with you." She accented her words with a faint smile.

I guided her away from the 300s classrooms and over to the band building off to the side. It straddled the side parking lot and had dense oaks planted long ago. stretching tall above the roofs. We stopped beneath the whispering, chilly shade of the nearest. Appropriately, I think Drama classes were nearby.

Setting her loaner backpack on some bulging roots, Lea rotated her shoulder and began, "Morning, Nat. How are you?"

It struck me right then I only had the slimmest sense of Natalie's personality, even though I’d told myself she was awesome (for Wes’s sake). He had expressed to me in passing that she and I shared a lot of interests and would probably get along well. At the time, I'd brushed those words off with a smile and a nod, but I returned to them. Just be me but in her situation.... Deep breath.

"Where did you go last night? I was so scared. Your parents just told me you were okay but...ohmagawd are you okay?"

Lea's reaction was one slightly-raised, Vulcan-like eyebrow. I wasn't in Drama, just down the path from it. But she stuck with my words, "I am so sorry for storming off and upsetting you, but I'm fine. It's all....a little complicated, but I'm okay. A lot of stuff has happened but it's okay."

I wanted to be fine with that, but I had to keep in mind Natalie's obvious confusion. "What happened?"

She unfurled much the same information I knew. Heading out for a walk. She skipped over suicidal feelings and just said she was at her "lowest". I clutched my hands in concern like I thought Natalie might. Then, she mentioned Kenzie, and I had words for that, "Her? Again? What did she do? What did she take away this time?"

Lea paused with widened eyes and took a deep breath like my many. "Kenzie talked to me and she...comforted me. She did nothing bad. Only good."

While the sentiment made me want to smile, I knew I had to be confused and concerned, if not stern, for the roleplay.

With each word carefully stressed, I reiterated, "What did she do?"

Naturally, the warning bell went off right at my last word. No more time to prepare. Lea shifted on her legs and lifted up her pack. It seemed like there were so many words and so many different combinations sifting through her thoughts.

Calmly, she finally settled on, "She made me into a girl and, with the best hug ever, she finished the task. I'm not depressed. I'm not broken anymore. I'm not hurting. I'm just me....This is me and I feel good to be me." She emphasized her last words by patting the softest parts of her body and holding a steady gaze.

I couldn't think of what else to say but to tell her, "Good luck, Lea."

Art by Alexis Rillera/Anirhapsodist