Chapter 45 - Love Notion, Are You Mine?

She shrugged her pack higher on her right shoulder, smiled eagerly at me, and replied, "Thanks. Now to do it for real. But at least I get to share all of third with you." One last hug before she made her way into the morning light.

I should've just turned towards the 200s classrooms and been on my way but the leftover feeling of Lea consuming my thoughts urged me to follow after her along the edge of campus.

She was ahead but still in sight. I watched her body language. Her steps were steady and quick but not rushed. In a way, I could see the old Wes in the way she walked, pressing her Vans ahead of her. But it was overshadowed by the swivel of her hips and the bounce of her hair.

It was probably the wrong thing to do, like usual, but I focused whatever strength or bizarre energy I had on her retreating shape. The act didn't have the singular focus of my efforts last night, but I quietly hoped it might steel her resolve for whatever challenges dropped before her.

Out of fear I might be spotted by Natalie and just complicate things, as well as concern about a tardy, I finally diverted left and through the open area beside the cafeteria.

The steps and thoughts between there, past the library, and on to class should've been empty and calm, but they filled like a clogged, spurting sink streaming out a single, heady question: Did I love Lea?

If you counted the moments her name pounded my thoughts all through gym, the clammy closeness of last night, and my hope to see her again as soon as possible, then it should've been love. But I'd felt something like love for Wes half a high school lifetime ago and it didn't feel like this.

I'd pondered the feeling of a sibling. Even without one, I knew that siblings didn't always connect so fiercely. Unlike a handful of my classmates, I had no experience with children and had only my parents to work from. The abstract ideal of a child and parent might approach it.

Still, there was an undeniable, tangible love. But what did it mean? Not like a lover. Not quite how I imagined a sibling. Too kind and close in age to be parental. At the same time, it seemed to touch on warm aspects of each. It needed a new word, but I was no good at inventing them.

Biology's open door cut my thought short. I scraped my feet across the edge of the sidewalk and hurried in.

Far too many classmates milled around the group tables. Plenty ignored me or didn't care that I was there, but I recognized every eye turned my way in scrutiny. I slipped into Mr. Bledsoe's office/the storage room.

He was waiting for me this time with some worksheets in hand, as he explained, "It's pre-quiz and review today, so I want to try something different. I talked with Castellanos and he had success rotating you in groups. So, let’s try that.”

I had no complaints but plenty of anxiety. Even though Ramirez and Sal often skipped Fridays, there was always a chance they would attend today. And Sophia was rarely absent. She was sure to say something too. So many consequences.

And Ben. How would he respond after our last period chat? Did I have an obligation to tell anyone how my afternoon and evening had gone? What about Cody?

All those tumbling thoughts poked at me as I stepped cautiously back into the main classroom. Bledsoe commanded the attention of all at the final bell. I stood off to the side.

Ramirez and Sal were easy to spot and appeared normal. But they both had the stare you give someone when they remind the teacher at the end of class that we were all supposed to get extra homework. First time I’d been that person.

I rested my eyes and embraced my backpack. I imagined it was Lea from last night. I had no idea if thinking about her like this was good or not, but it made me feel incrementally better.

Sitting there, amidst the few who scowled at me, the few who were confused, and the many who had no idea what to think, was like icy water. Not that I’d been in anything worse than the seconds when the shower started, but I could imagine something akin to the Polar Bear Club.

The first moment was excruciating, and I had no idea what to do, but as I sat there, and nothing terrible happened, it became bearable. Not good but bearable.

I turned my attention to my textbook and some random notes I’d made with Ben and Rebecca. Rebecca turned up in her usual place in the back, but I still hadn’t spotted Ben or Cody. I tried not to dwell on their absence.

The first group I got moved to had me in an extra chair at the end of the table, almost at the very back of the room. Whether by coincidence or design, those nearest to me were girls. A small, Korean girl in a heavy sweater with slim glasses and a lanky, dirty-blond haired girl with a smattering of acne on her forehead.

On the far side was a black guy, whose hair flowed into a lean flat-top, and a heavy-set Hispanic guy who was watching the lecture with his pen out. The other three were watching me.

The blond spoke first. “So, like, what’s going on?”

So many ways to tell the same story…

Fuck it...

“I suddenly got the power to turn boys into girls just by being around them and no one knows what to do with me.”

Her eyes widened and the trio paying attention looked between each other. After confirming I wasn’t bullshitting, the blond said, “I heard it was like a…poison thing in class. It’s you?”

I frowned at the poison idea and she expressed the most recent rumor, “Like…there’s all sorts of weird stuff in science aaand it was like…Your group got exposed to some poison thing with estrogen. That’s why Mr. B took us out and stuff.”

None of that made any sense. If only I’d known the rumor to confirm it before telling the truth. But it was out.

“Nah. It was me. I dunno. Maybe I was exposed to something. But, wherever I go, it happens again and again.”

She planted her hands on the table. The guy with a pen out finally looked up. Flat-top had leaned away but hadn’t said anything I could hear. The Korean girl squinted at me. Blondie was still the only one talking though.

Brushing her hair back, the blond girl asked, “So like…how does it work?”

I shrugged a little and told her, “I just sit near someone and it happens. Even if I don’t want it to happen. It happens to girls too but like, they just get longer hair and look prettier.”

Blondie leaned forward. “That’s cool. But, man, you can’t be around like boys or they become girls? That would totally suck. I’m sorry. But they like...turn back, right?”

I could’ve fibbed. But, fuck me, I told her, “Most but my ex-boyfriend got turned into a girl, and he’s been stuck that way. I dunno why, but he seems alright about it.”

She again asked for re-confirmation, while shaking her head in quiet surprise. This time, flat-top narrowed his eyes at me. Firm words from Bledsoe led to an interruption in our chat. We had to act like we were making progress on the review from the handout.  

When it was possible to talk again, Blondie continued, “That’s nuts. Like why would a guy ever want to be a girl?” I shrugged at her and held my arms. I withheld Wes’s name but, if she had a class with Lea, she was sure to piece it together.

Flat-top finally said something, by pointing out, “Maybe he really likes titties.”

Blondie snorted a chuckle and adjusted her top before asking, “How much you like titties, Dunk?”

“Fuckin’ lot…but not like that. So, you…none of that voodoo whatever shit over here.” He pointed at me, shook his head, and made a circle around his face with his fingers.

The blond girl leaned back and asked ‘Dunk’, “Maybe I should ask her to use it on you…for fun…”

Dunk cursed at her and she laughed. They fanned their hands at each other like feuding siblings. She soon explained, “That’s Duncan. Or just Dunk, because he thinks he can do that on the court.”

“Fuck you, bitch! I can jam up on anyone.”

As an aside, she told me, “Once. But like…he had the ball here and he climbed on top of this guy and then like…” She made a goofy face similar to someone who just passed gas and was very bad at hiding it. “…He gets a face full of net. I laughed my ass off.”

“Nuh uh. I had better. You just didn’t see.”

They batted at each other a few more times before Bledsoe settled it down. This was pretty typical for the back of the room. It looked like the Korean girl was doodling. Between the fighting, the blond girl got around to introductions.

“Oh, I’m Kathryn with a K…but really I’m Kats. That moron there is Duncan or Dunk. And that’s Carlos and Jen.”

I gave her my name and she smiled. “Oh, cool! You’re like a K too? That’s awesome.” Bledsoe worked over to our end of the room. Kats settled down as he approached. She opened her book on no page in particular and tried to make it look as though she was busy.  

Eventually, he came around the side and asked, “Everyone okay over here? Miss Waller? You okay here?”

I nodded as assurance. Actually, right then, I was cool with sticking around. Sure, there was really only one person out of the group that even had an interest in me, but one out of four friendly was a good rate on any day.

Art by Alexis Rillera/Anirhapsodist