“So what did you want to speak to me about?” Theo asks as we sit in his jeep at the clearing from before. I look over at him and remain silent. I don’t know where to start nor how to feel.

Sighing I get out of the jeep, closing the door behind me and make my way to the front of the jeep where I sit down on the grass.

Theo comes over and looks at me with a troubled look in his eyes.

As he sits down he moves closer to me. I lean my head on his shoulders and start, “Theo, I have so much going on in my life right now and I’m so happy that you chose to be with me but there are some things that I can’t accept nor pretend that I’m okay with it.”

Sitting up I look at him, “I’ve told you before that I’m suicidal because I’ve been trying my best to be someone I’m not. I noticed that I became ugly and hateful inside, so I tend to lash out at others when my medication wears out and over the course of the last four months I’ve become better but it still doesn’t change anything.”

Taking his hand in mine I squeeze it firmly and look at him, “These past few months with you have been amazing and I hope that we’ll be together in the future too but there are some things you need to know. When I left here, I met Cindy and she taught me how to be myself and that it was better this way, during that time I also lost my virginity to her, not because she forced it on me but because I asked for it,” I say and his eyes widen but don’t comment.

I continue, “I’ve been sleeping with her till now, whenever I went back to see her,” I say and I can see the shock, anger and disappointment. He gets up and steps away from me. Looking up at him, I can see him clench his hands into a fist as he frowns deeply, it seems like he is fighting himself.

I slowly get up with a sigh and continue, “I know this is a lot to taking in but I can't apologize for it. The reason why we didn’t have sex until today is that I’m still in a sexual relationship with Cindy and to put the cherry on the cake, the baby inside her is mine,” I say and the anger that was on his face is instantly replaced with shock.

Before he can say anything I interrupt him, “I know right, you wouldn’t expect that of me but it still happened although it was an accident, I don’t regret it. This year I’ve been continuously learning things and one lesson I learnt was that I shouldn’t be cheating on you. Cindy and I may not be in a relationship but I still love her, I treat her like my family because I know she needs me as well as I need her and now that we have a baby on the way, I know that even if everyone else looks down on me, my baby will still love me the most and I will love him more.”

“I don’t want you to blame Cindy for me cheating because I was well aware of it this entire time. I spoke to her last month after the baby shower and told her that I’m ready to take our relationship to the next stage, so we haven’t been sexually active since then and I know this won’t change the fact that I still cheated on you but for me, it makes a difference. I’ve finally learnt to love and trust you Theo but you too, if you’re willing to accept that I did this, we can only move forward from here – it’s not fair to you but I hope that you can understand.”

I look at Theo who has his back faced to me with his head hung low. I can't see his expression nor has he spoken to me this entire time. He’s been quietly listening and I – I just don’t know, this is selfish of me but I – if anyone understands what I am going through, they’ll know that it's not easy taking this step, I’m scared of everything. Scared of the baby, scared of telling everyone, scared that Theo will leave me, scared that I’ll be looked down upon.

Crouching down, I hug my knees and cry into them, all of this is just too much. If I could, I would have kept it to myself but while he grows, he’ll look just like me and it wouldn’t be right of me to deny that he is my child. I love him even now before I can even hold him, just imagine how much I’ll love him when he’s here?

I already made preparations a while back to support Cindy so we won’t have financial problems.

I feel muscular arms wrap around me but he isn’t saying anything. I raise my head to look at Theo and his beautiful green eyes are red. Leaning his forehead against mine he closes his eyes while I just look at him – my heart hurts but what can I do?

The whole ride back home was silent. He didn’t say anything to me and I didn’t want to say anything more in case he might get angry with me. He had tears falling from his eyes and he didn’t wipe them away to hide them.

When I got out of the jeep he didn’t look my way and just drove off. Walking into the house I get bombarded with questions but ignore them while walking up to my room. Reegon sneaks his way into my room and I close the door behind us.

He looks at me worriedly and I can't even smile at him to assure him that I’m okay which is a lie.

Falling onto my bed after kicking my jeans off, I pull Reegon to myself while he lays down and I cry into his back. He ends up crying too which just makes things worse but I don’t do anything to comfort us both.

Since the door is locked, my mother can't get into the room and I’m surprised by all her threatening that Reegon doesn’t open the door.

After a while of crying, I settle down and turn Reegon over to face me. He cups my face but doesn’t say anything.

“Do you remember the baby shower that I went to?” I ask him and he nods his head.

Smiling I say to him, “It’s my baby, you’re going to be an uncle,” I say and he looks at me confused.

“Will you help me look after him?” I ask and after a moment of hesitation, he nods his head making me smile.

Kissing his forehead I whisper, “I knew I could count on you.”