11: Love

David’s view

Jessica’s gonna be pregnant. I’m gonna be a mom. I don’t know how to feel about that. Do I want to be a mom? … No… I… David, doesn’t. I’m confused. When I think of being a mom as David, it’s a pretty resounding no. When I think of being a mom as Jessica… it’s not. This is so confusing. Why can’t I just have one clear opinion? This contradiction between how I feel as David and as Jessica is really, really confusing. 

“Hey, priest. How do you know what’s right?”

“I don’t. I just have faith.”

“Faith? Does that help?”

“It makes it easier to get through uncertainty. Though I do sometimes need someone to remind me, like when I reported you and was reminded of the importance of believing in god’s chosen.”

“Just being told to believe in me is enough?”

“No, that’s not it. It was just a reminder. I’d already seen enough. Not only do you wield the holy light, when I was being coerced into visiting the demon realm, you noticed and let me go. It’s still a little hard to believe that woman is you, but her kindness made it clear that she’s just as good a person as you are.”

“... you’ve really been watching me a lot, huh?”

“Yes, and I’m really in awe of you. You have shown enormous ability and kindness.”

“...”

Kindness? I’m kind? That seems like way too strong a word for what I do… perhaps his standards are just really low? I mean, I don’t go out of my way to help people. I just do what I want to do, and rarely think things through all that much. 

“Can you give an example? How am I kind?”

He looked at me funny in response, like he didn’t understand how I could not know, before eventually speaking.

“Well, you accepted me when I said I was to continue to travel with you, and didn’t even question me. You were never angry with me and just completely accepted me even though I barely explained a thing.”

“Seriously? That impresses you? I feel like I’m being thanked for mere apathy.”

“Most people would consider me a traitor, and even if they let me go, they’d refuse to let me rejoin.”

I feel like I’m looking at a puppy who responds to the most basic affection like it’s the most amazing thing in the world… it’s cute. Damnit, not again! I don’t even know if I really like him in that way, or if it’s just because of Rev planting that idea in my head, and my imagination running off with it. Or maybe I’m just desperate for any closeness I can get due to being alone for so many years.

It really isn’t fair. Jessica has so much love and affection, and I don’t seem to benefit from any of it. When I remember Osia and Revenna, I just feel lust, and desire, but not any of the love I’d feel if I were thinking of them as Jessica. I have no memories that bring me that feeling… wait… thinking of the conversation I just had does… damnit. I really am falling for this guy, just because he says such sweet things. Somehow, knowing he has faith in me… faith in my doing the right thing… it gives me a warm feeling inside. It helps me. 

Doubt had been filling my head before this conversation, before Rev’s crazy ideas distracted me. Doubt and fear of screwing things up. Yet this one guy, this one crazy priest, makes me feel better with just a few words. 

“Thank you. I’m glad you’re here. Would it be alright if we exchanged names?”

“E-eh? R-really? W-with me? I-I’d be honored! I-I’m Edward!”

“David. Nice to meet you Edward.”

… well, now I know his name. I can’t use that as an excuse to reject my feelings anymore. I hate this anxiety though. Not knowing how he feels, not knowing if it’s safe to share my own feelings with him. I’d rather fight another ancient dragon. That was simple. Having a crush on this guy is seriously scarier than any fight I’ve ever been in. Yet, it still feels a lot better than being alone.

What’s right and wrong are still not things I fully understand, but knowing Ed trusts me, it feels like maybe I don’t need to know. I’ll just keep following my instincts, and hope for the best. 

…

Jessica’s view

“Oh thank god that worked.”

“What did? Jess?”

“David fell for the priest. The priest is Edward, by the way.”

“You got his name!? Finally! Progress!”

“Yeah. I was worried about David because it felt like his loneliness and doubt was going to crush him. If Edward hadn’t joined him, or said the wrong things, I think he might’ve had a mental breakdown.”

“Eh? You seem fine, Jessi. Why would David have a breakdown if Jessi is fine?”

“Well, Sia, for some reason, how I feel as Jessica doesn’t really affect how David feels, and how David feels doesn’t really affect how Jessica feels. It’s honestly really weird.”

“That doesn’t explain why David would have a breakdown.”

“Rev, remember how I said I used to think everything in these two lives was a dream?”

“Yeah.”

“As David, I hunted monsters my whole life and towards the end, some of what I did was a little questionable. I’ve hunted monsters that have lived for hundreds of years, if not even longer than that. After realizing this wasn’t a dream, I began to worry that perhaps I’d been more of a harm to this world, than a help.”

“Haah, having a breakdown over concern the world might be better off without you? That’s so like you.”

“What? Sia, Jess doesn’t worry like that!”

“She does care enough about the good of the world, that she’d probably have a breakdown if she began to think she had been doing harm her whole life.”

“Oh… yeah, I see what you mean.”

“I feel like I’m missing something.”

“You’re kind.”

“Too kind.”

“Definitely too kind.”

“I like it though.”

“It’s the reason I could never abandon you, even when I realized you wouldn’t be able to give me what I really wanted most.”

“Eh? What do you really want most, Rev?”

She blushed really strongly in response to that.

“Ah! For-forget I said anything!”

“Rev wishes your feelings towards her were the same as her feelings towards you, but it’s clear your love is a bit different.”

“I don’t think I understand. Sorry, Rev.”

“It’s not your fault. You can’t control your heart. Just like I can’t control mine. I love you as you are Jess. Don’t feel bad that perfection is out of reach.”

“I do wish you could have everything you desire though.”

“We all wish for more than reality can give us. I’m not willing to miss all this wonderful time with you, just because it isn’t perfect. Besides, this way I get Sia too.”

Osia responded to that by kissing Rev, and it quickly turned into a wonderful scene of my two dearest loves making out. God, I’m so blessed.

…

While David sleeps a priest named Edward lies awake, riddled with anxiety.

Oh god, I can’t believe I said something so cheesy. Faith? Maybe if I truly had as much faith as I claim to, I’d be a better priest. I did speak the truth, but… not the whole truth. It’s really not so much faith, as just desperately wanting to believe in him. I want it to be true, I want him to be the one. If the world was run by people like him, perhaps it could be nicer. Plus, I’m pretty sure I’ve got a crush on him. *sigh* I can tell he’s straight from how he looked at the ladies though. I just hope he never turns against the church. If I had to choose between the church and him… I don’t want to think about it. Thank god the church told me to stay with him. Thank god he didn’t stay in the demon realm. I just wish I knew how to deal with these feelings of mine. It’s hard being so close, when I want to be even closer. The yearning is rough.