CW: Depression, self hatred
The floor was nice, as nice as she deserved anyhow. It had been where Elaine spent most of the past few days. It was probably best that she stay there permanently. That or drunk at some bar. To do that she’d have to leave her apartment though, which didn’t sound appealing. If she was going to wither away into nothingness she’d rather do it in the comfort of home where she could turn off the lights and draw the blinds.
Everything was fucked, everything had been fucked from the moment the twins showed up and Elaine was fucking pissed at them for ruining everything and it was also all her fault for not realizing sooner even though realistically she couldn’t have known it would be them but she should always prepare for the worst and now Allie was in some hell prison and Elaine was out in the real world being absolutely useless because, in what came as a surprise to nobody but herself, nobody in power gave a fuck what she thought. Not that it should have been a surprise. But believing in the benevolence of a bunch of super-powered oligarchs was ostensibly the same as believing in Santa Claus: it was a lot easier to believe when you really, really wanted it to be true.
“Oooh fancy metaphor, Elaine. Maybe you can fucking metaphor your way into a supermax prison and rescue Allie, you useless piece of shit.” She hadn’t actually spoken to another person since the ruling, so insulting herself out loud had become her only form of social interaction. For the most part, though, Elaine occupied herself through self-torment. Images of that day flickered in and out of her mind on repeat. Of the look on Allie’s face when Elaine betrayed her, of the sinking, twisting gnawing pain Elaine felt come to life when Allie was sentenced.
She was a non-violent offender, it was her first time being taken in, they were supposed to put her in the care of a stronger hero in the hopes of her being rehabilitated. Those were the rules, all four major guilds agreed to uphold those rules and they just ignored them, for what? Keeping any delta locked up was obscenely expensive, all that work for someone as harmless as Allie was just cruel. It was wrong, it was deliberate, it made no sense. It was something Elaine kept going back to, not that it mattered. Finding out why wouldn’t save Allie.
That didn’t stop her from endlessly obsessing over that fact. Her entire plan had hinged on Allie being taken in for reform. Elaine could have helped Allie if she’d been put in a reform program. She could have protected her, made sure her handler looked the other way or was distracted when Allie needed to steal parts for her project. Maybe she could have even used Allie’s crusade to push the system to something more just. Fat chance, her brain shot back. Some part of her knew that wasn’t possible, always had known. Those first couple of days Elaine had spent hours on the phone, in queues, at lawyers offices, talking to her superiors, but nothing ever happened. She was stonewalled at every turn, told to drop it, told she was asking too many questions. Had her ‘loyalty’ questioned at every turn. And what surprised her was how not surprising any of that was, like she knew deep down it was pointless.
So maybe it was time to listen to that other part of her instead. To not listen to the part that wanted to believe in a magic fat man and his flying deer. That had her convinced she could be with Allie and fight villains all without having to grapple with how fundamentally unjust everything was. It was a convenient little lie she’d sold herself. When she convinced herself she could change things from within it became a lot easier to not ask questions like ‘why is it none of the Jewish kids get presents?’ Or ‘why am I cooperating with these corporate hacks and their attack dogs that traded jackboots for spandex?’
She was an idiot. She was an idiot for trusting things could ever go well, for not trying harder to keep the twins away. Lexi and Allie had both been so close to getting away. If she’d bought them a few more seconds they could have escaped. Whatever savage beating the twins would have given Elaine had she tried to hold them off a little longer was surely better than this. Better than having to deal with the image of the woman she cared so deeply about being hauled away in chains, or hearing her whimpering, crying at the betrayal she’d suffered. Better than laying on the floor of her apartment feeling sorry for herself.
There were so many points she could have done something differently, but she didn’t. Elaine could have just said ‘fuck this’ and refused to take the call alltogether, important heroes did that all the time when they had better things to do, but she was too scared of the consequences for that. Elaine could have listened to her conscience and believed Arcadia when she said she was doing good, but nope, being mad about her date was more important than doing the right thing apparently. How did that make her any less fickle or vain than the other psychopath heroes she claimed to hate so much? And of course, she couldn’t let herself forget she let her own hornyness cloud her judgment and put the woman she cared about at risk. That same woman was now reaping the consequences of all her bad Choices.
Elaine had always been a coward who would rather drink the Kool-Aid than actually put herself at risk, she knew that now. And sure, acknowledging that was all fine and good, the first step is admitting you have a problem and all. But what was she supposed to do? Oh, how she wished to dash herself against the walls of the wretched place that held Allie. But she couldn’t, that was a suicide mission. The twins were hardly the only deltas who could kick her as into next week. No, Elaine would need the help of some incredibly powerful deltas to even hope to rescue Allie. And she simply didn’t know any who would be willing and able to do such a thing other than - oh. “God fucking dammit.” She blurted into the empty space around her.
Once it took root, Elaine couldn’t get the thought out of her head. It was her only option, really. Nobody else was willing to risk life and limb for Allie, so few others seemed competent enough to actually manage it, but there was something different about Lexi in those heavy, tense moments that night. A certain brutality, a competence that Elaine wasn’t quite sure anyone had ever seen from her before. The more Elaine thought about it, the more she realized just how terrifying Dr. DeLEXIous was. A genius inventor with an enigmatic power and an unwavering dedication to save her sister. Granted, there was probably at least a 70% chance Lexi would just kill Elaine on sight, what was it she’d said ‘if she’s hurt I’m coming for you first?’ Whatever, it didn’t matter she was done playing safe. Her unwillingness to take risk, to put herself in jeopardy had harmed Allie. It was time to be a fucking hero. A real one. If only she could stop herself from shaking.
Then again, a bit of fear might be helpful in the end, she’d gotten where she was by pretending she had everything under control, and now she was about to charge headlong into the secret lair of a dangerous supervillainess who wanted her dead and probably could very easily deliver. Well, actually first she’d need to find said secret lair. Her head fell. That was going to be an obstacle in and of itself. It wasn’t as though she could just punch “Dr. DeLEXIous’ secret lair” into her phone.
And then she’d have to somehow convince a furious Lexi that no, she wasn’t here to attack or do any harm. She, the woman who’d sold out her and her sister was actually here to help, and that Lexi should totally trust the woman who betrayed her instead of just feeding her to alligators or whatever. She exhaled a hopeless sigh, lightly hitting her head against the floor repeatedly in frustration. The idea of just giving up, of not ever bothering tumbled around in her head some more before her brain helpfully reminded her that she was a total piece of shit and if the way this all unfolded was her getting killed by Lexi then at least she’d have tried.
With something akin to purpose, Elaine rose to her feet. The floor would welcome her when she was done, when Allie was free and the only sorrow left for Elaine to contend with was heartbreak. She crossed the room to her desk, she didn’t know where to find Lexi, but she had at least some tools to help her find out. A plan was starting to crystalize in her head: she would locate Lexi, she would convince her to help -somehow-, they would rescue Allie and then, well, then Elaine would probably live the rest of her life alone and a wanted criminal. But that was fine, that was the price for atonement. Maybe she could fall in with some of the other unsanctioned vigilantes, Punk Paragon was cool, she could be like a lamer Punk Paragon.
She woke up her computer and accessed the guild’s internal files on Dr. DeLEXIous. Unfortunately her guild was likely not the best informed. OS cared little for villains that didn’t challenge his own employees. The Keepers would probably be her best bet, since Sentinel was technically a part of them, not that she actually participated in their bullshit posturing and politicking. It kind of made sense then why Lexi liked her. Sentinel was Slipspace, but powerful, not edgy, and actually willing to stand up to the system instead of quietly nip at its heels then run away yapping at the first sign of danger.
As she suspected, files on Lexi were sparse. There was limited data here and there on Lexi. Mostly when and where she appeared, what harebrained scheme she’d cooked up, how she’d been stopped (which without fail was always by Sentinel), and a summary of whatever limited damage she’d incurred. All of it gave the impression that Lexi was not a villain most took particularly seriously, which seemed to be an advantage, should she actually be able to convince Lexi to cooperate. If they underestimated her there would be a certain element of surprise. Still, nothing she could find actually suggested or hinted at any sort of method for actually finding Lexi. It almost seemed like her best bet would be to just follow Sentinel around. “That’s only a last resort.” She muttered into the darkness around her. Sentinel already had one gay delta stalking her, she didn’t need another.
Elaine was in the process of looking into how to request info on villain’s from other guilds when, as luck would have it, Elaine found Lexi. Or, more accurately, Lexi found Elaine. Or even more accurately, Elaine’s wall burst open with a crash loud enough to awaken some spark of emotion within her besides self-loathing, namely surprise, and when she turned to follow the noise Lexi was just there. She stood back in the torn open wall, surrounded by dust clouds and ankle deep in debris.
She had donned her full battle regalia, with upgrades, it seemed. Her armor appeared bigger and more imposing than ever, now covering her entire face, and lacking any sort of openings to show curves of any sort. Protruding from just about every part of the getup was an all new set of high-tech weaponry. The array of shoulder mounted cannons, wrist lasers, arm rockets, and automated drones took aim at just about every part of her body. Well, she did say she was going to come for you. Her brain helpfully reminded her. Elaine closed her eyes, so this was how she died.
Patreon
Selenebun· Oct 22, 2020
