TheMangaGod

This was a difficult chapter to write. I've not had PTSD before and have only really seen it in the movies. Most books I read don't really deal with how a modern, untrained, person would deal with the sort of tragedy Rose went through. Especially when she, herself, was the target of the attack, at least in part. I've always found it weird that most Isekai anime/manga/light novels never really deal with the guilt that comes from killing, or people being killed, and instead opt to make their MC's more like game characters with little to no care for how their actions will affect those around them except when it comes to the story. Most modern people wouldn't be okay with buying slaves just because it's okay with the locals, most modern people would absolutely freak the fuck out if someone died in front of them, and most modern people wouldn't be able to handle the aftermath of a disaster like the one in the Arena without severe counseling. 

I had to balance this desire to be a bit more realistic with my addressing of Rose's mental state with not wanting my MC to be a broken mess throughout the entire story, especially when she's still dealing with her issues from her past life. This story isn't, and will never be, a tragedy. Tragic things will happen, sometimes often, but I am not going to make that a main theme of the story and have no interest in writing such a sad plot. That's not to say that sad things won't happen, and that people won't die but it's more balanced than if the story was more tragic. Anyway, that's enough about my reasoning!

This chapter serves as a sort of turning point to the story. Rose will still have issues with many things going forward, I don't plan on turning her into a person that can just slaughter hundreds without batting an eye, she'll definitely have the ability to (arguably she already does) but she's not a monster and won't go all murderhobo later on.

Just a reminder that the next chapter is on Patreon as always! I'm also pushing to get up to 10 chapters ahead of the Public Release so please support me as long as it will not negatively affect you! You can also support me on PayPal if you can't afford monthly amounts! Please support me there if you enjoy my novel and can afford to do so! Thank you and enjoy the new chapter!

- Abelis Academy City, City Streets, A Day Later- Rose's POV –

[Come on come on! It’s right over here!] – Karen

[S-Slow down!] – Rose

Yet again I found myself on a date, and yet again I was being dragged around by my beautiful violet jello bean. I’d always known that she was almost always the more confident and dominant one in most of her relationships. I’d seen enough of her dates over the years and even participated in turning her bi partners into squealing messes. Not that it’d felt like it was actually me doing so, to be honest as it felt more like being used as a tool rather than for my own enjoyment.

Regardless though I’d never been directly on the receiving end of that treatment, and it was completely different than just being used as a “living dildo”. Despite this unfamiliarity however it wasn’t bad, equal parts terrifying and exciting I couldn’t help imagining myself in some of the positions I’d seen her past girlfriends in over the years. I honestly wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle her whe-i-if we started dating. Y-Yeah “if”.

[Where are we even going?!? You dragged me all the way through the ci-] – Rose

I trailed off as I saw a massive building looming ahead of us. I’d been pulled through the rapidly rebuilding city at a manic pace for the last half hour, only recognizing a few unchanged landmarks, even so I hadn’t realized where I was being taken until it was too late.

[The Arena…] – Rose

- Abelis Academy City, Arena - Rose's POV –

[No.] – Rose

The darkness nearly took me again as fear emanated from the deepest depths of my mind. A fear and guilt that I’d pushed down so far that I had hoped I’d never notice it again only for it to surge forth once more at the sight of that terrible building.

In the time since the attack, I’d seen the Arena from a distance of course, it was the largest single building in the city after all, and even seen the aftermath of the Church’s destruction elsewhere. Even still I’d never directly confronted the source of my trauma and guilt since that terrible day.

And I still wasn’t ready, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be.

[Stay. Please?] – Karen

[I-I can’t I seriousl-] – Rose

Turning to flee my crossed arms was instead the thing used to shackle me. I’d initially only thought she was holding hands with mine out of excitement but, in hindsight, it seemed obvious that she knew that I’d attempt to run. Not that I was in clear enough mind to realize that right now as I was beginning to have a panic attack.

I’d, of course, been aware that Karen knew of the source of my recent problems for a while now. As the person that had known me for the longest time, she, more than anyone, had to know what was eating me up inside, how could she not?

B-But I wasn’t ready, not now, I couldn’t do it…

[Please? I kno-] – Karen

[Oho?!? Is that the Hero of the Arena?] – Passing Pedestrian

[Huh?] – Both Karen and Rose

[Oh? You’re right it is! And her friend is with her too! Hey! Miss Hero! I hope I’m not interrupting anything, but I’ve wanted to thank you ever since the Explosion! I was in the seats when you saved us. If you and your friends hadn’t stopped that Fake Hero even more people would’ve died! From everyone, thank you!] – Construction Worker

[Hey! Don’t get ahead of the rest of us! You’re not the only one saved by her!] – Passing Pedestrian

[Me too me too! Thank you for saving Mommy and Daddy, Big Sister!] Young Demi Child

[Shh! Don’t bother the Hero, Garnet, she’s probably doing something important. Ahem! I apologize for bothering you on your day off but please, take our thanks as well. Without you we would have lost the most important thing in the world to us. Thank you so much.] – Child’s Mother

[I-I didn’t I don’t…] – Rose

[Thank you for your kind words, everyone! The Hero of the Arena and I have some important business to attend to, but we appreciate your thanks!] – Karen

Karen’s response, whatever she’d planned it to be, was interrupted by a passing man that was walking down the sidewalk besides us. His exclamation, drawing the attention of everyone nearby, quickly had us surrounded by dozens of people. Some of them, survivors of the Explosion, heaped praise on me while many more clamored to push their own way to the front and pay their respects.

Overwhelming. The outpouring of appreciation was far too much to handle especially since I didn’t feel I deserved it. I was the reason these people suffered so much. It wasn’t fair that they believed that I saved them when none of this would have happened without me.

Luckily, seeing that I was about to break, I was rescued by my violet savior as she pushed our way through the quickly growing crowd.

- Abelis Academy City, Obscure Side Street - Rose's POV –

[Hah hah! W-What- What was that?] – Rose

Finally, after minutes of running down narrow alleyways (slithering in my case) and ducking into buildings, we’d managed to shake off the crowd of excited pursuers. I-It was scary! As someone that had never been all that visible to strangers the thought of hundreds of people all viewing me as a Hero was a terrifying prospect made all the more terrible because I didn’t deserve it.

[That was a bit more exciting than I thought it would be but that was how most people in the city view you now. You’re the Hero of the Arena. You fought on their behave against that monster that the Church sent. Regardless of the official stance anyone that was in that Arena, anyone that saw you struggle against insurmountable odds, see’s you as a true Hero.] – Karen

[B-But I’m the reas-] – Rose

[You’re not. You feel guilty, you’re eating away at yourself because you think that you’re the reason that attack happened in the first place. There were even some people that certainly blamed you for what happened initially, some of those that weren’t in the Arena itself and only heard second hand about what had happened. Those voices were quickly drowned out by those that had actually seen you fight for your life and the lives of everyone in the Arena. Those that had seen your reaction when the Explosion happened. Most weren’t able to do much more than react but those that were close enough to see…] – Karen

The pregnant pause before Karen continued forced me into silence with its weight. In spite of the guilt I felt about the events of the Explosion I wanted a reason, any reason, to not blame myself. To free myself from this horrible parasite that was eating me up from the inside. This, more than any actions that had led to the Arena, filled me with more shame and guilt.

[Hah… Do you actually think it matters to the Church whether you are truly the next Demon Lord or not?] – Karen

[Huh? What do you mean? Of course it do-] – Rose

I was confused. How did it NOT matter if I was the Demon Lord? The point was that I WAS the Demon Lord that they were afraid of that they DID attack to kill me. They attacked to kill the enemy of the world, the Demon Lord.

[It doesn’t. It never did. You’ve never been the main target. Haven’t you thought it strange that, despite never actually obtaining proof of your identity, the Church so quickly outed you as the next Demon Lord?] – Karen

[W-Well yeah, I’ve thought it was strange a few times, but I figured i-] – Rose

[If they had some other method then wouldn’t they have found you earlier? Why wait until you’re able to defend yourself? And why the Demon Lord? You said Gilgamesh was able to learn of your identity when he kidnapped you? He never said how but the way he said it makes me think that it’s not exactly accurate. So why?] – Karen

Huh? Why? Hasn’t the Church called many people the next Demon Lord over the centuries? It was what my family was using to keep me safe for the moment. Plausible deniability. It was common enough that most of the world was perfectly content believing it to be the bluster of a Theocracy looking to make themselves a common enemy. According to the Princess they’d even named one of their own Summoned Heroes as one. The difference was that this time they’d named me, the actual Demon Lord (Well Demon Dragon God) as their target. It was insane to think that they’d done such a thing rando-

[Oh!] – Rose

[So, you’ve figured it out?] – Karen

[My family.] – Rose

[Exactly. I’ve spent the last few weeks after we’ve returned looking into patterns for their Holy Wars and I’ve found one. Land and power.] – Karen

[They want my families land? But wouldn’t that be impossible to hold?!? It’s directly in the middle of several hostile nations and blocked in by several natural barriers! They’d never be able to hold it!] – Rose

[True. If their intention was land this time it wouldn’t make sense to name you the Demon Lord. But that’s only if that was their reason this time.] – Karen

[Daddy?] – Rose

[And your grandparents as well. In each of the “so-called” Holy Wars in the past it’s always had at least two elements. They’ve always carried the potential to increase the size of their holdings AND they’ve been waged against someone, or someone’s, that were considered a threat. Your Grandparents fit the bill exactly. And if they also know, or suspect, your parentage to being related to a True Dragon to be more than mere blustering by a Noble House they likely wish to eliminate your entire house as well.] – Karen

[So… it still comes back to me…] – Rose

Even after all that, even considering the likelihood of the Church not knowing of my true identity, it all still came back to me. In this scenario the guilt was shared by my entire family of course but ultimately, I was still, at least partially, at fault. I was still the reason they…

[Hah… You’re really slow you know that? I wasn’t trying to say that your entire family’s at fault I was saying that they don’t care what the reason is, they’re USING you and your family as an excuse! Not a reason! If you weren’t here, if you were to suddenly vanish, they’d still have attacked, they’d still have named SOMEONE the next Demon Lord. Them naming you is because it was convenient. You, are not to blame.

[I-B-But I-] – Rose

[It’s fine to feel sad because of what happened. But blaming yourself isn’t how you do it. It’s not your fault. None of those people that you saved think so and neither do I, or any of your other friends. We all know the truth. That you’re just wrapped up in something beyond your control trying to keep your head above water as best you can. Just remember that you have help the next time you go off and try to blame yourself for the horrible shit other people do.] – Karen

[I-I UWAHH!!!] – Rose

So, I cried. I let it all out. Everything that I was feeling and all the guilt I had buried deep inside myself. Since I’d come to this world, I’d experienced more death than I could handle but the knowledge that I had others watching over me made me feel a little better. It didn’t completely free me, but something told me that I might never actually leave behind that guilt. That thought, as sad as it was, comforted me. It grounded me. I don’t know what I would have done if my best friend hadn’t come to find me in my new life, I don’t know if I would’ve eventually become an unfeeling monster killing without remorse not caring about the aftermath but even with the pain that came it was still better than the alternative. It made me better.