My first destination this time was the outside of my middle school. Droves of kids excitedly ran out of the building, happy to be free from institutionalized learning for the day. I saw middle school Ross slowly approach a white pickup truck on the far end of the parking lot. He was hobbling slightly and tried to hide a black eye with his hair. A large man stepped out of the white truck to meet him. The man was tall and broad, wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. He had a full beard and hair cut short and neat. He wore his shirt with the sleeves rolled up, showing off his scarred arms to the world.

“What the hell happened to you?” His deep voice made both versions of myself tremble.

“A kid hit me a little bit, it’s not a big deal.” I tried to play off my injuries as casually as possible, hoping against hope that my father would drop the issue. I should have known better.

The large man chuckled heartily. “All right, you got into a fight, did ya? Get some good licks in yourself?”

I really hoped my past self would just lie. “No, they hit me, I didn’t retaliate.” Goddamnit. I knew this was how this particular day had played out, but seeing such a missed opportunity still hurt.

“Well then, you’re not done here. Get back in there and hit him.” My dad stared daggers at my younger self. I shrank at the sight.

“It’s not a big deal--”

“It is a big fucking deal. Now get back in there and hit him or don’t come back.” So ended the conversation. I saw my younger self hobble back towards the school. My father stood unmoving. A few minutes later I came back outside bleeding and holding back tears as best I could. “How did it go?” he asked, despite my appearance.

“It hurt -- a lot,” I choked out, trying to sound as steady as humanly possible given the situation.

“Tch, pathetic.” My father opened the truck’s door and nodded towards it. “Get in.” Without a word of defiance, I followed his order and crawled inside. He slammed the door shut before I was fully inside and knocked me over. Such was my relationship with my father.

The scene shifted and I was standing in my kitchen. I saw myself sitting at the dining room table across from a marble statue of a woman. Once again, this wasn’t how the memory played out in reality, but it was a damn accurate representation of how I felt at the time.

“Hey, Mom, I got a perfect score on my math test today.” No response, as one would expect from an inanimate object. My mother never said much anymore. She was always just kind of there; she watched, she prayed, she judged, but almost never spoke. “I thought I was gonna fail this class when the term started, but I’ve really been putting in an effort, you know. I feel like I’m finally getting it.” Nothing. I never knew how to act around her. I always felt like I was doing something wrong, something to earn her silent ire. “Hey, Mom, think you can teach me how to make your wild rice soup? I really like it and think it’d be cool to know the recipe.” Bupkis, nada, zilch. “Do you want anything from the kitchen? I’m going to get a soda.” In a way, her dedication to unresponsiveness was impressive. In another life, she would have made a great guard of Buckingham Palace.

She wasn’t always like this. This was her after the move. After I had tried to come out. The moment my secret was out, everything changed. I wasn’t her child anymore, not in her eyes. I was a freak that had replaced her son, an intruder in her new home. My father didn’t say much either. Even after I had put aside any desire to be Rose, to be myself, there was no going back. The night I had told them the truth was my biggest regret. I’d wanted them to know me. Despite their faults, I loved them and just wanted that same love in return. It was foolish to hope for so much. I knew them, I knew their beliefs. This outcome was a foregone conclusion, but I had to try anyway.

Two doors appeared next to me. One was the third door I had entered, made of steel but no longer sealed by chains. The second was a wooden door with a brass knob. It had a generic baseball sticker on it with the name Ross crudely scrawled on it by a much younger me. Both doors swung open. The last of the torches in the circular room had been lit and the blue mirror was standing proudly by Rose’s stake. It was an exit served to me on a silver platter. The other door opened to my former bedroom; Lilith and I were frozen in place. She was putting makeup on me and I was wearing some of her clothes. I knew instantly where that door led. All of the memories I’d had to face in this world thus far were trifling, a warm-up for what lay beyond this door. If I truly wanted to face my past, the moment I’d locked away Rose, I would find it through that door.

I would love to brag that the thought of turning tail and rushing for the mirror never crossed my mind. It would be a point of great personal pride to declare that I stormed into my room and faced my past like a champion. However, this was real life and as a real person I froze up like a deer on the highway. I spent a good chunk of time looking through both doors, really weighing how badly I wanted to free myself from the yoke of my repressed past. The decision might never have been made if it weren’t for both doors slowly closing in front of me. With no time to think, I reached for my bedroom door on instinct and held it open as my escape plan shut and locked itself once more. Left with no other option, I stepped through the final door I knew I would see today.

Lilith and I were laughing as she dolled me up. It had taken her some time to convince me to finally try this, to let her show me how beautiful I could look. This wasn’t the first time she’d helped me dress up, and it wasn’t even the first time she had used makeup on me, but it was the first time she was going all out for full effect. I was wearing a pair of her jeans and a green blouse I had never seen her wear before. She had set me up in some low heels and even found clip-on earrings for me to wear. She had done an unbelievably good job of applying makeup, I looked like a woman. What can I say, she was magical in more ways than just the obvious. My parents were supposed to have been out for the night, but somehow their plans were canceled and they came home much earlier than expected. The door to my room swung open. “Hey kiddo, your father and I--” My mother had frozen, at a loss for words. My face was panicked. It was too late to hide what was happening. It was too late to run. My father came up behind my mother.

“What’s the prob-- What the fuck is this?” My father was never one to sugarcoat things. I tried to speak, but my mouth was so dry nothing came out. Lilith seemed just as afraid as I was. My father turned to Lilith, and in the most terrifying tone I had ever heard escape his lips, he snarled, “Get out, now.” She glanced at me, horrified. I nodded at her and tried to force a smile of reassurance. She tried to shake her head in defiance but I was already gently pushing her towards the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Lilith.” My voice made my lack of belief in that statement apparent. Lilith slowly exited my home, looking over her shoulder at me the whole time until the front door finally closed. When she had vacated the premises, I was free to notice that my father’s glare had never once strayed from me since he had commanded Lilith’s departure. His face had grown red and he was sweating despite the cold. “Father, sir, I -- I have something to tell you. Something to tell you and Mom.”

“No, you don’t. Don’t you fucking dare.” His voice was low, exuding a rage beyond rage.

It was a hell of a time for me to grow a spine, but it happened. “I’m transgender. I’m a woman. My name is Rose, not Ross.” By some miracle, I had gotten through that sentence without stuttering. After it was out and unable to be taken back, a dark silence descended upon the room. The only sound I could hear was my father’s heavy breathing and the ticking of my wall clock which seemed to get ten times louder during this pause.

“Honey, go to our room.” My father spoke in an eerily calm voice and my mother complied automatically, extricating herself from the situation she wanted nothing to do with. When my mother had cleared out it just left me, still dressed as Rose, and him, blocking the doorway. “I’ll give you one chance to take back what you just said. We’ll wipe that shit off of you, burn the clothes, and say this never happened. Understood?”

“I can’t take it back, Dad, it’s the truth.” My father approached me and grabbed me by the shirt. He turned his body and threw me into the wall next to the door. The sound of my back colliding with the wooden doorframe was jarring. My past self screamed in pain. I flinched at the sight and sound. My father had hit me before, but this night was the worst instance. He grabbed me by my hair and dragged me out of my room. I followed the scene as it moved to the bathroom. My father lifted me higher, ripping some of the hair from my head, before throwing me onto the counter. Before I could recover, he grabbed the back of my head and shoved it into the mirror, cracking it.

“Who are you, boy?” he growled as he continued pushing my face into the mirror.

My younger self looked into the mirror and saw the fruits of Lilith’s labor. “My name is Rose.”

My father pulled back my head only to slam it back into the glass. The already cracked glass continued cracking in a spiderweb pattern around me. Blood ran down my past self’s face, mixing with the tears being shed by her. She was Rose and she was strong, but once again, I knew how this day ended. My father grabbed the top of Lilith’s jeans and ripped them down, stripping Rose. Rose gasped, shocked by the unexpected exposure. “You don’t look like a Rose now, do you?” He tilted Rose’s head down so she was staring down at her reflected crotch. “What do you have dangling there, boy?”

“It doesn’t matter--” Rose was interrupted by being forced further into the broken glass.

“Say it, say what you have down there, now!” the beast I called a father roared.

“A -- a dick. I have a dick.” Rose was crying. This was it, this was when it happened. My father would ask one more question and Rose’s answer would be the end of it.

“And what does that make you?” I knew the answer the beast was looking for. I knew the answer Rose would give. I knew what that answer would mean for her. Courageous is not a word I would have used to describe myself… ever. Well, what I lacked in bravery I made up for with reckless stupidity, which is probably what spurred me, the current me, to try and interfere with a memory.

“Leave her alone!” I shouted as I tackled my father. Hey look, Dad, I finally stood up for myself. You proud yet?

My father kicked me away and I fell on my ass. “What the fuck is going on?” He was understandably confused; he only had one disappointment and yet there were two present for him to torment. I scrambled to my feet as Rose backed out of the bathroom. My father stood up and threw a giant fist at me. Not knowing the first thing about defending myself, I was unable to dodge in time and I felt my ribs crack under the force of his punch. My back crashed against the bathroom’s doorframe, further knocking the wind out of me. Desperate, I staggered out of the room and rushed to the open living room. I could hear the thunderous steps of my father following me out. I turned on my heel just in time to see a foot flying towards my face. Once more I was knocked to the floor, my vision blurring and ears ringing.

What the hell had I been thinking? I wasn’t strong, or fast, or good in a fight. Hell, I spent my life trying to avoid violent confrontations, yet here I was picking a fight I sure as hell couldn’t win.

My stomach caved in as another kick rolled me across the floor.

No, I wasn’t weak. I wasn’t ever weak. I was always stronger than this asshole knew. For so long, I had let people like him fool me. I had let them make me feel like being true to myself was wrong.

I felt myself being picked up, and my father threw me into the living room table. The force of me landing on the wooden piece of furniture cracked it and it collapsed around me. I forced myself to stand up. I wasn’t out just yet. My vision had barely returned, but I was able to see the look of shock on my father’s face.

Ross hadn’t stood up. I was a beautiful young woman with light brown hair and an athletic build. I wore a simple white top with green leather pants and high laced boots. “Do you see who I am now?” I spoke to the man in a condescending tone, as if he finally understood a joke that anybody else would have gotten ages ago. “I am Rose. I am a strong and proud woman. I have seen sights you couldn’t comprehend and met beings you can only dream of. I’m twice the person you’ll ever be and have confronted monsters much larger than you can imagine. You. Are. Nothing.” I grabbed a piece of wood from around me and pitched it at the man. The wood splintered against his head and he stumbled. I grabbed him by the shirt and rammed my head into his, creating a sickening crack that resounded throughout the house. The pathetic lump I’d once called a father flopped to the ground, unconscious.

Falling to my knees, I rubbed my head furiously. As I tried to mitigate my new headache, the younger Rose came out of her room. She approached me slowly, gawking with wide-eyed wonder. “Who are you?” she asked, her voice tinged in awe.

“I’m who you will be.” I smirked at her, trying to act cool. It seemed to work, as the last thing I saw before fading back to the circular room was my past self, beaming with unbridled joy. I knew that the past couldn’t actually be changed and that everything I had done in the memory had been for my benefit. It didn’t matter; that was all of the closure I needed, all of the reminders to finally show me what had to be done.

When I found myself back in the now fully illuminated starting room, I immediately searched for the chained Rose. She was sitting by her stake, eyes closed and trembling. She heard me approaching and backed away slightly. I threw my arms around her in a tight embrace. “What are you doing!?” she hissed at me. “Stay away from me!”

I squeezed her tighter. “I’m not going to leave you here. You are a beautiful soul, one who was denied the chance to have that beauty nurtured. You live in the darkness because people who couldn’t understand locked you here, not because you deserve to be here. I am sincerely sorry for my role in your pain. Everybody deserves to live in the light and I will make sure you have the chance to do just that. I love you, Rose. We are one and the same.” I backed up slightly and removed the collar from her neck. It wasn’t anger or hatred that kept her chained as Lilith might have thought during the first night of our game; it hadn’t been pain or self-conflict, either. The chain that bound Rose was fear, a fear I was more than ready to be rid of.

The other Rose tackled me and sobbed into my shoulder as I calmly stroked her hair. She started to disappear as the world around us shattered. Each piece of the world which broke off began revealing Lilith’s room behind it. As the last piece of the mirror’s world vanished, so did the other Rose, relief etched into her face. Slowly, I got up, still Rose, as I always would be. Lilith saw me and grinned widely as she slowly approached me. It was as if she was convinced that I was a mirage that could vanish if she wasn’t careful enough. This time, I decided to take the initiative. I cupped Lilith’s face with both hands and kissed her deeply. She returned my feelings in force and the two of us stood there, lost in a passionate embrace that we never wanted to find our way out of. Lilith pulled back eventually. “Rose?” she asked, knowing full well what the answer was.

I nodded and waved awkwardly before flashing her a toothy smile. “Hi Lilith, I’m back. Sorry, it took so long, but I’m finally back.”