Ha… Well, I’m not just gonna let that beatdown happen, y’know? That’s just not… it’s just not conductive to anything, there’s no reason for it to happen, she ain’t a Saiyan.
There they go, they’re walking up onto the stage, alright, Spopovich isn’t throwing the first blow, he’s just waiting for it. Videl’s going in for a hit… and… Instant Transmission!- To kick to the face! To Instant Transmission! And there he goes flying out the ring…. Videl and her pride none the wiser. “Videl with a clean hit knocks Spopovich out of the arena!”
I may have teleported into the blind-spot of the audience… but anyone with a slightly refined Ki sense has to know something is off.
Oh no, I can practically feel the stares… “Hey-” “Eek-!” “-we'll talk about this later.” Goddamn it Gohan- scared me to hell and back… “Up next, Great Saiyaman! Versus! Kibito!” Huh, oh yeah, Gohan’s disguise is fine this time. Oh, right, Yamu’s gonna suck him. WOooooH! That’s some power! But I mean… He does feel weaker than me…
Oooh- That looked like it hurt- right in the gut too! Oh, they’re talking now… explanations are boring…
“Hey, Shin, do you mind if I come along?” Heh, Piccolo’s face is pretty funny right now. “H-How?” “Nevermind that, you wanna stop that pink fatty from reviving? Then let’s go. -Oh, hi Prince.”
Oh, Yamu’s on the move
“Bye Prince!” and a goofy lil hop off the stands… lets just slip out the cloak on the way down… oh c’mon, I’m not that shocking.
Lemme just do some moonrunning, pull back my hood, and blow a raspberry at em. Yep, that seemed to have broken the tension “Hey! Isn’t that one of Cell’s kids… wait, how does he know you Vegeta” ah Goku, never change
“Shut up Kakarot!”
...
Now that we’ve started flying… I’m just glad I have a headstart so they can’t talk to me… I don’t exactly have answers, and I’d rather Buu really be stopped from reviving, as much as the Buu saga added in terms of power… necessary power… It also resulted in a lot of people dying, and right now? I don’t think I could stand not having prevented it, when it wouldn’t even be that hard.
...
Making it to that rocky ledge -y’know the one- was the best decision of my life.
Anytime they go to talk to me, I can just g- “shh” shh, like that. “Oh, by the way, they know we’re here. But they don’t know we know, so still, shh.” “I-” “Shh!” hehe~ telling a literal god of gods to shush is fun~ oooh what dirty fireworks, they just blew Spopovich up, can’t say I really feel bad about that.
Oh! Is it time?! Here he comes! Dabura, the beautiful angel, flies right our way, too fast for anyone not expecting him, but heavenly slow for me, who has been waiting for him. And such an angel deserves a gift. I punch him in the face at full power, him, aiming for Kibito, did not expect that, and spirals in a cartwheel fashion.
I think I might cry, It’s FIGHT TIME!!
Using the time while Dabura spins, I’ll power up to my true max
- wait I feel like I can go beyond that-
Is that is, is that- yes- Super Saiyan 2! Oh my god... I’m feeling ready to beat the shit out of some- ah, Dabura, how pleasant of you to be there.
Dabura recovers from his spins “You punk!” I respond by teleporting behind him and punching him in the back, he barely flinches as he sends a spinning punch behind himself -at me- I duck it and aim for his legs with a sweeping kick - hitting him- and sending him spinning- vertically this time-
“STOP THAT!”
Oop! That’s a sword! Right for my non-existent giblets! Is what I would say!!! If I didn’t have…. LEGS!
I close my legs and let him lift me up with his sword swing “Dabura! Stop playing around!” Dabura turns his head to look at Babidi- which exposes his cheek just perfectly for me to lay a Ki-bladed foot across it- a spinning roundhouse kick.
Okay, I’m fully expecting a spit now, Dabura whips around his newly bleeding face to... face... me, and spits at me before dematerializing his sword and flying backwards.
“Let’s do that again later!” Dabura just sends me an angry glare, heh, silly demon king, whipped into submission by an old weakling, you can’t do anything! Bleh!
But… damn. I wanted to fight more, and now I’ve got all this energy… hmm… maybe Piccol- No! This is not the time! Just- organize. You know they wanna us to go into the ship… and really you got too caught up in you power rush you forgot to kill Babidi while he was in the open and the other people just, didn’t think of it I guess?
Ah, right, people. Communication. Explaining myself. Yeah, nah. Ooooh! Convenient plot-advancing spaceship!
“Well, not much else I can do… would be a real shame if I was the only one who got to fight Babidi’s super strong minions.” Just inching closer and closer… I’m in the doorway! I’ll… I’ll actually wait since I don’t want Babidi to separate us, because that would spell disaster… I can just tell.
There is sooo much inner monologuing I'm not even sure what is going on.
The lack of dialogue is a serious mar on the story as a whole.
I know this is suppose to be silly, but a little cohesion is needed.
Yeah, it's really hard to do with a First person-Only story, I asked people if they wanted to switch awhile ago, but they resoundingly Voted that no, they wanted to keep it First Person. So I can't really explain anything through body movements or saying 'MC felt X,' which ends up with a lot of inner monologue that
1. Has to be on character... so nervous and nerdy.
2. Needs to explain things in the level of detail that a second or third person narrative could do.
3. Can't say things like 'Piccolo said' becuase no one thinks like that.
4. Has to show action in a way that doesn't appear as though every fight has plenty of time to speak.
*This usually leads to having to explain things in a big grouping before a fight starts, or in the gaps between action.
@sir It's part of the reason it takes so long to writ this, becuase frankly, I'm not an experienced writer, I got no clue how to write something like this well.
... Doesn't help that DBZ characters are not the talking type, except for monologues, quips, or ego-stroking. And while the MC is willing to speak things out -except for maybe Gohan or Emperor Pilaf- no one would engage in conversation with him. Heck even non-fighters will ignore reason to resort to insults and brute force.
If you have any suggestions on how to add more dialogue or cohesion, I am OPEN to suggestions. Please.
@sir i mean. My db stroy is first person as well for the vast majority, with only a handful of chapters that aren't. Just because it's first person doesn't mean you can't write the conversations out.
@Chaddts Looking at your DBZ story, we have very *ahem* Different, types of stories. And while I see the merit of putting in the 'Character-' for me it feels like it takes you out of the flow in action scenes, and it'd be weird to switch between them.
@sir we also have EXETREMLY different protagonists, with very different genre's of story. If I was making the same genre of story as you were, I probably would format it the same way that you have. It just works.
@Chaddts Final thing, your character talks in Past First Person, talking about events that Happened to him, compared to mine who is Present First Person, talks about events While they happen.
In retrospect, I should have written this story in Past First Person, since then I could describe fights like "as they punched out with a hook to my face, I ducked under it and counter attacked with a quick jab" instead of "They're going in for a hooking punch to my face, duck under it... and counter with a jab!" despite being the same perspective, they're written very differently.
And with Past First Person, you can be a lot more descriptive since the character Knows what Happened, instead of Thinking what Might Happen.
For example you wrote in your story: "As I lay there, I began to wonder" if I wanted to write that same thing, I would have to write it like this: "While I'm laying here, I wonder"
TLDR: Your story is written like someone writing a dairy(dramatic monologue), mine is like someone currently thinking(interior monologue).
@sir it's kinda like a script format, but yeah the later chapter are better done l, that was first ever written work.
@Chaddts oh no your work is well done! Just has a different writing style then mine.... one that makes me want to steal it....