Claustrophobia had never been a concern of mine in the past. Yet somehow, in the small wooden changing room stall, I was about ready to pass out. “Thalia, I’m not so sure about this,” I called out to the person I was really hoping hadn’t strayed too far from the door. The borderline broom closet I was standing in smelled strongly of perfume and the floor was littered with discarded tags and stickers which had been prematurely removed from purchases (or thefts, people suck). The smudged mirror behind me served as a constant reminder that I didn’t belong here, in the changing room of Lacy’s Women's Apparel. Hell, I’d never even been in this store, I had passed by many times but never had the guts to come inside.

“Oh no, you aren’t gonna punk out on me now. We’re doing this. Just chill and trust me.” Thalia had basically dragged me in here to shop for “essentials.” It had only been a couple of days since Thalia found out about me being trans and she had already planned a full day’s excursion, the details of which she had refused to divulge to me. “Now remember what I said, whatever I throw in you throw on, capiche?”

“I never agreed to that.” Oh, who the hell was I kidding, Thalia held all of the power here. All I hoped was that she’d be merciful in her selections. I heard her footsteps trail off as she laughed at my feigned resistance. Left alone with no company aside from the glass pane that harassed and pained me so, I took another cursory glance at myself… yup, still looked like a dude. This was stupid. I know they say ‘clothes maketh the man’, but I doubt they could maketh this “man” look like the woman she was. Footsteps alerted me to Thalia’s return and were immediately followed by a small pile of clothes being slung over my little stall’s door.

“Alright, this should do for a good start. I separated them into outfits so we can go through each group one by one.” As Thalia explained the organization of her haul, I flipped through the selections. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Thalia had gone for a more androgynous or tomboyish flair, god bless her. After moving the clothes onto the tiny wooden counter that was way too small to be legitimately useful, I started taking off my clothes. My eyes avoided the mirror at all costs. The first outfit was simple enough, a women’s cut T-shirt and jeans which were approximately eight sizes too small to be comfortable.

“I think the pants need to be bigger,” I called out as I tried to pull the waist of the jeans over the ass I never realized I had.

“You’re not trying hard enough.” Oh, really? Not trying hard enough? I didn’t get this good a workout the few times I had set foot in a gym. Somehow, through sucking in, shimmying, twisting, a genuine act of god, and pulling… oh so much pulling, the pants shot past their co-worker barrier and settled in place. At least, it would have settled in place had a certain (unwanted) three-piece set of extra bits not been attached to my front. As the denim shot up, it took my genitals with it resulting in me screaming in the soprano register I so wished I could sing in naturally. “Holy shit, are you okay?” Thalia asked despite the noise I made earlier making it clear that I was not, in fact, okay.

“Nuts… and friend…” As I struggled to form words I heard an ‘ah’ of understanding from outside.

“Well, at least you got them on?” Yeah, woohoo, go team. I was seeing stars and wondering if I had just saved myself a fortune on an orchiectomy, but yes at least the damn pants were on. After mentally blocking out the pain, like a kung-fu master from a cheesed up action movie, I buttoned and zipped with surprising ease. When the pants and shirt were both on, I gave myself a quick once over in the mirror. Oh hi, Joe, fancy seeing you here again. From the beginning, I knew that clothes wouldn’t magically bring out the woman in me and, unfortunately, Thalia was only a fairy godmother by her own self-given title; even so, I was a little disappointed. The pants did make my lower half look pretty nice, save for the obvious extra baggage being smuggled down under. The shirt, on the other hand, looked awkward and tight, hugging me everywhere a shirt shouldn’t hug someone with a boxy figure like mine.

“Well, let’s see it already,” called Thalia from outside. That wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want to be seen like this, by anyone including myself. I quickly stripped off the ensemble in silence. “Hello, ground control to Major Jane, anybody still in there?”

“I’ll try on the next one. Give me a second.” I could tell from the sudden silence that Thalia had caught on quickly to the diminished mood in the changing room. I went through four more outfits, to tragically similar results. Thalia no longer tried to coax me out but offered words of support and encouragement from outside. I had all but given up hope by the time I had reached the final outfit. Part of me wanted to lie and say I’d tried it on already if only to end my suffering sooner. It was a skirt that reached below my knees and a simple black blouse with a slight v-neck. Half-heartedly, I threw on the outfit and turned around to meet my reflection. There she was, like disco superfly... Jane stared back. It was only for a moment and easily could have been an illusion caused by the soft lighting and my own mental fatigue, but I saw her for the first time in that changing room. I finally decided to step outside. The skirt displayed my unfortunately unshaven legs and the blouse hung loosely off of my chest but it didn’t matter. Thalia’s eyes popped open as I finally showed myself.

“Oh hell yes! There it is! We’re SO getting that.” By her reaction, I guessed that Thalia had seen her too.

I reentered the changing room and was about to change back into my original clothes when Thalia interrupted me by tossing over one final “outfit.” “Haha, Thalia, that’s very funny.” She had thrown over a black lace lingerie set, obviously designed for the most special of occasions.

“I’m being dead serious; you need something in your wardrobe to impress Miss Sasha.” She was teasing me, obviously.

“Yeah, Sasha and I are just friends.” Yup, just friends. No errant fantasies or one-sided crushes here. Absolutely not. Nope. Not a chance… Fine, maybe a little. How the hell did Thalia pick up on that so quickly?

“But you wouldn’t mind if you weren’t JUST friends, would you? Come on, Jane. The godmother’s job ain’t done til I get you a prince...ess.” Boy, she was embracing the metaphor. I can’t say I hated the idea of being wing-womaned but considering the little I remembered of our drunken night, Thalia would probably do more harm than good when it came to Sasha.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about… and I’m not putting this on.” From the other side of the door, I heard Thalia ‘mhmm’ sarcastically. Despite the wooden partition separating us I could see the shit-eating grin on her face as she hummed her response. As I changed back into my Joe clothes, Thalia ran off to pay at the register. In the end, I left with the miracle outfit and the jeans of unspeakable pain, at Thalia’s firm insistence.

We left the store and Thalia grabbed my hand before pulling me through the mall towards our next stop. I couldn’t a focus on worrying about our destination as I stared at Thalia’s smiling face. Over the past couple of years, I had forgotten how free and fun she was. Being with her again was refreshing, the first bite of a watermelon on a hot summer day and -- nope, almost let my mind wander into forbidden territory. She broke my heart, ditched me without warning, left me for someone else without so much as a goodbye; yet I couldn’t help but be drawn to her. Goddamn, I was stupid. Besides, she was trying to set me up with someone else. Someone I could actually have a thing for without feeling like an idiot.

After crossing half of the mall, we arrived at a small nail salon. “Alright Jane, we’re getting manicures, it’s going to happen, resistance is futile. However, you can choose how we do this. If you’re comfortable, we’ll go in there, introduce you as Jane, and tell the staff your preferred pronouns. This is a very welcoming business. If you’re not quite ready for that yet, we’ll just say you’re my boyfriend who has been dragged against his will to this unfamiliar land and they’ll be none the wiser.” Well damn, she had thought of everything. As tempting an offer as pretending to be her partner was, I decided that enough was enough and it was time to take some kind of step, even an infinitesimally small one.

“Let’s… let’s stick with Jane.” Thalia’s face lit up with delight and she let out a small squeal, an uncharacteristic moment that was incomprehensibly adorable. We went inside and as promised everyone was friendly and accepting. I spent an entire hour being called Jane and referred to as she; it was overwhelming in the best possible way. When Thalia and I walked out, we sported matching black nails (what can I say, it was our color). Without seeing my reflection, I could tell that I was grinning like a fool. Our day had opened with a rocky start but was slowly becoming one of the most fun days I’d ever had.

Thalia’s phone went off and she apologized as she handed me my bag and asked me to wait for her. I took a seat on a nearby bench and did just that. Of all the possible emotions, I felt peaceful among the bustling mall crowd. I looked down fondly on my nails; many would assume I did them like this to further the whole “edgy rocker” aesthetic I embodied, but I knew better. It was a secret between myself and Thalia that I displayed openly to the world in a small way.

“Joe? Wow, didn’t think I’d run into you here!” That voice -- oh, no. I turned around to see Sasha approaching me from behind. What were the damn odds? We didn’t live in a small town, and this mall was pretty big itself; then again, life had a way of always ruining my good moods with unexpected curveballs. Sasha’s eyes were immediately drawn to the bag sitting next to me on the bench. “Ohhhh, shopping for someone special I see.” Now, I wasn’t lying when I said I had a crush on Sasha, and the last thing you want when you have a crush is for said crush to think you like someone else. My brain malfunctioned for a second and I blurted out the truth.

“This is for me.” Sasha looked confused for a second before laughing it off.

“Sure it is. I suppose you just felt like getting yourself a pretty outfit or two?” She was teasing, hoping to get me to admit to buying this for someone else, but I was already in it at this point.

“Pretty much, yeah. I went shopping for clothes and bought myself a few things… is that a problem?” I saw Sasha once again take stock of the situation, her eyes flicked between my face, my hair, my nails, the bag, and again at the whole scene in rapid succession. At that point, I was high on euphoria and the embers of Jane had grown to be a roaring inferno inside of me that refused to be ignored. “I’m kind of sort of transgender… yeah. That’s that.” Once again, I was nailing it on the elocution.

What I said began registering in Sasha’s mind and my own produced a drum roll of anticipation. Before any reaction could be had, Thalia came bounding back. “Sup, Jane, I’m ready to roll -- Oh, shit. Hi, Sasha.”

The attention was completely off of me now and Sasha stared directly at Thalia. “Jane?” Sasha took a brief look at me before returning her now glare to Thalia. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.” Those words… suffice to say they hurt. They cut deeper than I thought words could reach. Sasha had always had a sharp tongue but she had cut me in half with one statement of disgusted disbelief.

“Sasha, it’s not what you think --” Thalia’s words cut short as Sasha walked right up to her face, their noses nearly touching. “It’s not like that.”

“Fuck you,” Sasha snarled. She took one last pained look at me before powerwalking away, faint traces of tears-to-come in her eyes.

Thalia sat down next to me and we decompressed from our encounter. “She… she hates me. She’s repulsed, she couldn’t even look at me.” I was whispering words so soft they shouldn’t have been audible amongst the crowds.

Thalia heard them and gripped my hand. “No, she doesn’t, I’m pretty sure I was the focus of her anger.” I leaned into her and she wrapped her arm around my shoulder. A few people passing by threw confused glances in our direction. Damn them all. I felt a familiar pressure behind my eyes and shook, trying to hold back the floodgates. “Come on, let’s get you home for today.” With that, our excursion ended prematurely and Thalia brought me back to my studio. She said goodbye to me at the door and gave me a tight hug. She turned to leave and I did something I’m sure neither of us expected. I grabbed her hand. “Jane?”

“Please, don’t go.” These words weren’t formed by my brain, which had already checked out for the evening. They came from a place much deeper, an instinctual part of myself that simply didn’t want to be alone.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea. A lot happened, you should take some time and --” This time I brought Thalia into an embrace. She sighed in my arms. “I know for a fact that things aren’t as you think they are. I can’t say what’s happening, it isn’t my place, but I assure you Sasha doesn’t hate you.” I wanted to believe her words, but Sasha’s eyes were burned into my memory. It was as if seeing me caused her physical pain. There was no way things weren’t just as bad as they had seemed. I let go of Thalia and stepped back.

“I’m sorry, I just... I don’t want everyone to leave me.” Obviously, I was a little shell-shocked. I was only vaguely aware that I was speaking; what I was well aware of was how I didn’t want Thalia to go.

“I’m not going to leave you.” Thalia traced her fingers up the side of my face and I finally looked up from the floor. “I care about you, Jane. I truly do. If you really want me here, I’ll stay.” She smiled at me warmly. Her radiance seemed to melt away much of the stress of the day. I lost myself in her for a moment and without thinking leaned in and kissed her. It was only a quick peck on the lips because the instant it happened I snapped back to reality.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I--” Thalia pressed her lips against mine in a passionately aggressive manner. Her soft lips consumed what little inhibitions I may have possessed at some point. I walked backward into my apartment and she followed, never breaking our kiss. Thalia led us to my bed and shoved me onto it. Bouncing briefly on the mattress, my mouth hung open with disbelief. We were both panting and flushed as we stared at each other. A single bead of sweat trailed down my neck as I waited in rapt anticipation. Thalia lifted her shirt revealing a simple black bra and dropped her jeans exposing a matching pair of briefs. Her body was just as flawless as I remembered, her hourglass figure was beautifully painted in a myriad of tattoos by a plethora of artists. The bright colors contrasted her otherwise pale skin as did her flowing green hair. Following suit, I took off my shirt while Thalia hooked her fingers under my waistband and pulled off all of my remaining clothes in one swift motion.

Swinging her leg over my body, Thalia straddled me before bringing her mouth back down to mine. Her tongue danced along the inside of my mouth and found a willing partner in my own. She moaned as she kissed me and the vibrations of her hum seemed to reverberate in my head, sending it into sensory overdrive. Wrapping my arms around her, I held Thalia against me. I wanted as much of her warmth on me as possible. Thalia’s skin was slightly slick with sweat but still felt pleasant on my own. Her chest pressed against mine and the friction caused by her bra had my nipples standing at attention, tickled by the cotton. This fact was not lost on Thalia who slid down slightly and brought her mouth to my small budding breasts. With a practiced ease, she ripped moans out of me by demonstrating just how sensate a woman’s chest really was. Her tongue circled my areola as her hand gently massaged the mound she was saving for later.

Not wanting to be a passive player, I grabbed Thalia’s perfect behind, my fingers gently sinking into her flesh, and pulled her back up. I kissed and nibbled on her neck, knowing it was a weak spot for her and reaped the reward of her melodic voice crying out in ecstasy. She began grinding her crotch against mine, the friction suiting both of us just fine. We stayed like that for a while, taking turns pleasuring one another with our lips as we bucked against each other in a wild frenzy. I could feel her wetness seeping through her panty, its slick lubrication only enhancing the experience. Nearing completion, Thalia dug her fingernails into my back and bit my shoulder as I squeezed her plump thighs and screamed. We held each other as we enjoyed the aftershocks of our shared orgasm, quaking and shivering in each other’s arms before she finally rolled off of me and landed to my side.

We were both a sight to behold, red as lobsters, covered in sweat and saliva, our hair a damp tangled mess strewn about the sheets. We each lay there, attempting to catch our breath and trying to figure out where exactly this left us.

“So… that just happened,” stated Captain Obvious, oh wait, that was me. Thalia exhaustedly chuckled.

“So it did.” At least I wasn’t alone in my awkwardness. We both stared up at the ceiling, our eyelids growing heavier. The last thing I remembered before finally knocking out, was Thalia shimmying over and snuggling close to me.