Back when I was a wee lass, who thought she was a wee lad, watching Saturday morning cartoons, I always loved the gag where a shocked character’s jaw would literally hit the floor with an exaggerated thud. Sitting next to Sasha, in this boring and non-animated real world of ours, I was actually afraid that the laws of physics would bend just enough to make such a scene possible. Sasha was my friend from middle school. I mean, she’d come out to me back then, but we went to different high schools and kind of drifted apart with distance and time. Meeting my middle school friend again hadn’t even occurred to me as a possibility, much less like this.

“Um, Jane, you okay? Kinda waiting for some kind of reaction here.” Sasha nervously chuckled after speaking. Honestly, I didn’t know how I should react. The person I was best friends with for years, who came out to me and in no insignificant way contributed to me figuring out my own trans status, had apparently been one of my best friends for the past few years as well. How the hell did I not realize this?

“I… wow… you… wow… middle school, now… wow.” Oh don’t judge me, let's see your brain function in the midst of a real-life Shyamalan twist. Sasha’s chuckles became more breathy and natural in the wake of my cerebral meltdown.

“That’s it, use your words.” She smirked as she always did and the tiny little emergency repair bots I liked to imagine existed in my head kicked into hyperdrive to quell the malfunction.

After a couple of seconds of processing, all mental faculties were in the green once more, or at least the less alarming shade of red they normally were. “So back in the quad, when you tackled me and said I reminded you of another Joe? Why didn’t you tell me who you were? I would have been so happy for you. We still could have been friends.” Sasha stopped laughing while I spoke and the smile left her eyes. She brushed a few errant strands of red hair out of her eyes and took another sip of her drink. “I’m not mad or anything, I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know what to say. I’m so happy that my childhood friend is still in my life -- has still been in my life. I just can’t believe that I didn’t see it.”

Sasha placed her empty mug onto the floor and slid a bit closer to the heater. “I was surprised when you didn’t see it, either. So surprised, but also so happy. It was my second chance at meeting someone who was very important to me. A chance for you to see me as Sasha and only Sasha without the ghost of Zachary hanging over my shoulder. Honestly, I thought about telling you the truth a few times; hell, I would start a sentence trying to say it, but end up somewhere else along the way. Then the longer I went not telling you, the weirder I figured it would be when I finally came clean. At some point, I just embraced the fact that I was just Sasha to you and relished the thought of not being associated with my former self, even if that meant locking away a big chunk of our memories together.” Sasha bundled up tighter in her blanket, staring at the heater’s control panel. “Now I’m happy that you know and I’m not keeping it from you anymore, but I’m sad because this will change how you see me forever.”

Sliding a bit closer to Sasha, I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a one-armed half-hug. “This changes nothing. Absolutely nothing. You always were and always will be Sasha to me. Granted, you went through a long butch phase back in middle school, but hey, I dressed like a goth back then, so who am I to judge.” Sasha burst into laughter.

After calming down a bit, she leaned her head into my shoulder. “You always were the best person I knew, Jane.” An awkward silence hung in the air for a few seconds until Sasha couldn’t take it and shot upright and out of my embrace. “Which really goes to show that I need to meet more people, shit. My standards are all out of whack.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“You’re an ass.” I rolled my eyes at her attempt to break the sentimentality of the moment.

“Yes, but I’m a beautiful, shapely ass. The kind of ass that would be prominently displayed in a music video!” The two of us laughed before slowly settling back into the silence which seemed so dangerous today. “Anyway, Thalia told me you were in a funk. I’m here to un-funk-ify you. What the funk is wrong?”

Right, the other night: feelings and insecurities about being a fake woman, the thought of being an imposter in all lands and walks of life and having nowhere to truly belong, the fear of having to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life to avoid being outed and discriminated against. All valid and understandable concerns, if you asked me, ones which wouldn’t be exiting the building any time soon. Yet somehow I did feel better. Just knowing that Sasha, this beautiful, funny, amazing woman in front of me, was like me at some point… it gave me hope. She had been where I was, yet looking at her here you’d never know it. The world saw her as the woman she was, as it damn well should. She still had some insecurities, she was still human after all, but she’d made it through and had come out spectacularly. She was Sasha and I was Jane, even if the world didn’t see it that way yet; it would all come in time. “Actually Sasha, I think you’ve already helped me. Thank you.”

Sasha looked confused for a second before shrugging off my cryptic words. “Well, whatever works. I hereby deem you un-funked, congratulations. You’ll receive my bill in the mail.”

I snorted out a laugh and turned a bit pink at the embarrassing display that Sasha started laughing at. “Forget the bill, payment has already been rendered in the form of warmth, entertainment, and beverages.”

Sasha made an exaggerated gasp and put her hand to her chest in mock offendedness. She then threw a fist into the sky and shook it at the heavens. “Damn you, hospitality, foiling my business plans once again!”

In the wake of Sasha’s dramatic display, we found ourselves hanging in that same damn silence which seemed heavier than an ordinary, run-of-the-mill quiet. Sensing a disturbance in the force, I decided to ask Sasha a question that had been eating away at my sanity for a while now. “Hey, so while you’re here, I was wondering… what happened between you and Thalia anyway?”

Sasha flopped backward and sprawled out over the floor. “Hot damn, Jane, if nothing else you are an ace at killing a buzz.” I was about to rescind my question when she started talking again. “We went to the same high school. I had started blockers in the seventh grade and hormones the summer before high school, so I was already looking more androgynous to femme before setting foot in the school. I decided to just go in, guns blazing, and present female from day one. Miraculously, nobody really noticed. At least, I was introverted enough that nobody cared enough about me to notice. One day, I was minding my own business in the library, as had become tradition, when Thalia approached me. She was quite different back then; no tattoos yet, black hair, gigantic glasses; she was less rocker, more bookworm. Leave it to a fellow loner to notice the person trying to fly under the radar. She clocked me immediately and started asking a million and a half questions about everything transgender. She wasn’t malicious, just curious, and I answered her questions for a while until I got annoyed and bolted. Well, little did I know I had gained a new lunch buddy, because every day when I would go to the library, she’d be there waiting to talk to me. For a while, I thought she must be transgender, too, with how much she seemed interested in the stuff. Turns out she was just interested in me.”

“Wait a sec, Thalia had a thing for you in high school?” I interrupted the story and set my mug down next to Sasha’s. I leaned against my couch and settled in for an extended storytime.

“I guess so. I mean, she said she did, but I could have just been a safe way for her to explore her sexuality back then, who the hell knows with her. Point was, a cute girl was actually flirting with me and calling me Sasha, and I wasn’t NOT into women. Let’s just say I was receptive to her advances.”

“You two dated!?” This didn’t actually surprise me, I just loved annoying the hell out of Sasha by interrupting her sometimes; guilty pleasures, what’re you gonna do.

Sasha gave me a harsh look and continued. “Kind of. We hung out a lot and went out to do stuff as friends. She showed me how to use makeup and do my hair, even took me along when she got her first piercings and tattoos. As she liked to put it, she was my fairy godmother. Things were really good between us and we were great friends with slight undertones of something more. She really turned up the rocker persona in junior year and started hanging out with a bunch of other people, but always made time for me. Everything kind of came to a head when we hooked up one night during the summer break before senior year. I thought it was great, but she just stopped texting me. It was complete radio silence until I got back to school. She was hanging out with everyone else, but actively avoided me, I didn’t get what was happening until the other little bitches started calling me a tranny. Someone had apparently looked into my bag and seen my pills. News spread like wildfire and Thalia had to make a choice between all of the friends she had made throughout the school and me, the new pariah. She chose them and joined in with their torment to save face for having been my friend for so long.” Sasha had started to tear up.

“Sasha, I’m so sorry, that’s horr--” My words were cut short by Sasha’s fist pounding the ground.

“Oh, I’m not finished yet. When she saw me again in college, she had the audacity to think we would pick up where we left off. She wanted me to just forget about what she did, what she said. She thought that my holding onto a grudge was unfair. She tried to make a pass at me again, and when I told her to fuck off, she refused to take a hint. Finally, I told her I was into someone else, hoping against hope that it would finally steer her away. Well, it did. The vindictive little cunt decided to ask the person I liked out and proceeded to break their heart, just because she could.”

Sasha was breathing heavily, her face contorted with rage. “Wait, what?” My question was ignored as Sasha shot up to her feet and beelined it for the door. As quickly as I could, I followed her.

“Thanks for the drink, I’ll bring the blanket back sometime later. I gotta go.” Her words poured out in a rapid torrent and I could hear the unique strain of coming tears in her voice. Sasha ripped open my door and ran out into the cold. Without a moment’s hesitation, I followed her, calling her name and asking her to wait up. About a foot from her car, Sasha turned on her heel to face me, her face mostly covered by my blanket which she had used as a makeshift coat and scarf. “Jane, please go home. I’m fine. It’s okay. It’s all okay.” Her voice was decidedly not okay. “Besides, I’m sure she’s changed; hell, she called me to come and help you, she never would have done that before… it shows incredible personal growth on her part. Good for her.” Sasha turned away again and fumbled with her keys as she approached her car. As she unlocked the door, I grabbed her shoulder.

“Sasha, wait, please… I--”

Sasha shrugged off my hand and looked back at me. “You like her, you’ve liked her for years. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Don’t you dare say anything you don’t mean.” My throat collapsed on itself and I couldn’t breathe. What was I about to say? “That’s what I thought. Have a good day, Jane.” Sasha slid into her car and peeled away from my building. She was gone. Slowly, I made my way back to my apartment; the door was still wide open, and once I was inside, I shut it to keep out the chilly winds. As Sasha had before, I headed straight for the heater and plopped down next to it. I felt frozen, and I knew no amount of blankets or cocoa would thaw me.

***

Thalia snuggled closer as some random movie she had picked out played on my TV. “Are you not into the show? We can always choose something else… or just skip the flick entirely.” Thalia pecked my cheek repeatedly, moving closer and closer to my mouth. Reflexively, I pulled away. “Is something wrong, love?”

When I had finally called Thalia back, she had asked to come over and I’d agreed. She brought some takeout and declared today a movie day. When I tried to talk to her, she simply sat me down and started up her date. She had a way of taking control and leading the way at all times. Usually, I liked that; today, I was frustrated by it. I grabbed the remote off of the coffee table and turned off the TV. Thalia looked at me worriedly. “Thalia… why did you ask me out in college?”

“That’s easy, I thought you were cute and--”

“Enough bullshit.” That may have been a bit harsher than I had intended to start things off, but anger was a hell of a drug. “I’m sorry. I’m just sick of you keeping things from me. Please, just tell me the truth.”

Thalia peeled off of me and retreated to the other side of the couch. We both sat upright staring at each other. “I take it Sasha finally told you?” Thalia seemed legitimately nervous, like a little kid caught stealing from the cookie jar and unsure of how much trouble they were in.

“Yeah, she told me. She told me everything.” Thalia swallowed hard and looked down at the cushiony divide between us. “So back in college, why did you ask me out?”

Thalia’s eyes met mine once more, the fire in them reignited in defiance. “If you already know, why do you need me to say it? Yes, when I asked you out it was to hurt her. I felt rejected, abandoned, and replaceable.” Well if that isn’t the most ironic shit I’ve heard all day. “I fucked up royally in high school and gave up my one true friend for a bunch of assholes who couldn’t give a damn about me. I just wanted to have someone real in my life again. Honestly, I had only planned on going out with you once… but you were sweet and kind and you looked at me like I mattered. My parents don’t speak with me, my bandmates are a bunch of douchebags, and I really don’t do much outside of music. You were the one person I actually felt a connection to. Even if I wasn’t attracted to you back then, I didn’t want to give that up.” Thalia put both of her hands on my shoulders, closing the gap between us ever so slightly. “When I came back, I fully intended to apologize, to own up to what I did and just be friends with you. Then I found out you were transitioning, I found out you were a woman; it was all too perfect and I let myself open up again and now… now I love you, Jane. I truly do. I’m sorry for the twisted mess of fucked up-edness that’s led here, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you.” Thalia eyed me expectantly but Sasha’s words echoed in my head.

Don’t you dare say something you don’t mean.

“I’m sorry you came all the way here, but I think you should leave.” Thalia looked flabbergasted. She didn’t argue the point and slowly stood up.

“Is… is it over, then?” Her voice was low and hoarse.

I stood up to meet her and walked to the door. I unlatched all of the locks while I thought about her question. “I don’t know. I think we could use a break at the very least.” I opened the door and Thalia walked towards it.

She stopped short of the threshold and looked to me once again, eyes welling up. “Well, if our break doesn’t extend to our professional relationship, I still want to let you know that Thoughtless Crime will be headlining at Arcadia Stadium in a couple of months and we requested The Average Joes to open for us. I’ll give Keith the details if you’re all interested.” She turned away from me and marched outside. Stopping once again just outside of the door she faced me for the last time that night. “I hope you and Sasha are happy together.” Without waiting for me, Thalia reached inside and grabbed the door to close it, ensuring her words were our final parting message for now.

Too much had happened this week. Ever since my excursion as Jane, I’d been on a nonstop tear of revelations and confrontations which had left me feeling hollow. There’s only so much a person has in them, and once it’s all burned away they need some time to rest and recharge. That’s what I needed, it’s what I craved. I crawled into bed and prayed that my racing mind would shut up and my wounded heart would slow down. So many tiny fleeting distractions kept me from sweet slumber and I just wanted everything to stop so I could just fucking sleep.

Hours of painful consciousness later, the sun rose and so did I. Massive bags hung under my eyes as I got ready to eviscerate some freshman essays at the tutoring center. Those poor unsuspecting bastards; I needed to let off steam and reducing someone’s hard work to a pile of red marks and harsh comments seemed like it would be downright cathartic. Before I had left the building, I got a call from Keith. That in itself was strange since I would have expected his swing-shift working ass to still be in bed.

As I answered the phone, my right ear was assaulted by a nonstop parade of my name being repeated like some kind of incantation. “JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE! Oh my god! Dude, I have news, big news, the biggest news!”

Not to rain on his parade, but I was already running a little bit late for work and had to cut this short. “Yeah man, I know. The Average Joes are going to be opening at Arcadia Stadium for Thoughtless Crime. Thalia already told me.” The receiver went silent.

“... WHAT!? That was not my news, but holy smokes of the guacamokes, this is an amazing day! The best day! The most amazingly best day ever!” Keith had devolved into folksy car-salesman mode, making up words to pair with other words, I knew this meant he had something major to say.

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense, asshole, what’s up?” I was talking while I weaved through the globs of pedestrians also making their morning commutes.

“Not over the phone, meet me at O’Halligans after work, we’re going to get celebratory shit-faced! Bring Sasha, bring Thalia, bring everybody, they all need to hear this!” Keith was acting like he had just found Atlantis in his bathtub. I agreed to meet him at the bar and said I would inform the ladies while he contacted the rest of our band. Unsure of whether or not to call Thalia, I elected to text her about Keith’s impending announcement. The two had been friends at some point in college when we all played together so his invitation to her likely was more than just due to her association with me. I had already anticipated that today would be a long day because of the sleep deprivation, but now I also had to deal with anticipating Keith’s announcement and having to see Thalia immediately after our… schism.

Exactly seven hours and forty-two minutes after my shift started, I clocked out and double-timed it to the bar. Even with my valiant effort, I was still the last one to arrive. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits, other than Thalia, who seemed to have pregamed pretty heavily and was slurring words and stumbling pretty noticeably. Not even her undeniably inebriated state could bring Keith down, though, as he bought everyone except for his girlfriend a drink.

“Eva and I are going to be parents!” Keith borderline yelled at our group. Holy shit, this was amazing. Keith always talked about wanting kids someday, but to think that day would come so soon. Eva smacked his chest lightly and held her left hand in front of him. A lightbulb went off in his head and he gestured towards her hand like a magician trying to capture an audience's attention. There was a ring on her finger that hadn’t been there previously. “We’re also getting married. Oh my god, we’re getting married!” He pulled Eva into a deep kiss, and when he released her, she was cracking up with laughter at his unbelievably excitable nature. Keith was never one to contain his joy; if he was celebrating, he wanted the world to celebrate with him, and I gotta say the mood was infectious. Everybody but Thalia was alight with cheer and happiness. The proverbial Scrooge in our group hugged the bar and didn’t react or mingle in the slightest. Being the social butterfly I never was, Keith decided to try and cheer up Thalia and offered her a drink.

“I don’t even know why I’m here; you don’t have to try so hard,” she said, shutting him down and slamming the rest of her current drink. Realizing that she was bringing the mood down, she shifted gears. “I’m sorry. Congratulations, I’m happy for you.”

“I know we’ve had our differences, but you mean a lot to Joe, that’s why you’re here.” Keith was really pushing his olive branch, but Thalia just was not having it.

“Am I important to her? Jane here dumped me yesterday -- oh, I’m sorry. She didn’t dump me, we’re just on a break. Buuuuullshit.” Thalia started shuffling away from us, and after what she had just said I was grateful… I was also really hoping that my friends were too blitzed to pick up on--

“Jane? Who the hell is Jane?” Keith brought voice to the thought which had popped into almost everyone’s head. Oh, god, no.

“I wouldn’t worry about it man, she’s drunk off her ass. I’m sure it was just a mistake.” In came Sasha with the save, thank god. My relief was short lived as Thalia stopped in her tracks.

“Oh, that’s right!” Thalia spun around and I felt a shiver run down my spine.”You all don’t know about Jane here, she’s transgender, actually makes a pretty woman when she’s all made up. How’s that for an announcement?” Thalia let out one single breath of laughter before making her way back to the bar.

Against my better judgment, I scanned the room and saw all of my friends staring at me in confusion. This was my chance to deny it. Thalia had left and I could easily play it off as a joke gone bad… but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want to lie that directly to the people who mattered to me. So I elected for the much braver option of running the hell away. I ran out of the bar and away from everyone’s widened eyes, I felt like I was going to throw up. Everyone knew; there was no going back now. Everyone knew and I was terrified to see how they would react next time I saw them. Everyone knew… and I was strangely relieved.