Running through the deserted streets of town, I had no idea where I was headed. Going home wasn’t an option; people knew where I lived and I was actively avoiding people at the moment. The bar wasn’t an option because that’s where I’d last seen said people. Beyond those two choices, nothing in town really stood out to me as an obvious hideaway. Wow, how empty was my life where the list of places I’d be willing to hide out in town was limited to two? Note to self, get out more. I briefly considered pulling a Forest Gump and simply running along for a while; after all, I was kind of enjoying this midnight jog. Well, I was enjoying it aside from my aching feet, burning legs, lungs on the verge of collapse and -- oh, right, I hated running. My mistake.

Finally succumbing to my human limits, I half sat and half tumbled onto the grass of the town’s park. It was actually quite nice here; the chilly winter winds blew the last remaining leaves of autumn off of their wooden perches and bent the unmowed grass around me into pleasant waves of emerald. Yes, the park had a wicked high crime rate, but damn if it wasn’t the most scenic place in town to get stabbed. Not a moment after I’d dropped, I heard footsteps in the grass behind me. Crap, I’d been tailed. “Jane?” Sasha’s voice was tactfully delicate as if she’d expected to find me in some inconsolable state.

I swung my head with enough force to knock some errant strands of hair out of my eyes before smiling widely. “Hey there, Pal.” It was hard to believe, but Sasha looked even more dumbfounded than my friends who had discovered that I was a woman only a few minutes prior.

“You seem… okay?” Sasha sat down in the grass next to me and hugged her knees to her chest. Neither of us was dressed for the cold out here, what with us having left our coats back at the bar.

Crossing my outstretched legs, I let out a small yawn and leaned back on the palms of my hands. “I’m right as rain, Mary Jane. Wait, I’m Jane. Crap, how many expressions use Jane? I’m gonna need to re-up my colloquialism vocabulary.”

Sasha placed a hand on my shoulder and I shuddered. “Yeah, you’re kind of freaking out, aren’t you?” Gee, what gave it away? Was it the Olympic-quality sprint or the inability to stop smiling and saying stupid shit? “It’s okay to not be okay. Hell, you have more of a right to be sad, or angry, or scared, than a lot of people will have in a lifetime.” Using my planted hands, I propelled myself to my feet and slowly paced around the grass.

“I’ll take D, all of the above, Regis! What’s my prize?” My pacing started to pick up in speed until I was stamping out a permanently indented circle in the grass, making my rounds through a loop like a racecar driver. “What the fuck was that!?” I yelled at nobody in particular. “Honestly, what the fuck just happened in there? Did that actually happen? That couldn’t honestly have happened just now, right?” I broke formation to march straight at a nearby lamppost and when I was close enough I balled up a fist and struck it. As one would expect, metal beats flesh. “GODDAMNIT!” That curse owed equal parts to my frustration and the new throbbing pain in my hand.

“Jane, stop it!” Sasha yelled as she shot up to her feet. How the hell could I stop it, everything was red. Everything hurt. My chest, my eyes, my head; there was this massive pressure that felt like it would rip me apart at any moment. All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs, to let this fucked-up world know exactly what I thought of it. My whole body was shaking and I couldn’t feel the cold I knew this season had brought. For so long, I had kept this a secret. For so long, I had worked toward my goal in silence, alone. Now, it was all for nothing. Everyone who mattered to me knew. The die had been cast against my will and now all I could do was wait for the result. Somehow I had lost control of an integral part of my life, and why? Because Thalia got drunk and petty. My skin had flared an unnaturally red color, but this wasn’t embarrassment. No, this was rage; a rage like I hadn’t felt in--

Two pale arms wrapped around me and squeezed me tightly. When had Sasha gotten so close? I… I hadn’t even seen her coming, but there she was wrapped around me. Her arms were cold on my skin and her face was buried in my shoulder, hiding her expression. She shivered slightly and I returned the gesture. I’d hesitate to call this a hug; a hug is a gesture done out of affection or friendship or something of the sort -- shared happiness, if you will. No, this was a woman’s attempt to anchor down a friend, tethering them to the ground and not letting them ascend to dangerous heights on the power of hot air. For my part, I was simply holding on for dear life, afraid of where my own stupidity would take me. I don’t remember how long we stood there; it could have been seconds, or minutes, hell, I’d believe you if you told me we had stayed in that spot for hours. At the end of it all, I released my grip and Sasha followed soon after. We each took a step back and watched the grass dance between us. “Thank you,” I said after a time. “Thank you so much, Sasha.” A sweet smile spread across her face and she socked my arm.

“Don’t be getting any ideas that I’m sentimental or something, I’m just freezing my ass off out here and needed the warmth.” Sasha turned on her heel and started marching back towards the bar. “Come on then, we gotta go and get our jackets at the very least.”

I started following her lead. “Ah yes, so your ass doesn’t freeze right off, that would be downright tragic.” Sasha cocked her hip as she walked.

“Wouldn’t it?” Nothing else was said on the way back to the bar, but the smile on my face was proof of Sasha’s invaluable influence.

Upon arriving once again at O’Halligan’s, I steeled myself and entered without hesitation. Bring it on! Oh… everyone was already gone. My wasted adrenaline slowly settled and I grabbed my jacket from the rack. Sasha and I were about to leave when I noticed that not everyone we had met up with earlier had left. Hiding out at the end of the bar, with her face buried in her arms, was Thalia. Sasha had followed my line of sight and locked onto her as well. “Come on, you don’t have to do this tonight.” Sasha tugged on my arm lightly but I was already making my way towards Thalia.

It was a weeknight and the bar was pretty dead. My own footsteps could be heard over the light din of music and scattered conversations. As I approached Thalia, I heard her crying. For some reason that, more than anything else that night, really pissed me off. I took the seat next to Thalia, seeing an unfinished drink in front of her and smelling an overpowering amount of alcohol with every whimper she let out. “Well, damn, who would have thought you’d be the one crying after what happened tonight.” Thalia swung her head lazily to regard me for a moment before returning to her sorrow.

“Leave me alone, Jane.” Thalia seemed to deflate as she spoke. In all of the years I’d known her, I had never seen Thalia so defeated. There was something so profoundly unsettling about seeing someone you knew was strong so… vulnerable. Sasha slid into the seat next to me, but remained silent.

“Thalia, I--”

“She moved on.” Thalia interrupted me while pounding the bar. Her drink that had been sitting in a puddle of its own condensation shifted slightly. Who had moved on? Was she referring to herself in the second person? “Helen's hooking up with fucking Dennis Page. That motherfucker got me kicked off the tour because I wouldn’t suck his dick and now he’s with my Helen.” Excuse me, was Thalia really crying over her ex right now? “She fucked me over just like the rest of them, but there was always that stupid part of me that thought we might still end up together.”

Thalia reached for her drink and missed the mark; her inebriated fingers knocked her drink over and spilled its remaining contents off the opposite edge of the counter. Any other day, Thalia would have punctuated her mistake with a few choice curse words before ordering another round; today, her head sunk to the wooden countertop and she simply stared at nothing. Too bad for her, but I was fresh out of sympathy at the moment. Yessiree, there was no way I was going to feel even the least bit sorry for her. The Empathy Express had made its last stop and had pulled out of the station. Now way. No how. It wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t care less about her damn problems. “What happened, Thalia?” Son of a bitch! Why did I never listen to me!?

Thalia seemed to regain some life after hearing the question. “Fucking Dennis the Douchebag happened. That asshole hit on me constantly. Nobody knew I was seeing Helen, but I made it clear I wasn’t into him. Then after our last show, well, the last one Thoughtless Crime was around for, he just started grabbing me. Naturally I got pissed and started screaming but nobody did anything to stop him. His bandmates were kind of laughing and Helen just sat there minding her own business. We were in Gracefall’s bus, so Paul and the two dipshits weren’t around. I took matters into my own hands and smashed a bottle over his head. Gave that fucker a real good concussion too, heh. Then he turns around and starts saying that I attacked him because he wouldn’t sleep with me… and everyone of his bandmates backed up his story. All of them… even Helen.” Everytime Thalia said the name “Helen,” it held a bittersweet twinge; so full of anger, but equally packed with affection.

Sasha chimed in from behind me, “You must have really cared about her.” She was leaning over the counter to look past me at Thalia.

“Cared, no… I loved her. I still love her. I hate that fucking bitch but I’d give anything to see her again. The way she’d sing along to songs on the radio when she didn’t know the lyrics, the way she would throw her pick in the air during practice even though she was a klutz and never caught it, the way she smelled when she held me after a night of passion… I miss her so much.” Thalia had gone from nearly catatonic to openly weeping. Seeing someone I knew in so much pain hurt, despite the fact that she had spurned me. I felt so bad for her, but what she had said ignited a pressing need for me to ask one more question.

“If you love her… why did you string me along? Why did you tell me that you loved me?” Sasha leaned a bit closer to hear Thalia’s reponse, as did I.

“It -- it was too easy; it was too easy to get you to like me, too easy to like you just enough to not hate myself for being with you, and too easy to keep you focused on me and not the person you’d liked for years. Don’t beat yourself up, though, pathetically lonely people like us naturally jump at the prospect of not being alone, even if we could be happier elsewhere. It’s human nature in its shittiest form.” My blood ran cold and my heartbeat slowed drastically enough to have me worried that every beat had been my last. So that’s what she really thought of me.

“Was I really just a stand in, a participation trophy in place of the prize? Did you really use me because you thought you couldn’t have what you really wanted?” The anger in me that had stayed relatively silent during this conversation made itself known in my tone.

“Heh, like you weren’t doing the same damn thing.” Not knowing how to respond to that, I simply stared at Thalia’s cruel smirk. It took me a few seconds to realize that it wasn’t solely directed at myself. I turned to face Sasha in time to see her walking out the door. “Well, that could have gone better, huh?”

The same fury from the park returned, but it had changed a bit. Thalia was right, we had used each other. I’d used Thalia as a font of acceptance and support and she’d used me as a crutch in her breakup. Neither of us was the victim. Yes, she was more aware of our mutual arrangement than I had been, but my ignorance was also my fault. I hated myself for the stupidity of it all. More than anything, I hated having dragged Sasha into our twisted game.

Without acknowledging Thalia’s final quip, I put on my jacket and left. Never in my life had I been so exhausted, so physically and emotionally drained. My path home was one of those strange times where you go into complete autopilot mode and sort of wake up where you were headed. When I came to, I was approaching my door while a shivering Keith sat in front of my apartment waiting. When he saw me, he stood up. “Joe -- Jane, I mean. Shit. I… Can we talk?” Hooray, more talking.

“Look, dude, I just finished the single most tiring day of my life. I’m gonna go pass out now, we can talk tomorrow.” Keith, who had strategically placed himself in front of my door, refused to move.

“I’ll be quick, just please give me five minutes.” Right, my best friend was stubborn as a mule, how could I forget?

I placed my back against my neighbor’s wall and slid down onto the icy concrete floor. Keith took a seat where he had been standing. “You get five minutes… and yes, I am timing this.”

“Can’t we do this inside?” Keith asked, still shaking lightly.

“I don’t deserve warmth right now.” Keith tilted his head in confusion.

“Well, shit, I wish I had time enough to ask about the new self-flagellation thing, but never mind, I guess. Look, I just wanted to say that you’ll always be my friend. I love you like the broth-- sister I never had. I’m sorry if I screw up a lot along the way, it’s kind of my thing. Just know that I’m on your side.” Keith, you son of a bitch. I had done such a good job of not crying today and now you had to try and ruin it. No consideration, I swear. “Also, while I’m here, I was going to ask you something kind of important tonight before shit hit the fan, but…”

“No, Keith, I won’t marry you. What would Eva think?” Keith sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Stop being you for a second and just listen. I WAS going to ask you to be best man at the wedding… that seems all kinds of wrong now for obvious reasons. Anyway, I asked my fiancee… god, I love saying that; I asked her if it was cool to have a maid of honor slash best lady on my side for the wedding and she was one hundred percent on board, so yeah. You up for that?” Heaving a heavy sigh, I stood up and fished my keys from my pocket. Keith likewise stood. “What the hell, that wasn’t five minutes.”

“Yeah, but you’ve earned warmth and hot water flavored in a fashion of your choosing, congratulations.” Keith sprung out of my way, eager to enter my apartment and exit the scrote-shrivelingly cold outdoors.

“Alright, I’m gonna take that as a yes!” As I unlocked the door, Keith sashayed inside and dove for my heater, which he turned on and cranked to maximum.

“Of course I’ll do it. I could never pass up an opportunity to give an embarrassing speech about you in front of all your friends and family.” Despite being warmed up, Keith froze.

Half an hour and three cups of tea later, Keith was getting ready to head out. He put on a comical amount of jackets and two scarves. He looked like an explorer about to brave the frozen Antarctic, but it was barely even thirty degrees Fahrenheit outside. “Hey, Keith… sorry about my ex kind of shitting all over your day.” Keith laughed and held up his hand for a high five. With an appropriate level of confusion, I complied with his unspoken request.

“Don’t even sweat it, Jane. That shit was worth it just to hear you call that witch your ex. The spell is broken, you’re free!” I most certainly was.

“Damn right I am, for now. I was thinking about asking Sasha--” Keith raised his arm for a second before remembering something and lowering it again. “What?”

“You believe in gender equality, right?” Not going to lie, that question came out of left field.

“Yeah, of course--” Keith chopped my head. “What the hell!?”

“Sorry but someone has to knock the damn stupid out of you. Honestly, do you think asking Sasha out on the rebound is a good idea? How the hell would she feel about you pursuing her after you JUST ended it with Thalia? Give it some time to cool off, damn.” Keith had always fancied himself a relationship expert. Now that he was on his way to being married, I suppose it kind of did make him the expert; wow, I could never tell him that.

“So how long should I wait?” Oh please, grandmaster, teach this willing grasshopper.

“Hell if I know, do it when the right moment comes.” Oh yes, thank you, Keith. That is sooooo useful. My face must have matched the snark and sarcasm of my thoughts, because Keith burst into laughter on his way out of the door. “Good luck, Jane! Oh, and don’t forget to show up for practice tomorrow. I really want us to suck moderately less before the Arcadia Stadium.” With those parting words, I was left alone at last. It had been a hell of a week, but I finally felt like things were on the upswing again. There would be no more hiding who I was, I had a new ally in my transition, and our band was still set to play a swanky-ass venue. Who knew, maybe Arcadia would be the big break that would propel The Average Joes to legitimate stardom.

***

“So it looks like Arcadia is going to be the last show for The Average Joes,” Keith said somberly as I entered his garage. Well, screw me for being optimistic.