Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 12.dane - Belief

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

 Dawn

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

[ - Saturday Sept. 07 2019, 5:30pm, Dawn's house - ]

 

What the hell is going on with my best friend?

 

I sit alone on the leather couch in my family’s living room. E’s still in the kitchen, likely having Anne write out more ‘Amaranthine’ script for us to look up online later. I’d excused myself to take a little break out here a few minutes ago, just to get away from the focused note-taking and question-asking. 

 

Now I’m curled up with several pages of mixed handwriting from myself, E, and Anne beside me on the sofa. I’d been asking them questions and writing down the responses for over an hour now, but I still don’t have any idea what’s truly happening to my best friend. Hence why I’d decided I needed some space to think and process all this stuff.

 

I skim over the page I’m holding, mulling over the specifics of E’s ‘visions’ of Anne in particular. I make little notes in brackets as I go, trying to clarify things so I remember the details later.

 

E and Anne Notes

Sept. 7, 2019

 

E felt Anne at table this morning, went quiet for few minutes, then came to. did not remember feeling Anne. [<- not-E awakening]

 

First known occurrence of unexplained sensation from/contact with Anne on: 11/3/2019

Sounds of a crowd?

• E/Anne amidst circle of shouting speakers in foreign language 
• anne’s native language: amaranthien? [Amaranthine]
• crowd angry at E/Anne? hostile feeling. why? [‘Amira’ in a fight.]
• Anne’s emotions ‘bleed over’. -> any triggers? frequency?
• E knows Anne’s language when they’re talking & vice versa
• knowledge transfer? ‘total nonsense’? [not-E’s take]
• Anne memories distant now [<- for not-E]
• E feels like some part of her is missing [<- E was the one missing, not-E was feeling this]

--- later

Anne and ‘other part’ of E are back. -DID? 

• other part: E
• person I’ve been talking to until now: not-E

 

The fact that Anne is apparently part of a different mind-system than E’s took a while for me to understand. I mean, I still don’t really understand it, or a lot about plural stuff in general -  I’ve got a lot of googling to do at some point. Though the whole ‘my friend might be telepathically connected to another world’ is decidedly not something I expect to find a lot of resources on. 

 

I frown, and grab a different note page. This one is full of the timeline of experiences E and Anne have shared up to now, and I continue reading and making more notes as I go.

 

Experiences / hallucinations / visions so far:

1. Tuesday 11pm - crowd noises, adrenaline rush
   1. E was outside feeling relatively neutral 
   2. Anne was feeling pumped up and on edge [emotions not always synced]
   3. Anne says ‘Amira was dueling a well-liked captain of the guard’ in their world. [Amira is part of Anne’s system. Can plural systems have systems inside of them that feel foreign?]
2. Wednesday 11:30am - E’s soda tasted like alcohol, fries tasted/felt like salad leaves
   1. E at uni cafeteria 
   2. Anne says she experienced the inverse taste-switch.
   3. Anne does NOT like soda. [can’t fault her there]
3. Wednesday 2pm - E heard bird song, smelt incense, felt calm
   1. E in uni during calculus
   2. Anne praying in her room, heard E’s professor out of thin air [sense-switching doesn’t always line up? Anne didn’t mention any weird smells]
4. Thursday 7am - E’s toothpaste tasted like coffee, Anne’s coffee tasted ‘like the most vile minty paste imaginable’
   1. E in her bathroom feeling rushed and tired
   2. Anne in a cafe-type place feeling grumpy
5. Thursday 6pm - E briefly saw/smelt/heard/felt Anne’s bedroom, felt fear
   1. E in her bedroom, initially felt anxious
   2. Anne experienced E’s room, initially felt afraid of their connection
   3. They both describe an intensifying of the anxiety/fear 
6. Thursday 10pm - E saw Anne’s body’s face in the mirror, felt frustration
   1. E in her bathroom: excited about becoming Anne, then afraid of losing herself
   2. Anne saw E’s face in her mirror: she studied E calmly, then felt apprehension about ‘what this means for the future’
   3. [notably different emotions: E: thrill of excitement followed by fear, Anne: studious calm followed by dread]
7. Thursday 11pm - E saw/smelt/heard/felt Anne’s bedroom, felt wave of exhaustion
   1. E getting into her bed, initially felt relaxed then almost passed out from exhaustion
   2. Anne: experienced E’s room for duration, Amira’d been ‘on patrol’ that day and so they(?) were very tired physically

 

 

I pause before flipping the page over, ruminating. E’s breaks with reality increase in both frequency and intensity from Tuesday night onwards, it seems. She hadn’t been able to come up with any possible reasons for why this all started Tuesday. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened to her that she could recall, and Anne had said the same was true for her and her system. 

 

I shift a little, putting the notes aside as I lean forward to take a sip from the glass of water on the coffee table. The water tastes crisp and clear, and I down another third of the glass in seconds. I hadn’t realized how thirsty I was until I finally took this little break, and I want to make sure I actually hydrate myself while I’m reading.

 

Water consumed and ideas stagnated, I settle back into the sofa and pick up the page of notes again.

 

8. Friday 2am - strong irritation from Anne, seemingly targeted at E

1. 1. E in bed glued to reddit, wondering if she’s turning into Anne
   2. Anne (and her ‘system’) upset at being woken up by E’s thinking about her

9. Friday 6am - E smelt/felt a fire and anger

1. 1. E in her bathroom, exhausted, thinks about Anne before feeling her
   2. Anne/Amira warming themselves at a bonfire, frustrated at unpredictability of their connections [so they were both thinking about each other when connection occurred]

10. Friday 8-9am - Both switched entire perceptions repeatedly between E’s discrete math test and Anne’s ‘teleportation sigil’ 

1. 1. E in class at uni, totally focused on exam
   2. Anne in private study room at ‘the academy’, totally focused on her work
   3. [Both described being near-single-mindedly focused on their task]

11. Friday 1pm - E unaware of this one: Anne claims to have ‘visited’ E while she was asleep in class.

1. 1. Anne appeared sitting next to E in lecture hall, accurately described the professor and how E was positioned at her desk. [first time one of them appeared in the other’s world with their own ‘body’]
   2. Anne reportedly spent the next few hours building a ‘bridge’ between their minds [strengthening their connection?]
   3. First intentional connection

12. Friday 5pm - E saw/heard Anne standing in uni courtyard

1. 1. E heard Anne’s thoughts directly and vice versa
   2. E saw from Anne’s perspective for a second and vice versa
   3. E heard Anne speak in her language; Anne ‘sent’ visualization of the language’s written form to E

      ĥäkh ghùzĥâ æmărænthin 

   4. Anne wrote that, means roughly ‘this [script] is Amaranthine', apparently [no idea yet if that’s from a normal non-English language, or if it’s even a coherent language to begin with. Anne’s writing out more for us to analyze - maybe post online?]

   5. Intentional connection

13. Friday 5:15pm - Anne contacted E, E asked to be left alone for a while

1. 1. E walking to uni parking garage; feeling upset and nervous
   2. Anne in a ‘tree temple’ feeling calm and collected
   3. Intentional connection

14. Friday 6pm - Anne talked to E briefly in the kitchen

1. 1. Accidental connection
   2. Both were feeling very nervous
   3. Anne’s system was telling their sister about E
   4. E was trying to figure out how to tell Dawn about Anne

15. Saturday 12:45pm - E went to Anne’s mind on purpose

1. 1. Anne has a mental ‘personal sanctuary’ that looks like a jungley island
   2. E had difficulty navigating to Anne’s mind at first
   3. Anne’s bridge ended up helping her find her way
   4. Felt like over an hour to them, was maybe fifteen minutes max for Dawn and Not-E
   5. Not-E ‘woke up’ once E left

 

I sit quietly for a few minutes after I finish my review, sipping at the glass of water in my hand.

 

Unfortunately, none of what E / Anne / Not-E have shared has provided a clear answer for what’s going on in their head. I’m way out of my depth here. I barely know anything about ‘Dissociative Identity Disorder’, except that it replaced ‘Multiple Personality Disorder’ in the DSM-V. So far, DID is the only solid guess I have for what’s happening to E, especially since Anne brought it up herself and Not-E and E have continued to want to be separate ‘headmates’ since E got back. 

 

Even still, DID doesn’t answer everything. It’s entirely possible that it’s comorbid with some other type of disorder. With the hallucinations - and possible delusions - it could very well be some flavor of schizophrenia, or a sign of something like delirium - though it seems less acute than that - or dementia - though E’s incredibly young. 

 

Or, of course, there’s the possibility that my friend actually has a magical girl in her head. I haven’t found any obvious delusions or holes in E and Anne’s story. Aside from, you know, the impossibility of magic, telepathy, other worlds and stuff. I’m trying to keep an open mind about it all, but I’ve had to put on a poker face a couple times so far when my own beliefs got riled up by the stuff they’re claiming to be experiencing. This has been a whole hell of a lot to take in in an afternoon. 

 

I shift a little on the couch, putting aside the note pages and drawing my knees up to my chest, thinking. Is it even ethical to go along with all this? To not speak up and challenge E’s assumptions that something supernatural is going on? The question’s been nagging at me from the moment I realized she was serious about Anne being from ‘another world’ rather than a part of her mind.

 

Truth be told I don’t even know what I believe, spiritually. My instinct is to be there for E and her system, to help them through all this. But it’s going to be difficult to continue to hide my own hesitations about the supernatural elements. I need to be honest with her about any doubts I have, because I’ve no doubt she’ll see through me eventually if I keep trying to lie about them. Losing her trust like that is the last thing I want to do.

 

So, what do I, newly-minted trans girl Dawn Madeline Anderson, truly believe?

 

I’ve had the extremely good fortune to not grow up being forced to adhere to a particular worldview. My birth parents had been christians, but I’ve no memory of them ever trying to force that faith on me in the handful of years we had together. I met adults from various faiths during my time in the foster care system, but didn’t really learn much about their actual religions. I took a class on world religions in my first year of college to broaden my spiritual horizon a little bit, but none of the major faiths super appealed to me.

 

I don’t even know if I believe this world is ‘real’. One of my favorite movies is the Matrix, and the argument that reality is most likely a simulation has definitely held some weight for me since high school. I still obviously love my friends and family in this world though, and the simulation stuff has felt less compelling in recent years. And I mean, if anything, being part of a sandbox digital world lends more possible explanations for how E and Anne can communicate the way they are. If there’s an earth simulation going, why not a fantasy one too? And why couldn’t they mingle like E and Anne are?

 

I shift myself forward a bit, sitting up straighter and crossing my legs. I take another long draught of my water, frowning to myself. 

 

I know Jay, one of my dads, has an interest in UFOs and bigfoot and other stuff like that. He’d tried to be nonchalant about it, but I caught him watching esoteric documentaries and youtube series that he quickly switched off upon my arrival too many times. When I’d tried to ask him about it he’d initially seemed embarrassed and claimed it was ‘just a guilty hobby’. But a couple more months and probing conversations later, he’d admitted that there’s some part of him that’s convinced there’s more to this world than what we’re able to perceive and measure objectively. 

 

Like the simulation stuff, that’s kinda stuck with me. Given what little I know about quantum physics from conversations with my other dad, Aiden, it doesn’t even seem as far-fetched as it once had, that some supernatural experiences may be based in fact. I’ve heard plenty of stories both online and in the few esoteric documentaries I’ve watched with Jay over the past year or so to know that there’s a lot of people who sincerely believe in weirdness. If there’s really truth to ghosts and aliens and crap, I don’t see a point in immediately discounting E’s experiences as impossible.

 

I set my glass of water back down on the coffee table, and start shuffling all the notes sheets back into an ordered pile. I haven’t necessarily come to any conclusions out here, but at least I’ve had a chance to check in with myself. And now, if E asks, I can honestly say I’ve thought about it and haven’t ruled out believing in her and Anne’s story.

 

---

 

 

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Anne

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

I feel E and Not-E watching me closely from the viewing room in their mind. They’d let me take over fronting in their body for now, so that I could write down more basic Amaranthine grammar and spelling rules in an effort to either prove or disprove whether my city’s language is ‘real’. That had only taken a half hour or so, and now I’m focusing my mind intently on the sheet of paper before me. 

 

I’ve written down a number of simple magic spell glyphs - mixtures of art and language that help new mages learn to focus their power in specific patterns of intent. I’m trying to get some idea of how to sense magic in this world, if it even exists at all. I’m fairly sure that proving I can do magic here will go a long way towards increasing these people’s belief in me.

 

Unfortunately, as with every time before, when I focus my thoughts on the simple ice glyph and spread my awareness out as far as I can to the world around me - searching for some small iota of power to shape into my spell - I can feel nothing. Well, nothing but the growing disbelief of the two watching me from within their mind.

 

I sit back in my chair with a huff of irritation.

 

I’ve been trying my best not to be perturbed by their festering doubts in my reality, but I’m fast approaching my limit for today. E had seemed to believe what I told her about my system and my life thus far - we’d been sharing perceptions often enough that I hadn’t thought it possible for there to be any question of our dual realities. But during the past two hours, as we all worked to write down what we remember happening with their friend Dawn, her confidence in me had waned. Partly because Not-E has become increasingly suspicious of my origins: they wonder if I am just another part of their mind. And partly because, though we haven’t spoken about it yet, it seems clear that Dawn also suspects I am a deluded member of this body’s system rather than an otherworldly interloper. To the three native members of this place, that narrative ‘fits the facts’ better than my lived experience. 

 

For my part, I am being very careful to make sure I check in with my own system back in my world often. I’ve slipped away twice already during this lengthy discussion, when E or Not-E were fronting and talking to Dawn. But it still requires a decent amount of focus to traverse the bridge back to E's mind, and I’m growing tired. Amira wants me to stay there rather than continue risking myself by coming to this place, and I’d promised her and myself that this will be my final effort for the time being. 

 

The absolute last thing I want is for this world’s lack of magic and belief to infect me. Being in a dissociative system with members who doubt my reality is downright dangerous if I get blended in with them and forget parts of myself. It could prevent me from remembering how to get back to my true mind family entirely, though I have faith that Amira and Ania would send a rescue party. 

 

The only reason I’m still here is the hope I can prove myself to these people before they confront me with their doubts, but that hope is waning fast.

 

Dawn had stepped away to collect herself in another room a half hour ago, and I had thought it the perfect opportunity to prove to E and Not-E that my magic is real. But so far it seems like ‘my’ magic doesn’t exist in their world. I’ve even tried bringing some magic energy with me from my world, but it seems to disperse into nothing upon arriving in E’s mind.

 

Before us on the table are a half dozen basic spell glyphs I’ve drawn out with painstaking accuracy. Back home, it takes barely a thought to conjure up some fire when I need it. The focus, the visualization, even the feeling of molding magic with my intentions are all ingrained in my mind and body from decades of routine use. Normally I wouldn’t bother with the simple glyphs I’ve drawn out here, but given that my normal spell casting techniques aren’t working I thought it best to go back to the basics. 

 

When I’m fronting in my true body, I can draw in a bit of power either from the ambient magic from the world around me or from my innate pool of energy to fuel the spells I tend to use day to day. Here in E’s world I can’t feel the faintest hint of magic in the air around me. Nor is there any trace of power lurking in E and Not-E’s mind or body that I can detect. Maybe it’s because they and this body are completely unused to sensing magic, or perhaps they’re so used to doing so that they’ve completely tuned it out? Or, of course, there simply is no magic here. Though if that's the case, I can't fathom how we became connected in the first place.

 

Hey Anne, E says suddenly, breaking through my frustrated melancholy, is there a way that Not-E and I can have a private conversation?

 

I frown. Given that I haven’t heard anything from them for a while I’m pretty sure they’ve already been doing that, but whatever. Yes of course, I reply mentally, just focus on talking solely to each other, and maybe get away from the viewing screen if that helps. 

 

At least even if I can’t show them magic, I can still help these two with internal system tips and tricks, I suppose.

 

Cool, Not-E says, We’ll be away for a bit then. Uh, let us know if you need us.

 

Of course, I say, managing to keep my mental tone free of at least some of the frustration I’m feeling. Though I’m sure they’re both already well aware of it.

 

Their presence retreats from my awareness after that, and I’m left relatively alone in their body. 

 

It’s actually a relief to be able to think and experiment without them breathing down my neck. I go back to the first glyph I transcribed, a circular border with a few smaller circles, triangles, and lines inside of it arranged in a vaguely bird-like shape. It’s a pattern that represents light, at least to me. 

 

Technically a sigil can look like anything at all, it depends solely on what is meaningful to the caster. The ones my system and I use are based on a symbol-language we’d been taught in our early years of life. We know the intricacies of that elemental alphabet well enough to create a pattern for basically any spell we need.

 

I purse my lips, staring at the simple drawing. I’ve been going over the basics of magic as I was taught them, so long ago. The first step is to get comfortable and attune myself to my body. This body isn’t mine obviously, but I put aside the distinction for now and let myself identify with it as best I can. My hope is I can figure out some way to jury rig magic to work here, at least for a tiny demonstration. 

 

In my world, a beginner would focus on a glyph and recreate it as best they could in their mind’s eye, then use a combination of belief, perception, and will to channel their innate magic through the lines of the sigil and hold it in that pattern. Once they’re able to keep a bit of magic in the specific shape / pattern of intention represented by the glyph, they then need to practice pushing a bit of magic through that sigil of energy and out into the world around them. In this case, they’d be able to create a flash of harmless light somewhere in close proximity, with distance and strength determined by how much energy they cast it with.

 

The sigil acts like a filter, or a focus. Instead of pushing their innate energy out into the world and then trying to shape it into light via will alone, they only let out the specific pattern of intention that creates light to begin with. I can do all of that without issue. The problem is, I don’t know where to get the energy to power this thing.

 

I close my eyes, and will myself to breathe deeply. It isn’t terribly difficult for me to relax all of the muscles in this form, and once done I focus all of my attention on the subtle feedback from its senses. 

 

Without the owners of this body’s doubts pressing against my consciousness, I find it infinitely easier to attune myself to the world around me. I pay attention to each gentle breath of air moving across my skin, and listen intently to the faint background noises of the various contraptions running throughout the house. I can even hear the faint sounds of pen on paper from Dawn in the living room. 

 

I let my body settle, keeping my breaths deep and even. In my mind’s eye, I cast a pulse of awareness out into the world around me, intending to sense energy patterns invisible to my normal senses. I’d done this before while E and Not-E were here, and had felt nothing out of the ordinary. But now, alone, I’m able to pay far more attention to the natural flow of this place. 

 

There’s the nearly undetectable presence of electromagnetism coming from a variety of directions, which I assume is all the wiring and stuff in the house. I don’t sense any obvious sources of the magic I’m used to, but ‘fuck’ it, I decide to improvise. 

 

I firmly believe that there must be some form of energy in this world that’s compatible with my reality’s magic, and if that’s the case then that energy is present but currently undetectable. I can’t reach for it the way I’m used to, but perhaps I can draw it to me another way.

 

In the center of my chest I imagine something akin to a black hole: a void where there is absolutely no magic whatsoever. If, as I suspect, the energy around me is either stagnant or very distant, I want to create a massive change in the energy gradient. Magical energy is defined, at least to me, as energy that can be manipulated by one’s beliefs and intentions. My intention is to create a vacuum in my chest that every iota of magical energy in my surroundings, for as far out as I can stretch my awareness, is drawn towards. 

 

I hold this intention firmly in my mind, visualizing the void and imagining it pulling irrevocably at any and every atom of magic around it.

 

And after a while I realize I can feel a faint, vague trickle of warmth pooling in my chest. 

 

I almost forget to breathe as I feel the scraps of power pooling in me, but I snap out of it and quickly regain my focused state. 

 

I stay like that for a while, letting the scattered remnants of energy collect in my body.

 

Slowly, in my mind’s eye, I draw out the glyph for light. I remember every line, and recite to myself the meaning of every symbol that makes up the sigil as I visualize them. 

 

And then, with a deep breath and an act of fiercely determined will, I blast the magic I’ve gathered into the sigil.

 

---

 

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Not-E

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

“All I’m saying is, maybe we shouldn’t be looming over her shoulder and expecting her to fail?” E says, her arms crossed as she walks beside me.

 

We’re outside Anne’s giant tree room thing, taking a stroll along the mind-beach at E’s suggestion.

 

“Fine,” I say, sighing. “I’ll try not to antagonize the lady helping us figure ourselves out, but I’m also going to talk to Dawn when Anne leaves and see what she thinks. You’ve got to admit, it makes a lot more sense for her to be a part of us that woke up or whatever on Tuesday. The other option requires us to believe she’s from another reality and that we’re bound for life. It’s at least worth considering the mundane story.”

 

E nods a little, then goes quiet for a bit, looking out to the sea as we stroll through the sand. I have my hands in my black jeans’ pockets, and I’m not really paying attention to the scenery. There’s too much on my mind. Most of it’s kind of random questions like “what percentage of this brain is ‘mine’?” and “When did E and I first become separated?”.

 

“Yeah, that’s valid,” E says at last. “I agree we should consider it, but I actually think we should talk to her about it directly, and sooner rather than later. I doubt we can keep secrets from her, so there’s no point lying to her face.”

 

I raise an eyebrow at the palm tree I happen to be staring at. “Fair point,” I reply.

 

I’m honestly surprised that she suggested it so quickly, but I guess it makes sense from her friendship-focused point of view. 

 

Neither of us seem to have much to say after that, so we walk on in nervous, but companionable, silence. It’s absolutely wild to me that this whole beach, forest, island and ocean, not to mention the body I’m inhabiting, are all basically part of a shared dream with E and Anne. It’s like we have access to a whole ‘nother reality that we can mold to our liking - though it seems like there’s a ton I still need to learn about how to mold it. I’d tried affecting things a couple times while the other two were talking with Dawn, but whatever I change reverts back to its original form the instant I lose focus on it. 

 

But even though I can’t affect this world, I’m absolutely loving just walking along the shore. The incessant rolling waves form a calming background sound that’s joined by the insects and bird calls of the forest. It feels like I’m literally in nature, except for my vague awareness of the physical body and my other two ‘headmates’.

 

It isn’t long before I find my thoughts wandering down memory lane, nature walks have a tendency to make me melancholic. I wonder if E feels the same way. 

 

---

 

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

E

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

Not-E and I turn back when we’re just out of sight of the giant tree building Anne grew. I’m mulling over everything we’ve learned in the past few days. It’s incredible, all of it. And it’s been insanely stressful at times. If Anne really is some deep part of my subconscious, I guess it could make sense that she surfaced around the same time that I seriously started to question my gender identity and future? 

 

I haven’t fully committed to that view of the situation, but I know it’s what Not-E and Dawn seemed to be leaning towards earlier today. And I’m certain that Anne picked up on that too, which worries me. Whether or not she’s really from another world, she’s definitely her own person who’s in my head and showing no signs of leaving. If she really is just a part of Not-E and I’s mind, then the both of us and Dawn - the only other person who knows about any of this - all telling her that her worldview is wrong sounds traumatizing as hell. 

 

I mean, maybe it’ll be necessary eventually, but first I want to do what Dawn is doing for all of us: give Anne the benefit of the doubt. Let her tell her story, let her try whatever she wants to try to prove it short of injuring us or anyone else. If nothing else, it will give us more time to get to know her, and hopefully more ideas on how to console her if everything else turns out to be our wild imagination. 

 

Not-E makes a low ‘hmmm’ sounds beside me, and I turn to them with a questioning look. “What’s up?” I ask softly.

 

“Oh, uh,” they reply, blushing slightly. “I just remembered something from a long, long time ago. I don’t know if you were around for this, but we named our very first name-able video game character ‘Madelaine’.”

 

I smile at them, curiosity sparking through me. “I do remember that, kinda! What game was it though?”

 

“Oblivion,” they say quietly. “Our first big role playing game. I remember like, everything about that play through. It wasn’t too long after we started that that we met Dawn, but we still hid it from her like it was our darkest secret.”

 

“I mean, I guess it kinda was?” I hazard. “I sure don’t remember being at all comfortable with playing games as a girl in front of anyone else. Not until Dawn started it with ‘to be a princess’.”

 

“A fair point,” Not-E replies. “I’ve been thinking, Oblivion might be the first place we ever saw multiple personalities in a single body depicted, do you remember? Like with Sheogorath and Jygglag and stuff?” 

 

I wrack my brain, and I vaguely recall ‘Sheogorath’ being a god of madness with a whole expansion devoted to him. I’ve no idea how my counterpart remembers the name Jygglag, but it jogs my memory enough to recall that’s Sheogorath’s alternate self, the god of order.

 

“Yeah, I kinda remember that whole story. I don’t remember it being super impactful to us though?”

 

“It wasn’t I don’t think,” Not-E replies, “But it feels... important to me, I guess.” 

 

They absent-mindedly kick a little shell and a bit of sand further into the scrubland between the beach and forest. There’s a brooding aura about them, and I keep quiet almost instinctively, somehow knowing that they’ll speak when they’re ready. We walk on in silence. 

 

After a few more paces, they announce: “Anyway I think that’s the name I want, for now: Madelaine.” 

 

“Oh yeah?” I ask in happy surprise.

 

They turn away, but not before I see the content little smile on their face.

 

“Yeah. I’ve always liked it,” they say, “It feels like a link to my past.” They say the name a few more times aloud, sounding it out as I watch them with a massive smile on my face. “Mad-eh-lane, Madelaine! Maddie. Yeah. At least it’s better than Not-you,” Maddie concludes.

 

“I love it!” I exclaim, “it’s a beautiful name!”

 

Madelaine turns to meet my gaze finally, a slight smirk on their lips. “I’ll take it, but I’m not sure I’m aiming for ‘beautiful.’ I’m still not nearly as girly a girl as you are.”

 

I blush, averting my eyes almost immediately. “I-I got that vibe, yeah. But I think beautiful can be applied to any gender, I didn’t mean it in a hyper femme way?” I tuck a lock of hair behind my ear and continue without waiting for an answer, “Do you think you’re like, nonbinary, by the way?”

 

They laugh a little, enjoying my flusteredness. “Fair point. And yeah, nonbinary works for now. I’m definitely some flavor of transfemmeby. How about you? I get the feeling you’re pretty firmly ‘girl’, but do you have any thoughts about your name?”

 

I tilt my head, staring at them with a small smile. “Yeah, I really like being a girl so far.” 

 

I hesitate, unsure if I want to answer the second question just yet. But in the end I decide I might as well, no point in trying to keep secrets from my new-old friend. “I haven’t put like, a ton of thought into it. But I really like the name Ellie, in a way I don’t feel with most other names? So that might be what I go with.”

 

Maddie grins at me. “The Last of Us left an impression on you, did it?”

 

I roll my eyes: the Ellie in that game is super cute and a badass lesbian, but she’s not the only reason I like the name.  “A bit of one,” I reply, “but also I just like the way it sounds?” I furrow my brow a little, taking a page from Maddie’s book as I practice sounding out the name in a variety of tones. “Ellie, Ell-E, Elleeee. Yeah! It may end up being short for Eliza, but only if I can handle all the teasing you and Dawn are gonna give me about naming myself after our ‘to be a princess’ character.“

 

My headmate snorts with laughter. “Aw c’mon, I’m sure we won’t be that bad. Isn’t it a common thing for trans girls to give their video game characters the names they wish they could have for themselves?” they ask. “I think Eliza’s really pretty, and if you want it, you should take it. Plus I literally just explained I’m taking my name from an even older game.”

 

I look at them, my heart swelling with appreciation and love. Maddie blinks at my expression, seeming unsure how to interpret it.

 

“Thank you,” I say sincerely, “I really appreciate that. I’ve been kinda scared to tell you honestly, I feel, I dunno, afraid of being uncool, I guess?”

 

Madelaine's face falls, and they stop walking entirely. I stop a step ahead and turn to face them, apologies for my insecurities rising to my lips, but before I can react they're stepping close and wrapping me in a tight hug.

 

"I- oh," I say, taken aback.

 

"You cute beautiful girl,” they say softly, “I never want to make you feel scared of being yourself. I don't want to tease you and I sure as hell don't care about what's 'cool'. I care about you, and whatever name makes you happy is exactly what you should choose, Ellie. We're a team!"

 

I can’t help the dream-tears that well up in my dream-eyes. I hug them back hard. “Thank you,” I whisper quietly, “this is the best team I’ve ever been a part of.”

 

They chuckle as we stand there holding each other. 

 

“Right back at you, cutie pie,” they say.

 

---

 

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Dawn

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

I stand up and stretch luxuriously, letting out a giant yawn. It’s been a long fucking day and my family hasn’t even got back home yet, sheesh. I grab the stack of notes and the empty water glass, and head towards the kitchen. 

 

The house is shaped so that I can see directly from the living room into the right side of the central kitchen space. I trudge across the carpeted floor and step onto the hardwood of the kitchen. E and Anne had been seated at the left head of the table last I saw them, so as I enter the room I glance over to find them still sitting there, only now with their head bowed and their eyes closed. 

 

I start to say, “Hey, uh, I’m back,” but I barely get through “Hey,” before E’s head snaps up and her eyes flare open: staring fixedly at empty space in the center of the table.

 

An instant later, before I can even process this strange behavior, that space flashes like a camera bulb going off, a white pinpoint of light bright enough that I wince and look away with a confused yelp.

 

The light is gone a second later, but my heart's still pounding in my chest from the surprise.

 

“Yes!” E exclaims excitedly. When I cautiously turn back around, she’s beaming at me.

 

“I did the thing!” she says happily, gesturing to the empty space at the center of the table for emphasis. “Told you all I'm not making this up!”

 

There’s nothing there that I can see, no light bulb or phone camera or anything that could’ve caused that flash. I look around the kitchen, trying to see where the light source came from. Maybe it was a weird reflection off the waxed wood?

 

“Uh,” I reply in confusion, “What thing, exactly? What the hell was that?”

 

“Magic!” she exclaims triumphantly.

 

 

---

End of

Chapter 12 - Belief