The floorboards of the long-abandoned mansion groaned under my weight. Noisy bastards, I knew I lost a few pounds last month so quit complaining! Every hair on my body was standing on end as Ralee and I made our way through the moldy, wood-rotted hallway with only our flashlights to guide us through the pitch-black abode. We’d only been back in Ralee’s world for a few weeks and I still hadn’t gotten used to the whole real-life Paranormal Activity schtick. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy a good adrenaline rush from time to time, but now that I was up close and personal with it, I realized just how juvenile it was to mess with forces beyond our understanding. I shivered like a damn member of the Scooby gang and Ralee chuckled beside me. “Let me guess, you’re just a bit chilly?” She asked, mocking me with her tone.

“No!” I defended myself just a bit too passionately, prompting an even greater laugh at my expense. “Look, I’m still new to these weekly doses of mortal peril. I think I deserve a bit more time to get used to this lifestyle.”

I never pouted, not a day in my life… but if I did, it’d probably look like what I was doing at that moment. Ralee stepped through the open door leading to the master bathroom and turned on her heel to face me. “I’m sorry, babe, you know I just can’t resist teasing you when you’re like this.” As if that was supposed to make me feel better. “Look, I’m right here with you. You have nothing to worry about as long as we’re together.” Cheesy? As all hell, absolutely… but it was also oddly comforting.

As if the spirit of the not-so-dearly departed had been listening in to our private moment, the bathroom door slammed shut, separating Ralee and I. Whatever ghost was living here was a world-class asshole for that one. Terror immediately set in as I started fumbling with the door handle which would budge. “Leona! You have to get me out of here! I think it’s got me trapped with it.” I could hear the cabinets opening on creaky hinges only to slam shut on their own, repeating some strange off-beat drumline announcing the ghost’s presence. “Hurry!”

I swung my flashlight around the hallway and saw an old medieval-looking plaque with a sword and axe hung off rusty iron hooks. Well, score one for rich people cliches. I ran to the display and grabbed the axe before rushing back to the bathroom. “Ralee, back away from the door.  I gotta smash it.” Hoping she heard me, but panicked beyond the ability to hear her reply, I started swinging the axe with as much force as I could muster. The door slowly splintered open, bit by bit. Wanting to check on Ralee, I poked my face through the make-shift peephole I had made. I didn’t see anything too horrifying inside but Ralee was backed as far into the tiled corner of the shower as she possibly could be. “Hey, how messed up would it be if I said ‘Here’s Johnny’ right now?” Ralee rightfully glared at me prompting me to continue my act of demolition. “Right right, save you first, make awesome references later.” 

A few swings later, the hole had expanded to a size that Ralee was able to climb out of. Without stopping to catch her breath, Ralee was already bolting down the stairs to the foyer. Alright, guess it was every woman for themselves. I followed along as closely as possible, dropping the antique weapon I’d grabbed in order to get out faster. The two of us violently erupted out of the front door and into the calm starlit night. As soon as we were both free of the building, every open door and window slammed shut behind us with a thundering boom. Guess that was that. Ralee and I both sunk to the ground and sat on the mostly dead and dried-out lawn, trying to catch our breath before we started hyperventilating. 

“The Shining… really? You had to make a Stephen King reference right then?” Ralee asked between still labored breaths. “That was so not the time.” 

After a few seconds of gasping like a fish out of water, I managed to stammer out, “Sorry. I couldn’t help myself… I was really freaking out… plus it was kind of perfect.” Somehow, even through the damp hair matted to her face, I could see Ralee glaring at me. “And what about you miss ‘as long as we’re together everything will be fine’ you might as well have said you were two weeks from retirement. Evil’s attracted to bold declarations like that.”

We argued like that for a few minutes before the adrenalin in our systems petered out and we both devolved into fits of hysterical laughter. Ralee threw herself onto me and we both held onto each other for dear life. “I was… actually scared, you know. But when I saw you through the door, it made me feel better. Even though you really should have saved me first!” The woman using me as a makeshift mattress pulled on my hair just hard enough to get me to wince.

“Ralee, I really am sorry. I was terrified that something bad was going to happen and I just lost my head for a bit. I don’t know what I would have done if you’d actually gotten hurt… I love you.” Alright, so that just slipped out. Here’s hoping she’d forget all about that in our fear-drunken stupor.

I felt Ralee hum into my shoulder before looking up with a grin the Cheshire cat would envy. “Oooooh, you love me, hmmm. Talk about leverage.” Goddamnit, of course she wouldn’t just leave it alone. My heart was crashing against my ribcage at a million miles a minute and I didn’t need a mirror to know I was tomato red. As the seconds passed, her playful smirk lightened into a sweet smile before she pulled herself up to my face and pressed her forehead against mine. “Stop freaking out already. I love you too, as if it wasn’t painfully obvious already.”

The two of us shared a kiss in probably the least romantic location on planet Earth. We were tired, exhausted, emotionally drained, and honestly… pretty hungry, but we stayed on the decrepit lawn for a wonderful hour, basking in the warmth and love only each other could provide. This was only the beginning, of course. There’d be many more cases and a ton of tender moments like this to come. As I sat in that field, holding the woman I loved, her words from earlier rang truer than anything else in this world. There really was nothing to worry about as long as we were together.

-The End

***

Gagging on nothing but the saccharine scene I’d just had to write, I rolled my eyes at the final chapter I’d ever publish of Leona’s story. Good lord, I hated writing romantic scenes… it always felt so forced, so perfect in a condescending ‘you’ll never experience this yourself so you might as well enjoy this’ sort of way. It always left a bad taste in my mouth.

“Leon! Put your damn phone away, the big boss is gonna be here any minute. If you’re slacking off, I’m going to get in trouble.” Well yeah, because the district manager, Sasha, actually liked me. I didn’t brown nose to the point of annoyance like some ladder climbing people around here. Oh well, guess I didn’t have much else to do since I’d finally gotten to the end of Leona’s outline. It wouldn’t be long before she finished up with mine, as well. “Anyway, you got seated in the small room, just go greet the guest.”

“Sir, yes, sir!” I saluted dutifully at the merciless dictator who I knew would love nothing more than to fire my smart-talking ass. Must suck to be so desperately understaffed. Getting up from my seat, I slowly walked over to the small room. One aspect of this restaurant that I legitimately loved, was the way it always had classical music playing in the background. As I rounded the corner to greet my customer, the third movement of Appasionata started up on the speakers overhead.

“Great song.” I had said, hearing someone else simultaneously verbalize the same sentiment from below. When I looked down, I saw a young woman wearing our local University’s sweatshirt and a huge pair of coke-bottle glasses. She looked up at me with a smile so sweet I thought my foot would fall off on the spot. “Jinx!” She cheerfully declared. “Guess my first drink is on you.”

The young woman had long, curly brown hair and an entire library of textbooks set up around her table. She happily swayed to the music and hummed along with Beethoven’s manic notes. She was cute, yes, I wouldn’t deny that… but there were a lot of cute people in this world. There weren’t, however, an abundance of cute people who showed up out of the blue with a beat-up and worn-down notebook emblazoned with that evergreen fairy tale phrase: Happily Ever After.

Leona… that off-script busybody. I hadn’t said a damn thing about getting set up in my outline. Relationships and the like were not in any way a priority for me. I was perfectly content to spend my days enjoying a peaceful quiet solitude away from any and all drama. “I was just joking Mr. Scowl. I know you’re probably not allowed to give anything away for free. No need to get all flustered.”

I WAS NOT FLUSTERED! Come on, Leon, pull yourself together. Just follow your usual server script and get out of dodge. “Alrighty then, ma’am, what can I get for you?”

“How about a seven and seven for now, and maybe later you could give me seven more numbers I might find useful.” The woman winked before turning her attention back to her reading and leaving me tongue-tied like a damn fool. Fine, I knew when to admit defeat. If this was my ultimate fate I’d take it like a man and face whatever twisted amalgamation of my dream life this would become. Damn hopeless romantic… I hope you’re so fucking proud of yourself.

-The End

***

And I was. Come on, it wouldn’t be me if I couldn’t inject a bit of romance into Leon’s drab and dry wishlist. I’m sure he’d thank me later… eventually… maybe. With that settled, I was at a loss. Ralee and I only really went on cases when there was something interesting going on in town and hadn’t had an excursion in a while. I’m sure it was just a matter of time… but until then I needed something to do. Writing had become something of an integral part of my life. A way to work off stress while making something I could revisit time and again to enjoy. Now that the outline had been fulfilled, Leon’s story was off-limits. Those were the rules and I wasn’t about to piss off the dude who had just as much sway over my life as I had over his.

Guess that meant it was time to come up with something fresh, something new. I’d been meaning to dabble into something more fantastic. Maybe I could do a story about a witch… or, like, a dark mage! Yeah, she’d be all dour and cynical but then she’d fall for this overly peppy classmate at her magic academy. Obviously, this sort of thing had been done before… but really, everything had. Cool. Ideas were forming and I was starting to envision what this odd couple would look like… now to think up some names.

A harsh pounding from my front door interrupted my brainstorming session. Huh, that’s weird. I thought Ralee had classes until the evening. As I opened the door, my jaw fell to the floor. “There’s no fucking way.” A scary-looking goth woman with long black hair and a scowl that could kill glared at me while a red-haired woman behind her waved excitedly with a glowing smile plastered on her face. This wasn’t possible. It just wasn’t. “Are you…”

The woman in front grabbed me by the collar and pulled me close until she was whispering in my ear. “Don’t you fucking dare.” She then let go of me and the two women turned around and left without another word.

…

You know what? Knitting seemed like a really cool hobby to take up.