DetectiveRed

Huge self hate warning, internalised transphobia, all that fun stuff. Things are gonna hit their most distressing next chapter and start getting better from there. Enjoy and let me know what you think.

I would never escape being Justin. I'd been so excited when I looked in the mirror. My reflection was gorgeous, I looked like a girl, like an Angie. My blonde hair was brushed and soft. My eyes, which I’d always hated for giving away how empty I felt, suddenly seemed vibrant, like I was a girl enjoying her life. The parts about me that I couldn’t stand, like the dark bags and the stubble, were completely gone. I looked like any other teenage girl. 

But it was a lie. 

I would never escape from being Justin. I would never escape from people seeing who I really was. Not by becoming the Gold Ranger, not by being turned into a girl. I would always change back, I'd take off the suit, and in a couple of hours, I would go back to being Justin. Annoying, ugly, Justin.

The floor was cold but comfortable. It was childish, curling up on the floor and crying, but it wasn't like it mattered in the end. I was a freak. A child throwing a tantrum because he didn’t get what he wanted. If it weren’t for that stupid drink, I would have been fine being a guy for the rest of my life. So why did I enjoy this? Why did being a girl feel so good? The others were all suffering and here I was, wishing it would never end because I was happy. Because I was getting a break from being me.

"Angelica?" Her voice was hoarse and masculine, but it was still Joanne's. "Where are you?"

I wanted to reach out. I wanted to tell her I was there. But instead, I stayed silent on the storage room floor. She didn’t need to see how pathetic I looked now. 

"Angie, is that you?" She must have heard my whimpering. "I'm opening the door."

I didn't want her to see me. My hair was messed up and I still hadn't stopped crying. I must have looked ridiculous, crying while the others were dealing with dysphoria.

"Shit, Goldie, I'm so sorry."

"Call me Justin," I sobbed. I wasn't going to pretend any more. There was no point in deluding myself.

"I'm so sorry."

"What for? You didn't do anything wrong, Joanne. I'm the one that keeps trying to be someone I'm not."

"Angelica…"

"It's Justin!" I screamed. It was shrill, scared, and pleading. Why did I have to be so pathetic?

"You don't want to be Justin, do you?"

"Does it matter what I want?" 

"Yes, it matters!"

"No, it doesn't! Even if I got to live this entire day as Angelica, I'd go back to being him in the end." I wanted my body to change back. Everything felt right for the first time in my life and in a couple of hours, it would be gone. I just wanted to move on, and wish to be reborn as a girl in my next life.

"Astrus said Clay is likely going to keep the changes to their body. Maybe you'll get to as well."

"I'm not trans. Clay is. That's the difference. I didn't want this. I would have been fine if this hadn’t happened.”

"Angelica."

"Please stop calling me that. You were right, I'm Justin." I could feel my hair sticking to the tears streaming down my face. 

"Angelica, what would you do if you got to stay like that?" What kind of question was that? How was I meant to respond without sounding creepy?

"I don't know, probably cry? Buy some new clothes maybe."

 "Then how about we go clothes shopping after this is done, as a group of girls. We'll bring Stella. It'll be a girls day out." It sounded so nice. So perfect. So unobtainable.

"Stop, Joanne. I know you're trying to help, but I'm gonna go back to being him, and there is nothing anyone can do."

The PA system behind us crackled. Astrus must have learned something. 

"Rangers, report to the meeting room immediately."

I looked at Joanne once more and then walked out. Maybe Astrus could change me back to normal now, instead of making us all wait.

------

I'd broken her. That was all I could think as she walked away. She flashed me a sad smile and then left. That smile was so familiar: it was the only smile she ever used to wear. I was just too stupid to realise how hopeless it was. I wanted her to smile. I wanted to bring back the light in her eyes, but how could I? When I was the one that extinguished it. 

“Joanne, we need you in the meeting room,” Astrus said over the PA. How was I already late?

Everything was quiet in the meeting room. Blain was still comforting Alex, who was catatonic. Stella was sitting with Clay, as Clay tried their best to make her feel better, and Angelica was standing in the corner. I wanted to go up to her and see if I could get her to talk more, or maybe apologise again, but there was no time before Kepler came in. 

“Ay yi yi, are all of you alright?” Kepler asked. Her little robot body had stumbled through the door after me.

“Everyone is fine physically, Kepler, but they are all pretty drained right now,” Clay explained. As the only one not currently freaking out it made sense they should be the one explaining things.

“Well, at least Astrus and I can help now. There is a way to accelerate your recovery. Astrus, you understand the Power more than I do.”

“We think that by morphing you can return to your true forms more quickly.” Astrus had appeared behind us, while we were talking to Kepler. Still dramatic in this situation. “The transformation will be similar to what you all experienced before, so I’d--”

“Gold Ranger Power!” Angie shouted. Was she trying to go back to being a guy? 

A flash of light from the corner of the room followed her call. What was she thinking? Would morphing even work for her if Clay was right?

“Angelica, are you okay?” Clay asked. I needed to stay back. Right now I was the last thing she needed to deal with.

“I’m fine.” Her voice had taken on the same monotone it used to have, but it was still as pretty as it had been earlier. “How long will it take to change back, Astrus?” 

The gold suit complimented her new body incredibly well, the gold highlights of her suit brought attention to her toned muscles and her new smaller frame looked so easy to pick up. I’d wanted to hold her before, but now I could see she could lift me with no problems. No wonder she was able to kick my ass. 

“It should have already started.”

“What do you mean?”

“If your body was going to change back, it should have started by now,” Astrus explained in the calmest voice I’d ever seen him use.

“I don’t get it,” she said. There was an attempt to keep her monotone working but the way her voice cracked betrayed her.

“You aren’t changing back,” he stated solemnly.

“No, no, no.” She was repeating that word over and over. This should have been a dream come true for her, but I’d ruined it. She was finally happy and I had to ruin it with my stupid lesbian brain and self-hatred. 

“Hey, Gold, I want you to come with me.” I’d never seen Clay be so gentle. They’d wanted me to be the one to help her. Instead, I’d made it worse. “Joanne and Kepler, get everyone to a bed so they can start recovering.” Clay shot me a glare and then ushered the mess that was Angie out of the room. 

“Is she okay?” Stella asked me.

“I hope so. Everyone, follow me to the infirmary.” I had to believe Clay could take care of her, while I got everyone back to how they should be. I wouldn’t be much use to her. “Blain, are you alright to carry Alex?”

“I can walk,” Alex muttered. 

“You and Stella need to take it easy. Blain and I are coping, but Stella still looks sick and you only stopped crying when you found out morphing would make you feel better. Actually, Kepler, do you have some beds we could put these two on?”

Alex was the first to morph. His body almost immediately started returning to its original shape. Astrus was right when he said the effect would start quickly. It would still take a bit of time for him to fully change back, but it had started. It was a good thing we’d had him lay down, since as soon as he morphed he passed out. 

“Stella, Blain, you two are next. Lay down.”

“Aren’t you going to change as well?” Stella asked. 

“I want to make sure you three are okay. I’ll morph when y’all wake up okay?” I tried to give her a reassuring smile before she went under. If she was even slightly worried, she’d wait, and I couldn’t have that. Not when what I was doing was incredibly stupid. 

Maybe it was the guilt of making Angelica cry like that, or maybe I wanted to understand how she and Clay felt. I was going to stay like this for a while, just a couple of hours until Angelica felt better at least. I sat down on one of the chairs in the infirmary. I was just going to wait it out.

Then the alarm rang.