“What do you mean there is no way to get my old body back?” I asked.

“Trying to drink it could have destroyed you.” Astrus responded.

“It didn’t do that to the others!” I yelled at him. I needed to yell at something. Or someone. I'd already stomped the monster that did this and I was still so angry, and sad, and exhausted and it was overwhelming. I'm not meant to feel anything this strong let alone multiple conflicting emotions screaming different things.

“They did not take two doses. Their bodies just rejected it. Yours accepted it. Your body recognised it was safe even though it was putting your body under significant stress trying to resist it. Do you understand?"

"I didn't want this."

"It unfortunately does not matter. Your body did. You cannot reverse the transformation by drinking more Clownfish Orange. Even if it succeeded at making you more masculine, it is very likely it would not last or return your old form."

Clay looked at me. I wanted them to back me up, but the concerned look on their face told me they wouldn't. I needed anyone on my side right now, but everyone but Joanne was unconscious. 

“Why do you even want to go back?” they asked. 

Why did I want to go back? Maybe I didn’t want to go back to being a guy, but that doesn't mean anything. Going back was the easiest option. No one would be mad at me for wanting to go back. Everyone would understand not wanting to be trapped as the opposite gender, but staying like this would inevitably lead to questions. I had already gotten a taste of that earlier, no one would believe this is innocent. No matter how much I liked being in this body or being Angie. It just wasn’t me. It couldn’t be me.

“I need to, Clay. I’m not like you. I don’t have an answer for why I’m like this,” I said. No one had told me why I was stuck like this and everyone seemed to be avoiding telling me. 

“What do you mean you’re not like me, Angie?”

“I’m not trans! I’m just a guy!” A boring, annoying, ugly, guy. 

“Do you like being a guy?”

“I mean, no. But who does? I’m a guy. I’ve been a guy my entire life.”

“Alex and Blain seemed to prefer being guys. Did you even see Alex? He was crying.”

“Angie, do you want to be a guy?

“I want to go back.” I said as sternly as this new voice could muster. 

“But do you want to be a man?” I winced. No. Of course I didn't. Who would want to throw this away? 

“I want to go back.”

“You haven’t said you want to be a guy, or even that you like being a boy.” It was starting to get to me just how insistent they were on getting me to say it. I needed to talk to someone who would maybe listen. 

“Where’s Joanne?” I asked.

“Ange--”

“My name is Justin. Astrus, Clay, where is she? She’s the team leader she’ll help.”

“Justin,” Clay started. I winced again. I needed to go back to how I was, then I could forget about all of this. “She can’t help you anymore than we can.”

“Well at least she’ll do more than try to convince me that I should just be okay with this.” I’d never heard myself be angry. Heck, I couldn’t remember the last time I had been truly angry. It had been a while since I had felt anything this intensely. Just another reason I had to go back to normal.

“I’ll get Kepler to analyse the transformation medication, maybe he can find a way to return you to normal.” 

“Astrus, we can’t enable this. She’s hurting herself.”

“I'm a he!” I shouted. 

“Go talk to Joanne,” Astrus said.

“I will.”

------------------------------

The transformation back to normal was setting in. I could feel my head starting to feel lighter. Kepler had escorted me to the infirmary after the battle was done, but I wasn’t going to pass out. Not until I knew Goldie was okay. The more I thought about the situation the more it started to make sense. Clay was right. I was fighting like she usually did. It was like she couldn’t get her brain to talk to her muscles fast enough. That’s what it had felt like earlier.

Everyone’s bodies seemed to be returning to normal around me. I tried to remember what normalcy felt like. What having my real body felt like, but I couldn’t. It had been less than a day and I didn’t know what being without this dysphoria felt like. Had she seriously survived feeling like this her entire life. 

The echo of footsteps came down the hall, hopefully there would be good news. Hopefully, Angie had been able to realise she’s allowed to be happy, and I could apologise properly when we were both in our right bodies. The echo got louder, and more stompy, whoever was coming was close. I just hoped it was good news.

“Joanne, can we talk about earlier.” Angie said. Her eyes were red, and her hair was a mess. That didn’t seem promising. I just hoped I had five minutes before the loopiness kicked in. 

“Do you want to take me up on the clothes shopping idea?” I joked, I needed to keep things lighthearted. Not my strong suit but I had to manage. If I could get her to smile, that happy, beaming smile, everything would be okay.

“What? No!”

“Why not? You’d look really cute in a dress.” This was easier than I thought. I caught a hint of a blush on her cheeks.

“I need to go back to being a guy.” I had really failed as a friend. I just had to keep talking. “Astrus and Clay keep telling me to just be okay with it, but how can I? I’m Justin, I’ve always been Justin.”

“Wait, wait, wait, weren’t you worried about turning back? You seemed so happy earlier.” Come on Joanne, deep breaths, act like you don’t know that she is likely trans. Like you don’t know you are the reason for all of this doubt.

“Well yeah, but it doesn’t matter. I just wanted to not be Justin. I wanted to be Angie, but even like this, I’m Justin. I’ll always be Justin.” I wanted to hug her. I wanted to apologise to her for hurting her. 

“So, what is Angie like? What makes her different from the person sitting in front of me?” I needed to keep calm

“Well Angie’s a girl for starters and Clay said that if I was a guy before, that wouldn’t change.”

“They were assuming you are like us.”

“What do you mean?”

“They thought you would react like Alex or Blain. But you aren’t like them. I’m not an expert. But are you sure you were a guy before.”

“You said it yourself. I’m Justin, I’m not your type. I’m a guy.”

“Well you sure seem like my type.” I said, loudly, before realising that maybe my filter was gone.

“I-- what? No! I’m just--” she squeaked in a panicked state.

“I mean, you look like a cute girl. And you aren't even trying. You are acting the same and even if you went back to your old body, I’m not sure I could think of you as a guy after how happy you seemed before I yelled.” No filter, just confessing guilt no biggy. I could keep my brain from getting too gay. 

“I’m not a girl.”

“Do you want to be a guy?”

“No! Why does everyone keep asking me that?” 

“Because you don’t have to be a guy if you don’t want to be. That’s like all there is to it. I think. I’m not a trans expert. You can be a girl, none of us will judge you.” I wanted to tell her everything was going to be fine, and maybe kiss her a little bit. Maybe. Was that too fast?

“I only want to be a girl so I’m not him anymore!” 

“I mean, Angie and him are the same. You are the same. You didn’t stop being yourself when you changed your name.” I was doing great, and I was keeping my gay in check. I was amazing at this

"Then why did you call me Justin?" She asked. Oh. Maybe I wasn't doing as well as I thought.

"Because I was trying to remember that the cutiepie in front of me was my friend," I booped her on her little nose. "Sorry, Angie."

My eyes started to drift close.

“Are you okay, Joanne?” The distress on her face seemed to melt away, her eyes were the same kind ones from when I thought she was an angel. Concern, I think that’s the emotion.

“I’m fine, just trying to stop myself from going back to normal is all.”

“Why are you starting to change back if you don’t want to? Do you want me to call you by he or him?” Aww she was concerned.

“No, no, no, I wanted to know how it felt to have this dysphoria thing? How do you live like this? My whole body feels gross. I’m way too big and my voice is awful.”

“What do you mean? I don’t have dysphoria.” A slip up, damn it.

“You don’t like having a masculine body, right? And you don’t like your voice, and you seem happy as a girl? I think you are trans. Like you used to think you were a boy but are now a girl? I’m not meant to be explaining this.”

Her eyes seemed to convey so much in so little time, panic, concern, panic, more concern and a dash of panic. I might not have been the best person to sort this out. Especially not with how I felt.

“What do you mean?” her voice was shaking. 

“It means, my pretty Angel, that you’re allowed to be a girl.”

“But I’m not a girl. I just want to be one.”

“Angel, I don’t like to question someone's identity, but you looked so happy to be called Angie, and to be treated like a girl, and your eyes, they are so pretty when you are happy. Do what makes you happy. Whether it be going back or staying as a cutie. As long as I get to see that look in your eyes again." If I didn't shut up soon, I would probably propose to her. It was sleepy time now.

“But--”

“No buts, talk when I wake up, Angel.”

-----------------------------------

I knew she wasn’t going to wake up for a while. Why did she have to make me feel so good? Why did she compliment me so much? Why wasn’t she repulsed anymore? I needed to ask her.

“Angelica, come to the control room,” Astrus’ voice boomed. 

I wanted to argue, but hearing that name still made me feel giddy. Was it okay to let myself feel that? There was still too much going on to decide on what I wanted to do. Joanne had somehow made me less angry and more confused. She kept acting like there was a choice, but whether I stayed like this wasn’t up to me. It was up to whether Kepler found an antidote. Whether I wanted to change back couldn't be a part of this equation. 

I walked into the control room. Clay sat next to the hologram, who was stoic, as usual. 

“Joanne’s asleep,” I stated, trying to pull out the same old monotone.

“Good, she needed to change back or she was going to hurt herself,” Kepler said, “I’m going to check on her. Make sure her vitals are fine.”

“Thank you, Kepler.”

“So before we get into the big news what did you and Joanne talk about?” Clay asked. It was best if I didn’t show the doubt I was feeling about going back. I needed everyone to know that I was still me.

“She asked how I live with dysphoria. I told her I don’t get dysphoria.”

“Oh for the love of the Power.”

“She also said I was probably trans.”

“And do you agree?”

“No. What? I don't know”

“You got so panicked about being lumped in with the guys you quit playing basketball today. You wore a mask for the first weeks we knew you so we didn’t see the face that no one finds scary but you, and you said your new body was an upgrade? How do you not get it yet?” They sounded exhausted. Like they were dealing with an idiot. I was getting a lecture about my own identity and they were the one feeling exhausted. 

“Just because I don’t like being a guy, doesn’t mean I’m a girl.”

“You know what, fine. I’ll see if Joanne can get through to you when she wakes up. Astrus, explain to her what’s going on.  

DetectiveRed

Happy New Year! Sorry about the lack of updates, I have been spending time with loved ones while I could.