DetectiveRed

Everything for this story is written. Ill probably do some heavy revisions though. I axed the original ending. There's probably 4 more chapters left and maybe an epilogue. Enjoy and I'm sorry it's taken so long.

“The government is going to help me get used to being a girl? Why did you rope the government into this?”

I was livid. There were so many emotions I was learning about. Angry. Annoyed. Livid. All because Dysphorus did this to me. These feelings weren’t mine. Being happy wasn’t me. He changed who I am and despite him being the enemy, I was told to accept it.

“Do you think you’re the only one being affected by this?” Clay asked. “We weren’t the only ones who drank that stuff. There are soda machines all over the town. There are still cans out there."

“Precisely, Clay.”

“There are people like you out there who are stuck and still don’t know why they are stuck. You at least know.” Clay kept talking. Why were they acting like that made things better? 

“How many other people have had their lives destroyed by this, Astrus? How many people are now stuck in a body they didn’t ask for?”

“The cause of some people staying in their new form will not be released to the public. No one will know why you stayed a girl unless you want to tell them, Angelica.”

“And what if I don’t want to stay in this form,” I asked. "What if I don't want to be a girl?”

“No one was forcing you to be one earlier, Angelica.” They emphasised that name like it was a gotcha. Like enjoying being a girl meant I should be okay with this. 

“Can you stop mocking me?  Maybe it’s because you knew what you wanted, or because your changes aren’t as drastic, but Dysphorus took away my life." My voice strained as I tried to get the words out. Why was I crying again?

Astrus cleared his holographic throat. “Kepler and I will keep searching for a way to change you back. There should be an antidote. While we try to organise it. You and your family will be given the resources to help you hide and even help you transition back if that is what you want.” 

Knowing that I could transition back didn't make me feel any better. My old body wasn’t coming back. Testosterone couldn’t make me grow six inches. It couldn’t hide these changes from my mum or the world. Hiding was a lie.

“Even if I did, Justin is gone."

"I'm sorry." Clay said. "Astrus how did you organize this?"

“I have contacts. I’m not going to let Dysphorus cause harm to anyone on this planet, especially not my rangers.”

“I want to go back.” I sobbed.

“It’s late, Goldie, I’m sending you home. Your mother has heard about the situation. If there are any issues contact me. I’ll call you when everyone wakes up and keep you informed of more options as they arise.”

Clay shuffled uncomfortably. “Before you go, I’m sorry I’ve been too full on about this. Just think about if you would want to go back, and don’t try anything stupid.”

I opened my mouth to argue. I wanted to stay with Joanne and the others. I needed to be kept up to date on what Kepler found out, but the golden light had swallowed me before I could get a word out. 

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“Is there an antidote to this stuff, Astrus?”

“I don’t know, Clay. All I can do is help her realise what she wants.”

“Are her parents going to recognise her?”

“Her family has been informed. I kept an eye on as many people as I could. Anyone who transformed without an issue has been contacted.”

“Convenient.”

“Hardly. It’s my responsibility.”

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It was dark outside. What time was it now? Nine? Ten? How was mum going to react to a girl she's never met appearing on her doorstep? Was she worried about Justin? Would she even care if her son was gone? It wasn’t like he was a very good one anyway. Disappearing into the night seemed like a better idea than knocking. There had to be a way to hide. Maybe I could try messaging the command centre. They have beds and food there. That should be fine. I pressed call button.

Silence.

Why did I have to do this alone? 

I knocked on the door and braced myself for the worst. There was a rush of footsteps coming from behind the door. Was I going to get yelled at? Left out in the cold if she didn’t recognise me? Or worse, left out even if she did? The door opened.

“Justin, is that you?” Her face resembled the one in the mirror that had made me so happy. She looked exhausted.

I nodded silently. It was embarrassing being seen like this. I was hyper-aware of how oversized my clothes were, and how much shorter I was. I was slightly below eye-level with her. My old body towered over her but now I had to tilt my head up. It was like being a kid again. A kid that was shaking and cold and scared she was going to get abandoned. 

“Oh, thank goodness you’re safe. Get inside you’ll catch a cold.”

The house was warm and the TV was loud. I could smell what must have been dinner, but I wasn’t interested. Despite not eating all day I wasn’t hungry. Everything was comfortable. Why were things so normal? When was she going to yell, or be embarrassed, or ask something uncomfortable? Why haven’t I been scolded?

“Are you hurt?”

I shook my head, still not quite ready to open my mouth.

“Are you feeling okay? I was told this might happen but, wow. I didn’t expect this.” She was dissecting me with her eyes. Maybe trying to find something, anything that resembled her son. 

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“Justin, you are not fine, I’m your mother, I know that much.”  I flinched. “You haven’t been fine for a while. You need to tell me what’s going on.” My lip started quivering. I was so ready to be yelled at or to be insulted or anything. This was worse.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Mum.” My eyes stung. I needed to stop myself from crying but I wasn’t sure how long I could manage it.

“It’s okay for a boy to cry sweetheart, even if he looks like you.” I didn’t want to be a boy. That was what this was all about. That’s why I was stuck like this.

“I'm tired, Mum…"

"It's okay, Justin." I’d failed at not crying. Mum needed to believe I was fine.

“It’s not that bad. I’ll be fine. I just need to be left alone is all.” I said through sobs.

“Come here, honey.” She reached out and pulled me into a hug. I hadn’t had a hug in so long. I sobbed into Mum’s shoulder. Was this normal? It always seemed like something that only happened in movies. “It’s okay that you’re not okay.”

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re not. We have the money now to get you some help. Whether you want to stay like you are right now, or if you want to try and go back to how you were. We can do it.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Taking care of my child isn’t a burden.”

“I’m sorry.” It was all I could think to say. I couldn’t stop crying. Why couldn’t I stop crying?

“I’m just glad you’re safe. Now, do you still want me to call you Justin?”

-----------

“What do you mean ‘no more training’, Astrus?” I asked. 

“Exactly that, Joanne. No more training, or saving the world until I give the word.”

I’d been awake for an hour and already outrageous things were being said. Everyone else (sans Angie) was staring at me.

“But who will protect the world?” Were we meant to abandon the town because we weren’t feeling well?

“That’s my problem, all of you need to rest,”

“How long for?”

“Until Gold is ready.” 

“Is she okay?” After what I’d said before passing out, I hoped she was. She didn’t need to be freaking out about me crushing on her when she was still trying to navigate her identity

“She’s at home with her mother. She is safe.”

“Is her mother treating her right?”

“She is.”

“Then we'll talk about this no training thing later. We’ll have a meeting tomorrow.”

“Look Joanne, I have been dealing with my body changes and trying to manage everyone. I’m not sure how up to a meeting I will be tomorrow. I’ll see you if I see you.” Clay said. That was fine, they’d earned a break.

“Alex is gonna need some time, as well. Tomorrow isn’t going to work. Can you just fill us in later?” Blain added. Maybe we did need a break, but I wasn’t going to rest until Gold was okay.

“Stella, what about you?”

“Sorry, Joanne I’m pooped. I can try to talk to Angie when she gets back, but hopefully, she’ll be feeling better before that.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you all when we next get the chance. Goodnight, please rest well.”

Colourful lights clouded my vision, and I was alone with a disappointed looking hologram.

“You did well leading from the sidelines Joanne,” he said. I could feel the ‘but’ coming. 

“Thanks, Astrus.”

“But,” There it was, the start of a lecture. “That doesn’t mean you can jeopardize your well-being to satisfy your guilt.”

“Excuse me? How was I meant to pass out while my teammates were fighting a monster when there was no one to keep guard? I’m the leader!” A lecture about being better, and not hurting my teammates was something I could handle. That made sense. A lecture about being too worried was not something I could take.

“Joanne, please. Do you remember what I said about fragile people and them being more willing to sacrifice themselves, or do something reckless? What you did today, refusing to transform back when it was safe to do so was a poor tactical decision that you made because you were fragile.”

“Fragile? What are you talking about? Me being conscious helped them defeat that Gender Vendor thing.”

“It worked, that doesn’t mean it was the right decision. Your team knew there would be a fight, but the others transformed back because it meant they might be able to fight when they woke up.”

“They didn’t wake up until after! If I had gone to sleep with the rest of them--”

“You didn’t know that!” Astrus yelled.

I stood there shocked. Astrus was always so calm, and kind. I couldn’t tell what kind of yell it was. Whether it was scared or angry. I’d never seen him make that expression and I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. 

“If he’d waited another hour you could have had your whole team there. We didn’t know when he was going to attack, or how long Gender Vendor was going to keep distributing his drinks. I can step in as a sideline leader, but I can’t be a ranger on the field.”

“But it didn’t happen like that. He came early and--”

“And you didn’t know that would happen. I need you to promise me you’ll take this rest period seriously. No training, no fighting. I need you to be safe, and I need you to have a clear head. Guilt isn’t productive. All you can do is move forward. Goodnight Joanne.”

A red light enveloped me and I was outside my house. The lights were on. Shouldn’t dad be at work? I knocked and hoped that someone had just left the lights on.