After Rokshu left, I took a deep breath, trying to calm my rapidly thumping heart.

My memories felt haywire, almost as if I was lucid-dreaming and trying to reconcile two different realities at once. I wasn't really disturbed by the fact that I had six furry puppies suckling from small teats(?) on my stomach, but should I have been? Was that abnormal? I have babies? My brain seemed to process the extra tail and ears on my body as perfectly ordinary, but the human mind is awfully receptive of bizarre ideas while dreaming.

Was my name Sasha or... or...

...What was my old name again?

I couldn't even remember.

It was on the tip of my tongue, but it eluded me like a fading midsummer dream that was rapidly slipping from my memories.

I didn't even know who I was anymore.

I knew that I came from another universe... and I liked books... and mushrooms...

...Weird flashes of robotic arms and giant mechanical worms that drilled deep into the earth, continuously digging tunnels... my sister teasing me because I'm too dumb to perform Taylor series expansions inside my head without scratch paper...

I was losing my mind.

+ + +

Loka whimpered at me, and I was suddenly sucked away from my distracted reverie.

I looked down at my lap.

The little gray pup looked concerned, as if she sensed my anxiety despite her blindness. She had finished feeding several minutes ago, but now she seemed confused and alarmed by my restlessness. In all likelihood, Loka probably realized that I was somehow strange. Obviously, my present self was different from the 'me' of yesterday, and this little pup picked up on it faster than the others.

Loka was the eldest of the litter, but she was quiet and unusually passive. Accordingly, she was quite perceptive.

Typically, the first-born had a stereotype for being the most aggressive of the bunch, but somehow Loka managed to exit the womb first despite her reserved personality. Of course, she was barely a few days old and still blind, so it was definitely too early to settle on her character, but any good parent was bound to notice the unique quirks that arose in each child. 

I didn't know why I automatically knew so many little details about my children.

Perhaps 'Sasha' — or me? — was a very attentive parent.

I felt guilty all of a sudden.

"I'm sorry, Loka."

I hugged the eldest furball to my chest.

"I have no idea what I'm doing... so I'm probably not a very good mom."

A tight knot formed in my chest, and it ached heavily.

What had happened to 'Sasha', their real mother? Did the memories just disappear?

Unlike me, this 'Sasha' sounded very capable and strong. She was the shaman for a tribe of giant wolves, and she was probably incredibly wise, mature, and talented with lots of magical powers. Everyone in the pack respected her, she was confident, and was probably going to raise six children while simultaneously breezing through her day job like a superwoman.

It was the complete opposite of me.

I was just a stay-at-home failure who cultivated mushrooms in a closet...

I felt bad for the pups for ending up with a totally useless person like me.

I was pretty sure that my current self was an imposter.

Even so, Loka licked my arms softly and snuggled against my chest. It was almost like all worries had somehow flown out of her mind, as if she had already dismissed the fact her 'mother' was behaving somewhat weirdly. Was it really such a minor detail in her mind? Somehow, I felt bothered by the fact that they were so accepting of a total fake.

Her siblings soon followed suit, with each of them pressing against my body for heat after finishing their breakfast. 

Perhaps they didn't care as long as I was a warm body that produced milk......

Or maybe they were too young to understand.

I hugged them all hesitantly.

"I'll try to bring the real 'Sasha' back..." I whispered. "Until then, I'm sorry that you're stuck with me."

∎

minacia

The short chapters continue~

I think I've finally settled on a tone for a protagonist (as you can tell, she's the extremely insecure type, which I think might been an interesting combination with a variety of other things~). This story is largely unplanned (aside from the general direction), so a lot of these things are arising spontaneously for sure!