"I still don't understand why you kept it to yourself all this time," Claire said quietly. "I get what you said about mom, but it's been almost a year now since she left."

The conversation had been on hold for most of the afternoon. We got into town, got to the hotel and checked in, the two of us got settled into our rooms and everything. Now we were out at a local restaurant. Claire and I were seated in a quiet booth in the corner, and she was ready to carry on with this topic. I wasn't so eager.

"I guess there's a few reasons," I sighed. "Inertia is a big one? Easier not to rock the boat, just stick with the status-quo."

She frowned at me as she listened.

I sighed again then confessed one of the big ones. "And the truth is, I'm scared."

My eyes were on hers as we looked at each other across the table. I wanted to tell her more, but I also wanted to keep it positive. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her or make her feel bad or insecure.

After a few moments I took a deep breath, and said softly "Claire sweetheart, you are the bravest person I know. You're being true to yourself and doing what's right for you and that takes more guts than anything else in the world. I honestly don't think I could do it."

I hoped she'd understand what I meant and take the positive out of it. I just couldn't think of any other way to put it. The bottom line was I really did admire her. And I would always be there to stand up for her. I knew it wasn't easy for her.

Claire came out to Janice and I three years ago, when she was sixteen. Then there was another year of medical gatekeeping and foot-dragging before she got into the gender clinic and got started on hormone therapy. So she was seventeen by the time she got started on the meds. By then the wrong puberty had already done most of its damage.

Don't get me wrong, the past two years of hormone therapy have done wonders for her, but there's some things that just can't be easily erased.

In the meantime I did what I could for her. I helped her get her legal name change done as fast as we could so she had the right name on her diploma and transcripts when she graduated high-school. I gave her support and encouragement when it came to growing out her hair and changing her wardrobe. And I stood up for her everywhere I could, any time Janice or some doctor or even faculty at school tried to hold her back.

I'd never say any of this stuff to Claire, I'd never say it to anyone at all for that matter, but I knew how hard it must be for her. Even now, three years in she still had a lot of challenges. It killed me a little inside whenever I caught people staring at her like that, or worse, outright misgendering her.

And despite all her challenges, she was out there being herself every day. I honestly didn't think I had it in me to do that myself. I just wasn't that brave.

Anyways, I was nearly fifty. And now I was faced with having to find a new job. Claire hadn't had any luck getting work yet and while nobody would outright say they wouldn't hire her because she was trans, it was a pretty big red flag. It was going to be hard enough for me to find another job as it was. Throwing that ontop would pretty much guarantee I stayed unemployed.

The two of us had been watching each other quietly for the last couple minutes. She finally sighed, "I don't know about being brave. I think you're pretty brave already too. It's just... I hate to think you're going to give up on it. I know what that would do to me. I don't want that for you."

I gave her a warm smile, "I appreciate that hon. But right now, I think I need to just focus on being your dad. It's my job to look out for you, to support and protect you. Not the other way around. You don't have to worry about me. Ok? I'm fine."

We were both quiet for a few moments when the waiter brought our food. Then after he left again, Claire sighed "Ok dad. I understand and I'll try not to bug you about it. I'm still going to worry though."

"Thanks Claire," I gave her another warm smile.

As we started to eat I brought the conversation back onto the subject of our vacation. "So tomorrow's our first full day up here. What do you want to do to kick off our vacation?"

She smiled, "There's supposed to be some really scenic hiking trails along the top of the escarpment, like over by that ski resort? That sounds like a nice place to start. And maybe a good spot to enjoy all the autumn colours too?"

"Sounds like fun," I grinned. "Would you like to do the planning and plotting stuff, figure out our route and everything?"

Claire swallowed a mouthful of food and nodded "Sure. I also saw a bunch of brochures and stuff in the hotel lobby when we were checking in. When we head back after dinner we should check them out, grab everything that looks good. I'm sure there'll be lots of good ideas and stuff there."

"All right," I nodded. "Anything else you want to do? Or should we wait till we've had a look through the brochures and flyers?"

"Maybe we could spend a day just walking around checking out the town?" Claire replied. "There's a neighbourhood in the downtown area that's sort of well-known as a local arts district, I'd love to wander around there and see the local studios and stuff. And I guess just do some window-shopping and people-watching along Main Street."

Window-shopping and touring the arts district sounded like another inexpensive way to spend time. Assuming we didn't actually buy anything. I hated that I had to worry about that sort of thing now, but I'd do my best to keep quiet about it.

I just nodded, "Ok sweetheart. I remember you mentioned about the arts district back in the summer when we first started talking about coming up here."

She smiled again, and shrugged "After that, who knows? I'm sure we'll find ideas in the brochures. I'd love to do a boat tour if we can find one, but maybe that's more of a summer thing."

That sounded potentially expensive but I just smiled. "I'd imagine if there is one, it might still be running? It'd be a nice way to see the fall colours."

"Oh yeah good point," Claire grinned.

Dinner was ok and the place Claire picked wasn't too expensive. After we were both finished we drove back to the hotel, she loaded up on all the brochures and things, and we headed up to our rooms.

The hotel wasn't anything special, it was reasonably-priced and wasn't in a very scenic part of the town. But we weren't here for the hotel, it was just a place to sleep and there was a complimentary breakfast buffet. Our rooms were a pair of singles on the second floor, next door to each other.

As we got to our doors Claire asked, "Do you want to hang out and talk some more?"

"Actually I think I'm going to make it an early night, if that's ok with you?"

It wasn't that long a drive getting up here, but most of our conversations so far had been pretty difficult. The emotions and the stress were starting to get to me and I really just wanted to relax for a while. I had a book I could read, or even just find something on TV for a while so I could stop thinking and stressing.

"Ok dad," she gave me a hug, "Good night. See you in the morning."

I smiled and hugged her back, "Good night Claire."

• • • • •

"So I'm super curious, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I hope you'll tell me." Claire glanced at me as we walked along the trail. "Why 'Clover'?"

I was blushing again as we walked, but I didn't answer right away. It wasn't that I didn't know, but I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to tell her those stories.

We'd got an early start to the day, had breakfast at the hotel, then Claire did the navigating while I drove. We got to the spot by half past nine, and now we were out hiking along a scenic trail above the escarpment at the top of the ski hill. The views were impressive, we had lots of trees around in all their autumn colours, and since it was still early on a weekday morning we almost had the place to ourselves.

And instead of just walking and enjoying the views, she was still going on about my coming out to her yesterday in the car.

"Don't get me wrong," Claire added when I hadn't responded after a few seconds. "It's a nice name. It's kind of unique, different. Like I haven't come across anyone else calling herself Clover. That's why I'm curious. Why'd you pick that, what's it mean to you?"

I grimaced slightly and finally replied "It's something people used to say about me when I was your age. Even a bit younger actually. Friends used to say I was good luck? When they hung out with me, they'd all have good luck."

Claire glanced at me with a curious look and teased, "So you were their lucky charm? That sounds more like a breakfast cereal."

"I was their four-leaf clover," I replied, though I was still blushing.

"Oh!" she grinned. "Right, that makes a lot more sense."

After a few moments though she frowned again. "How'd that come about? What sort of good luck did you bring people?"

Once again she wasn't going to let me off the hook so easily. I got the feeling I was going to have to tell her at least some of the stories. I took another deep breath then began.

"Ok... It started back when I was in high-school. One of my friends, a guy named Grant, he skipped a lot of classes. Any time I skipped with him, we both got away with it. Almost every time he cut classes alone, he got caught. Then a little later on, another buddy of mine named Mike? He had a car and used to drive us all to our favourite hang-outs and stuff. This one stretch of road, he got busted for speeding there three times in a row. But only on trips where I couldn't make it. He never got a single ticket when I was in the car. And another friend, James. He and I were hanging out when he had a love-at-first-sight moment with a girl. He asked her out, she said yes. He ended up marrying her, I was best-man at the wedding."

I finally shrugged, "So my friends back then all used to say I was their four-leaf-clover. I was good luck."

Claire smiled as she listened to my story. There were more examples than that, but they were the sorts of stories parents don't want their kids to know about. Most of them involved drinking and a few involved other questionable activities.

After a few seconds her smile faded and she asked, "So what happened? Did it wear off or something?"

That was the real reason I didn't want to tell her the stories at all. It was pretty clear that if I ever was a source of good luck, it had long since run out. Claire certainly hadn't benefited from any of it, especially not in the last few years.

I sighed, "Maybe I grew up? Your mom had some good luck the first few years we were married, but... I'm sorry hon."

"There's nothing to apologize for dad," she smiled and leaned against me as we continued walking. "I'm happy you told me. And like I said, it's a nice name. And I'm glad you shared it with me, and the stories behind it."

We walked a while longer in silence before she came back to an earlier question.

"So you never really answered this yesterday, but do you want me to use different pronouns for you?"

That brought my blush back. "Thanks for asking but... No. I'm not out. I don't know if I'll ever be out, to be honest. For now, this is all just between you and me ok? The name, being trans, everything."

Claire sighed, "Ok dad. You know I want you to be yourself, to have a chance to really be you. But I get that it's not the right time."

"Thanks hon," I gave her a smile then suggested "Enough of the difficult conversations for now, ok? Let's just enjoy the walk, enjoy the view? It's why we're here, right?"

"All right dad," she smiled back but I could tell she was still worried for me.

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