I've been posting three times a week every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. Now I want to capture the Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday crowd. Next update on Friday.
When the Vinleaf shamans sacrificed themselves to kill the monster called "Iah," real magic was lost to humanity. Even the art of making artifacts, which were created by the Vinleaf to help non-shamans cast magic, has been forgotten. Our only hope now is science and technology.
—Doctor Viktor Greve, opening speech, 50th Hessel Conference
Israfel
Freja stood there nodding and making encouraging noises as the doctor droned on and on about his plans.
“It’s too bad the Kraej wouldn’t agree to breed super-intelligent humans via my EL Project. They only wanted stronger and faster soldiers, preferably ones that weren’t too smart. Like your boyfriend there. Like you.”
That got a reaction. Freja jerked her head back as though she’d been slapped.
“Ah, now, now, don’t be upset. You’ll be able to play a very important part in my new and improved EL Project,” said Doctor Greve. He smoothed the lapel of his white lab coat absentmindedly.
“Me?”
“Don’t glare at me, girl. You can help me the same way your mother did,” said Doctor Greve.
“I don’t understand. You said my mother was useless,” said Freja.
“This girl is too powerful to keep alive. After I extract and freeze her ovaries, I’ll need a womb to implant the embryo in. You can serve as the children’s surrogate mother.”
“I see.”
Something in her voice must have warned him because Doctor Greve nimbly dodged the foot that tried to sweep his feet out from under him. He must be enhanced, too, because he moved faster than an old man should be able to. The doctor ran towards the door, which opened before he reached it.
Alfred “The Bloody,” Dierk Kraej’s main enforcer, appeared in the open doorway. Before I could rejoice that we were being rescued, Freja sprang at him. They exchanged blows, but I could see that Alfred was a lot more skilled at hand-to-hand combat than Freja.
Freja and most ELs were trained to fight monsters, not other people. On the other hand, Kraej’s Lifers, including Alfred, were trained to suppress dissidents.
The doctor tried to flee, but one well-placed kick from Freja broke his leg, and he went down, howling. The momentary distraction cost her, however. Alfred’s next punch floored Freja. Before she could recover, he was on her. Handcuffs and legcuffs clicked together, and she was down for the count.
“There’s no time for this,” said Alfred. “We’re leaving with the men. They’ve found your location.”
“It must’ve been this traitor,” said Doctor Greve. He spat on Freja, who glared at him, a murderous look in her eyes. “I should have known she couldn’t be trusted.”
Alfred set Doctor Greve’s leg and cast a heal spell. They exited the warehouse, leaving Freja on the floor. Outside, I could hear the tramping of boots. The rebel ELs? My enhanced senses could barely make out the sound of helicopters coming from far away.
“So, Doctor Greve is your father. Talk about the father-in-law from hell,” I said.
“Shut up,” said Freja.
She bent back until her hands reached her bootlaces. A lockpick was hidden there which she used to free herself just as people burst into the warehouse.
EL soldiers, real ones this time, flooded the room. I saw Villy, William, and others whom I knew. Most of them vanished into the other door to secure the other areas, but some of them stayed to stand guard and free me from my restraints. Moments later, medical staff entered, followed by Magnus Kraej and his Lifers.
“Sir,” said Freja to Kraej. “My apologies. He got away.”
“Doctor Greve? How did he manage that?”
“It was Alfred, just as you suspected,” said Freja.
“Let’s hope the men can find them,” said Kraej, but his tone of voice expressed his doubt.
“I know all of his hidden laboratories. He’s finished,” said Freja.
Magnus nodded then walked to the steel bed where Asteria was.
The medical staff ignored me to focus on Oren, Katja, Sofia, Ravn, and Asteria who were still unconscious.
“Are they alright?” I asked Freja.
“The tranquilizer I used is harmless,” said Freja.
She was looking at the floor again, acting quite unlike herself. Obviously, she was upset because of the scene with her father. It must have been hard acting as a double agent for the Kraej, even if her father was a real piece of work.
I put my arm around Freja’s shoulders. We leaned on the wall in a corner of the room, out of the way of the other soldiers.
“Who shot Asteria in the head?” I asked.
“Alfred. He said she was dangerous.”
“I knew you were keeping your work a secret, but I didn’t think you were involved in something like this,” I said.
“...”
That was my girl, eloquent to a fault.
“So you’re an EL. I knew it. You must be at least a B-class,” I said.
That did it. Freja shoved me off her and tried to kick me in the balls. “You condescending jerk! I’m an A-class!”
The other ELs in the room gaped at her. If I could hear them gossiping amongst themselves, so could Freja.
“I didn’t know there were EL females.”
“A-class, really?”
“I would've thought she’d go for Uriel instead of Israfel.” That was William. I made a rude gesture in his direction.
“Whoever she is, she has terrible taste in men.”
“She must like the ugly, dopey type.”
They were just envious of me. None of them had a girlfriend as beautiful and kickass as Freja.
“Babe, let’s go for dinner after this. I’m so hungry I could eat a dyr,” I said.
“Your treat,” she said.
“I hope we can find a good restaurant. Where are we, anyway?”
“Toftlund.”
But it was not to be. There was the sound of a tremendous explosion. The ground heaved and the medical staff cursed as some of their equipment fell to the floor.
A soldier came running inside, his eyes wild. “Sir! It’s Commander Sariel and… and…”
“Spit it out, man!” said Kraej.
“It’s Commander Seraph,” said the soldier.
Freja ran outside with me following closely at her heels.
I whistled when I saw the inferno of fire, wind, and ice. It was miles away but it must be enormous for it to be visible from here. Alfred and those fake EL soldiers were really in for it now.
I feel like the problem with this arc is not so much about it "coming out of nowhere" as it is the fact that, just now, it seems to have ended very quickly with very little consequence.
The build-up for it is kind of Ok-ish, and it being the Dr. who was head of the EL project fits rather well with the FF7 roots of the story, but the fact that the entire thing was settled this quick and easy without much damage being done just kind of leaves the entire thing feeling pointless and as though the story could have done just fine without this part.
Oh, dear. Thanks for the feedback.
very little consequence
So more of "unsatisfying" than "it wasn't foreshadowed"? There's still a bit left of this arc though, I hope you will be at least a little bit more satisfied when it's finished.
@LinMeili Well, by consequence I am not talking about retribution. I am talking about an effect it has on the main cast to influence them or be meaningful to them. And no, finding out that the GF is an EL doesn't count. That could have just as easily been done some other way.
Something like this is something that might be kinda Ok near the beginning of the story, then it can probably cause a trauma or some kind of lesson to be more cautious. However, I don't see it having much consequence to the party now near the end of the story.
The entirety of the issue is that Dr. Greve had his plan fall apart far too quickly. He or Alfred are going to need to demonstrate some way to pose a major threat to make the party sweat a bit in order for this little tacked on part of the story to actually have any kind of a satisfying feel to it.
Really, the issue here is... is this guy supposed to be a parallel to Ghast or Hojo? He's acting an awful lot like a less conveniently well positioned version of Hojo right now. (For people not up on FF7 lore, Ghast was the actual competent scientist, Hojo was the opportunist who took advantage of Ghast's work. Hojo was actually an idiot who played at being a scientist.)
@Jemini I'm not into making anyone into an FF7 analog. This isn't a fanfic. Dr. Greve is... Dr. Greve.
The entirety of the issue is that Dr. Greve had his plan fall apart far too quickly.
Uh, well maybe it's just my incompetence as a newbie author.
tacked on part of the story
Hey, now! I'll accept that maybe the arc is a little rushed or unsatisfying, but "tacked-on"??? Really? This part of the story can't be skipped the way Asteria skipped those cutscenes, you know! It's important that
Oren complete his mission and find his missing sibling
No way, does it really feel that way? Well, it's not for the author to say what the readers should feel, I guess.
Thanks for the input. I'll think about what you said.
@LinMeili Yeah I agree with Jemini's statement that there was little consequence with this arc, "just now, it seems to have ended very quickly with very little consequence." I feel like there is untapped potential with this arc. Such as having Asteria actually work in the foreground instead of pulling the strings. And having Asteria "punished" not due to lack of foresight, but just because the world can be unpredictable.
And Jemini made me realize one of the problems I see with your arcs(might just be my opinion and not fact). They end too suddenly some times making me feel wanting for just a bit more. It's like you gave me a great gift, but with the wrapping poorly done.
@Babooshka But this arc hasn't ended...
@LinMeili Well I thought it was, my mistake.
Because it sounded like you were saying the arc ended.
@LinMeili *looks under spoiler*
Ouch. Yeah, if that's what this is all about then this arc is really far too rushed. Doubly so.
I think a better way to handle it would have been some kind of breather between the two arcs, then maybe have Asteria attacked while she was solo and then have everyone else arrive on their own. Maybe, as Babooshka suggested, have her have to struggle on her own for a while. Then, it turns out being Oren and the gang arriving and maybe being put against the ropes when Alfred arrives. Then, the S-class crew arrives as the cavalry in order to pull their butts out of the fire.
As it feels now, it seems the situation is already wrapped up and the S-classes are just added retribution. The progression I just suggested would have paced things a bit better. Give it that nice gradual build of tensions.
Really, it is the fact that they were attacked immediately after the previous situation that makes this arc especially difficult to deal with. If you pull a stunt like that as an author, you'd better have something amazing planned. That sort of thing raises people's expectations. Then, we feel let down when it gets over so quickly. A little re-orienting to the objective you stated there would have told the readers why this arc matters and then also given a better gradual build.
Of course, take that as a suggestion. Something I think are ways to solve the problems I'm seeing here. You might come up with your own ways. As it is now though, there are issues.
@Jemini
Okay.
@Babooshka Israfel's POV in this arc ended. Anyway, Alfred and the doctor are still out there, so they need to be dealt with.
@LinMeili Yeah like Jemini stated it felt like some epic prison escape or an epic fight was going to happen. The silver lining is that this arc shows that the world is dynamic and that there are things happening outside of Asteria's influence/planning. It gives a stronger sense of suspense and anxiety to the reader knowing that even with Asteria's foresight through the game she can still be blindsided. And it also shows how much she has altered the future compared to the events of the game due to her saving the three S class ELs.
I still have something to say, but I can't articulate it so I'll try to grasp later.
Anyways I'm tired from so much analysis today. I need to rest my brain.
@Babooshka Okay, so I guess it's not all bad. I'm starting to wonder if people don't like this story anymore...
@LinMeili We're not going to drop it just because a newbie author had a little hiccup in their plotting. Well... I'm not anyway. I can't speak for everyone, but I feel someone would have to have rather thin skin to rage quit the series this deep in just because of this.
It wasn't implemented the best and it definitely breaks the tensions in a bad way, but it doesn't train-wreck the entire story or anything. Just do better next time.
@LinMeili After all that talking about writing it reminded me of this person: https://www.youtube.com/c/QuotidianWriter/videos
I like their videos on writing. Maybe you can get some helpful advice/ideas from them.
@Jemini Indeed
@LinMeili BTW: Going off the clues dropped so far, I have a theory on where Oren's sibling wound up.
Oren's long lost sibling is Saraphel. I was thinking this for a while now, this is just the first time I've said anything about it. He's literally the only person in the story who was used as a test subject from birth, so it fits.
@Jemini I agree. I think I wrote a comment about this a while ago.
@Jemini
BTW: Going off the clues dropped so far, I have a theory on where Oren's sibling wound up.
Hahahaha! But-
Of course.
@Babooshka Thanks!
@Jemini
it doesn't train-wreck the entire story or anything. Just do better next time.
Thank goodness! I'll try. I kinda bit off more than I could chew, maybe. Multiple POVs with both comedy and action, and an overpowered yet vulnerable MC... maybe make it simpler next time!
@Babooshka
I think I wrote a comment about this a while ago.
Hahaha!
Yes, but to be fair, other people were also in the EL Project as babies. They just aren't in the main cast. Freja, for example, was an early test subject and she's blonde like Oren.
@LinMeili Well I think that you just didn't realize how the reader would feel when you build something like this up and then resolve it immediately after without anything cool or amazing happening. Because this moment was the closest Asteria has been to actual danger this moment has the most tension relative to any other in the story.
@Babooshka Cool or amazing? You do know Asteria is still the same person who got wtfpwned by slimes, right?
I'm kidding! I get it and I'll try to do something better next time.
@LinMeili Lol. Okay I won't rag on you about it any longer.
@LinMeili
I kinda bit off more than I could chew, maybe. Multiple POVs with both comedy and action, and an overpowered yet vulnerable MC... maybe make it simpler next time!
I don't know how your brain works on these things, but from my perspective I think you are overthinking it if you are citing your genres as the contributing factor here. Those are actually rather easy genres to handle if you happen to have an inclination toward them (and I suspect you probably do for the simple fact that you made it your first work.)
The hard genres are psychological, sci-fi, mystery, strategy, politics and espionage. So long as you don't have one or more of those elements in your work, you shouldn't be getting any pressure from your genres. And actually, comedy is a genre that makes things easier. (Although the fact that this is the action sequence and comedy got squeezed out of it could indeed be a factor here. It might be that you are more comfortable with comedy.)
The issue here had entirely to do with plotting and how the tensions were handled. What it looks like to me is that you might have just panicked as you were thinking about a way to end the story and tie up all the loose ends. I am just going off of what I'm seeing, this is just a guess, but I am getting the feeling your thought process may have been something like you felt like with all the Lah spawn dead now that maybe people would loose interest if you didn't shove this plot point back in everyone's faces before the tensions calmed down.
This is actually a common mistake for newbie authors. You did exactly the wrong thing here, but it is understandable how you might have made this mistake. You actually see it in TV programs a lot. The directors are uncomfortable with silence and calm moments, and don't know how to handle them well. This is why the works of Miazaki are considered master works. It is because he understands how to use silence and calm moments well.
Those breaks between the action are actually important. You need to let the audience catch a breather, and you can also use those calm moments to help the audience shift gears. After all the Lah spawn were taken care of, you could have had some kind of internal monologue with Asteria talking about how her mission was all done and everything was great, she could think in her head that Oren still hasn't found his sibling but he should be able to figure it out on his own time. It doesn't really concern her anymore. And, she is looking forward to relaxing a bit. If you were concerned about her using that final spell to wipe out the virus completely, you can just have her too tired after that craziness. It's a good legitimate excuse.
Then, it's just when she's on her way home that she's suddenly cornered. Plot twist, the danger is NOT really over. There are still so many more dangerous things out there. A really interesting way to handle it might have even been having Freja approach her from the front and have a short conversation before hitting her with a dart. That can be another opportunity for exposition that would feel less rushed.
There were missed opportunities everywhere with this arc. Several ways the tensions could have been groomed a bit better. I think you just got in a rush at the end and started making mistakes. Well, now you know what to be cautious of for next time.
@Jemini Basically there must be both highs and lows. Because if there were only highs everything would be flat. Right?
@LinMeili Oh, BTW. I think you said something about publishing the 1st book of this series? Well, I would say it's a very bad idea to publish this 2nd book with this sequence as it is. This kind of thing is fine in web novels. Web novels are where you go to make mistakes and try things out. Once things are published though, this sort of thing can seriously bite you in the ass and burn you for the entire remainder of your now likely to be very short writing career.
bruh
@UnratedX
@Jemini Good writing is good writing. Some audiences may be easier to satisfy, and authors have individual preferences, but none of the genres you mentioned are inherently more difficult. Comedy makes things easier when the author thinks "this is a comedy so I don't have to take anything seriously". But more often than not, that leads to bad comedy, and a bad story. Good comedy is an artistic problem which, while quite different, is sometimes more difficult than the technical problems presented by most of the genres you mentioned.
@DayMoon Well, perhaps I should re-phrase then. The genres I mentioned are areas where intuition and general writing skills will not carry you. They are very left-brain works, but writing skills are a right-brain thing. Thus, the genres I mentioned require you to be uniformly developed on both sides of your brain. Thus, yes, they are genuinely harder.
Comedy allows you to blur the lines and break several rules typical of most other genres, which in a way makes it become a little bit of a cheat.
Also, I have noticed a lot of these audiences allow comedies to get away with a lot even if the jokes really are not landing at all. It only really takes skill to get a joke to land. If webnovel audiences tend to forgive jokes for not landing while also still giving it a pass for breaking the usually strict requirements for the other accompanying genres then, yes, adding the comedy aspect to a webnovel makes thing a lot easier.
I'm mildly confused... unless I missed and edit ordering we've known all along that the doc was still alive, doing bad things, and in a lab that Oren needed to take out. We knew the Iah spawn weren't the real threat because it's in the setup and the title. It was obvious the gf was sus in some way... This stuff isn't going to be a source of tension when the MC is going in with a prophecy telling her the state of the world and where things should have gone if the timeline didn't change.
When the MC and the other pov characters are all predefined as behind the scenes characters there isn't supposed to be much tension, the hero isn't our MC. Again, the title made that obvious... This is the misunderstandings and clean up kind of story. This is also why "protagonist is a normal observer, not the OP hero" stories are vanishingly rare, tension is proportional to involvement and being near cool fights is unhealthy for any not-the-protagonist characters.
If I'm going to complain about something, is the inconsistency of Asteria's body. She's a demigod with incredible magic powers, anima capacity and blessings, taking 10 years for her body to adjust to her awesomeness. So why are her senses those of a normal human? Why does she have no muscle strength? Why did she bother with the wand to shoot down the "helicopter" when she has direct access to magic? Why did a tranquilizer dart work on her? It's less that she's hiding her power and more that she seems to just not have it in weird omissions, even though she's supposed to be physically superior to even the EL commanders.
@kaithar The tension was supposed to be that the reader should be left wondering if something horrible is going to wind up happening to Asteria. Or, if not her, then one of the other good-guy characters. The threat of the doctor wanting to harvest her ovaries to make super babies is a pretty powerful tension point, it's something believable that we might thing the author might just drop on the story world, and it's a pretty big violation of the MC while avoiding an actual rape event.
This is a point that could have given some actual dramatic tension to the story if it was handled a little better, if it was left on a cliff hanger for a while before we cut away to the EL perspective for a while or something instead of just having it resolved in the very next second after the doctor proposed such a thing.
The issue with this chapter is 100% that the big actual tension generating threat was only allowed to hang for maybe a single paragraph in the story before it was resolved. If it was left to hang for a chapter or two, it would have really landed. If it is left hanging for as much as going until the end of the chapter, it wouldn't be so great but it would have at least not been as big of a let-down as this turned out to be.
No, the threatening situation was resolved WAY too fast and that wound up completely breaking the flow and the dramatic tension of the scene.
All that said, the author understands what the issue is. Other people were making complaints about the situation resolving fast or being a let-down, I'm just the person who helped in spelling out exactly what their complaints were about, and it was seen as such. We have already figured out what would be a good fix for this issue.
@Jemini She's a literal demigod who just survived literally headsplodie because of an automatic time reversing spell. He can threaten all he wants, it's time for popcorn if he actually had time to try it. I predict bent scalpels and a facepalming Frejya. Threatening one of the other two girls with it would be a worry but there's no particularly plausible reason for him to do so.
Like I said, this isn't really a genre you pick up expecting too much tension, it's a "how?" not a "what?"