Internet-Degenerate

Fun fact: Someday, we may be able to terraform Mars, allowing humans to be miserable on multiple planets.

Today is Sunday, April 17th. It's the greatest day of my life, and that worries me. Usually, my life is completely obedient to Murphy's Law. When I'm waiting in queue, the other one always moves faster. The probability of me dropping a slice of bread with the butter side down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet. Whenever I try to fix something, it always takes longer and costs more than I originally thought, and whenever I get a repairman to fix it, they tell me they haven't seen anything like the model I have.

Whenever something is too good to be true, then it is. Nevertheless, I have come into a fortune. Nothing went wrong. Everything went better than I could've imagined. I even got to meet and apologize to the four guards I met when I first met Sol. They were really nice and playful. They even invited me into the guard station next to the school gates and taught me how to play Texas hold'em to show that they didn't harbour any ill feelings towards me. We played a few games, and when I told them about how I won the lottery and was on the way to claim my prize, they even helped me. Since it would be hard to prove my identity without any legal documentation, one of the girls whose cousin won a prize in the lottery drove me into town and claimed it on my behalf. She even did it in my presence so that I was comfortable knowing she wasn't going to claim my prize as her own. I never knew such kind people existed. I feel terrible that we got off on the wrong foot. 

Anyway, me and the girls of the Blue Lily society were all gathered in the rec room. I sat at the piano, randomly pressing keys and making some surprisingly decent melodies. The girls sat in armchairs closest to where I was around a coffee table. 

"Speaking of which," Sol says, continuing their conversation I wasn't paying attention to. "We haven't had a formal introduction yet, Chloe. It's nice to meet you... well, not really meet. I'm Sol Rousenin. I look forward to working with you." 

"I'm Chloe Shirley. So do I." She returned the pleasantry.

"To tell you the truth, I've had my eye on you." Sol said it as if it wasn't one of the creepiest things you could say to someone you just met.

"Why?" Chloe asked curiously, as if what Sol had said wasn't one of the creepiest things you could say to someone you just met. Maybe that's just me.

"Not in an unpleasant way, of course. You're aware that I'm trying to reform the academy, aren't you?"

"Yeah..."

"Even before the Blue Lily members abandoned me, I was hoping that you might help us out because you're a final course tourist. Please don't misunderstand," Sol hurriedly says, seeing Chloe's slight melancholic expression. "It's just that perception that I want to change. That's why I wanted to seek your assistance. You're a symbol of reform just as much as Seraph is. And this isn't all about what I want. I think it would benefit you as well, Chloe?"

"What do you mean?" Chloe raises a sceptic eyebrow.

"In all honesty, Chloe, are you comfortable at Vincennes?"

"Ah..." Chloe averted her eyes and looked down at the floor. Her expression was clearly unhappy, but it seemed like she was uncomfortable admitting it. That silence said more than enough. Sol continued speaking.

"When there is a mould into which you must fit, there are two ways to go about it. The first is to change yourself to fit the mould. This is in some respects simple, but there are reasons one might hesitate to do it. And the second is to change the mould itself. That is the goal we are aiming for. And so... how do you feel? Will you join us, Chloe?"

"It's just... to be honest, I have very little interest in the mould - that is, in Vincennes itself," Chloe gave her answer. Sol, Sapphire and Painmangeur all looked let down. "I'm sorry."

"No..." Sol says. "You have nothing to apologize for. You've been here for such a short time, after all. It's only natural.

"Then... you will not become our affiliate?" Sapphire meekly asked her. 

"No, I will. I am grateful to you both," Chloe's casual statement caught Sol and Sapphire off guard. They looked a little confused. "Well, you made it possible for me to be friends with Seraph again." Chloe turned to me, her expression softening. Don't look at me like that, it's awkward.

"Ah... but that was entirely Sapphire's doing," Sol says. "Seraph disapproved at first." Was that part really necessary, Sol? Chloe's soft expression hardened. I must make my case.

"Well, shoot me, I thought it would be dangerous."

"What are you talking about?" Tabby asks me materializing out of the thin air. I jumped in my seat and felt my heart stop beating for a few seconds. 

"WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM?" I demanded to know, clutching my chest in fear. Tabby randomly appearing out of nowhere is going to be hard to get used to. Tabby ignored my question.

"You beat up over twenty gangsters and a heat-packing hoodlum. You've got nothing to worry about."

"W-wait, um, uh, n-no, but-um, I-I-I mean yeah, but uh, no," Tabby ignored my dissembling that came out in the form of incoherent stutters and mumblings and handed out newspapers to the girls. 

"Sunday's usually a print holiday. So of course, I had to print an extra."

"This is about last night?" Sol asks incredulously, looking over the paper. 

"Yep." 

"...You were with them, Tabby?"

"Of course I was!" She says, as if it were only natural. "That's Scanner dans l’Obscurité's¹'Scanner in the dark.' Tabby's title.stock and trade."

"So you were the woman at the bus stop?" I ask her, already knowing the answer. I just want validation.

"You know it," she tells me, puffing her chest out in pride. "I totally caught word that you two were going on a date before the fact."

"I-It wasn't a date," Chloe stammers.

"Sh-She's right," Sol backs up Chloe's remark.

"...Huh?" Chloe shoots a confused glance at Sol.

"...Hmm?" Sol shoots a confused glance at Chloe. Tabby nervously darted her eyes between the two, regretting her little quip.

"Well, anyway," Tabby eagerly changes the subject to anything else. "Look at this. Look at this great picture! It's super-pro."  I haven't heard that term before, but I can piece together that it means the picture was better than professional - and I'm inclined to agree. I'd go so far as to say that it should've been impossible to get such a picture without me noticing. 'Why?' I hear you ask. Because it should've LITERALLY BEEN IMPOSSIBLE! It was a full body shot combined with a high angle. You can see me walking out of the alley where I got beat up, my left hand in my pocket with the plastic bag around my wrist and my right hand zipping up my jackets collar, with my hapless victims visible on the ground behind me. It's like Tabby got up on a stool to stand above me and took the picture not even a meter away from the scene. She should've been right in front of me when taking the shot, so how did I not notice her? This picture is impossible and it pisses me off that I can't think of a way she could've taken this picture. Everything about this picture is terrifying to me.

"My, my, my..." Sapphire mutters, looking at the paper. Her eyes were shining. "How very gallant..." Gallant? What the fuck was she looking at? What is so gallant about this picture? It looks like I just beat up a bunch of innocents. "The article is very well written, too," she added.

"Of course!" Tabby says, seemingly offended. "It's not just some puff piece! It's a reflection of how truly moved I was by the whole display!" 

"What... happened exactly?" Sol hesitantly asks me. She was understandably concerned after looking at the photo. "As long as you're here, it seems that we should here it from you."

--- One 'Boring Explanation From Seraph So It Didn't Seem As Dangerous As It Really Was' Later---

"You really are impressive," Sol needlessly comments with a smile after my abridged retelling of events. "It's just like when you defended me." This prompted a response out of Chloe.

"But it's not the same, is it?" Chloe stared down Sol, who was just gently smiling at her as if to say 'what do you mean?' "W-Well..." Chloe stuttered. "It was dark, and he had a gun... and Seraph even knew that... It didn't have that feeling of danger with you, did it, Sol?" At her words, Sol's gentle smile turned stiff. She was upset.

"But... there were four or five of them with me..." Sol makes her case, since they were both fighting over this now, I guess. "And they were trained martial artists, not simply gangster hoodlums."

"How would you know they were trained martial artists... Oh, I know. You're talking about the school's Guardienne, aren't you?" Chloe called her out, crossing her arms.

"B-But Seraph didn't know that." Sol was no longer smiling. She had narrowed her eyes and glowered at Chloe, and Chloe glowered straight back. Tabby and Sapphire watched the two from the side-lines, enjoying the scene. I'm honestly surprised Tabby didn't pull a bucket of popcorn out of her ass to eat. When they figured that neither one of them would submit, Chloe turned to look at me.

"...Which one was worse?"

No. Don't.

"...I'm interested in your answer as well," Sol added.

I let out an exasperated  sigh and place my head in my hands. I'm at a complete loss. I didn't understand what they were after. No... it's more accurate to say I do know what they're after, but I don't know why. As for what they were arguing about, it was over who was more of a damsel in distress. I don't why some girls have the fantasy about being rescued by their prince charming from a precarious situation, but they do. To make things sad in this case, the prince charming in this scenario was me, the ugliest boy to have ever lived. I thought that that fact alone would be enough to deter them from competing over something so trivial. As for why... I guess they're too competitive to let even one win slip by them. As far as I could tell, Chloe hated to lose and Sol was prideful, so it seems to me that their personalities were naturally at odds.

As for which situation was worse, I really didn't give a shit. It was obvious that I had to go through a lot more with Chloe, but I became a millionaire because of it, so the situation cancels out to just being a pain to deal with. With Sol, I never was in any real danger, but I was humiliated to find out that my intervention was unneeded. It ended up landing me at this school, but my depression doubled down when I lost out on my chance of becoming a millionaire, so the situation cancels out to just being a pain to deal with. In conclusion, this entire conversation is stupid and makes me want to curl up and die.

"But... what matters is that what Seraph did was very kind," Sapphire intervened on my behalf to pull me out of this mess. "It seems irrelevant which was the greater act."

"Y-Yeah what she said." I hurriedly agree with her, but I didn't need to. Sapphire's dignified words sent the two lapsing into an awkward silence. Thank you so much, Madame Sapphire. I'll never forget this.

"Well... that is true," Sol diffidently agreed.

"Yeah..." Chloe timidly backed down. "As for what I was saying before... To be honest, I don't know much about reforming a school. But I am grateful for all of your kindness. So if you'll have me, then I'll be happy to work with you to return the favour."

"Thank you," Sol smiled. The two of them shook hands as if they weren't ready to rip each other's throats out a second ago. Everything is  fine now. I'm gonna go head back down to the guard station to play some more card games. At least... that was the plan, before Sapphire decided to execute me. With the newspaper in her hands, she sighed, a bit of colour entering her cheeks. 

"Ah, Seraph..." she says. "You are... everything I wanted my first to be." 

. . .

. . . . . .

wot?

Time stood still. Jaws dropped. Eyes widened. Try hard enough and you could hear the flapping of a butterfly's wings outside.

"WHAT?!" Sol screamed.

"YOUR FIRST?!" Chloe cried.

"YOUR FIRST WHAT?!" I asked calmly. Sapphire looked up at everyone in mild surprise. I had no earthly idea what she was talking about. 

"Oh. Have you forgotten already?" she asks, as if she didn't just drop a nuke on us. 

"Oi, Seraph! What's this all about?!" Chloe clasped her fist around my collar and made her demands. 

"I-I don't-" I tried to speak, but I can't get my thoughts in order. Sol also grasped my collar no sooner then Chloe did.

"Th-That's right, you must explain yourself!" she urged on. Off to the side, I saw Tabby proffering her microphone to Sapphire.

"Is this true?" Tabby inquires with her face flushed. "It's a little hard for me to believe."

"Yes." Sapphire simply nodded her head and smiled. 

"Wow..." Tabby let out a breath in amazement. "So, uh, h-how did it feel? Ah, I-I can turn off the recorder if you want. This is just personal curiosity."

"I see..." Sapphire closed her eyes and reminisced. "Well... it was very hot and very rough."

"Is that right...?" Tabby asks, her mind adrift in her imagination. 

"Yes. I was quite surprised to find out that a man's hand felt that way."

"...His hand?" Tabby snapped back to reality. "...Well, I sorta know what you mean, but, uh..." she started breathing heavily as if she were in heat. "I-Isn't there a more... relevant place...?"

"More relevant? But how else would one shake hands, than by taking his hand?" Sapphire stared off into space, trying to think of an answer. Tabby became normal again after listening to Sapphire.

"...Shake hands?" she asks for confirmation. Sol and Chloe turn the heads in confusion and look to Sapphire for answers. 

"It was the first time I had ever felt a man's skin," she explained. "It was a very memorable experience for me."

. . .

. . . . . .

Time stood still. Try hard enough and you could hear the blood pumping though someone else's veins. Knowing I'm innocent, I take the girls hands off of my collar. There was no need to accept punishment for a crime I didn't commit. I let out a wheezy cough and rub my collar after being choked. Those girls were deceptively strong. Or maybe I'm just really weak.

"Goodness..." Sol says, seeing the state she put me in. "You choked him too hard, Chloe." She immediately shoved all the blame onto someone else.

"N-No, you did!" Chloe pushed the blame back to Sol. I'm not sticking around for this. I'm off to play cards with the guards.

"But you're the one who reached out first, Chloe."

"It doesn't matter who did it first. Besides, what, I did it so you decided to do it too? You're just a copycat." Chloe went for the offensive.

"W... Well, anyway, I'm quite certain you choked him harder than I did." Not knowing how to respond, Sol changed the subject.

"And how do you know that?"

"It's very obvious," Sol smirked. "Look at how your shoulders are trembling."

"Your hands gone stark white!" Chloe points out. "That means you were too rough!"

"Ah..." Sol grew smug. "My hands are naturally this fair."

"Is that supposed to be a brag?"

"Oh-ho. I beg your pardon if it seems that way."

"Hmm?" Now Chloe grew smug.  "Well I happen to know that a certain someone has expressed a preference for darker skin."

"Ah... really?" Sol believed Chloe's lie and her mood was dampened. Sapphire chuckled at the sight of the two bickering.

"My, my. They're getting along so quickly."

"I wonder..." Tabby was slightly doubtful about that.