Even though my lord told me to scan the area… I don’t see the point… I understand he is worried about milady, I am as well. But, just telling me to scan the area while he forms an elite search party? It’s not like she is going to be anywhere near, it has been a few days after all. I think he is just being too hopeful, well I am almost done here anyway. I just need to check the gate, but it’s not like she will show up out of nowhere.
I leisurely walked towards the main gates of the capital, it was my last task for the day so there was no need to rush. Some people looked curiously at the wandering butler but I kept my composure, it was what I was trained for. After some more walking, I was as close to the gate as I could get, guards would do something if I got too close. The part of the gate I was on was for entrance only.
My gaze started wandering around all of the people that were in line, I could not see them too well due to the metal grid of the gate.
‘It’s useless, there is no point. No matter who I look at, they all seem like merchants or adventurers’ I looked around some more without hope. Until my gaze fixed on a certain group. 'What’s with that group? White hair? Silver hair? Never seen such exotic hair colors, and two smaller girls with golden hair… Wait, could it be?’ I fixedly looking at them.
“Eh?!” I let out a surprised voice as I pasted my gaze on this peculiar girl, wearing luxurious clothes, golden hair and golden eyes. There was no doubt about it it was milady. However, before I could continue my thoughts I noticed the white-haired girl was staring me down, it felt like she was looking into my very soul; panicked. I escaped. I had to report.
How was this possible? Milady is back? No, this makes no sense. Was that girl milady? I was too far to actually tell, but her height seemed to match. And her hair was as pristine and silky as milady. There was no other way.
I increased my speed as I frantically ran towards the mansion, passing by civilians and some carriages. It did not take long for me to exit the plaza as I was heading northeast to the wealthier district. All of the other districts were of middle and lower classes. I was heading towards the mansion to report. I passed by the academy without batting an eye, I was running to the limits of my lowly level 20 status. I arrived at the mansion gate panting.
“To believe despite being a scout-- I couldn’t get here faster-- haha…” I lifelessly muttered as I was recovering my breath. The guard was looking at me without saying anything, I noticed a drop of sweat was running down the side of his head and dropped to the ground.
“Is there something wrong Mr. Gerard?” the armored guard worriedly asked while leaving his spear on standby. He extended his hand to help me out; I grabbed onto it.
“T-Thanks.” I barely managed to muster after somewhat recovering from the hellish sprint, but I was not done yet. I still had to report. I thanked the guard and sprinted inside the mansion in a hurry, I did not worry about messing the carpet on the floor. This was something more important. I ran upstairs towards the studio. The other butlers and maids looked at me with worried faces. I was drenched in sweat but this was still more important.
Despite my rapidly dropping stamina, I was on the final stretch, I only had to reach the two-black wooden doors. I sprinted with the last of the stamina I could muster and slammed the doors.
“Lord Firil!” I rudely exclaimed as soon as I rampaged into the room.
“W-What?!” He was recovering from the shock of having his doors suddenly slammed. He did not reprimand me seeing I was panting and bathed in my own bodily fluids. I took two-quick breaths, but that wasn’t enough to completely calm my breath and heart down. However, that didn’t matter.
“My lord… I-I have come to report… I-- was by the gates and I think I saw milady!” I barely managed to muster those words through my ragged breath. I noticed my lord had his eyes wide-open and jolted from his seat. He grabbed the bell on his desk and frantically shook it with vigor, a vigor that I had never seen before coming from him. Soon enough I heard rushing footsteps towards here and another butler showed up.
“Y-Yes my lord?!”
“Get my daughter back! She was seen at the city gates. Do anything in my power! And reprimand those people that took her!” he commanded a fuming red-face. He was tightly clenching his fist, I could tell. This mattered to my lord more than anything else that had happened before. Nobles valued etiquette, however that did not matter to him at this moment. For some reason, he did not command me even though I was the head butler. I could only assume it was because he was used to having reports made by other people and I was the one to jolt into his room instead... Well, it did not matter who got the order as long as milady is safe.
“At your orders!” the butler hurriedly bowed and left the room in a rush and closed the doors behind me, making a sound resonate throughout the whole room.
I kept gasping for air and breathing slowly. Steadily; my heart calmed down and my breathing was returning to normal. As soon as I could I straightened myself; I was showing disgraceful behaviour. I was his butler, nothing else, nothing more. I heard a breath of relief from across the room.
“Gerard… Did you really see her?”
“Y-Yes, there was no doubt about it. However, there was something weird. She seemed to be there willingly,” he lifted his eyebrow hearing this.
“Willingly?”
“Yes, willingly. She seemed to be chatting with three more girls,” I informed my lord. It was important information, I don’t know what happened but I truly doubt those girls captured her and planned to sell her or do whatever they were going to do with her.
“I see,” he sighed. “Gerard, make sure they only capture those girls then.” he casually gave me an order. Rather, a request. I bowed and left the room. As soon as I was outside I noticed the butler standing there.
“Gerard, what do I do?!” Ah, right. I was the head butler. Special orders like these could not be fulfilled by normal butlers. I was more of his right hand than an actual butler. But a butler nonetheless. I grabbed his shoulder.
“I will take care of this.” Hearing my words the butler’s shoulders loosened and he quickly bowed.
“Thank you very much!” he left in a hurry after finishing his words.
After that, I went downstairs and went to the guards. Seeing I did not have much time I just gathered six guards from around the mansion. While the defenses were as low as ever, I think my lord would have preferred this over taking the time to go for more knights. Even though I had gathered six guards they just looked at me. Holding their spears on standby.
“Umm, Gerard why are we all here?” the head knight James questioned. We were in front of the mansion. This is where I as the head butler had to take control.
“James, as you know milady was… Captured,” I bitterly said. I noticed a lot of the knights gritted their teeth hearing those words. While milady was a girl of few words, she was loved by everyone across the mansion, however, she seemed to be rather depressed lately so we had been hesitant to approach her.
“Well, not anymore. We are going to get milady today. I spotted her today at the gates. This is an order from Firil.”
“””Wooo!””” their energy rose as they let out pumped shouts. While it was disgraceful to use my lord’s name without his presence it was for the better. The reason to why the guards did not doubt my words was my lord’s name. Using his name in his absence to lie was… A death penalty to put it simply, I had their absolute trust.
We marched towards the gates. The armor was more of an obstacle for the knights under the scorching sun. They were heavily sweating however, that did not shake their unwavering eyes nor their conviction to fulfill the order at hand. People looked at us, but that did not matter either.
“Wait!” A kingdom guard ran into our way, we had no time to waste with him. He was an obstacle and in our way. Despite the rather dire situation, we could not forcefully move him aside; all of us knew better. I had something to deal with this kind of situation. No matter how many rules that I had set for myself, I break, I will bring milady back. I took out the silver medallion from inside my bosom. His eyes grew wide.
“T-That’s the-the Cereslin’s family--”
“Move,” I commanded the guard. He moved aside and let us pass. He was still looking at us, that did not matter, it was better than seeing him freak out for minutes wasting our time.
I also realized that all of the civilians that were ignoring us now had their eyes pasted on us. Every single human being on the plaza was now looking at us due to the knight’s reaction; we continued marching towards the gates. ‘Sigh, I want to get milady back but this would go faster if people stopped getting in our way,’ I muttered as I rubbed my face with my glove in frustration.
Soon enough even the gate guards took notice of us, I noticed one of them was talking to the white-haired girl. A commotion was rising on the streets.
“Stop!” A gate guard halted our process. This time we were not as impatient because we could see milady. Or two miladies? Both of the girls looked almost the same, well. We would figure out eventually. I flashed the medallion again, which yet again, made the guard’s eyes shake. However, this guard was much more experienced. He coughed and moved aside. I noticed the girls were entering the plaza.
“Wait!” I got in their way. The six guards followed behind me. I noticed the silver-haired girl narrowed her eyes and looked at us, her presence was… Intimidating. It was the first time I had experienced such a thing. I started shaking and the guards behind me instantly pointed their spears.
“Umm,” The white-haired girl awkwardly broke the tension between both parties. I froze for a second not believing her casual and carefree behaviour while having weapons pointed at her. I also noticed there was a wolf casually wagging his tail next to her. For some reason, despite it being clearly visible I did not notice him at all.
As the white-haired girl was about to speak.
“Gerard?” I looked at the source of the voice, it was milady wearing a sailor uniform. Her hair was incredibly messed up and seemed to be forcefully cut. She came towards me without any of the other girls doing anything about it. I knelt down to receive her.
“Milady, I am glad you are fine.” I was truly relieved.
“Umm, I am sorry Gerard, it was all my fault,” she dejectedly said as she closed in to hug me. I hugged her back, however, the more I looked at her hair the more it bothered me. What could have caused such a thing? I doubt it was the girls that were in front of me, but to be sure I needed to know.
“Did they do something to you?” I quietly whispered to her ear.
“Umm…" she started thinking and her eyes brightened. "I learned mana perception and manipulation with them!” she joyously informed me. They were glorious news, I felt my heart pounding in my chest from excitement.
"That is marvelous milady. If you don't mind me asking—How did they teach you?" I softly asked. The guards were getting relaxed and lowered the spears. The atmosphere was clearing up. Milady separated herself and looked at me with sparkling eyes. As she opened her mouth she began thinking about something.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked out of concern. But she just shook her head.
"I just don't know how to begin," she dejectedly informed me.
"Well, I am willing to listen to everything." Hearing me, she nodded and began talking.
"It all started with me mentioning not knowing perception or manipulation," I nodded. "And then Aizen said if it was just that she could teach me." I did not know who Aizen was but it was certainly a good thing. "So, she grabbed my hands and I started feeling this strange energy that was roaming. After a few minutes, I managed to learn it. Isn't it amazing?!" She excitedly ended her explanation.
However, strange energy? That was mana, yes, but. Grabbing hands? The only way that could work would be by injecting mana into someone's body, at least from the methods I know of. But, that's... No. It's just an impossible development. Who in their right mind would do that? It makes no sense. There must be some sort of mistake, I am not very knowledgable in this ambit, thankfully there is a way to clear my mind.
"Milady, did you feel mana entering your body before you learned it?" It was the only way.
"Well, yeah. Does it matter?" She asked with a puzzled expression. However, it did matter.
"D-Did you really feel it? Entering your body?!" I was in a panic as I asked out of reassurance. Milady just slowly nodded in awkwardness.
That was all I needed to know. These girls were dangerous... No, they were insane…
I quickly stood up and forcefully dragged milady behind the guards. I nodded towards James the head knight. These individuals had to be captured. The guards stepped in front of milady and me; pointing their spears at the girls.
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Yes. Votes: 22 8.7%
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No. Votes: 230 91.3%
Ok, there are problems everywhere with this chapter, none of these characters are acting in a reasonable manner.
1st, if he sees Cecile and she does not seem to be in distress, why not pick her up right now? Why run back to the mansion?
2nd, why does the lord give an order to a 2nd butler when it's Gerard who carries it out anyway?
3rd, why do you describe the guards looking at the royal guard like they want to kill him when they just have the family crest to use? That's too excessive. (Actually, that one can work, it's just the way you phrase it is a bit off.)
4th, the conflict you are creating with Cecile's words is just too forced. Why would she say a line like that when the important information is that they saved her? Shouldn't she say that first? The mere fact she used words that could be so easily misinterpreted would mean she's incredibly dumb, the intelligence of a 5 year old level dumb, and way below what a noble should have.
Any single one of those 4 points are completely immersion breaking due to how off the behavior is (the 1st one is critically bad since all actions after it are based on that one flawed premise.) All 4 combined just make the chapter seem sloppy. You need to think more about what is reasonable and consistent behavior. Forcing a conflict with illogical behavior is just cheap.
Considering that they believe her kidnapped and held captive, a mere butler getting reinforcements before confronting an unknown situation is just sensible. Even if she looks fine and nonstressed, it could easily be a front to get her through the gates. There could also be a number of hidden enemies with the girls being there to take attention off of them. That said, going all the way back to the manor for them seems a bit much, especially because risking letting her out of sight again; woulda made more sense to at least try and recruit the gate guards first.
The rest I would agree is nonsensical and forced though. A contrived situation to cause a minor confrontation before Cecile clears up the misunderstanding.
@kenshin135 Yeah, good points. My head must have not been in the right place to have missed this, all he would have to do is show the gate guard the medallion of the family and he could recruit their help. If he feels he needs more than that, just go to the closest guard post.
The most reasonable suspicion would probably be that the girls are all being forced by someone else who is secretly hiding. The unusual hair colors would make it plenty reasonable to assume they are slaves as well, rich people like oddities and therefore slavers would go for girls with weird hair colors like them in order to sell to rich people. They may be taken for older slaves who are being forced to keep the younger ones in line.
The dialogue from the butler would therefore, more likely, be along the lines of "were they with the people who took you?" and then upon receiving a "no" answer, the guards would fan out and start looking for people in hiding until they are told the girls already defeated the people who took her and they were bringing her back now. That's the most reasonable way for this whole thing to have gone.
@Jemini Ah, yes. I wholeheartedly agree. I am working on a fix. Unfortunately, this rather depressed mood of mine is hard to overcome. So, until then, you will have to just uh; suffer from my rather potato writing. I would call it a lack of planning, but that wasn't the issue, it was something else entirely. Thanks for the feedback.
@Azrie Yeah, sorry. I'm not trying to come down hard on you. I know it's hard to hear you messed up in your writing, but I'm trying to be friendly and point it out so you're not making mistakes that are lowering the overall quality of your work.
I really didn't want you to get depressed from it, but I can certainly see where it would be discouraging to repeatedly hear about your own mistakes. Well, I guess, look on the bright side. You are at least doing something right in order to attract this large an audience as to constantly be on the front page.
The overall theme of the story is definitely something that catches people's interest, and the fact that you are taking the story slow and observing little activities from the main cast, just how they positively interact with one another, it's a good concept. You've just got to get into the heads of your characters a little more. I think Cecile should be smart enough to avoid phrasing things in such a way that would create a misunderstanding, at least on the first impression of the encounter. The whole "forced to learn mana perception" thing is a line I can still see coming out of her, but she would probably drop it later when a positive first impression of her friends have already been made (likely by her telling the butler they saved her.)
It would probably go something along the lines of her bragging on how cool they are for a bit, saying something along the lines of "Also, I finally picked up the mage class! That girl had a way of forcing me to learn mana perception!" This would get a negative response from the butler and a momentary confrontational attitude, but it wouldn't be to the level of pointing weapons at them and readying for active combat. It would be more like him wondering if these people are really safe and if they should really be trusted, re-evaluating a hero's welcome to a "thank you, here's your reward, now leave" being the response he wants to give them. (Until he is convinced otherwise.)
@Jemini I fixed it already. Thanks for pointing everything, I did a small rewrite and added around 300 words in general to the chapter. It reads a lot better now. (In my opinion) I understand where you are coming from, and yeah. Having only the bad stuff pointed out can be quite discouraging; especially if you have a potato personality such as mine, only looking for excuses to look down on their own work.
I can only thank you, and the other readers. Because despite all of the criticism it allows me to better myself. If no one had pointed it out, I wouldn't have bothered with it. So, thank you.
@Azrie Yeah, it's definitely a problem resulting from an unfortunate truth of the world. It is something PR departments at most businesses are very aware of. If a customer has a really good experience at your store, one person in five might tell one friend about it. If a customer has a really bad experience at your store, every single one of them will tell around ten friends about it.
Bottom line, bad news is talked about 100 times as frequently as good news.
Also, the bad jumps out at you a lot more than the good in the first place. It's an evolutionary survival method. We are more likely to remember we saw a tiger than we are to remember we saw a nice place to take a rest under the sun.
EDIT: Oh, and I just read your edit. It only addresses one of the 4 problems, but the one you chose was definitely the correct one to address. It just wouldn't feel right reading on to the next chapter if it was left in its previous state, at least now the rough feeling is isolated to this chapter and the "off" feeling from the forced conflict won't bleed over into the next chapter.
It was actually a pretty good edit. Gives Cecile dialogue that makes a lot more sense, but still arrives at the same end result. Definitely feels more like she's trying to stick up for them and not get them in trouble and it's Gerard's way of taking her words that results in the conflict, and that way of taking it makes a lot more sense for the characters.
(If you get time, it would probably be a good idea to fix the issue with the lord ordering the wrong butler. That little blip of an error is one that doesn't need to be there, and fixing it shouldn't be anywhere near as much of an issue as fixing the 1st one. Either have him order Gerard without calling the other butler, or have the lord grow embarrassed when he realizes Gerard, the butler he should be ordering, was already in front of him when he rang the bell. Gerard commenting (in internal monologue) about how his lord must have gotten a little flustered to have rung that bell in the first place when he was right in front of him would also be a good fix.)