Chapter 3 - III -
I’m hungry.
I guess it’s been a while since I ate. Looking around, I noticed that there were no windows in this room, and the atmosphere was suffocating. If I may put it, this was a dungeon.
Wait. Why am I even here?
“It seems you caught a big fish here, Mister Kuro.”
It’s the first time that I saw that armor-clad girl. She had a dignified stature, and her face told me she hailed from the nobility.
“My name is Dusis Luisa, the Marquise of Monfort. I’m the head of Her Holiness’ Paladin Corps. Nice to meet you, Mister Kuro.”
“Err…”
“Well, I know it’s only now that we met.” the Marquise of Monfort pulled a nearby chair and sat down, “It’s because Her Holiness sent me on an errand and only got back just now.”
No, not that. I don’t intend to know that; what I want to ask is why am I here in the dungeon.
“Or you want to ask why are you here, at the dungeon?” the paladin chuckled, “Well, you’re under investigation.”
“Ha?” I couldn’t believe my ears, “Why am I under suspicion? Didn’t I help you capture that weird guy earlier?”
“Hmm? What did I just say?” the Marquise of Monfort paused and pondered.
“That I’m under investigation?”
“I…said that?”
“Well, yes!” I’m getting annoyed and sarcastic.
The Marquise of Monfort then suddenly let out an awkward, forced laugh, “Haha…sorry bud! What I mean is, I’m investigating the incident so I’ll be questioning you. You’re not a suspect, let me be clear, so don’t worry!”
“Then why am I in the dungeon?”
“Oh, this is for ‘setting the mood’. Look!” the paladin pushed the hanging light, and it rocked back and forth, “If I do this, it looks like a legitimate interrogation.”
Yes…indeed it looks like an interrogation scene from a movie. But wait a minute, do we even need this kind of atmosphere? This is just for questioning, right? And…I’m hungry…
“This is stupid,” I muttered.
“Do you want your hands to be tied at the back for added drama?” the Marquise of Monfort asked, pulling out a loop of rope from inside her armor.
“Uhh…can we go directly to the questions? I’m starving.”
“Oh, right.” the paladin clapped her hands, “You can eat while we—wait! Supposedly this is an interrogation. The more famished you are, the better the tension! You can’t eat—guoh!”
I heard a loud ‘clang’, caused by a metal helmet that hit the Marquise’s head. Her eyes rolled white and fell unconscious. Behind her was another girl with an indifferent expression; on her hands was the helmet she used to silence the other paladin.
“Dame Sasha Atkins, vice-captain of Paladin Corps.” the new arrival gave me a tray of food, “Here, eat!”
Finally! A reasonable person appeared!
The moment I finished eating, was the time when Dame Atkins began her line of questions.
“Name?” she asked, with a pen and paper in hand.
“Kuro.”
“What happened?”
“I was looking around the palace when I met that weird guy. Turns out he’s a thief. He threatened me to help him with a knife. He says he wants to steal the…err…should I tell you?”
“Go on.”
“The Saint’s panties.”
“…” Dame Atkins fell silent. Her face was beet-red, though it remained indifferent.
“Ahem.” I faked my cough to break the ice.
“True.” she curtly replied. Does she have a lie-detecting device hidden somewhere?
“Err…is that all?”
“No.”
“Next question?”
“Yes.”
“Then what is it?”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“P-panties?”
“I don’t know.” Why do I feel that this conversation is getting nowhere?
“You?”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“Me what?”
“A man?”
“Hey, is that even a legitimate question?” What kind of interrogation is this?
“Answer.”
“Of course I am!”
“Then why?”
“Why what?”
“Didn’t help?”
“Who?”
“Thief.”
I think I’m talking to a retard. “I’m not like him. I put my urges in their proper place.”
“True.”
“What?”
“What?”
“What what?”
“You know I’m having fun watching you guys talk.” it was the Marquise of Monfort. She finally recovered after being hit in the head by her subordinate, “You both look stupid!”
Oh yeah? Like you’re one to talk!
“Ah anyway, Dame Atkins, I’ll take charge here.” the Marquise of Monfort told her, “Continue writing Mister Kuro’s responses.”
Dame Atkins gave a silent nod and backed down.
“So yeah, as I was saying earlier, you caught a big fish.” the Marquise began.
“Big fish?” I wanted an elaborate answer to what she just told me.
“Yeah. That thief you fought is the Duke Millshawn. He’s a well-known underwear thief in all of Chersea and a dedicated pervert whose stated goal in life is to grab hold of at least one of Her Holiness’ panties.”
“That’s…quite a mission, huh?” This world is weird.
“His alias: ‘The Great Sneaker’.”
And even their naming convention is twisted.
“Legend has it that there hasn’t been a girl’s panty in this land that is safe from the Duke’s hand. That’s why we took extra measures to ensure the security of this place. But alas, he still slipped past the guards.”
Well, for something that should be ‘extra secure’, for a pervert to sneak past the security is something, huh?
“Fortunately, the Saint has willed…”
Oh boy, here we go again…
“…a great soul to aid her faithful paladins in the defense of her underwear!”
I don’t like where this is heading.
The Marquise of Monfort was serious in her monologue, “And this great soul is even willing to sacrifice his life to safeguard the nether regions of Her Holiness…”
She said it!
“So from this day forward, allow me—the humble servant of Her Holiness, Dusis Luisa, the Marquise of Monfort—to give upon you the honorable title of ‘Defender of Her Holiness’ Nether Regions’—GUOH!”
I immediately spat out the water that I was drinking straight to the paladin’s face. Dame Atkins began clapping her hands emotionlessly.
“You never cease to entertain me, Kuro, the Defender of my Nether Regions.” the Saint was giving me an amused look, once I emerged from that silly ‘interrogation’ unscathed. She was waiting for me in the courtyard, along with some maids who were serving her tea.
“T-thank you, Your H-holiness. But can you please omit that stupid title?”
“Oh why, oh why?” Her Holiness displayed a mockingly worried expression, “Don’t you like the honor, Mister Defender?”
Haha…yep, I thought Her Holiness was still angry about that embarrassing Vietnam War stunt I did earlier.
“Oh yes. Do that again in front of my patrons, and I will incinerate you.” The gentle, smiling face of Saint Madelaine didn’t match her words, but yes, I’d remember that. It’s quite fortunate I could get away from that scene with just a bump on my head, courtesy of Her Holiness herself.
“But my patrons aside, you are something. Not only did you make them laugh, but you also caught that pervert trying to sneak in my room.” I didn’t know if she’s praising me or what, but I guess I’d just let her spoke her mind, “Well at least, please do that ‘Vietnam War’ stunt when we don’t have visitors. I’m sure the rest of the household also would enjoy watching you like that.”
“Oh, indeed they are.” I made a sarcastic remark, but I guess the Saint didn’t mind it.
“Ah anyway, please come here.” she tapped on her lap. Is she telling me to place my head there?
“Of course, I am.” Oh…she read my mind.
Err…wouldn’t it be awkward for her? Or what about the maids? They might mistake that gesture for something perverted once again.
“Kuro, a beautiful girl is already offering you a lap pillow. I don’t see any reason you’ll refuse the invitation, can you?”
“Err…” From the corners of my eyes, I could feel the death stares of the maids watching my every move.
“Kuro, I just wanted to heal your head injuries; that pervert thief gave you a lot of nasty bruises after all. What’s keeping you?” The Saint’s face changed from gentle to threatening. The deadly stares of her servants immediately vanished. With that, I did what she told me, and she began chanting the healing spell.
She may be forceful, but Her Holiness is a kind soul, huh?
“I’m glad you think of me that way, Kuro. Thank you!”
Fuck, she read my mind for the third time.
