CHAPTER 5 - II -

 

**Kuro**

 

That slap from Lily sure was painful…

 

“…”

 

I left the council, not because of what she did to me.  In fact, her slap was a welcome event.  It brought me back to myself.

 

What the hell am I doing?

 

The flashbacks of those terrified men, just before they were killed by my orders, passed through my mind.  And then, Sir Simon.  That guy was a good friend and supporter to me, even when his blood-brother and love of his life, King Rambo, was mad at me.

 

And I dismissed what he did in Savoy as a ‘sacrifice’ that was necessary.

 

Oh god, am I sliding back again to my former self?

 

“…”

 

Honestly, I’m glad that he survived that onslaught with the Imperial legions.  Yet, I let myself be blinded by my desire to avenge the Marquise.  I’m pretty sure that if Luisa was still alive, I’d receive an even more painful punch into my face.

 

You fucked up again, Kuro!

 

 

Even before, in my past, I always fucked it up, just as when everything was going fine…

 

I thought I was some normal kid.  My parents raised me normally, getting spanked every time I commit errors, or a pinch in the ear if I didn’t listen.  My mother was a former teacher, and she educated me in a manner I’d say was like an ‘iron education’.  However, as strict as it could be, when I entered school at five years, I never thought that something so routine would change me…

 

“Everyone!” my teacher said, “Please clap your hands for ****!  You guys should strive to be intelligent like him!”

 

My classmates showered praises and compliments to me when I won the word-reading contest by my teacher.  For the first time in my life, I felt happy.  I’m important.  I am needed.

 

And everything followed.

 

“Top 4 in class, **** ******!”

 

“**** won every quiz bee he’s ever been!  He’s got potential in the future!  Children, that’s a good model for you!”

 

“You should emulate ****.  He’s a good student!”

 

Children around me would always clap and shower praises for me whenever the adults were around.  I never asked them to do those to me, but I admit I did like it when they give me compliments.  Because of that, I strove hard to meet everyone’s expectations.  My teachers loved me, and my parents were proud.  

 

However, it was a different matter when we children are alone…

 

“Hey, ****, that’s a good drawing you got there, huh?  It looks like an elephant.”

 

“It’s a hippo, you dumbass!”

 

“Please stop it!  Don’t bully **** anymore!” a classmate of mine would always say, but he’s never my protector, “He sucks at drawing even though he tries; it’s pretty pathetic of him to continue, so avoid teasing him!  It’s making my stomach turn already.”

 

Then the laughs, and the jeers…I could always hear it within me.  Every time I walk in the hallways, I would always feel like everyone’s eyes were staring at me, and were talking bad behind me…

 

I wonder what’s wrong with me?  Back then, I tried to be my best.  I let them see my skills whenever the opportunity presents itself.  I wanted to be the coolest kid by showing everyone what I could do.  But somehow my efforts backfired.

 

“That’s a weirdo.”

 

“He’s a high-handed freak.”

 

“That annoying guy from class 2?  Stay away from him.”

 

For several years when I was growing up, it went like that.  There never was a school year that I did not make enemies and bullies.  The painful words, punches, kicks, and curses increased the more I get myself involved with the people around me…

 

I tried to fight back at first, however, the bullying just got worse to where, in everything I do, they’d always make me look like a fool by claiming that what they want was different from what I did.  So, I learned not to assume things, even in little matters like romance.

 

What’s wrong with me?

 

“…”

 

Then I went to college.  There, I learned that maybe it’s because of my arrogance that caused me to be scorned by the people around me.  So, I strove to change myself.  But the bullying went on.  In fact, it went for the worst.  Sometimes my classmates would cooperate with one another not to include me in-class projects, or would not talk to me at all!

 

It is painful, but I guess I reaped what I sow…I fucked up, for the first time.

 

 

After that, I graduated.  It took a few years before I could land a job as a teacher in a city quite far from where I lived.  I wanted to stay away from my place, for it was full of painful memories.  If there’s one thing that I learned from my experience during my school years, it was not to care.

 

Yes, I don’t care what the others would say about me anymore.  I don’t give a damn to whatever they expected from me.  I won’t sympathize with others, since they felt no mercy for me.

 

Since then, I swore to become a ‘stone’.  I’ll live my life like I wanted to, regardless of everyone else.

 

It was a success.  I never truly cared for others, nor do I get emotionally attached to anyone.  If I’d ask about you, it’s mostly superficial concern…something that came out of me because of culture, or custom.  Whoever came and whoever went, I just continued moving on.  If I failed on my first try at life, then in this second one, I’ll make sure I’ll succeed by throwing away my emotions.

 

But then it happened.

 

“…”

 

I should’ve never let that guy be by himself.  But, since I don’t want to get involved, I let him alone…even though he was my student and a good friend.  I never knew he was already suffering, all because I am too blind to look to others who really needed me.  I know that if I did something back then, I might’ve talked him out of it, yet I did nothing.

 

And so he killed himself.

 

I could still remember it, fresh like yesterday’s memory…I guess it’s my second fuck-up.

 

 

That guy’s legacy never left me.  It happened when I was in my second year of teaching, and from then on, I scrambled to regain what I lost.  I tried to bring back my former ‘feeling’ self.  I re-learned to sympathize with others, especially with my students.  Even though I’m getting the short end of the stick, I endeavored to help.

 

I don’t want to lose a student again.

 

I am a teacher, and my responsibility was to enable my charges to live the life they wanted, responsibly, of course.  If I had to make sacrifices, no matter how big or hard it was, it’s fine.  I wanted to be someone of use, as a person who was made to feel that he was irrelevant for his whole life…

 

“Sir, you’re the best teacher I ever had.”

 

Yes, the feeling of being needed is good, I told myself.

 

So, I tried my best to do the best for my students, even at the cost of alienating my co-workers.  I wanted to become the elder brother they never had or the father they yearned for.  I fought for what I believed was for their well-being.  

 

But then…

 

“Mister ******, why did that child say that to you instead of the guidance counselor?  Are you trying to usurp our authority here?”

 

“N-No Ma’m, I was just trying to—”

 

“We have our SOPs here!” the principal bluntly told me, “Even if it’s a molestation case, you still have to follow it!”

 

“I-I’m only trying to help—”

 

“You put our organization in jeopardy because of that, Mister ******.”

 

What did I just do?  Did I fuck-up again?

 

I had to resign from my work, all because I over-zealously did my job.  A co-worker of mine was involved in molesting a student, and when that child asked for my help, I went to great lengths—and even a bit of illegal ways—to expose him.  And in doing so, I guess I put my school and colleagues in danger…once again.

 

My third fuck-up.

 

I’m at a loss.  If I did not care, I fail.  If I did care, I also fail.  What am I going to do with my life?  Perhaps it’s really a mistake!

 

And then, just when I woke up one day when I’m exhausted from looking for another job…I opened my eyes to see a beautiful, silver-haired girl staring right back at me.

 

Maddie.

 

Getting to know her and her friends was one of the best things that happened in my life.  For the third time, I felt I was needed.  I felt I was doing something good and noble.  And that girl always believed in me.  So were the others:  Lily, Eris, Luisa, Atkins, Simon…the list goes on.

 

And yet, here I am again.  Fucking up my ‘new’ life by making wrong decisions—causing Luisa’s death and almost losing Sir Simon, all because I’m blinded by my foolish desires…just like how it’s always been.

 

 

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the door slowly open.  I was staying in my private quarters, lying on the bed, thinking of what’s happening around me, and my failures.  However, I guess the time to talk to Lily was inevitable, for there she was, standing by the door of my room.

 

“…”

 

She just stared at me for a few moments.  I wanted to speak to her, tell her I’m sorry for what happened back in the war council.  I wanted to apologize for all I’ve done so far…

 

…but much to my surprise, I can’t say anything to her.  I feel so ashamed of myself…

 

“Kuro…” Lily began, “We need to talk…”

 

“Y-Yes…I have something to tell you as well.”

 

Lily then sat by my side at the edge of the bed.  Then another round of silence followed between us.  I took the initiative and speak to her.

 

“Sorry…”

 

“Yes.” was Lily’s meek reply.

 

“I…I didn’t mean to say those things.  Sir Simon’s been a great friend to me, and yet, I treated him like shit.”

 

“It’s okay Kuro, I understand.  I’m sure Maddie would understand too.”

 

“Well…I don’t know Lily.  It’s like, your slap brought me back to my senses.” I admitted to her, “Then I realized, I’ve done a lot of things that would remain in my hands for as long as I lived.  I killed many people, though it was unnecessary because I’m blinded by my revenge.”

 

“Hmm…I guess it’s only natural that you feel that way, you know, your desire to avenge the owner of that sword in your waist.  Maybe, she was your friend.  I would do the same too; the fact that I slapped you earlier meant that I’m the same.  However, Kuro…”

 

“…”

 

“…I don’t want you to focus on what has already happened.  Don’t be so hard on yourself.  Sure, you killed many people even if it could be avoided; maybe that would be a sin that would remain in you as long as you live.  However, don’t let it dictate what you would become.  As you always say to me back then, change for the better, right?”

 

“Yes…I wanted to change for the better, for I failed my life before.” I felt dejected, “But I kept on coming back to that failure…”

 

“Well, we’re humans.  And because of that, I guess you’re okay to make errors.  It’s just that, as you always tell me, we learn from those mistakes.”  Lily then added, “Besides, if you think you’ve done the worst thing a person could ever do, think again.  There were people—like me—who’ve done even worse to others.  And I could change myself because I got friends like you and Maddie who stood by me.”

 

The conversation between us brought tears to my eyes.  It’s not that I’m needed, but it’s the feeling that the person speaking before me was thankful I did something good in her life.

 

“Haa…I’m tired, Lily.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I just wanted to live a peaceful life…with the people I love and understand me.  I don’t want to be a bloodthirsty murderer…no matter how successful am I on the battlefield.  I don’t want to be a failure for the rest of my life, wasting it on things I never wanted to do.”

 

“I know.” Lily suddenly held my head and pulled it towards her lap, “That’s why I—and Maddie—would do our best to make you the best man in all of Chersea.”

 

“I don’t need that.  I just wanted to be the best husband for you and Maddie, as well as the best father for our children in the future…”

 

“And we’ll be the best wives only for you, Kuro…” Lily gently kissed my forehead as she caressed me to sleep.