9. Cure for Heartache
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~Familiarize myself with these feelings, ‘cause soon this is all I'll ever feel and pain is nothing new to me. Familiarize myself with these thoughts, ‘cause I knew I would lose you but who would've known I've lost myself too in the tide.~

 

The gushes of winds keep blowing to their faces. Lucca’s stands of hair sometimes got stuck in his eyes and it annoys him at times for having to brush it away here and there while Caleb, on the other hand, looks perfectly calm, leaning against the back of the tombstone of Lucca’s grandfather. “Do you want to talk to me about the dreams?” Caleb asked. Lucca has his back leaned against the back side of his grandmother’s tombstone, staring at the sky in reverie, thinking about the past which had been much of a blurry to him now, wondering of what more he can tell.

 

He had never been much of a talker and he is especially careful about opening up to people. Growing up in a psychiatric facility had taught him much about what you’re supposed to expose and what should remain hidden. Trust is such a fragile piece. Today, however, he had told Caleb that he sometimes has dreams about his mama and a girl that has the same face as his. He is unsure whether to get into details or not to Caleb but one thing for certain is that he wanted Caleb to open up to him as well.

 

~I used to sing that song that my heart will be with you. I used to sing that song which reminds me of you. Now I wish I could burn all the records just so I'll find a cure for this heartache. For this heartache. For which you caused me. For this heartache.~

 

“I don’t even know where to begin,” Lucca explained, letting his thoughts and memories ran overlapping through his head. He feels like everything is distorted now and unorganized. Maybe it was just that his memories are repressed. He probably refused to remember that it now seems just so unreal to him. Like it had happened to someone else instead of him. The recurring dreams could be a sign of the truth.

 

Smiling, Caleb spoke in the softest voice Lucca has yet to ever heard from Caleb. “You can start anywhere,” he said convincingly.

 

It just made Lucca wants to open up even more. And it’s unfair. He wants to know more about Caleb too. He looks back at Caleb but quickly looks away as he notices the way Caleb’s eyes narrowed as he gazes towards him. His heart started to beat fast and loud. Probably talking can reduce his nervousness. Too much has happened in a day today anyway. He should not have felt this nervous. “Well, sometimes, I saw this girl in my dream. She sometimes looks about my age but sometimes she looks like an older woman,” he started.

 

“Sometimes she is evil, sometimes she is sweet, sometimes she looks like mama but in that particular dream, I just knew that she is not mama, you know. Like she was only wearing her face. It’s kinda confusing and weird,” he ended his explanation with a nervous laughter. “But… I can’t help but think that,…” No. Not think. Lucca changes his thought quickly. “…feel that… she is someone significant. But I don’t know why.”

 

At that, he can hear Caleb snickers by his side. “Dreams are meant to be weird,” he only commented. Again, in the same soft tone. And Lucca is beginning to realize something. Caleb spoke in such a way to seduce him! So he turns to look at Caleb’s direction just to see that Caleb had leaned in closer to him with a smile plastered on his face.

 

~Cut it out, honey, don't need to play pretend that you're as hurt as me. No need for subtleties, you think I don't know, honey? this is what you wished for. Cut it out, honey, my heart had bled too much for you, why not, baby? Just take another slice, I'm immune to pain, honey, this is what you wished for.~

 

Lucca froze in surprise, unsure of how to react. “I’m jealous,” Caleb suddenly stated. His soft gaze shifted to somewhat of a devious one. Feeling himself trembled, Lucca tried to ask Caleb calmly. “Wh- of what?” but he stuttered instead.

 

Caleb stares down at Lucca, especially at the spot he had been desiring for quite a while… Lucca’s lips. He then slowly moves one of his hands towards Lucca’s face and places his thumb on Lucca’s soft lips. Even at the touch of his fingers on them, he can already imagine what it’ll taste like. But anger steadily arises inside him at a memory of today’s incident. His heart is filled with loathe yet again. “Your father kissed you,” he specified.

 

Taken aback, Lucca’s quickly pulls Caleb’s hand away from his lips and face. He laughs nervously in the process, which he realizes wasn’t a good reaction to give but he can’t think of how else to react and he could not even calm himself down. The kiss from his papa was confusing enough for him already. He doesn’t want to go back to that thought or the memory. He had not figured out how he feels yet about it. “It was nothing,” he quickly debated. His heart is still drumming fast in his chest.

 

“Really? It means nothing to you?” Caleb aggravated him with questions.

 

~I used to feel the shame when I fuck with someone new, I used to feel that my heart is still with you, I used to care too much not to upset you, but now I’m in this room with these boys and I’m ready to go. This is my cure for heartache. For which you caused me. My cure for heartache.~

 

The truth is, Lucca himself is not even sure if it means nothing to him or not but he refuses to entertain any more of the thought for now. There’s too much going on in his head right now. “Perhaps we should go back now. It’s getting dark,” Lucca simply said, changing the subject completely and quickly gets himself up to a stand. He is aware that Caleb is still on the ground leaning against the tombstone. He heard no comments from Caleb but Lucca knew that he had to set some distance from Caleb in order to calm himself down so he started to walk a little further away from the tombstones. When he feels that he is far enough, he turns to take one last look at Caleb. “Are you not coming?” he asked.

 

Caleb only smiles slyly at him, still leaning lazily against the tombstone. He appears to have made the tombstone as his couch of some sort and Lucca doesn’t know whether to feel intrigued or dreaded by Caleb’s laidback attitude. But, without warning, he heard him ask the most absurd questions towards him from the distance. “Hey, Lucca, can I make you mine if I force a kiss on you?”

 

Shocked and flustered, Lucca couldn’t say anything to answer the question that had been thrown at him. He could just walk away, not answering. He could just get angry. Or he could just tell Caleb that he won’t be his. But instead, he chooses to change the subject again. “It’s getting late, let’s go back,” he called.

 

“You’re not answering me,” Caleb claimed, gritting his teeth. He knows what he wants and he’s not about to back out without a fight.

 

Then,… if an answer is what he craves for, Lucca thought he should give him one. “I belong to no one,” he sharply answered.

 

At the statement, Caleb laughs aloud and pushes himself up to a stand. “Oh? So I have to fuck someone that’ll give birth to you then only you’ll be mine? I didn’t know you have a fetish for incest though,” he accused with a smile.

 

It wasn’t what he said that angers Lucca. But it was that smile. Like he knows everything and perfectly judging him. He hated that. “I said I belong to NO ONE!” Lucca shouted, surprised at his own capability to yell that loud. He doesn’t know why he is angry. He did fuck with his papa once upon a time and incest could be a thing for him. But he doesn’t know why it just sets him off. It was almost as if… he is disgusted by it.

 

Caleb started to move towards Lucca. “Not even to your father?” He asked as he comes with a voice so steady and calm. But there’s a hint of danger that still lingers in his eyes.

 

“I said no one, Caleb,” Lucca said, appearing to be firm over his words. He knew that he should turn around now and walk away while he still can but it’s so difficult for him to turn away from Caleb’s gaze. It was as if there’s an evil aura surrounding Caleb, like if he looks away, he’ll be caught and devoured in an instant.

 

~Cut it out, honey, don't need to play pretend that you're as hurt as me. No need for subtleties, you think I don't know, honey? this is what you wished for. Cut it out, honey, my heart had bled too much for you, why not, baby? Just take another slice, I'm immune to pain, honey, this is what you wished for. And here's my cure for heartache.~

 

Lucca steps back a little as he realizes that Caleb is nearing him now. But his legs are shaking in the process. Caleb reaches over and grabs both of his hands. “Wrong,” he simply pointed out. “You belong to me,” he claimed and pulled him close to his chest. His face leans closer to Lucca and without a chance for Lucca to react, he forces a kiss on Lucca’s lips. Lucca tries to push him off only to be pulled in again for another kiss with a force so strong it almost feels like his wrists are bruised and his muscled strained. Caleb explores his mouth with his tongue roughly. He had never been kissed this roughly before. It was as if he is being devoured. It was an angry kiss. It was also a hungry kiss. Lucca refuses to be violated like this. So he bites Caleb on the lips as hard as he can. He can taste blood in his mouth. It only takes that for Caleb to finally let him go.

 

However, instead of being angry or hurt, Caleb only licks his bleeding lips with an amused smile across his face. His eyebrows furrowed a little to indicate pain but he is still smiling and it slowly grows into a sick grin. “Now his stench on you is gone,” he simply commented. “’Cause I’ve murdered it,” he added. He then laughs out loud insanely and walks away from Lucca, brushing his shoulders against him as he went. Lucca stood there silently in shock. He doesn’t know what to make of Caleb for his insane choices of words and actions, he still has that aftertaste pulsation from the kiss on his lips and the lingering rusty taste of blood in his mouth. He also knows that his face is completely flustered red. It was all so frustrating. His heart aches.

 

In the end, he didn’t get anything out of Caleb. He didn’t know anything about Caleb while Caleb could have possibly known more about him now and it is unsettling for him to even venture into the idea. “What have I got myself into?” He softly whispered to himself. “What am I even doing here?” He asked himself silently, covering his face with both of his hands. Tears started to spill down all over his covered face. There’s a deep painful desire in him to just run far away from where he is and never come back. This estate, the house, the people in it, they are all so surreal to him. It was like he is in another world altogether. Oddly, he misses the institution now. That was more of a home to him. He thought of his room back in the institution overlooking the garden. He feels like that’s where he belongs. Maybe someone like him deserved to be locked up. It’s safer there than out in the open like this. Because the people out here are even madder than those inside. The people out here are more dangerous and out of control. He feels like a complete outcast now. He feels like he is the only sane people here. He wishes to escape all this madness and heartache.

 

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LYRICS CREDITS:

Tsukino Migoto (Kino M) – Cure for Heartache

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