There was a time when I believed that if you love someone, you would have to let them go. Not being with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. Sometimes letting go is the best way to love someone. Especially if that ‘love’ in itself is cursed from the beginning. As such as that of the most primal original sin. The sin of incestuous love. I had loved her all my life. I had loved her from the beginning of time. My love for her as Oedipus and sinful as it seems, is only to my own judgement that matters. What others would take of it is of no concern to me. My love for her was pure. My love for her could never be compared to any other forms of love. It is the most unconditional love no one could even begin to understand of.
Oh if only I knew, curse on my innocence and naïveté back then, that she would break my heart in the worst possible way. That woman, she will never be happy with anything. She lives to destroy… and she had destroyed me.
She was the most beautiful, the most exquisite. Everyone envied my father to have married her. I envied my father to have owned her as well. My father was an evil man. Mama… as beautiful as she is, is equally corrupted in her morale. That’s why they were married, I guess. Even though it was an arranged marriage. That’s why to the eyes of others, they look so perfect together. Only I know of her imperfections. Mama had always been a little nervous around me. Ever since I’m old enough to understand adult’s emotions and ideals, she withdrew herself from being around me. Back then, I thought that she resent me for who I have become. I tried my best to be the best at everything. Be it sports, education, social life, and even our not-so-secret notorious mafia life, I excelled at them all.
I completed my first hunt when I was twelve. That means, I first killed at twelve. The hunt here is not the normal deer-hunting as what people would think. It’s human-hunting. It was a big tradition in the five-corners of the mafia families. It’s like a tournament of the best. People were released in the wild, we (the coming of age children from the big five families) were to hunt and kill them. The crueler you are in your hunting, the best you are in the eyes of the big bosses. I was the best. Codrin won it that year. Not any representative from the Vadislav, Klaus, Chenkov, or Ferrogini could surpass my cruelty. At twelve, I was already called the ‘Golden Heir’ because I was the most promising among all families. My father was so proud of me. But the one that I wish to please the most… mama, she just… she didn’t even turn to look at me. Was I such a disappointment in her eyes?
“Eddie, you know, to make sure they’ll bleed to death, twist the knife,” she used to tell me as she twisted the knife that she had dived into the body of a little girl right in front of me. I was made to watch her die. The little girl was my childhood sweetheart. Mama didn’t like her. So she killed her. And I stopped bringing any friends home. After that, she stopped talking to me and she won’t even look at me. Why? Even though I tried my hardest to please her… Why? Instead, she sent me off to a boarding school away from home. And I made it my duty not to show my face to her again. I only went back home on the summer holiday of when I turned seventeen. I brought my girlfriend at the time home. I want my family to meet her. I especially want my mother to meet her.
Mama treated her gently and warmly as if she’s accepting her. And it upsets me. So that night, I sent my girlfriend off to bed and I sat down with mama at the lounging area of the estate, overlooking the garden filled with red roses. The night sky was bright with the light from the beautiful moon. Mama, sitting there calmly on the sofa, looks at me with a smile. “You have grown so much, Eddie,” she said. I almost cried. That was the first time in forever that she directly speaks to me and looks into my eyes. In that moment, she was as bright and beautiful as the full moon in the sky. “You are so cruel,” I said to her, tears sliding down from my eyes. “Why am I cruel, my child?” She asked. She doesn’t appear to be all that curious. She has an all-knowing smile pursed on her lips. And I know that I’m determined to put an end to this, once and for all.
“Mama, you have not forgotten, right? That I have gotten in between your thighs one too many times before?” I asked her directly. She only laughs in return. “How can I forget?” She simply said after she stopped laughing. “It will not happen again,” I stated. Deep inside, I am unsure if I even mean it. She only smiles at me, her eyes look gentle. I wonder if she is regretful? “Exactly why I sent you off oversea. So that it will not happen again, Eddie,” she reminded me. "I have grown too possessive... too obsessive of you. It scared me. I had to sent you away," she elaborated.
“You shouldn’t have started it!” I yelled. The anger I feel deep within me is uncontainable. It almost unbearable. All the confusion, frustration, and fear.
“You never got over me, right?” She asked, wine in hands, as she stands up. She sips the wine from the glass gracefully and calmly. She appears to be unfazed by my emotional state. I wish I could just be as emotionless as her. “Eddie, if you love someone, exploit them, violate them, hurt them,” she advised. There’s malign in her eyes and she flashes a grin only a child would have and she laughs.
“The same way you exploited me, violated me, and hurt me?!” I spat. It was more of an accusation rather than a question and I lost it. I didn't wait to hear what she has to say. I wrap my hands around her neck and started to squeeze it tightly. I heard her choke. But there’s no resent in her eyes. It was as if she had welcomed it. Expected it, even. She wanted me to hurt her. “No…,” I said as I loosen my grip on her neck. “I won’t give you the satisfaction, mama,” I indicated. So instead of killing her, I kissed her. A deep and passionate kiss. I feel her reacting to me as well. When I broke the kiss, she softly said to me; “it was you who exploited me, violated me, and hurt me.” I only smile at her. The same malign way she used to smile. “I agree,” I said. And again, as uncontrollable as it is, as wild and obsessive as I am, as seductive and evil as she is, I got in between her thighs again. That night, I didn’t stop. I went all out on her. I will make sure she will never want any other man to touch her again. Only my touch can ignite her. She has years to compensate me from her withdrawal. I won’t let go. I secretly pray, though I’ve never prayed before, that that night will give me something eternal. I want our love to be eternal.
My prayers were answered. Lucca and Olivia II were born. They were proofs that our love was eternal. Father was away for a few years in Germany, closing a deal with another family there. I got married to Patricia to cover up for the incestuous bonding. Olivia II was born hideous and disfigured. Mama was obsessed with beauty. So she had her killed as soon as she was born. Mama loved Lucca ever so dearly. I was almost jealous of her love for him. She grew obsessed with keeping the incestuous child a secret. Since birth, Lucca suffered from hemophilia. She detests the idea of someone finding out. So we went out on our way to cure Lucca’s illness… unconventionally. A lot of people were sacrificed for their blood to cure my precious Lucca. But their sacrifices were worthy. Lucca was cured. Even father believed that Lucca was his grandson when he returned.
I thought everything was going smoothly. I had everything and everyone I love around me. I felt complete. Until that fateful night when she decided to destroy me. Mama hanged herself from the ceiling in her room. Lucca was also hanged right opposite of her. Father’s body was lying on the ground bathed in blood. I took them down. Lucca miraculously survived but mama did not. She wrote a letter to me that was smeared with blood;
‘If you love someone, exploit them, violate them, hurt them and destroy them. Just as you have done to me. Eddie, I just want you to live and remember me. I’m taking Lucca with me so that you won’t have anything left from me. I killed your father because I don’t want him to hurt you if he found out. I am always haunted by this. By everything. They never left. Someone like me should not have existed in the first place. I love you, Eddie. Our love is eternal. I don’t deserve it. But please, forgive me.’
Lucca is the only proof that you and me, mama, were once lovers. It was wrong. But it was also beautiful. It was unacceptable. But who made the rules? Who decided that it was wrong in the first place? Why can’t we be together? Why did you put the blame on me? I’ll see you again someday, mama. I will remember you. And you are right. Our love is eternal.
