Midway through launching into the whole explanation of what had happened and what our plan was, Noelle abruptly decided on a change of scenery. We wound up wandering through the house until we found Dustin hanging out in a room upstairs that I think could only be described as a ‘study’—it had bookcases lining the walls, small couches upholstered in velvet or something, and one of those tasteful wooden cabinet things that I was certain held bottles of whiskey that were more expensive than my parents’ house.

As Dustin set aside the stack of books he had been flipping through, he brightened up at seeing Noelle. For a moment, I was hopeful that maybe that weird moment from before had passed, and the two of them could go back to normal… but it didn’t take long for the lingering uncomfortable atmosphere to make itself known. I sat down in a huge armchair, trying to get out of the way of everyone else, and the next thing I knew, Noelle had foregone the couch that Dustin was sitting on in order to squeeze in right next to me.

I have to say, it was a little bit hard to remember to pay attention to my posture and keep my knees together in the dress and everything when I had Noelle pressed up against my side. I mean, jeez, it was hard to remember to keep breathing. The chair was big, but it wasn’t that big, and with what I was wearing now, I was all too aware that there wasn’t much in the way of fabric between where our hips touched, bodies close together all the way down to our knees.

Noelle seemed completely unconcerned with this arrangement, though. And Dustin didn’t say anything either, though his eyes kept roving over me, looking me up and down. That’s about when I remembered he hadn’t seen me in the dress yet, either. Given that thought on top of Noelle’s constant physical presence, I developed a sudden interest in staring at a bookshelf off to the side, my cheeks positively glowing red.

At least Sam didn’t seem to pick up on any of the awkwardness, or had the grace to pretend as much. He just plopped down on the couch next to Dustin and then nodded at me and Noelle eagerly. “Okay, so, tell me the rest.”

I stayed quiet as Noelle proceeded to do just that, with Dustin chiming in with his own perspective at points. Between the two of them, the research for the presentation must have been coming together really well. If someone had asked me to explain the project and our plans in detail, I was a little bit afraid that it wouldn’t make any sense at all... but when Noelle and Dustin talked about everything, it all made perfect sense. I felt a little guilty—they had been working so hard, and it seemed like my only contribution to the whole process had just been the dressing-as-a-girl part. To be honest, that hardly seemed like work. 

Once they had finished, Sam just stared at us for a long moment. I could feel Noelle tensing up at my side. Though she was good at hiding it, she did seem to care about what her brother thought of everything.

“That is the stupidest idea that I have ever heard in my entire life,” he finally said. “And I want to be a part of it.”

“What?” Noelle relaxed, but her response was immediate. “No.”

“Why not?” Sam countered. He leaned forward, clearly gearing up for a fight. I could definitely see how the two of them were siblings.

“We already considered that and thought it would be a bad idea,” Noelle said. “We don’t want to have some end reveal that implies that you’re still a girl as a gotcha or something. I’m not going to invalidate your gender.”

Sam’s eyebrows raised, and he looked surprised and a little bit pleased for a moment. But he cleared his throat. “That’s really nice of you, but also I think I get to decide how I feel about my gender.”

Noelle looked skeptical. “But...”

Sam shook his head. “The whole point, at least as you’ve explained things, is to show that it’s all a mess, and that someone assigned one gender in one context, such as by a doctor at birth, can easily choose to present as a different gender in a different context, like their actual lives. That works regardless of whether you’re talking about a cis person who’s putting on a show for some reason, or a genuine trans person who’s happier to be seen as their real gender.”

For some reason, now he was looking at me very intensely again. I swallowed and shifted in place uncomfortably, and that caused Noelle to give me a confused but sympathetic look. Then, of course, she patted me on the shoulder, which only caused me to be more flustered.

“So yeah!” Sam cut his eyes back to Noelle, grinning. “I can help. This way, you and Dustin can handle the actual presentation part, while I show off the masculine gender roles, and in contrast,” he gestured in my direction, “she acts really girly. Would that be good with you, Josie?”

At the use of the name, Dustin did yet another double-take, looking at me while I blushed and stammered out a “Sure.”

He recovered quickly though, looking thoughtful. “It does kind of make sense,” Dustin mused. “Clark will be expecting three of us in the group. But…” He nodded in my direction. “If you ‘get sick’ and have to go home earlier in the day, we have an excuse for our third group mate to be missing. Then when it gets around to Biology in the last period, we can introduce Sam and… Josie… as two unrelated friends who are helping us out with the presentation.”

“Oh!” Noelle chimed in. “We spin it as some kind of crossover opportunity to work with homeschooled kids. Clark would eat that up, given how often ‘homeschooled’ around here means ‘raised by fundamentalist weirdos.’ Maybe this does work, after all.”

For a moment, she and Dustin shared a mutual look of excitement. I was just about to let out a breath, feeling like things between the two of them might be back to normal. But then Dustin’s eyes wandered over to me one more time, and Noelle’s face darkened again. She grabbed my closest arm, intertwining herself around it as she pressed even closer to me. “What do you think, Josie? Will your girl act be all perfected by then?”

“Um. I think…” I shivered, my eyes darting from one person to another. With Noelle so close, and Dustin narrowing his eyes with a completely unreadable expression, and Sam still being weirdly intense every time he shot a glance in my direction, I just felt more overwhelmed than anything. “I think…” I suddenly felt really sweaty and uncomfortable and nervous. What was I supposed to be thinking about again? About being in front of the whole class? I knew that was what I’d signed up for, but suddenly considering it in detail only provided a whole new set of anxieties. I suddenly felt like it was hard to breathe.

I was going to be in front of everyone. I could barely stand being looked at by the three of them, and now I’d be in front of strangers? Well, not strangers exactly: classmates. Which was even worse. And for what? I was going to act like a girl? Without them all seeing right through me? Something lurched in my stomach suddenly, and the pressure felt like it was cranked up enough that I was simply going to break.

“I think... I think I need to get out of this dress,” I choked out.

No one seemed to have expected that, given the looks I received in response. But Noelle reached up, one cool hand cupping my face as she turned my head to look at her. “Yeah,” she said, looking concerned. “You… don’t look so good right now. Why don’t we take a break?” She frowned in Dustin’s direction. “If Sam really wants to be a part of this, you two can figure out some of the details. And Josie and I will work on the girl half of it for a bit. Does that sound good?”

I only vaguely registered their murmurs of assent, and tried to nod myself, still feeling like I was going to explode. Thankfully, I was saved from self-combustion, because the next thing I knew, Noelle was guiding me by the hand through the house and back to her room.

It was only when we were inside, and she sat me down on the bed and let go of my hand, that I started to breathe more naturally and feel a bit better. Noelle backed away, giving me some space, and I felt momentarily torn between missing that physical closeness and feeling newly bad because it wasn't a thing that I should have allowed myself to want. Really, this was just a big mess, wasn't it?

I was embarrassed all over again at getting this overwhelmed for no real reason. I hoped I hadn’t ruined things for everyone. They probably just thought I was weird... And that was fine. They weren’t wrong. Maybe it was better for them to know that now, rather than me to try and pretend to be normal.

I took a deep breath and let it out again slowly, as Noelle gathered together my clothes from before, placing them on the bed next to me. I couldn't look at them, though. I just stared down at the floor, trying to gather my thoughts. I don't know how long I would have spaced out if left to my own devices, until I was interrupted by the touch of a hand against my forehead. Immediately, I jerked back instinctively, and Noelle pulled away, looking guilty.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

“It’s fine! Are you okay?” she asked. “I can leave you alone for a bit if you'd prefer?”

“N-no, please stay.” I chewed on my lip. “If you want to. If you'd rather leave then I understand.”

Noelle gave me a long look, frowning slightly. When she finally spoke, her voice was soft. “Sorry, we kind of pushed you into all of this, and it keeps getting more and more complicated. You don’t have to do this at all, you know. You can always say ‘no.’”

I stayed silent, thinking about that. Was that what I wanted? This was a whole lot, but… I had come this far, too. The thought of letting Noelle and Dustin down felt even more unbearable than being laughed at by the whole class. I could get through this… or at least I could try, and I knew that if I didn’t, I’d regret it. I’d just… gotten a little overwhelmed in the moment. Probably because of the dress. That made sense—it was such a nice dress, and so pretty, but it still felt kind of hard to imagine myself looking good in it.

I looked down at the clothes next to me, the old t-shirt and baggy jeans I had been wearing. Would that make me more comfortable? It’d be more normal, but even at my most normal, I wasn’t particularly comfortable.

“I’ll let you get changed?” Noelle said. She sounded worried, and the slightest bit sad, and something in that combination hit me right in the heart.

“Wait,” I said, more loudly than I expected. “I’m just… thinking. I still want to do the project. And…” I grimaced as I looked down at the boy clothes next to me. “You know, it’d be good to get out of the dress, but maybe I shouldn’t change back just yet after all.”

Noelle’s eyebrows shot up. “Meaning… what?”

“Well,” I said, swallowing nervously. “If we’re going to work on the girl half of the presentation, I should do my best to stay in a girl frame of mind. And so I should wear…” My voice grew quieter and quieter. “...girl… clothes…?”

Yeah. Okay. That was just logical. Sure.

Noelle stared at me. “Okay,” she said slowly. “But not the dress. Maybe just something more casual, then?”

I nodded vigorously.

Noelle looked me up and down, her eyebrows furrowing as if she was trying to work out some kind of difficult math problem. Finally though, she relaxed, a rueful smile appearing on her lips.

“Alright,” she said. “Let’s see what we can do.”

rooibos_chai

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot 'cause I'm in Hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well

Harvey Danger, "Flagpole Sitta" (1997)