I’d never been someone who had particularly vivid dreams. Or at least if I did, they tended to vanish from my memory as soon as I came back to the real world. You know what I mean? The kind of dreams that leaves nothing behind but a sense of wistful sadness, feelings that quickly faded into the ambient weariness of my waking life.

But this time… this time, as my mind floated in and out of the hazy realm of liminal consciousness, I was having the most beautiful dream. It was so vibrant that it somehow felt terribly realistic, even if I also recognized that everything happening was completely and totally impossible.

See, this time, I dreamed that I had somehow gotten myself entangled in the lives of Noelle Campanelli and Dustin Vickers, the coolest kids in school. As if it were nothing at all, a school project had drawn us together into a warm familiarity that made me all sunny inside. I had to suspect that it wasn’t the first time I had this particular dream, but I knew it had to be pure fantasy, because in this dream they didn’t even seem to mind my presence. They liked that I was there.

One scene bled into another: first, I was sitting with Noelle on her bed, knees barely touching as we laughed and talked about homework and class. Then in that fuzzy way of a dream's sudden shifts, I was somewhere else entirely, playing out in the yard with Dustin’s little brother and sisters, while he watched over us with a fond smile on his face.

I realized with pleasant surprise that I was wearing a dress, blue fabric swishing as I twirled in place. Complicated emotions welled up in me as I looked down at my body, which kept flickering between the reality that I knew and something different, something that I felt a deep longing for. But this wasn’t right: not the dress. I had changed out of the dress. Suddenly I was wearing something different, jean overalls that ended in shorts. Under that, I had a bright yellow shirt on—Noelle had said it was very Clarissa Explains It All, which had caused me to giggle, and then she fished some chunky plastic bracelets out of her closet to complete the look. I reached up to my hair, and it was longer now, held back in a ponytail with a scrunchie. Or was it? Or did I just want it to be? I couldn’t quite see it to tell whether it was brown or blonde, and I couldn’t remember why that mattered.

My head spun a little bit. I was just confusing myself. I needed to lie down again, or maybe I already was? It had been such a long day, after all, and I hadn't gotten any sleep at all last night. So that’s why I had lain down, just for a moment. I closed my eyes, relaxing, but then remembered: shouldn’t I be working? Didn't I have that school project or something? Was I leaving all the work to my friends? 

I frowned, heavy feelings circling me again for a moment, but then I felt someone running their hands through my hair and it was hypnotically relaxing. I made a small happy sound, and the fingers stopped, but then I let out a whine and they started gently scratching again.

As if from a great distance, I heard someone say something, but it just sounded like a distant rumbling noise, and I was happy and warm and unconcerned. Somewhat closer and right above me, a more clear voice whispered. “Shh. He’s asleep. Can you go get Dustin?”

Yes, that seemed like a good idea. I wanted Dustin to be here, too. It was silly that I had once thought he was so scary. Maybe he tried to come across that way, but I knew the truth: he was way too nice. I could see it so clearly, shining out in between the things he couldn’t say, and the idea that I could see something in him that others missed only made yet more warmth swell up in me. He should be here, and Noelle should be happy that he was, because the two of them needed to be happy and cute together. That felt important. Yes.

But where was Noelle? Then I realized: oh, those were her fingers. I was lying stretched out on her bed, with my head resting on her lap. I wasn’t sure why that was the case, but I wasn’t going to complain. This really was a very good dream, even if completely and totally unbelievable. Noelle would never actually know who I was. She wouldn’t ever want to be around me.

“You know,” dream Noelle murmured to herself, “you really do look better as a girl than a boy.”

Yes, I liked this dream Noelle a whole, whole lot. Maybe I should just stay this way, then, I tried to say in response to her, though I didn’t use my mouth and so Noelle didn’t seem to hear me. Instead she let out a soft sigh that tugged at my heart a bit. I wanted to reassure her but I wasn’t sure about what. Maybe I just wanted to give her a hug because hugs were good?

“I just don’t understand how you can be so feminine,” she continued. “And…” Her voice grew even more quiet, and tinged with something complicated. “I don’t understand why I like it.”

My forehead wrinkled with sudden uncertainty. I felt even more lost. It sounded like… But that didn't make any sense. She wouldn’t… She wasn’t supposed to like me. I knew I didn’t deserve that, and the sheer ridiculousness of the idea started to upset my fuzzy dream feelings. My eyes fluttered for a moment, opening just a sliver. The dream started to fray at the edges, and I felt that familiar regret at having to return back to reality. 

But the light above me was cut off as a blurry, unfocused shape drew closer in my vision, moving towards where my head rested on… on what, exactly? Where was I lying again? I thought I knew just a second ago, but… I felt something brush against my cheek, as the shape above me became clearer: a face, upside-down. Noelle was so close now that her hair hung down to shade the brief distance between us. I could feel it tickling against my cheeks, and I could see her face, that familiar, beautiful face that I had spent so much time quietly pining after.

This… this wasn’t right. This suddenly felt simultaneously too real and an impossible fiction, the kind of thing that would rapidly shove me back towards consciousness again. But as I tried with more and more panic to piece together the thoughts bouncing around my head, the more frantically I tried to will myself to wake up, I realized: I was awake. This was real.

That was actually Noelle?

I couldn’t quite understand what her expression meant. All I could focus on were her lips, something inside my winding too tight as she bit her bottom lip and then released it. My heart was beating too fast, and I stared in confusion as her face grew even closer to my own. One of her hands carefully cupped the side of my face, turning my head slightly.

Then Noelle kissed me.

She was so hesitant and gentle that at first I barely even recognized her lips grazing my own. But it was unmistakable. My mouth curved in response, responding to hers on instinct rather than any kind of purpose. It was a very chaste kiss... though it wasn’t as if I had much in the way of past experiences to compare it to. Yet even that was enough to leave me completely stunned.

I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. And what about… what about—

“What are you doing?” Dustin said, from across the room. 

Noelle pulled back, far too fast. As she did, she caught sight of me staring up at her and her eyes went as wide as saucers. Had she thought I was asleep entirely? Was I asleep entirely…?

No. I couldn’t quite believe it, but that… that had happened.

I sat up too, pulling myself away from her as my heart hammered in my chest. Dustin was standing in the doorway, a scowl darkening his face. As I turned in alarm to look at Noelle, she put on a plastic smile.

“Hey babe,” she said brightly. “How’s it going?”

Dustin looked disgusted. “Seriously? Are you seriously doing this?”

Noelle hesitated for a second, and I could see the brief moment of uncertainty flashing across her face, before she returned to stony nonchalance. “Don’t be so dramatic,” she said.

“You kissed him,” he burst out. “I saw you do it.” 

Something inside me twisted.

“It was just on the forehead,” Noelle snapped. “Girls do that all the time. I was just showing him. Don’t make such a big deal out of nothing.”

My own eyes widened, and as I looked over, Noelle’s lips pressed into a thin line, one of her eyebrows twitching as if challenging me to disagree.

“It doesn’t matter where it was.” Dustin’s voice grew cold, as he crossed his arms. “I saw you do it. And you know what? I think you wanted me to see you.” 

“What are you even talking about?”

“This is all some twisted game to you, isn’t it? You’re trying to punish me.”

“I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about,” Noelle said coolly. “If you have a guilty conscience about something, maybe that’s something you should think more about on your own time.”

Dustin shook his head. “Unbelievable.”

“I really don't think you should just walk in and throw around wild accusations of—”

“I guess you really are like your parents, after all,” Dustin said.

Noelle pulled back as if he had slapped her. “Excuse me?”

“You heard what I said.”

I finally found my voice, desperate to say anything to make their argument stop. “I— I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. This is all my fault.”

The immediate look of disdain they both gave me felt shattering, and I shrunk into myself, feeling like I was going to throw up.

Noelle just rolled her eyes, but I could see from the tightness in her jaw that she was just as worked up as Dustin was. “See, look, you’re making Josie feel awful. I really think—”

“I’m going home,” Dustin said. He looked at me one last time, his lips twisting into a disappointed frown as he shook his head. It felt far more crushing than if he had punched me or something. Then he turned and stormed out, not even looking back at Noelle again.

I swallowed, not knowing exactly what to do with the feelings of shock and shame and self-hatred swirling around in me. When I glanced back at Noelle, her face was a mask of artificial cool, even though I could see her grabbing onto the bedspread with both hands, twisting with such fury that I thought she was going to rip the cloth.

I opened my mouth, and then closed it again. What could I say? What had just happened?

“You should go too,” Noelle said, turning away from me, and bringing her knees up to her chest as she sat on the bed.

“I-I’m sorry,” I tried again. “You… You could go after him. You two should talk. I’m sure if—”

“Leave!” Noelle said, and the words got caught in my throat.

“Sorry,” I muttered one last time.

Noelle didn’t respond. She wouldn’t look at me.

I somehow got to my feet, stumbling slightly as I made my way out of the room. As soon as I was out in the hall, Noelle must have gotten up, because the door slammed shut right behind me. I could hear the click of it locking, and all I could do was stand there in the hall, completely stunned.

I kept standing there, trying to process everything. As I did, I could hear muffled crying from the other side of the door.

I felt like I was hearing something that I wasn’t supposed to, and my feet dragged as I mechanically forced myself to walk down the hall, making my way out of Noelle’s house.

I still wasn’t sure what happened.

I’m not sure what exactly I had done.

But I knew, with a horrifying certainty: I had ruined everything.