~ At Lily's place ~
As I and my parents step out, they greet Lily's parents, me to greet Lily.
''You look lovely, Dia'' My best friend says
''Thank you, you look a little bit less lovely, Lily'' I say with no remorse even when I see the fake hurt puppy look
''Oh? Maybe I shouldn't give you this birthday gift then?''
''What? Sorry, but you will give it, as it is my birthday present and just like everybody knows, birthdays are the most important card in every situation, you literally have no other choice''
''Right, right, of course, princess, you are correct, so here it is''
And just as she says that I feel her sweet lips on mine, best birthday present ever, I think. Wish it could've lasted a tad bit longer. but my parents are coming back from their talk with Lily's parents about her safety and whatever it is that parents talk about.
''So how'd you like your present?''
''Hmm... 9/10 IGN, would play again''
''Only 9? What do I need to do? Release a DLC or something to get a 10?''
''Perhaps''
''Oh yeah? And what is that DLC?''
''A few more minutes of the runtime of course''
''Of course, but sorry, for the rude reviews about the beta, that's all you're gonna get''
''Seriously? Because I said that you're less lovely? I ain't going to get a longer kiss?''
''Yep'' She says and pops the P
''Jesus Christ, that is evil''
She just laughs and goes sit in the back seat, I am just surrounded by rude people today. Wait no, that's every day. Forgot birthdays don't actually change anything, it's just a basic day with a few more words thrown around and a present or an activity that could be done just as same as any other day, damn me and my brain for thinking anything else of it, even if just for a second.
''Hey Princess, you're coming or what? Because we don't mind using your birthday present without you, ain't going to pass that up'' My dad says with the most straight face possible, and by the look of Lily and my mom, they don't mind at all about what he just said.
Wow.
''Yeah, yeah'' I grumble as I sit back in the car
You're going to do that? Well then, let me pull my secret weapon on y'all rude people.
''Are we there yet?''
''Bloody hell'' All three of them say at the same time
Works every time, the best weapon thought of in the history of mankind in my opinion.
After we stopped, I could finally take off my blindfold, why that was needed is beyond me, for suspense, I guess, but just by driving the way here, I could already guess where and what my birthday gift is, but blindfolding the people you're 'surprising' is a thing, one word, WHY? There's so much wrong with that, accidents are a thing, not to mention all unethical reasons, like how you deprive your loved one's senses for something that they would see any way just for a cheap gimmick that can end in so many bad ways, oh, and keep it in the bed.
So anyway, we are here at Rivington's Go Ape! where you can live a few hours of your life being a Tarzan or something, climbing and zip-lining around, pretty cool, I actually think I am going to enjoy it, but still just because I knew where we were already going, seeing as I wasn't wearing the blindfold the whole way and because they got so miffed about me taking revenge on them for being rude, they ignored me all the way to the place by playing loud music so nobody could hear each other on purpose, I am going to be as stone-faced as possible when they say happy birthday together
''Okay let's go, Diana, we got no time to waste'' My dad says
''Huh?'' Where is my happy birthday
''What is it?'' My mom says as everybody continues walking.
''Uhm...Nothing'' I say as I follow them.
What is happening? Is this not the present? But it has to be, we are literally inside the building where people get the equipment... Okay, now I am just turning dim because I ain't gotta clue on what's going on.
So after getting the equipment for obvious safety reasons, we all start climbing and going through most of the things around the outdoor place to not miss any of the activities, we are having a lot of fun, we talk a bunch, eat some things they sell here, buy souvenirs, but I am still flabbergasted about not getting a happy birthday from my parents, yes I know, that I said that the day is not that special, but it still weird for them not to say it, every single other birthday it'd be either when I get woken up forcefully so they could scream it in my face or when they give the gift or take me to the place, so I am actually getting quite annoyed while trying not to show it
''Hey Dia, well, look here, we saved the best for last, the 200 meters zip line through the Rivington Reservoir, this is going to be great, and you're going to go last, and hey you might get a free DLC after you come''
Lily remarks before springing on her zip line thingamajig and starting her epic Tarzan journey without vines, and her promise did give me back some of my cheeriness
''Princess, my time has come, avenge me'' My dad jokes dramatically while my mom pushes him into the unknown, ha, nice, Frozen reference in my own mind, can't believe I watched that rubbish movie more than thrice...the things I do for Elsa.
''Oh no, the Princess is going to avenge the Fallen King'' My mom also plays along with my dad, while waiting for me to push her.
''You are too weak Evil Witch and now you're going to fall by the hand of your Queen'' I say as best as I can while pushing her a little, making my mom start going over the reservoir.
While I am getting ready for my turn and zip lining over myself, I am still thinking about how I haven't gotten a happy birthday when this is literally the last activity before we go home, something's dodgy is going on and I don't like it. This made me lose interest and break my view away from the reservoir and left me in my brain. Until I heard a tearing sound and suddenly I am falling
''Wha-''
That is all I manage to say before I hit the water hard at a weird angle which makes my arms go numb, as I start to panic and start to try and move my arms so I could get above water, but I realize that I barely can move one of my arms while the other one just doesn't move, by now I am starting to lose air and my need to breathe is increasing and my panic is reaching all time heights, even if somehow magically my arms started working, I am pretty sure I couldn't reach above water fast enough to take in air, as that thought passes through my brain, I am forced to open my mouth and breath, but, all I get is water and more water going to my lungs which makes me scratch myself at my throat and chest from the pain that I am receiving and the immediate need to cough, which only makes more water to pass through and at this point my brain is starting to shut down and the pain turns numb and my last thoughts are, I love you Mom, Dad, and Lily. And it all turns black.
And just as that happens she is taken out of the water by the staff that's all around the water, so no accidents like these could happen, most of the security is around the middle point a lot in-between, but barely any at the endpoint and the start point, which is what happened, her equipment failed at the 22 meters point, and her family and Lily watched as you plummeted into the dark water without floating back up, which made your dad jump into the water from the endpoint and as Lily tried to do the same. she got stopped by the staff that's there, as boats drive to the place you fell in and 'life guards' jump in to try and search for you and reach you so you could be saved, it takes longer than anybody would find survivable, your mom's eyes by now are leaking tears and Lily is still thrasing in the staff's arms to try and jump into the water while her screams turn hollow with tears drying, but it all stops when they see your dad and the security rise up into the boat while dad is holding your lifeless pale body in his arms with tears mixed in his wet body, the security takes your body away from your dad and tries to save you by giving you CPR and pumping your chest a bunch of times, but it just doesn't work and the last thing that can be heard as the security says that you're dead is the piercing scream of your dad that's heard all the way back at the start of the 200m journey, which makes your mom faint and Lily to fall on her knees with a blank stare.
And you died without getting another sweet little kiss from your best friend. Without ever knowing what was the actual birthday present, which was the test results about your new baby sister. And last, of all, you perished without getting to hear the only words you wanted to hear all of that day your parents saying.
'Happy birthday'
~ End of Prologue part 2 ~
Whoa that is a good start. Usually I skip the prologue since it's never important but I liked reading this one haha. At the end you switched third person to second I guess it's a mistake?
Yeah. That was honestly hard to read.
Most of this was in first person, not third.
Wtf it goes from first to third to second person in like a paragraph. Gave me whiplash and is kinda difficult to read due to the sudden shifts in perspective.
I love you Mom, Dad, and Lily. And it all turns black
First
happens she is taken out
Third
watched as you plummeted
Second
@Snoodle_Booper This is not the first time I answer this and it won't be the last. But basically, this is the first glimpse of this universes' creatures, for you see, the 'Narrator' is an actual being, therefore it talked the words that the 'soul' of Diana would hear, at first Diana was narrating her own thoughts, but the moment she died, it turned into the Narrator doing it to her and subsequently the audience which is all of you readers. Some more stuff like that will happen eventually. To get more introduced to the narrator, check out the 'universal lounge', I think it's either the 2nd or the 3rd one that shows off more of the 'Narrator'. The Narrator can and will change perspectives as it pleases. That's its job. The only thing it shouldn't do is break its character during the job.
@CrimsonLust First, Third, Second. Maybe it's just a matter of how smooth it was? You were granny shifting, not double clutching like you should.
@CrimsonLust A narrator's "job" is to relay events, circumstances and details of a story to others who were not present when the story was actually unfolding. Swapping perspectives, especially as fast as this, is a bad writing practice and habit.
@Maddhawk I'm reluctant to throw out condemnation like that. The Author has put some reasoning behind it, so it might just be a case of a good idea with bad execution. I'd say to not give up, and to try to find ways to improve the execution if it's something they feel strongly about. If every author followed every rule all the time, then novels would get way too boring.
@Scarecro First, I'll readily admit I am probably one of the harshest critics anyone will likely see. This is especially true for anyone asking for money. You want money? I want a professional product.
As always, all criticism, regardless of source, should be taken with a grain of salt. My feedback, from the harshest to most praising, should be taken as just one person's thoughts and opinions. I do not presume to speak for others.
The author can have all the reasons for the world for what they do and how they write. At the end of the day, it is, ultimately, irrelevant in the face of how it comes across to the reader.
**The exception to this is when the author IS the intended reader, i.e. when you write a note, memo, or reminder of some kind to yourself. Then the only person that matters is the author.
When you are writing to convey some kind of idea, whether it be a story, some kind of logical or factual bit of knowledge, some drama that took place somewhere and with some people... then audience is what matters the most.
You can have the greatest idea since sliced bread and Shakespeare, however poor execution and bad writing practices can destroy your effort to convey it. Proper grammar and spelling help a lot, but are not nearly as essential as maintaining a smooth flow of delivery in a story. I'll provide an example.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/634341/city-of-desire-kingdom-building/
The story above is titled "City of Desire: Kingdom Building". It has a very novel approach to the classic isekai genre. The protagonist is building a merchant empire. He isn't an adventurer, he isn't a hero, he isn't destined to become some great god, hell, he doesn't even have a harem; despite the harem tag.
The author does not speak English as a native language. It is clear English is very much a second or even third language. Given their posting schedule, I suspect they are from Asia somewhere. As such, their grammar leaves much to be desired. Spelling is, once in a while, an issue. Sometimes words are straight up missing and our minds have to fill in the blank given past information provided. They also have a habit of repeating what they have told us a lot. Finally, there are some gaping logical inconsistencies in the world building.
All that said, the story still FLOWS pretty well. The flaws do not actually hinder the telling of the story in any major way. Combine that with the novelty of the merchant approach to an isekai, it has been an entertaining story to follow. With the flaws taken into account, I gave that story a solid 3 stars, "I like it, but there is much work to be done before I'd rate it higher."
Now, another example.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/664073/rebirth-of-the-nephilim/
This story is called "Rebirth of the Nephilim". This is one of the very few stories I have given a 4 star rating. 5 stars is reserved exclusively for stories I think would do well being professionally published in paperback and hardback by a traditional publishing house like Tor Books and Baen Publishing.
This story is by someone who is a native English speaker. The spelling and grammar is excellent. There has been very very few flaws in the technical execution of their writing. The story flows extremely well. It is also told in the 3rd person, so when the MC does something that I necessarily wouldn't do in their shoes, it doesn't throw me out of the story the same way a 1st person narrative does.
For that very reason, no story told in the 1st person can ever exceed a 3-star review, no matter how much I like the story. And, there have been stories told in the 1st person I really wanted to give higher scores to. Stories such as "Trouble with Horns".
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/55539/trouble-with-horns/
Going back to "Rebirth of the Nephilim", the narrative does what narration traditionally does. The author follows conventions on writing. Instead, they exercise their creativity not on trying to be novel in how they write, but in what they write. On that score, they are doing quite well. Their story is, in my opinion, the ideal litrpg isekai story. I'm actually borderline willing to call it a 5 star story. Question would be how would a retail publisher approach and handle the sexual aspects of it? I know many stories with lots of s*x get published all the time, but I don't know how they go about deciding how such scenes are to be handled.
Which brings me to something I'd like to address in conclusion:
If every author followed every rule all the time, then novels would get way too boring.
Rules exist for a reason. These the things that help us be better communicators. Better storytellers. They weren't made up by committee, though some have tried to do just that. They weren't made up by some know it all, literary tyrant. They were made up by society as a collective over a period of time spanning millennia. From the days of the ancient Greeks to our modern times, story telling has evolved. That evolution has been guided and shaped by the opinions of those who read the stories written by their creators and either embraced those stories... or rejected them.
If the stories you see are getting too boring, then perhaps it is the nature of the tale that is getting stale? I firmly believe that a writers creativity is best reserved for the tale they wish to tell. On that note, I wish all writers much success, and remember, tell the story you want to read, not what you think others will want to read.
@Maddhawk Hey. You're preaching to the choir on this one. I mostly agree with what you've said. What I meant was that there's always a niche appreciation for quirky stuff, even though personally I haven't seen evidence that this author could pull it off. It's just that I think the author will grow and be more experienced if they manage to execute their ideas, even if after exciting it well, it still turns out to not be an enjoyable read.
PS. Even in the case of a self memo etc, it's the reader that matters most, not the author. If you put a reminder somewhere to read when you're drunk or tired, then you can't write it as you would when addressing something to your current sober self.
I my case, I often face-palm when looking at my old software code, because I forgot to explain something that was 'obvious' to me at the time, and didn't see the need to annotate for future me who has already moved on to many other projects.