The furthest I can remember was back when I first started in elementary school.

I got the highest score out of my class for our first test.

My teacher praised me. My classmates congratulated me. I was genuinely happy at that time for the marks I'd received.

But when I showed it to my parents, they were utterly disappointed by it.

Because... it wasn't a perfect score.

"What is this?" my father said. "How could you make such a simple mistake?" he added.

"He's right, Rei." my mother agreed with him. "Are you trying to embarrass us? Why didn't you get perfect marks?" she glared down at me.

"I-I..."

I couldn't say anything to them. Mainly because to me at that time, they're my parents and I'm their child. So I couldn't say anything that would seem disrespectful or disobedient to them. Hence, at that time, my body froze and words failed to come out of my mouth.

"Rei..." my father then said to me. "Don't forget. You are our child. It should only be natural for you to be perfect at everything. Therefore, on your next test, get a perfect score, is that clear?"

"...Y-Yes... father... mother..."

"Also, never smile like that again. It's creepy."

"...Yes... father..."

On my test, I got the perfect score like my parents wished. Ecstatic again, I rushed into my father's office to show it to him.

"Father! Father! Look. I got the perfect score like you asked for."

"So?" my father said in response.

And from that one word, my excitement plummeted.

"I'd told you. You are our child. You are a Hoshimiya. Therefore, it is only natural that you get a perfect score on your tests. It's nothing to get so excited about."

"But I..."

I worked hard to get it. I studied so that I won't make a single mistake on the questions. So I wanted praise for it; I wanted you to at least say "You've done well" to me, father...

In the end, I didn't say all of that. Because somewhere in me knew that the feeling would not be reciprocated. So I kept my mouth shut. And then, my father said to me.

"Also, Rei, didn't I tell you not to smile like that again? It's creepy and unsightly to your beautiful face."

Those words stung me painfully as I lowered my head and bitterly replied, "I'm sorry, father..."

From then on, I did my best not to smile again. Not to feel happy again. Whenever I get perfect scores on my test papers, whenever I do anything else "perfectly", I wouldn't express a single hint of joy on my face. Causing me to forever maintain a stoic face somewhere down the line; a face that my parents approved of, because it emphasised my "beautiful face" to its utmost capability.

Even though to me, I just looked gloomy in the mirror.

Later on, as I grew up, my parents began making me do all sort of things that would make me "perfect" in their eyes.

Piano, violin, dance, calligraphy, art, etiquettes, table manners and many more. They filled my days with nothing but various lessons I did not want to do in order to groom me into the perfect child of their own image, as they kept me from going out of house, besides needing to go to school, and arranging curfews for me, so that I wouldn't stay out too long.

It was hell. But I followed them without question.

Because they were my parents. And because I wanted their acknowledgement. Therefore, I did whatever they tell me to do.

However, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put my work in, they never looked my way. Every time I showed the result of my effort, they sighed, saying it was not enough. So I put in more effort, to the point where I sacrificed some hours of sleep to ensure that I become "perfect" for my parents.

This went on as I become a junior high school student.

The junior high school I attended then was a rich ladies' school. The kind you would mostly find in shojo manga.

Everyone there was almost like a snobbish, arrogant rich girl, whom I had grown to dislike. So, I avoided them like the plague. Not wanting to have to do with anything with them. Besides, I still had my own things to do as arranged by my parents and therefore, didn't bother making friends with any of them during my junior high school years.

Looking back, perhaps I should have befriended some of them at least. Because then I would not regret as much about not making any friends as I moved up to become a high school student.

But before that happened, while I was about to graduate from my final year of junior high, my parents called me in one day. They told me... that I no longer needed to do the things they made me do and that I can do as I please from now on.

I was appalled and quite reasonably... confused. Although it was probably not shown on my face, I was clueless as to why they would tell me that all of a sudden; to allow me to stop.

Have they finally acknowledged me? I wondered if that was the case.

Unfortunately, I was far off, as I soon realised the reason why.

"Ah..."

So that's how it is...

As I watched my parents give my little brother all the love and affection I desired, I knew then and there that my goals were nothing more than a fleeting dream.

My parents gave up on making me their perfect child. That was the truth which I had accepted; the truth that I was never loved and will never be loved by my parents.

Because I was a disappointment to them.

I did not complain. I did not cry. Not because I wasn't upset, but because I just didn't how to cry at the time. I didn't how to be angry at the time. So those emotions simply bottled up within me as I accepted things as they were.

So, I gave up on trying to receive my parents' attention and walked the other way.

I was free from the hell they put me in. Yet, I felt empty as my life then was unfulfilled.

I wanted to change that. I wanted to make the life I had somewhat fulfilled. So, after some time of lamenting, I set myself a new goal: To make friends when high school starts.

And to do that, I needed to change myself. So I began working on that.

I bought a gaming PC and games that were overall popular.

I began reading manga and watched anime that most people loved.

I started doing all sorts of activities that would help me in making friends and I really enjoyed doing them.

And once I had learnt a lot about those things, I began creating a new persona for myself. One that isn't gloomy and boring, but fun and pleasant to hang out with.

First impressions are important. And I wanted to make sure that my new classmates' first impression of me was someone they can get along with.

So, despite not doing it for a long time, I practiced my smile. In front of a mirror, I adjusted it. I refined it. I made sure I wouldn't make the creepy smile that my father hated and practiced to maintain a smile that was cheerful and pleasant for the next few months until my first year of high school started.

Then, it was the moment of truth.

The high school I chose to attend was a not a prestigious institution, but a normal one. My parents did not even care, so as long as I didn't stain the family name with "bad" marks.

I entered my new school, found my class, grabbed a seat and sat down, waiting for moment when we all introduced ourselves to the rest of the class.

So then, what happened next? What did you think I'd said when it was my turn to introduce myself? What did you think I did to make an impression?

"My name is Rei Hoshimiya... Nice to meet you."

And that was it.

There was no smile, no cheerful body movements, no mentions about me liking games and anime that could have helped me attract some like-minded people to me.

All I did was say my name and bowed to the class in a graceful manner, which I had learnt how to act in such a way from my parents' lessons.

I had completely blew it.

Months of practice, wasted, as I had failed to make an friendly impression of myself.

As a result, no one in my class became my friend. In fact, they seemed to be avoiding me for some reason.

Did I fail so badly that they ended up not liking me? I wondered. But even if that was the case, I didn't want to give up just yet.

I tried to join in some of the conversations. But each time I approached a group, I ended up not knowing what to say to them and would always leave before even trying.

It was then that I'd realised I lacked basic communication skills with people other than my parents, whom I still barely talked to.

I didn't know what to say to people to start up a conversation. I didn't know how to express to people about the things I wanted to do with them.

Perhaps if I had learned to communicate with the rich girls at my junior high school, then perhaps something would have changed. But I didn't. I'd focused on myself at the time and that ended up coming back to bite me in the ass.

"Ah..."

Once again, my goal was getting further and further away. And I wasn't sure if I could ever reach it or not.

Perhaps, that was the fate of someone who wasn't born perfect. Perhaps, that was path I was meant to take.

An unending road that will always leave me unfulfilled... even after I die.

Pathetic, ain't it?

Not sad. Not tragic. Not comical... Ok. Maybe a little comical. But pathetic nonetheless.

That is who I am.

That is who Rei Hoshimiya was.

An utter disappointment. To her parents... and to herself.