Chapter 47—The photograph

by Bocchan13

Lan Zhou didn’t want to miss even one second with Song Yu. The desperation in his situation was laughable but oh so bittersweet. Lan Zhou felt that this morning, he really would never see Song Yu again. The impeding time was pounding into his very bones. As he held Song Yu tightly in his grasp, he couldn’t help but tremble.

“Let me stay with you. Let me be with you forever. I’ll take care of you. Wash your dishes, clean your house…but please don’t throw me away…”

All of the words he could never voice out came out in small whispers too quiet for human ears. Lan Zhou spoke sweet nothings to Song Yu’s sleeping body, his hands trembling as it tried to burn every surface of Song Yu’s; trying to remember this feeling.

By the time he finished, La Zhou knew that he would recognize Song Yu for the rest of his life. Even when he wore the clothes that hid his beautiful face, or under the cover of darkness, Lan Zhou would recognize him by his touch or presence.

 If Song Yu died and all he had was bones, Lan Zhou would still recognize him. This man…Song Yu would never know the pain of being forgotten. As Lan Zhou vowed for forever, when morning came and he had to leave…Song Yu would be in his heart forever.

Lan Zhou had cried many times in his life, however this bitter sourness was a feeling he never knew existed. A small pool of tears cascaded down his cheek onto the pillow. Lan Zhou was fearful as the sky brightened and the sun ascended. He got up and looked down at Song Yu’s tired face. He leaned down and kissed him before getting up and changing clothes.

Slowly and carefully, he left the room.

“Do you think he would let us stay?”

Lan Zhou swerved around and locked gazes with the team. Everyone had on their rubber body suits and hunting gear. Each holding a backpack filled with food. Squinty was beside them, wagging his tail. Lan Zhou smiled bitterly and shook his head.

No one was disappointed. As the apocalypse goes, Song Yu’s charity was more than they could pay in a lifetime. A week of happiness and warmth was worth it. Lu Jingxiu patted Lan Zhou on his back.

“At the very least, you know that Song Yu will be happy and safe here. That’s all that matters.”

Lan Zhou nodded, but his response was quiet,

“What can I do to make him love me? Love me enough to stay by his side?”

The entire group hugged Lan Zhou, trying to comfort this man.

“Song Yu loves you. Maybe in another few years, Song Yu will feel safe enough to let you in.”

Lan Zhou was not comforted by this. The apocalypse was an unpredictable thing. Even if he knew about certain events and lived for more than 2 decades, it still didn’t mean he would be lucky a second time. He could die tomorrow.

What then?

Lan Zhou shook his head sadly.

“We will wait for Song Yu to wake up. I’m not mean enough to leave while he’s sleeping. I want to say goodbye to his face.”

Everyone nodded and agreed. Squinty yipped a little bit and scurried to the basement to get them a basket for breakfast. They all removed the new backpacks and sat around the island talking quietly about their new direction, waiting for Song Yu to wake up.

…

Song Yu had heard everything. He woke up when Lan Zhou got up to get changed. He wanted to speak, but his voice choked in his chest. Lying on the bed, he rubbed his temples and sighed.

When he heard those heartbreaking words, Song Yu sobbed.

Why can’t I let him in? Why can’t I love him enough to stay?

Because the last time you did, you died by yourself; forever betrayed by those people you gave your heart to.

Can’t I try again? Can’t I love again?

You can…you can…but I don’t want you to.

Why?

Because you’re going to get him killed again.

What?

Because we are a parasite on others; we don’t deserve his love. We will kill him one day.

I don’t understand.

You will one day. Let him go.

I don’t remember.

I’m not letting you remember.

Let me see it.

No.

Let me see it.

No.

Song Yu felt the frustration in his very bones. His mind had forgotten something very important. It didn’t want him to see. Didn’t want him to understand.

It was saving him from something. But what?

Song Yu got up eventually, his eyes haggard and bleak. He looked at himself in the mirror again and the face overlapped with his 45 year old self. What happened to him?

Song Yu’s head hurt.

He finally got dressed and went downstairs to see everyone. Lu Jingxiu was in the kitchen preparing eggs whilst Wang Cheng had drizzled syrup on a 12 stack pancake. Lan Zhou was drinking coffee on the side and his eyes lit up when he looked at Song Yu.

“You’re up early. You could sleep for a little bit longer.”

Song Yu gave a small smile, his pale lips tightening. Lan Zhou looked at him, worry creasing his features. He immediately went to Song Yu and helped him on a seat.

“Did we…do it too much last night?” Lan Zhou whispered lightly in his ears.

Song Yu blushed a bright red and wanted to smack him, but refrained when he saw the rest of the crew looking at him with worried eyes.

“I’m just a little tired…nothing is wrong.”

Still blushing, he sat on the stool and watched as the rest of the breakfast was being made. Lu Jingxiu had cooked two eggs per person whilst Wang Cheng made another 12 stack of pancakes. Xiao Zi and Yu Ci poured milk and orange juice in cups whilst Lan Zhou prepped coffee.

Song Yu looked at this bustling scene and once again felt warmth. He didn’t mind that they used his food. Squinty who had given them the portions was as stingy as Song Yu. They didn’t complain about the set meal they were given and always praised Song Yu for his hospitality.

Song Yu rubbed his forehead again. He wanted them to stay, but like the voice of reason said…he was not allowed to. Song Yu could feel the last wall collapsing in his heart, but his voice choked again before he could utter another word.

Song Yu…stop. This is for your own good.

No it’s not. If it was, you would let me do this.

I don’t want us to suffer anymore, please.

Song Yu shivered as his mind traversed through his memories. Ye Xin and his friends all laughing one minute, then throwing him in the pit the next…the feeling of coughing up blood as he overused his abilities, the mindless days in his bunker, trying to recuperate for weeks on end…his heart beat sporadically as his brain went into overdrive.

Stop! Song Yu!

Song Yu huffed, a trail of sweat gliding down his back. He was back in the kitchen. Lan Zhou worriedly put his hand on his forehead.

“You have a mild fever.”

Squinty heard the word fever and ran to get some medicine. Xiao Zi also washed his hands and approached Song Yu, checking his pulse and temperature.

“It’s mild, but you should go to bed and get some rest.”

Song Yu shook his head.

“This is your last day. I want to see you before you go,” he whispered gently. Lan Zhou cupped his chin with both hands and pecked his pale lips.

“I know. We are leaving in an hour, so let’s just enjoy each other’s company.”

And they did just that. The breakfast was delicious and Song Yu took a fever reliever pill. They cleaned up and got dressed. Song Yu saw them get their backpacks. Squinty had put in enough food to last them a few weeks.

Song Yu stood silently as they finished preparations. When everything was done, all six slowly made their way to the gate. Lan Zhou and Song Yu didn’t speak, but held hands. Lan Zhou especially grabbed on tightly, taking everything in one last time.

Simply engraving Song Yu’s appearance. He willingly, without sound or words, without regrets or complaints to live life with freedom. That’s all he ever wanted Song Yu to have…even if his life didn’t involve him in it.

Lan Zhou hated that the world was so unpredictable, and hated himself for being powerless to return to that time. Lan Zhou smiled as they reached the gate. Everyone filed out of the gate and gave the two some time to talk. Lan Zhou slowly grabbed both hands, each finger interlocking with each other’s.

“What if I told you that I don’t care about this place? If you tell me to leave, I will leave. But I’m taking you with me?”

A small tilt to his chin, Song Yu tried desperately not to look, but Lan Zhou was adamant. Finally, Song Yu stared at Lan Zhou. Deep eyes that spoke more than the words Lan Zhou just spoke. Eyes filled with sadness.

Filled with sorrow.

Lan Zhou…meant that.

He really did.

Song Yu felt the walls surrounding his heart crush to dust. Lan Zhou’s conviction was true. Lan Zhou…really does like him.

Lan Zhou observed Song Yu’s reaction before he chuckled lightly,

“I’m kidding.”

Lan Zhou fiddled with his breast pocket and took out a crumpled up photo. Song Yu saw it was taken at the hairdressers place. Streaked with dirt, creases and maybe some blood, it looked pitiful beyond belief.

“I carried this with me through every trial, every battle, and every argument. I showed this to every leader, every citizen, and every child. I don’t want anything from you Song Yu. I just wanted to know if you were alive and okay. Seeing you now, I can leave with a peace of mind.”

Song Yu eyes misted over when he saw that the picture had gone through so many trials. More than what he experienced in this life. This photo accompanied Lan Zhou when it should have been him.

Song Yu, who trusted no one, could feel that wall chisel away with every word Lan Zhou spoke. Lan Zhou’s voice carried resignation and hardship. But it was still filled with hope. A hope Song Yu did not have.

Song Yu realized that Lan Zhou did not change with the zombie apocalypse; he was still the man who gently held his hand after lovemaking, twining their fingers together with a small smile lighting the corner of his lips.

No. The one who changed was him.

I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Song Yu now wanted to rewind back to that time. If he had known. If only he had known how much this man felt for him.

If only they had met in their first life.

Those 20 years of bitter loneliness would have been bearable with Lan Zhou by his side.

And what’s stopping him from having that happy ever after?

It was himself who threw him away.

Song Yu let him go.

Song Yu?

Listen to me, Song Yu!

I’m not going to listen anymore. I need Lan Zhou. I love him.

Stop Song Yu! You don’t know! Please!

Song Yu trembled as he touched the photo. Lan Zhou was his forever home. His safe shore. Why was he worried about the future, when he had none without Lan Zhou?

Lan Zhou pressed the photograph in his palms, before gradually letting his own slip from his fingertips. Lan Zhou walked slowly away, his back trembling with every step. Song Yu knew what he had to do.

His voice cracked as his eyes misted with tears.

“S-Stay.”

Lan Zhou looked up in shock as Song Yu’s cried in front of him. Tears flowed down freely, Song Yu spoke once more, louder.

“Stay with me.”

Lan Zhou smiled, his nose souring. He grabbed Song Yu tightly and kissed him.

“Okay. I’ll stay with you.”

Bocchan13

Ummm...*scratches head* I'm sorry! I haven't posted in a while because...I'm going to move! To a brighter and more vibrant home than the single room apartment in the darkness mwahahaha! I will continue to write and update as soon as I finish a chapter! I''ll keep up the work and hope you guys are satisfied!! Thank you to Ko-fi Supporter for donating 9$ to my Ko-fi!