(Fuck this.)

I think to myself as I lay on the hospital bed. With my consciousness fading, I can barely move or even think straight. All thanks to the oxygen mask and IV pumping fluids and whatever painkillers they decided to try this time.

(Cancer is a real bitch.)

After listening to the rhythmic beeping of the machines next to the bed for longer than any sane person should, I close my eyes for a final time and let myself drift away as one final loud and long beep echoes through the lonely room.

=====

"Welcome!" A bright and way too cheery female voice is the next thing that I hear. 

Opening my eyes, I'm greeted with the sight of a blindingly white room that I don't recognize. Sitting at a table in front of me are a man and woman who would put models to shame.

The man is wearing a loose fitting white robe going over one shoulder and exposing most of his chest. He just looks at the woman who greeted me so enthusiastically with a tired expression. Blond hair that seems to be shining, and a face and body that would be on the cover of a Calvin Klein ad. My eye twitches for a moment as I get the urge to punch this handsome motherfucker.

Seemingly oblivious to his plight, the woman is smiling at me as wide as any Cheshire Cat depiction I have seen. Her black hair is so dark it seems to absorb light, but contrasts nicely with her loose fitting white robe. 

(If this isn't some sort of stereotypical development then I don't fucking know what is.)

"Bingo!" The woman said. 

I'm already tired of this. "And let me guess. You both are gods and can hear my thoughts."

In a calm and clear voice, the bastard answers. "That is correct."

(Riajuu explode.)

I was never a bad looking man, at least I didn't think so before my health went to shit. Average to slightly above is what I would call myself. But this handsome normie's face just pisses me off.

While giggling, the woman continues. "See, see, see! I knew he would be a great choice!" 

"Well, he does meet the criteria. However, he obviously has some issues with the form I chose. Moving on. Let us introduce ourselves. I am the God of Order and this is the Goddess of Chaos. Together, we oversee all of the worlds in the realm next to the one you had just lived in. We also give you our condolences for your death."

He certainly doesn't sound sorry. Like a DMV employee telling you that you forgot a paper and have to come back later. As insane and sudden as this turn of events was, I was still able to keep myself calm.

I was never really religious, but who knows what actually happened after dying. 

I also watched enough anime and read enough novels to almost sigh at this overused trope of a situation.

Rubbing my temples, let's move this along. "Going along with the flow of this, I died in my world and you brought me here for some specific reason. Either to defeat a Demon Lord or some other 'Big Bad' with a Holy Sword and cheat powers. Together with a harem of clingy one dimensional beautiful women, complete with a glass cannon loli mage."

Chaos bounces up and down like an excited child. "Close! But not quite! We would like to ask for your help, though. Because of the rules, we can't interfere directly with our worlds and can only nudge them a wee bit without getting in trouble. Getting in trouble is no fun. 

"We saved up some time waiting for a soul like yours, so we may be able to help a little a time or two, but harming anyone directly is a big no-no. That's where you come in! We want you to destroy the Church of the Holy Sun and the Holy Empire!"

I stare unblinkingly at the smiling 'Goddess.' These damn gods. What the fuck type of Isekai, Hell difficulty, objective is that? 

"You both wouldn't happen to be 'Evil Gods' would you?"

Order heaves a sigh before answering. "That we are not. Each realm has a pair of gods that oversee the worlds to balance each other. By no means are one or both of us 'Evil.'"

"Then could you explain about the whole regicide thing?" 

"Of course." He sits up a bit straighter. "To summarize the current situation, for over a millennia, the Church of the Holy Sun led by the Holy Emperor has controlled the lands of the humans. 

"We don't care if people believe in us or pray to us or what have you. Organized religion will have no effect on us as we are limited in how we can interact with the worlds.

"While the other races still recognize us as the world's deities for the most part, the Church of the Holy Sun was created with a fictional god, Sol, as their source of worship."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! They call me an Evil Goddess because I like to have fun! I mean, sure, too much Chaos can be a bad thing, but that's why there are two of us!"

Order nods. "Quite right. And I am referred to as merely a fake deity to the human masses. To them, only the 'heretics' and 'lesser' races believe in us.

"Over the centuries, enough corruption and oppression has spread within the Empire that it has caused mass stagnation of the world. There is little hope of change without intervention of some sort. 

"We could always allow it to continue regressing until civilization eventually resets itself. The history of mortals is nothing if not cyclical. However, your soul became available. That gives us an opportunity to potentially correct the course of this world.

"The oracles we have sent have been either ignored or twisted in recent times. The remaining two races, Elves and the Dwarves, have secluded themselves in their lands after centuries of warring against the Empire.

"The Empire has also paused their attacks on the other races. Focusing more on controlling their own citizens now that the other races are no longer involving themselves. 

"We created this world needing there to be interactions between the races. For us to cultivate souls, worlds like this are needed. 

"The Empire has made all of the races suffer and the world is out of balance. For the stagnation to end for all of the races, we need them to interact with each other and build working relationships once again."

I could understand a bit about where they were coming from, although that still left a major issue.

When I thought of the daunting task of taking on an empire potentially filled with religious zealots, I just didn't see how any choice in this situation could end well.

"Wouldn't overthrowing the Empire leave an enormous void in power that would just lead to the same situation again?"

"Not yet!" Chaos said. "If we waited a couple more centuries then it almost certainly would. Another millennia and they would all just wipe the board clean anyway.

"We worked really, really, really, hard on this world! The worlds with magic take a lot more work to make, but are so much fun! And ones with a built in [system] are even harder. And it's not like everyone there is bad. Many of the people are still 'good' people.

"But! Those meanies in charge have their foot on the gas, speeding towards a cliff. The passengers can't reach the pedal, so they're just dragged along. Compared to the passengers, the driver is strong, untouchable, and nobody can do anything to stand up to them."

Alright, it's not completely lost yet, but not going well. And, [system]? 

"I assume the [system] refers to levels, skills, magic, and such?"

"Correct," Order said. "You would describe it as an ethereal heads up display with windows and a menu that you can access and quantify certain aspects of yourself. By absorbing a portion of the essence of living beings, you will gain 'levels' and additional power along with them."

Stereotypical RPG game mechanics then. Should be interesting at the very least. Even if I was never great at them, I did enjoy playing casually. 

"I take it, along with the humans, elves, and dwarves, there are things classified as animals and monsters. Is there anything else like demons or fairies or other beings?"

"Nope! Well, not anymore. There used to be vampires. About a millennia ago, the Empire forced them to extinction and really messed up the balance of the world's races. But with you as a vampire, that can be fixed now!"

These gods. "What the hell do you mean 'with me as a vampire?'" Don't fuck with me!

"Just that, silly pants!" That same cheerful smile never leaves her face. "When you arrive on the world, you will no longer be a human! You will be the first of the vampires again! I'll personally remake your body, and we'll make you a progenitor so that you can rebuild the race!"

I feel like there is no room for argument on this. "Why would the gods want there to be vampires? Don't they suck people's blood, turn people into more vampires, and basically become immortal murder machines that multiply like a virus?" 

Order crosses his arms and nods. "They can be, though we decide the parameters of each race in each world. It is true that they do drink blood. Of the races, only humans can be changed into a vampire, and only if the vampire is a progenitor. 

"The human must also agree to it with a [system] prompt that cannot be coerced or accepted under threat. In this world, we wanted to avoid vampires just taking over completely. As you said, unbound, they can multiply like a virus. Hence the prompt.

"We also do not want you to turn everyone you can into a vampire. As you will learn in time, it is like handing someone a powerful weapon. Not everyone should have access to it. 

"We need humans just as much as the other races. As you will see when you become stronger, vampires could very easily break the balance of the world and it could snowball out of control. 

"They are not inherently bad or evil, anymore than anyone else. Their reputation in this world was skewed by the church and they were made out to be something that they were not. The church even had some support from the other races, and so they were hunted to extinction. 

"For most of the vampires, the blood of the races paled in comparison to the blood of a monster. While they can drink the blood of the races, it was never something that was sought after."

Vampire does not equal evil. That's good at least. Still doesn't answer my main question though.

"Then why change me to a vampire, Order?"

"That would be to balance the other races and to act as a check on them once again. A strong moderator, if you would. 

"The vampires of this world were intended to be a pillar for all the races. Without aging, they would be a pillar to support the other races as they changed and grew. 

"Each of the four races has their strengths and weaknesses. Humans are decent with weapons, and magic. However, their true strength comes in their ability to multiply quickly. Even with the shortest lifespan.

"Elves have a very long lifespan, but are low in numbers. Where they lack in large melee weapon capabilities compared to the others, they make up for with superior magic. They are nimble swordsmen and capable archers in their forests. 

"Dwarves have incredible strength and excel in heavily armored melee combat, but lack magical talent. They are also between humans and elves in terms of lifespan and numbers."

Makes sense. "What about the vampires?"

Chaos fields that one. "They are the best and worst! They were always my favorites! They are extremely strong, agile, and great at magic!

"Vampires are partially made of mana, making them immortal and immune to sickness or disease! They can heal themselves from most injuries given the time. Even regrowing lost limbs!

"But they can only increase in numbers with a progenitor and a human. Vampires can't make babies, no matter how much fun you have between the sheets.

"Even if you turn a pregnant human into a vampire, their body will forcibly try to end the pregnancy as their body changes.

"A vampire of the same system level as someone from the other races will almost always win with other factors equal. This is balanced with their super huge weakness to sunlight and light magic which can easily kill them."

That almost sounds like… "You wanted vampires to be the stereotypical Italian mom with a wooden spoon. Keeping everyone in check. But she's gone now, and the kids are getting into some kind of Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone, nonsense."

"Ding, ding, ding!"

"Then, Chaos, how did they all die? I would prefer to avoid that. Again."

"That was because the church convinced everyone that they were crazy murder hobos that were a threat to everyone around them. Their weakness to light also played a part in making them out to be dark, scary, and evil beings. The vampires also didn't try to interact much or correct misunderstandings, making them more mysterious and scary  

"Even when they retreated to their final castles and made valiant last stands, a siege of pure numbers finally ended their race. Enough worthless ants biting at a lion constantly for long enough can eventually kill it."

Somehow while making a pouty face, the Goddess was emitting a murderous aura that sent shivers down my spine. She really seemed to like the vampires. 

Whatever. Being OP for half the time wasn't too bad of a trade. Just lay low in the day and kick ass at night. 

"Can you tell me anything about where I will appear in the world or where to go once there?"

"Certainly," Order said. "You will arrive at one of the last vampiric castles. There is this world's largest dungeon not far away, along with a much smaller one that would be good for training that is on the castle grounds.

"The world only has one landmass and is much smaller than your previous world. This is made up for by the land that appears within the warped space of the multiple dungeons on the continent.

"The population is also near an all-time low, due to the continuous wars. While the humans outnumber the others by a great deal, they still are tiny in number compared to your Earth. This world is more akin to a petri dish for us.

"The dwarves live to the north and have their major cities inside of mountains. Elves built their single city in the dense southern forests. Humans live in the plains in the east as well as the central hillside. The vampiric lands once included some of the central hillside all the way to the west of the continent. They were a mixture of mountains, hills, and forests, but all this is considered the 'monster lands' now."

Not the worst starting zone then. Especially if there isn't anyone else around and I can raise my level in peace. Then he keeps talking.

"The vampiric lands are also where the highest concentration of monsters come from. Including where the territories of the strongest monsters reside."

I take it back. Ignoring me, he continues.

"Because of the high concentration of monsters, it is also where the majority of human bandits and outlaws go in order to avoid capture. Once the vampires were extinct, the land was left vacant as no other race had the desire needed to hold it for long from the monsters. 

"A settlement may be fine with only small monsters around, however, if a territory changes, one group of strong monsters could wipe it away. The few bandits that have survived there for a decent amount of time do so by moving regularly."

Now this doesn't even sound reasonable.

"Don't worry! Once you get strong enough, nobody will stand a chance!" At least Chaos seems confident.

It's the whole getting to that point that is the issue ... You know what? Fuck it. I already died once. And it was by slowly and painfully wasting away. If I die again, at least it won't be from poisoning myself with chemicals. 

"Whatever. Let's move on. What about magic? You said I would be good at it, but I've never used it. Can I get an intro?"

"Easy! Just go 'Fwoom!' and 'Swoosh!' and then 'Boom!' and there you go!" Complete with exaggerated arm movements, absolutely none of that made a lick of sense.

"Um, Order, could I get a bit more than that?"

He sighs in resignation. I guess even handsome bastards can have it rough. "Certainly. Inside of the races and monsters of this world, resides 'mana' that is channeled through the bloodstream. It is a semi-physical substance and is restored when used by the 'core' which resides near the heart.

"The larger the concentration of mana in the blood, the higher your 'MP' will be. The denser your core, the higher your 'MP Regeneration' is.

"Magic is performed by first creating a concrete image of what effect you want. This is classified as [INT] or 'Intelligence' within the [system]. 

"By using your mind, mana is then concentrated on the focal point of either a hand, finger, or other external foci. Then releasing it enacts the effect. This will appear as [WIS] or 'wisdom.'

"Having higher [INT] allows you to create effects faster, while higher [WIS] allow effects to become more efficient and waste less mana.

"Should the effect you want not be within your current capabilities, then there will be no effect. By concentrating more or less mana on the focal point will allow you to alter the effects of the magic. You will be better than others at magic, but by no means should you solely rely on it. Anything large scale or affecting areas will only come once you are much stronger."

That sounds reasonable enough. 

"Are there different types of magic? Like fire, ice, etcetera?"

"Me, me, me!" Chaos raises her hand and bounces like a school kid answering a pop quiz. "The magic types are fire, water, earth, air, light, dark, space-time, and arcane! Everyone is born with certain talents in each. Most have only one or two decent talents while the others are only able to do minor things like spark a fire or slowly fill a cup with water.

"For someone to be thought of as a 'mage' they need to at least have a high talent in one of the types. Someone with more than a couple talents is rare though, and people with high talent in space-time or arcane are even more rare!"

"Most sound self explanatory. Having said that, what's 'arcane?'"

Keeping his calm and cool teaching voice, the God explains further. Although I'm envious of his looks, at least he is good at explaining things thoroughly. 

"Arcane magic is the ability to use mana from your core in it's unaltered form. The core of a being will change the type of mana that is produced depending on what is wanting to be cast. 

"When an effect that has no defined 'type' is being used, then it falls under 'arcane.' An example would be imagining yourself clean of all filth and focusing your mana on your entire body. Because 'cleaning' has no definite 'type,' it uses pure arcane magic. 

"Types can also be combined, such as fire and water. Imagining hot or boiling water will use both fire and water mana. It can be accomplished by someone with talent in both types."

That's a nice catch-all to have in place. 

"Are there any further questions you have before being sent to your new world?" Order asks.

"I guess I can't really say no to this, can I?"

"You certainly can, although you will then just be reincarnated normally with a blank soul to a random womb in the world."

Damn. "So that's a no. As crappy as my death was, keeping memories and knowing what's up is certainly a perk. Any tips on what I should do first?"

"Easy peasy! Go to the castle and the Tutorial Dungeon behind it! Don't try to take on the church or do anything crazy before clearing it." She's still smiling, albeit that last part was much more an order than a suggestion.

"Then I guess last would be if you know what types or how high my magic talents will be?"

"Yup! All of them!"

This damn goddess. "...What?"

"All of them! You have the highest talents in each type! That's part of why we chose you to help us. Do you know how hard it is to find a soul like yours? It took us centuries to get you and snag your soul before some other gods got you!"

"So I was picked based on what I could potentially do with magic? And what about light magic? Isn't that one of my main weaknesses?"

"Yes, you have the ability to use light magic, it just severely damages you," Order said. "All talents in magic were one of our criteria. You also adequately met the others we had wanted."

"... And those were?"

Raising his hand he begins counting on his fingers. "You are passably intelligent, have adequate logical thinking, and show some ability to handle yourself physically while in a fight. You are not overly cruel, howbeit will not hesitate to fight back or to kill when appropriate. You will not seek to rule the world or destroy it. Finally, you are jaded and cynical enough to hopefully survive to achieve our goal. Those are some of the reasons why we chose you."

Why do I feel more like I was insulted instead of complimented?

Chaos laughed watching my reaction. "It will be great watching you! Please do your best and have some fun with it!"

White light slowly started to emanate from my body.

Order supermodel waves while Chaos waves exaggeratedly. 

"With this, we will now say our goodbyes. Best of luck and thank you for your assistance."

"So long, and thanks for all the fish!"

As my vision went white, I felt my entire body twist and stretch momentarily before then feeling cold ground on my back. I took a deep breath and just laid there for a second to gather my thoughts.

(What the hell did I just get myself into. Dying alone in a hospital is one thing, but this entire situation is just crazy. Guess it was real though.)

Sitting up, I started to take stock of myself and my location. However, the first thing I saw were boobs. On me. My boobs. 

"YOU FUCKING GODS!"