Zach peered into the coffee mug that was resting in front of him. All that was left were the grains on the bottom, the worst part of coffee. He drank it all in one go gagging on the bitter taste of the grains. It was always repetitive for Zach these days: wake up, get ready, eat, go to work, pay bills, sleep, and repeat.
He was poor, his mother raised him alone while he never knew his father. She passed away when he was only 7, after which he went to live with his grandmother but her time was also limited and she passed soon after. Living how he did it was hard for him to get any sort of steady job for a good living.
Zach sighed, it was getting dark out and the coffee shop would close any moment. He gathered his laptop, left the appropriate tip on the table, and walked out of the shop and into the rainy night. It was getting foggy and hard to see so Zach decided to sprint back to his apartment but his laptop slipped from his unsecured bag and onto the pavement. Suddenly a bright light shone from his left, he twisted his head to see what it was but before he could even see it, everything went pitch black.
He could no longer feel his hands or feet, he was incredibly disoriented. It felt like he was floating, he had never floated before but he couldn't feel the ground. He felt like a mist wandering in the wind with no purpose, but where was he? How did he get here?
After he opened his eyes again he saw a strange see-through panel in front of him with words written across the screen.
[Zach ---
Level: (0/10)
Titles: None
Race: Human
Condition: Fine, Confused
Class: None
Subclasses: None
Skills: None
Magic: None
Abilities: **********
Strength: 10
Intelligence: 7
Agility: 5
Magic: 1 (0/10)
Stamina 6 (60/60)]
Zach couldn't believe what he was seeing. 'Is this a game?' he thought to himself. He pinched his arm and felt real pain, this certainly was not a game. He took in his surroundings, he was in a forest next to a large lake he could hardly see the sun through the leaves but could tell it was somewhere around noon.
He stood up from where he was lying on the ground and noticed he already had a shirt and pants on and was in the body of a pretty buff teenager. This was so strange, he was already well into his thirties and didn't have any muscle. He stretched his body, he felt incredibly sore.
He also noticed there was a rip in his shirt with a scar underneath, it was likely that this body was dead before he got into it. He grabbed the bloodied sword next to him and sheathed it in the scabbard around his waist. He finally started walking to find someone or someplace where he could get some information.
After walking for a minute or two he heard a low growl from his left, he slowly unsheathed his sword and turned to see where the sound came from. In front of him was a grey wolf.
[Wolf (15/15)]
The wolf quickly lept at him as soon as he spotted it, he swung his sword as hard as he could at the wolf coming at him.
[Wolf (10/15)]
He managed to land a hit and quickly backed away to swing his sword again, the wolf ran at him and he stabbed it as fast as he could before it could reach him.
[You killed a wolf, you gained 1 XP]
He was slightly out of breath but was glad to see a notification because he knew that whenever you leveled up in games you always would get stronger. He kept exploring the forest looking for someplace to rest for the night at least. However, he ran into two more wolves which he took down ever quicker than the last gaining him 3 total XP.
[You killed a wolf, you gained 1 XP]
[You killed a wolf, you gained 1 XP]
He finally reached some sort of clearing in the forest with lush grass, sitting down and resting for a moment. He decided that he would need to build a campfire as he could not find any other food. He sighed as he realized he would also need to get the meat from the wolves he fought before. For now, he decided to take a moment and just sit there.
Suddenly, he heard squishing sounds all around him, many different colored slimes emerged from all sides and surrounded him.
[Poison slime(5/5)]
[Forest slime(5/5)]
[Flame slime(5/5)]
[Ice slime(5/5)]
[...]
But the most noise was coming from the front where there was a larger slime, the same height as him.
[Multicolored Slime Mother(100/100)]
He quickly got up and grabbed his sword getting ready to fight for his life. The first to attack were the smaller slimes that had cores inside them. Zach knew from the games he played that he had to attack the cores or else they would regenerate. He started stabbing the ones that were closer to him quickly getting notifications.
[You have killed a Poisonous Slime, you gained 1 XP]
[You have killed a Green Slime, you gained 1 XP]
[You have killed an Ice Slime, you gained 1 XP]
[...]
After fighting the smaller slimes he felt extremely tired and was almost ready to pass out.
[Zach(10/60)]
He breathed heavily and leaned on his sword to catch his breath but before he had a chance, the slime mother moved to attack him. He tried to dodge but failed due to the slimes’ speed and his exhaustion.
[You lost 5 HP]
He could hardly move now, as the slime attacked again. He rolled on the ground and the slime tendril hit him on the back.
[You lost 4 HP]
The slime came closer to Zach and rolled over him covering his body he could feel it invade his body through his nose, mouth, ears, and every other orifice.
[The slime mother is eating you, ability ********** has been activated]
[You are recovering HP]
Suddenly his body felt hot he moaned into the slime in his mouth he felt the heat rise with every second spreading everywhere on his body. His muscles became more compact and his arms shrank, his hair became longer, his legs lost muscle and his ass grew slightly. His chest began to feel numb and he became more sensitive, there was no longer any slime covering his mouth and a female voice came out.
"Ahn~ Ahhh~"
His chest grew and he felt himself change inside, he was cumming constantly as less and less slime was around his body. Suddenly he felt the heat find his dick.
"No, please not there. Stop! Ahhhh~ Stop!" said a very feminine voice.
His dick slowly became smaller and turned into a vagina, he felt his insides hollow out and a wave of pleasure washed over him.
"I'm cumming!" she screamed before passing out.
Okay here goes since juding by the poll you are open to feedback i'll offer my opinion on this first chapter, you have a good concept and fairly good execution, the premise is a fresh spin and as a lover of slime girls, girls love, gender bender, and smut I'm definitely going to read this.
The main problem is the first chapter feels very rushed. I'm not gunna say redo it since that would be unreasonable and confuse people however I will state how i think the chapter could be handled better for future reference. This chapter was a decent length I'll give you that the problem is it felt like you were just listing off events. Try going into a bit more details about how the protagonist is reacting to the situation they're in, add details about their location what does it look like. Also give a bit more background into the MC.
Also try to fix up your status windows a bit use Sinner's Chance or A Reincarnated Demon’s Life of Wonder as reference. When it comes to litrpgs or just anything with a system making system messages nice to look at goes a long way to getting people to pay attention to them.
Now for what you did well. You have a good understanding of slime physiology, i especially liked the part about it entering him very well done an erotic most people don't even consider that when writing erotic novels about slimes. In general it was very hot so I'd say you did a pretty good job. Try putting that level of thought and detail into other stuff. English was solid no notable errors and it reads smoothly.
Finally a general tip, this is smut not po*n try not to hyperfocus on sexual content while that can be good those types of novels tend to do very poorly on this platform. Rather than focus on to many things pick one or two elements from the following and try to focus on those as well as the sexual content but don't be too neglectful of others. Plot, Characters, Setting. Those are all very key aspects of any story you can typically get away with neglecting one of those though sometimes two.
Sorry for my rambling and keep in mind I'm a reader not a writer but I do observe how people react in general to different stuff.
Most importantly have fun. I do want you to succeed which is why I typed all of this but it's entirely up to you how you write your own story. Good luck!
Thank you so much for the advice. I am a long-time writer and have written many many stories but never written smut or used a System theme before. I would very much appreciate the advice, feel free to DM me about anything you want. Strangely enough imagery is usually my strong point, after chapter 2 I will focus more on adding the other two elements to a greater extent. I must also add that System messages are a bit*h.
Wait how do you even do that system thing that A Sinner's Chance did? I must experiment!
@Teneberis I’m honestly not sure how they did that table you’d best ask the author themselves.
With All it's Killed That Truck Must of Leveled by NOW!
Isn't Truck Kun already the god of reincarnation?
@Teneberis True TRUE!
Isn't Zach a little too reckless to face a large group of monsters alone without even thinking about running away?
Was his mind unstable due to transmigration or was he just too drunk grinding his isekai adventure?
Thanks for the chaper
Oops, hehe, logic
Look who I found
. Yaloooo..
Oh! And this novel is good I love anything related to monster girls that involves gender bender, so yeaaaaaaaa
@Queen Oh my god, I love you series! I totally didn't expect you to read this. You are totally my senpai. Thank you for reading it!
@Queen Sorry for the bad grammar, im overly excited.
@Teneberis
... Thank you for reading my novels, it means a lot. And I know your novel is gonna be so much better
Here
, have a cookie 🍪.
@Queen Can I make a request for you to continue "Caring Mother" why the drop off
.
Also thank you so much I'm so honored
@Queen Also I love you
@Teneberis awwwwwweeeee... That's so sweet
