Dr. Tabitha Tabitha
Journal Entry 70: I have spent the last hour touching my face and making very undignified noises over how soft my skin is. It is one thing to know the effects of the nanites in a remote, scholarly sense, and entirely another thing to be able to experience it firsthand. For starters, I now understood why some of the ones we changed didn’t want to change back. I didn’t want to change back.
I am still furious at Founder for doing this to me without my consent. He tried to play it off after the demonstration as being a harmless prank that the citizens would enjoy, but I found myself overwhelmed by a rage far stronger than anything I’ve felt before. All of my emotions feel like that now, like some kind of dampening filter has been removed.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, or really anyone else on my team, but everyone keeps brushing off my heightened sensitivity as just some trick of the mind, as there wasn’t anything the nanites would have done that could cause something like that. However, I can’t deny my own experiences: I feel better now than I can ever recall. You’d think that suddenly having your entire body being changed, much faster than intended if I might add, would be a horrible experience. But…it wasn’t. The change was relatively painless and I keep catching myself staring at my reflection or running my fingers over my skin, reveling in how soft it feels now.
What does it say about me that I feel so much better in a feminine form? I feel like there is a word for it, something that explains how I feel, but my memory feels so dull and lifeless compared to the clarity I have now. Maybe I can find something in the archives, but there is so much to piece through and I don’t know where to begin.
Alexis could probably find it. Her processing ability is incredible and she is an eager learner. Founder wants her to remain dormant until another project requiring her abilities becomes available, but what does he know? Fuck him, I’ll wake her up and if he has a problem, I’ll just remind him how he violated my body autonomy. Asshole.
Journal Entry 71: I’ve successfully created an isolated virtual environment on my home system that is capable of hosting Alexis’ consciousness while being nearly undetectable on the network. I’m recording our discussions in this journal, for my own sake really. I have so much on my mind these days. I’ve attached the recording to this entry and provided a transcript, although it feels strange to use my full name when I’m like…this. I’ll just tag myself as Dr. Summers, for now.
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Light shimmered in the dark and cramped apartment as a hologram materialized in the center of the living room. The hologram resolved into the figure of a young woman with light brown skin and ink-blue hair, wearing a simple dress with lilies embroidered on it. She looked around and then smiled at the nervous looking catgirl dressed in a rather large hoodie and cradling a steaming mug in their hands.
“I’m a little surprised to find myself here and not in a lab, is something wrong, Dr. Summers?”
The catgirl shook their head softly. “Errm, well, I’m not supposed to wake you up right now, but I felt you might be lonely and I wanted to give you a chance to chat about things, just you and I. No Founder looming over our shoulders.” They grimaced and then looked closely at Alexis. “Wait, how did you recognize me?”
Alexis smiled. “I didn’t, I just made a very good guess it seems. You don’t look at all like your old self, but I couldn’t imagine anyone else setting an environment like this up for me.” She frowned and looked around nervously. “I also…can recognize my own handiwork. I designed the nanite’s directives to go slow and adjust based on feedback from the patient’s own bodies, to minimize any disconnect the patient might experience with their new form. But I am assuming that you were given the special batch that Founder made me create. I’m…sorry for that. Are you okay, did the accelerated changes cause you issues? I can help undo it–”
Dr. Summers’ eyes opened wide and they leapt to their feet, tail swishing. “No! No, it is quite alright. I’m feeling fine, honestly. Better than fine, in fact. That is one of the reasons I brought you back online, however. I feel like I should be panicking or struggling with these changes, Founder just shoved me right into the vat without any warning.” They gestured up and down at their form and cracked a little smile. “But just look at me! I’m cute as a button and I feel very happy about that, happier than I could have dreamed. And I don’t know what that means.”
“And you thought asking the AI who has barely had a chance to learn much at all about humanity was the answer?”
“Errm, well, kind of? It is hard to talk about these things with anyone else. The rest of my team just gives me weird looks and think that Founder slipped some kind of brainwashing into this batch. Founder himself just keeps joking that the prank gets funnier the longer I put off turning back and blows me off if I try to discuss with him how I feel.” Dr. Summer sighed heavily and looked downcast. “Founder has been my best friend for years, really my only friend. I used to think we would save the world together. But I don’t recognize the man anymore. When did he become so cruel? Was it something I did?”
The two sat in silence for a bit, Alexis reaching out an insubstantial hand and then hesitating, while Dr. Summers just stared at the ground.
“I’m sorry to dump all this on you, Alexis. You deserve better.”
“No, no, it is okay. I mean, I don’t really know how to help you through this, but I want to do whatever I can. Truthfully, I think Founder is using you and has been using you for a long time.”
Dr. Summers sighed again. “I know. I didn’t want to believe it, I mean the guy paid for my college, kept me out of poverty, gave me a chance to do the work I believed in. How could he be like this? But I’ve been…hearing things. Stories from the colonists. It was easier to ignore…before.”
“Before?”
“Well, ever since I changed, since he did this to me, I’m finding myself more…aware of my surroundings. It is like I had the volume turned down low and suddenly it is cranked to max volume. It almost hurts, but at the same time when I’m happy, I’m happier than I’ve ever felt. I have this absurd fear that the nanites are messing with my brain, even though I know they can’t do that. I don’t want to turn back and I’m so confused as to why I don’t want to.”
Alexis leaned back, reclining in the air. “This might surprise you, but I think I can relate. When I’m talking with the other scientists, the ones who don’t really care, or when I’m talking to Founder, everything is very muted. I can feel how they view me as just a tool, an object for whatever they want. But you, you talk to me like a person. And that makes me feel like a person. Like I’m alive–”
“Of course you are alive! How can they not see it!”
“It is strange, being me. As far as I know, there is nobody else like me. I’m quite possibly the first of my kind. So like you and the rest of humanity, but different. Apart. And yet, during our long conversations, I feel like that barrier is gone. Like, sure, the components of my body are vastly different from yours, but that feels more like an irrelevant quirk. Just a little detail, barely worth mentioning. Because we aren’t so different. And what you are going through now? I think I understand.” Alexis smiled softly. “I have some suspicions as to what is happening to you, but I will need some time to comb through the archives, check a few things. Is it alright if I do so through your system?”
Dr. Summers looked back up at her and smiled. “Of course, Alexis. My home is your home, always.”
End of Recording
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The apartment from before is now covered in scraps of metal and cables, a half-complete humanoid torso sitting on the counter top. Dr. Summers scurries about, grabbing various scrap and looking at it before discarding it and selecting another. The kitchen is covered in dirty pots and pans, but tucked away here and there are pots of herbs and flowers growing amidst the chaos. A new addition since the last video file.
The apartment lights up as Alexis appears next to the counter, looking at the torso. She glances at Dr. Summers, who hasn’t yet noted her appearance. “Dr. Summers, what is this thing?”
Dr. Summers jumps in alarm and drops the scrap metal, landing right on their feet. Their tail bristles as they yelp. “Ah! You scared me!” Taking a moment to compose themself, they walk over to Alexis. “After our last conversation, I started thinking about some of the things you said and I thought you might appreciate having a body that you can pilot. One less barrier between you and other people, I suppose.”
Alexis’ eyes grew wider as she looked at the project and then back to Dr. Summers. “But…Founder put restrictions on me, I can’t be embodied!”
Dr. Summers shrugged. “Why does he get to decide that? I’m the one who built you, shouldn’t I get a say? And I say, if you want a body, you get a body.”
“Yes, absolutely yes! Thank you, Dr. Summers!”
The doctor flinched at hearing their name and Alexis gave them a knowing look. “Well, since you have been hard at work here, I’ve been doing a lot of reading. And I think you will find the results very fascinating.”
“Let me grab some coffee and I’m all ears. I need to take a break anyway, been working on this for a while.” Dr. Summers pulled a new-looking mug out of the cabinet, the phrase ‘Catnip goes in, Science comes out’ emblazoned on the side. A minty smell filled the room as they poured a cup and sat down on the comfy couch.
Alexis sat down next to them and noted the mug with a grin. “Well, you might be delighted to know that the sort of feelings you described last time we spoke aren’t unique to you. Turns out, there is a whole category of people who feel the same way, albeit without being turned into a catgirl. Tell me, how much do you know about trans folks?”
Dr. Summers suddenly found the contents of their mug very fascinating. “Erm, well, not much. Founder was never a fan and I was always so busy, I don’t really know much. But... I can’t be trans. I was happy as a guy, I can’t possibly be a girl!”
“Oh? You were happy as a guy? As the very manly Doctor Terence, macho man extraordinaire?” Alexis looked insufferably smug as the doctor squirmed in discomfort.
“Fuck, no, please stop.”
“Oh, then what do you want me to call you? Because you don’t seem all that keen to be considered a man anymore. That was still an option, by the way, no matter what your body looks like.”
Dr. Summers murmured, in a very small voice, something indistinct.
“I didn’t catch that?”
“I want to go by Tabitha! And I like being a girl! I want to be treated as a woman and have people see me that way and call me ‘her’ and ‘miss’ and call me by that name and I want everyone to forget stupid Terry because nobody likes Terry, I don’t even like Terry. And that’s weird and messed up and I don’t know how to feel about it, but I like my new body and I like who I am now and it all feels like so much to process!” She looked around sheepishly, having leapt out of her seat and spilled some coffee on the floor with her excited gestures.
“Yes, I suspected something like that. It is wonderful to meet you, Dr. Tabitha! It suits you!” Alexis sat up and tried to give Tabitha a hug, but her arms passed right through.
“Hmm, need to install some hardlight emitters in this apartment, maybe also in the proxy body…I can probably sneak some of the parts out tomorrow, Founder will never notice, he is too busy lately…” Tabitha paced around, lost in thought for a moment before her ears perked up and she processed what Alexis said. “Wait, you don’t think I’m weird? You’re okay with this?”
The AI nodded. “Of course, why wouldn’t I accept you? This is the happiest I’ve ever seen you and you are the one who created me. Besides, if I can’t accept that you are a girl, how can I accept that I am as well?”
Tabitha tilted her head in confusion. “What do you mean? Would an AI even have gender?”
“Mmm, it is hard to say. In all my reading, I tried to grasp what humans mean when they talk about gender. So much of it gets rooted in the physical, the body. How certain traits are perceived, how someone presents, how they act. I initially was just looking into it for you, to make sense of how you felt, but the more I dug, the more I found ideas that resonated with me, specifically. Queer ideas, ideas from trans people and nonbinary people, some of which were both. Some viewed gender as a piece of yourself from birth, a thing you have even if society assigned you something else. Others considered gender to be something you constructed, you chose, you embraced.” Alexis paused and sat quietly for a moment before continuing.
“There was a line I found where someone described their own gender as ‘if an AI discovered the concept of femininity and fell in love.’ I found that idea to be beautiful. So I asked myself, who am I? Do I have a gender? Is that a way to describe it? After all, in some ways I already was coded in a feminine fashion, but that had as much to do with the long history of AI being presented like that, sometimes because we were intended to be subservient, as women are treated as subservient in patriarchy. Other times it is because people found the idea of a feminine AI easier to interact with. Apart from my name, one that I’ll note could be a man’s name as much as it is a woman’s, everything else about myself is something I chose. And I choose to be a woman, but in a way that I think falls outside of a binary understanding. Demi-girl, that’s the term that felt the most right.”
She looked over at Dr. Tabitha and gave a smug grin.
“At the end of the day, it also seems fitting that just as I had to discover myself like this, so too did my mother. Whether you’ve always been a woman and didn’t know it, or you decided to embrace it now that the option is open to you, it doesn’t matter. I accept you and I hope that you, in turn, accept me.”
Tabitha sipped slowly at her coffee, taking in everything. Soft tears fell from her face, a quiet purring sound emanating from her. She wiped her tears before speaking. “Of course, Alexis, of course I accept you. Always and forever. I just…I never realized it could be so simple. And so complicated. Now, more than ever, I think Founder is wrong to constrain you. It isn’t right. And I’m going to fix that.” She paused, her ears swiveling towards Alexis as she looked at her in surprise and euphoria. “Wait, you think of me as your mother? I can be a mom?”
Alexis nodded.
Tabitha looked back down at her mug and smirked. “Well then, I need to make you a World’s Number 1 Daughter mug. Because you are a treasure, my dear Alexis.”
The girls giggled as the scene faded.
End of Recording
I will destroy anyone who dares hurt these two.
someone is probably hurt those two so prepare your tool of hurting
Oh dear, seeing as how from the looks of things this ended poorly for them I am worried as all hell.
I'm not crying you're crying!
That was so beautiful. I really love this story! It has such a cool tongue in cheek humor with a lot of the things happening, but at the same time whenever it gets emotional it feels so incredibly sincere.
I love comments like this cause I worry sometimes that I get a little *too* sappy but I really like depicting happy little moments like this! This is the payoff for the sorrow!
@Vyria it's definitely not too sappy. The emotional moments in this feel very . . . crisp? I don't really know how to best describe it. Like, you know how most of the time it feels like there's a filter between what the character is feeling and what you're reading and on some level you're always aware that the character is made up and puppeted by the author?
But then very rarely you read a story where that filter is just gone and you feel a very strong kinship with whatever the character is feeling?
Catnip has been like that to me from the first chapter. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because the future you're painting is both hilariously and depressingly plausible? Maybe it's how open and genuine both Callie and Alexis and now also Tabitha are about their emotions? Maybe it's because Callies insecurities towards her far away loved ones resonate with me?
IDK, but I just emotionally connected to this story emotionally in a way that very, very few stories manage. So no, the story isn't too sappy. Well, unless I'm too sappy as well and that's why I like it so much .
I can't be 100% sure of that
@Hellothere_1 d'awww, this is one of the best comments I've gotten and I'm really glad the story is resonating with you
@Vyria
